SEE DANGER, SEE LOVE! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

GERIRYA MY LOST GARDEN OF EDEN!

MY LOVELY FRIENDS. IT IS ME, YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

Long ago, l fell in love with a beautiful looking light in complexion and busty northern Nigeria girl, named Gerirya!

Come and see love in Tokyo. It is either Gerirya or no one else! After about two months, she told me that her parents have approved of our marriage eventhough they haven't seen me. It was like Adam was pardoned to return to the Garden of Eden! My joy knew no bound!

Yes, at last this girl will be my wife. Had it been that l have wings, l could have flew to thank God. Then, one Saturday, her parents sent her to fetch me to their house for them to know me and also to arrange for the marriage ceremony.

Immediately, they saw me, they approved the marriage!

They told me that since they have approved it, the rest is for my wife to be to brief me how it will be done. She took me outside and told me that their tradition doesn't demand me to pay money on her as bride price. She told me that she has another suitor, a young man like myself.  

The tradition stipulates that the man and l are going to compete who will really win her love by flogging each other! When l heard these words, l became more happier because when it comes to flogging, l have no rival! When l was a monitor, every pupil fears me. I believed that l will teach this guy an unforgettable lesson of his miserable life, that is if he has any because, how dared him to compete my lovely Gerirya with me!

Then came the day of the competition! It was held in an open field with hundreds of spectators watching us. For me, it was a moment of truth and no two ways about it.

This guy was tall and slim. He held a long cane which l later knew to be KPACHA!  Which means, "It is only a foolish man that challeges the gorilla to a wrestling competition because the gorilla is always born a wrestler!" They asked me to start. I began to trash him like no man's business! He just stood there looking at me like a fool! I believed he would soon cry and beg me to have pity on him. That means, l will rather flog him to death than to have mercy on him.

Suddenly, the game changed! He told me that l was just a small rat. That l should have known that the rat that goes to watch the wrestling contest of the cats will never gets home to tell the others what he saw. 

I never knew that this guy was a herder! A cattle rearer! Nomadic herdsman! A man that flogs cows till they cry for help!

He then said in their style of English language: kai ! Kai ! Walahi Talahi, today, me l don  die pata-pata. I go punishment you. Walahi Talahi! I no get am for sense? You I dey come hear to take am for my WAF, amariya ko? Shege! Danbanza kowe! Dan-iska!  I go flog am for you like l dey flog am for lama-lama, cow!

His first flogging was on my right ear! It cuts it into two! My eyes rotate round in their sockets 360 degrees Celsius!  I saw stars with different colours! I was forced to shout: My father! My father! Why have thou forsaken me?

It was then it dawn on me that Nazi is far from Nazareth!

I wonder why on earth would my in-law to be subject me into a flogging competition with a man who follows cows in the sahara deserts. A man who cows fear! And Gerirya who was standing close by, beckoned on me to try harder and win her love! 

And l said to her, "My love! My love! I have flogged pupils in my school days and won, but l am now  facing a cow flogger!  An expert in the whipping of cows to cry! This battle is beyond me, my love!" 

They brought water and poured on my body! They gave me cow milk called "FURA-DE-NONO" to drink! I soon regained consciousness and we started the final flogging. At the end, l was carried from the north to the south on a stretcher half dead! All my skin was off my body!  

My eyes were swollen like water pot!

My head has several swollens like that of a cow's horns!

My parents were surprised to see me. They took me to the hospital but the doctor rejected me, instead referred me to be flown to India for a plastic surgery. 

Na there l shout say, "I GO DIE OOOO!

WHAT IS GOOD FOR THE GEESE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER!

IT IS YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE! 

There was this pastor who was posted to a newly established branch of a certain church. He was a young man and also a bachelor. On arrival at his new church, a cook was employed for him. That evening, the cook came to him and the following took place between them:

COOK: Good evening sir, man of God. You are welcome. What do you want to eat so that l will go to the market to buy the ingredients and prepare it for you. I am your cook.

PASTOR: May the Lord bless you, brethren. It's my pleasure having you as my cook. I am pastor Isaiah. What do l call you?

COOK: I am Panhood by name sir.

PASTOR: That name doesn't sound English! It is a local name. I will like to change it to reflect the English language for an easy pronunciation. Henceforth, in the name of the holy spirit, l hereby change this Panhood to Manhood for an easy pronunciation. The diffidence is just the letter P & the letter M, that's all!

Now, listen to me. I don't eat meat or fish. Only what l eat is chickens' Gizzards! So whenever you go to the market, always buy Gizzards to prepare my meal.

COOK: Thank you Sir, man of God.

One day, the cook went to the market and he couldn't find Gizzards to buy. He then reason that since he didn't see Gizzards, what else can be similar to Gizzards. And so he asked a certain trader who was an illiterate. Now, she thought that he asked her about Lizards. And she went and brought fifteen male Lizards, known as agama lizards and she butchered them and packaged them for the cook and he paid her and then went home.

When he got home the pastor went out.He hurriedly prepared the meal. The pastor soon returned and he said, "Brethren, Manhood, please bring my food. I am very hungry. In a jiffy Manhood served the pastor the food.  The pastor ate the food hungrily. But as he was about to put one of the the Gizzards into his month, he observed that the thing he was holding has legs and hands with red head with combs!

"Holy ghost fire, what is this, what is this brethren Manhood?" He asked in an astonishment.

And Manhood ran down. Seeing the pastor holding the giant red neck agama lizard in his hand, he smiles and said, "Oh, man of God! I couldn't find that your favourite Gizzards in the market today and it was only this kind that l could find. l was told that this kind is bigger and even more delicious than that former ones".

PASTOR: Holy Heaven! Lizards? I am finished!  Do you expect me to eat this lizard in place of my normal Gizzards, brethren Manhood?

COOK: Man of God. You are not eating Lizards but Gizzards. Because after buying them, l then changed them from Lizards to Gizzards in the name of the holy spirit just as you did to my name. Just assume that you are eating Gizzards and not lizards. After all, the difference is just the letter L & the lettter G. Just as you changed my name from Panhood to manhood and l didn't complain, l expect that you should not also complain because what is good for the goose is good for the gander!"

N:B. WE SEE OTHER PEOPLES' CHALLENGES AS A MERE CHILD'S PLACE AS FAR IT DOESN'T AFFECT US!

BEST MONITORING SPIRIT!

      JUNIOR AND HIS WOMANIZING FATHER AT IT AGAIN!

This is your guy, Jack of all trades; master of none!

JUNIOR: Dad, you pray daily that God should kill the monitoring spirit which troubles and monitors your life. Who is actually this monitoring spirit?

DAD: Your mother! She is the one following me all about and monitoring my activities daily.

JUNIOR: But dad, l think she is doing a great job for you. She says that she is just trying to protect you from untimely death because you run after people's wives. For example, look at your lips. The upper lip is fatter than the lower lip, courtesy a deadly blow you received from a man who caught you talking with his wife. Look at your eyes. The left eyeball is bigger than the right eyeball, courtesy a heavy punch you received from a man who saw you giving his wife money.

Don't you think mummy is rather a guardian Angel to you rather than being a monitoring spirit?

DAD: Then she has to give me at least a year to repent and stop all the rubbish. Not just at once.

JUNIOR:  But Dad, delay is dangerous! Those who wait for the twelfth hour to repent may die at the eleventh hour!

She can't afford to see her husband with one eye deformed, one lip deformed, one ear deformed, one leg deformed, one hand deformed etc. The additional one year may produce the additional deformities! Do you want to become like the Fairy, the forests god who has half body?

REMEMBER: Wisdom is a gift of nature but it is given to only those who will use it for the benefit of mankind!

IT IS ALWAYS DIFFICULT TO ROLL A CANOE AGAINST THE TIDE!

My people, it is me, your indefatigable Jack of all trades; master of none!

After l had done with my secondary school education, l started to work as a sales boy in a supermarket. Monthly, my father takes my salary from me and that of my brothers and sisters and he built a very high tower made up of bamboos. It was about three storey high. He has a long ladder which he uses to climb the tower. He keeps all our salaries there. He said when l have gotten a substantial amount, l will then stop the job and he will use the money to finance my university education.

He knew that l love women just as a bee loves palm wine! With that money there, no way for me to get anywhere closer to it let alone to take from it. One day l fell in love with a certain lady and she told me that l must buy a wristwatch for her first before she will agree to be my girlfriend. The third day which was Saturday, she came to me.  

I then took her to a nearby restaurant and l ordered food and soft drink for her. I then left to look for money to give to her for the wristwatch and pay for the food. I found where my father kept the ladder and l carried it and l used it to climb the tower. I made it successfully and l entered into the save room where my father usually keeps the money. I never knew that my father was watching me all the while. He came and carried the ladder away. When l have taken the amount l needed and l was about to climb down, alas! No ladder!

I began to call for help. And my father came and he said to me, "I just want to leave you up there waiting for when you will fall to the ground so that l will use the money in your hand to treat you". As if that was not enough, the lady who owned the restaurant held the girl down to me demanding for her money. They were surprised to see me up dangling helplessly like a thief. And she shouted to me saying, " Bros, if you fail to pay me my money now, l am taking this girl away and l will put her in a room and l will call men to be sleeping with her till l get my money".

And my father said to the woman, "Madam, go and use the lady for prostitution and when she had worked your money complete, then l will make sure that this my stupid son marries her! This idiot must marry the food that everyone ate remained!"

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOOOO!

WHEN MY BEST CHOICE OF WIFE BECOMES A TABOO!

MY PEOPLE, IT IS ME YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES;  MASTER OF NONE!

As a young man, my mother told me to get married in time so that she will carry her grandchildren when she was still alive. But my choice of wife was a female footballer! And not too long, l got a female footballer. I immediately took her to see my parents. As we sat down, my father said to her, "young man, drinks, kola nuts and money are on the table for your entertainment". I quickly correct my father saying, " Dad, she is a female not a male". 

Ten minutes later, my parents excused me into the room and said, "Don't you have any sense? What is this thing that you brought to us? No breasts, no buttocks. How are you sure if there is a hole between her thighs? Common take this thing away".

I then brought a police lady and introduced her to my parents. They then excused me into the bedroom said to me, " Don't you have any sense? Don't you know that our business is India hemp farming? And she would in no time arrest us? Common, take her away”. 

I then brought another lady but this time, a thief. After l have introduced her to my parents, they excused me into the bedroom and they said, "Don't you have any sense? Don't you know that your mother is a money lender? She will steal all her money. Common take her away". 

I then went and brought a very fat lady because l love fat ladies. But she was too fat! She has to be assisted by some of our neighbours before she could be forced through the door into the sitting room. She was offered a chair to sit on. But immediately she sat on the chair, it breaks! She sat on another chair but the same thing happened and she finally broke all the chairs in the sitting room. My mother then told her to sit on the bed. 

The bed breaks immediately and she fell to the ground. She couldn't stand up herself. We have to call six of our neighbours to come and help us to pull her up on her feet.

My parents immediately took me into the bedroom and they gave me the sum of N3000 and they said to me, "Take this money and go to the market and tell them to sell N3000 sense for you. If they say that they don't have the sense of N3000, then come back so that we would add more money for you to buy it because you need sense badly and it is only in the market that you can get it to buy. Idiot of no size". 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOO?

THE BEAUTY OF CREATNG A MONSTER IS THAT ONE DAY IT WILL TURNS TO YOU ITS CREATOR AND DESTROYS YOU!

JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE!

Many years back l bought a beautiful female dog. I was really fond of it. Now there was this man called 'Rodji'. When he saw that l bought a female dog, he then bought a male dog. Although we lived far from each other. The male dog began to come to my compound to mate with my female dog. I didn't do anything because l know that if it eventually becomes pregnant and delivered, the puppies will be for me.

Truly, it became pregnant and delivered twelve puppies!

When they were six months old, l began to sell them, each for thirty thousand naira! One day, Mr Rodji, the owner of the male dog came to me and he demanded that since it was his male dog that mates with my dog, means that the puppies belong to both of us. He demanded that we share them equally. I told him that l can't give him any of the puppies because l didn't ask his male dog to mate with my female dog. 

He argued that my dog and his dog were husband and wife. I asked him if he paid any bride price to me for the marriage. But he said that he doesn't need to pay a bride price on an animal. I told him that since no bride price was paid means that the owner of the female is totally the owner of the puppies. That is whatever thing that comes from the female belongs to its owner. He then left.

One day, l was walking along a busy street when a lady came to me. She said that l should try my best to have a baby boy within two years. That my destiny says any baby l have from now till two years time will definitely becomes a President of my country in the nearest future. That it had been destined so. I became very excited but then l had no girlfriend. 

On my way home, my mind was full of thoughts! I believed in prophecies and so l pray that it should come to a fulfillment. The next day, l was on my way from work when a pretty looking busty lady called to me to help her to lift a basin of water on her head. The lady was down to earth. I fell in love with her immediately. I asked her if she has a phone and she said no but that she can give her friend's phone number to me so that any time that l want to speak with her, l should call the number and her friend will contact her.

That was her l began to contact her and she eventually became my girlfriend! After about a year, she became pregnant. My joy knew no bound! Yes, very soon that prophesy will come to pass! I am going to be a father of a future President. Nothing could be better than that. Because of the euphoria, l always dance all alone in my room.

Then the lady put to birth, a bouncing baby boy! Can a prophesy be more accurate than this? Definitely not! I usually contact the lady and transfer money to her. I ask her daily about the baby's welfare. I told her that l will like to see her parents but she told me that l should wait until  the baby would be a month old. I told all my friends about everything and they were all very happy.

When it was a month, l asked her if l can come. She agreed. Then one Saturday, my family members and l took drinks and we went there because the lady had given me  the address. To my utmost surprised, her father was no other person but Mr Rodji. I was downcast. It was like the ground should split apart so that l can enter into it to hide. After the usual greetings, l stood up and told him our reason of coming; that l was the one who impregnated his daughter which means the baby was mine.

When l finished speaking, he stood up and roared with laughter: Ha! Ha! Ha! Hi! Hi! Hi! Ho! Ho! Ho! And he said to me, "Young man, did you pay a bride price on her as your wife?" And l said, "No" He went on, "Well, you know that since  no bride price was paid means that the baby belongs to the owner of the female which is l, her father". 

And he reminded me my words between us during the two dogs' issue. I argued that there is different between a human being and an animal. He said emphatically, that the baby belongs to him being the owner of the female who gave birth to the baby. After much argument, we left angrily. I was boiling with anger because my dream of becoming the father of a future president was slipping out of my hand and l will never allow it.

A friend of mine contacted his lawyer for me and about two weeks later, l took six policemen and the lawyer and we went to his place. It is either he accepts my request or l will get him arrested and charge the matter to court. But on getting there, the rooms were wide opened and nobody in side. I asked some of the neighbours there and they said that they packed out about a week ago. I asked them if they have any idea of where they packed to. And they said that Mr Rodji just told them that he was tired of the country and so, he was travelling abroad and may not come to Nigeria again!

I collapsed and fainted. When l regained consciousness l looked up and down and l shouted: 

I GO DIE OOOOO!

THOSE DESTINED TO CAPTIVE, CAPTIVITY WILL THEY GO!

This is your guy, Jack of all trades, master of none!

My people, after we had completed our schooling, six of us who were good friends began to search for greener pastures. Our main goal was to travel abroad! About two years later, we all parted ways. Five years later, l saw one of my former friends living in luxury in a very comfortable and expensive mansion! I was shocked. After the normal greetings, l asked about the others. He told me that the others were in abroad doing very well also.

I asked him what actually happened and he told me that there was a certain foreign lady in her late 60s who was desperately looking for a husband. He said that the lady was ready to sponsor any guy who agreed to marry her to America. He said that she was the one who sponsored all of them abroad after they promised to marry her.To make sure that they don't disappoint her, she made them to swear to an oath.

He told me that they just swear by their life and she truly believed them. But after getting there, they got married to other pretty looking young ladies of their choices and dumped her. They used her as a ladder to climbed and later dumped her. As a young man, l knew that she can no longer give birth and l wanted to have a family with kids. Marrying that old lady will gives me money but no children. I decided to also use her to climb to my riches like my friends had done and later dump her. 

My friend then introduced me to her. After we had discussed, she told me that l will be her last bus stop!

I just looked at her and smiled inwardly. By now, she was about sixty five years of age! She told me that she was ready to make me get the best work in the U.S. with a salary of about ten million dollars weekly! But before then, we have to swear to an oath that l must marry her and will never disappoint her.

I told her that l was ready to swear to an oath not to disappoint her. She said that the six young guys that she had so far helped disappointed her despite the oath hence she decided to change the oath to reflect the African tradition because we are Africans.

My people, all of a sudden, she brought Ogun, the god of iron, sango, the god of thunder, Ayilala deity, Amadioha deity, Olokun, the goddesses of water and worse of it all,  Ogumatara the anti lying and disappointment god. It strikes liars and scammers with stroke and blindness within a day. And she said, "Young man, your fellow country men had disappointed me all this while and because of that l am not taking chances. 

All the deities, gods and goddesses of Africa are here as witnesses. They are ready to deal with you if you disappoint me. They are your deities and l believed you are aware of their brutality more than l do. You are my last bus stop and l can't afford to loose you or allow you to slip out of my fingers".

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO FAINT OOOOOO!

THE STONE THAT THE BUILDERS REJECTED!

One day, l was on my way to the hospital because l was a bit feverish when l became extremely pressed. The environment was tide and l have to urinate in the open gutter. As l brought out my 'fine boy' to discharge the water, a porch looking lady walked past me. She took a look at my 'fine boy' and smiled. I quickly drew my trousers up.

I was really embarrassed and resented by her action being a female. And l shouted at her, "Come madam, what are you looking and smiling at? Don't you have respect for people's privacy? What do you want to see?"

And she said to me, "What do you have there that you are hiding? I have seen thousands of them, l mean the ones more better and expensive than yours".

I told her that she might have seen billions but definitely not mine! And she can't see mine even for her remain wayward life. 

And she said, "Look here young man, if l really want to see it, l can see it over and over again".

I said to her that if she sees my "fine boy", l will also definitely see her "beautiful girl". She then walked away.

I went to one of my friends' house and spent an hour there before l proceeded to the hospital. I took a card and met with the doctor. He told me to wait at the treatment room, that the head of the nurses would come to attend to me.

About fifteen minutes later, a nurse came with her uniform on. She asked me to enter into the room and lie on the bed. As she got closer to me, l recognized that she was no other person but the same lady whom l had an altercation with along the road about two hours ago!

She asked me to take off all my clothes and lie on the bed! I did with my two eyes closed.

She told me to face up and spread my two legs wide open! She just stood there looking at my 'fine boy'. When l opened my eyes, l found out that she was just gazing at my nude. I asked her angrily what was she waiting for before she would administer the injection on me.

She then gave me some drugs to be taken daily for a week! She then asked me to remain naked and face up with my two legs wide spread out for more five minutes. As she asked me to put on my clothes and go home, l asked her if l will come again. She said no. As l was about to go out of the hospital, she said,  "Mr hidder, as you can see, l have seen more than enough of that so precious pride of yours. Goodbye".  I then asked her why did she told me to strip myself naked when it was not necessary. She shouted at me to shut up and go home!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOO!

UNEASY LIES THE HEAD THAT WEARS SUFFER!

My unrelenting admirers we are up to the task!

The task of entertaining you! 

Always follow us to anywhere we go!

We love you!

I worked as a lorry driver for years. Because our roads were full of potholes and gallops coupled with armed robbers, l got a charm of disappearing from danger from a herbalist. The work of the charm is that, whenever your vehicle mistakenly enters into a pothole or involves in an accident with a bang, the charm will makes you disappear and you would find yourself sitting down comfortably in your room. Also, if there is any gunshot, you will disappear and reappear in your sitting room. So, in other words, it protects against accident and gunshot!  I later stopped the driving of lorry and l decided to travel abroad for greener pastures!

My people, for years l tried to travel to America, God's own country but all my efforts proved futile. I like to leave all the village rats, cats, dogs, goats, wall geckos and their witchcraft activities behind. After my fifth attempt to travel failed, l decided to do a thorough homework so that l won't fail for the sixth time.

Luckily for me, the sixth time, everything worked out  successfully! My international passport and Visa were in order. I quickly booked a flight. As l left the village, l said to those dogs, cats, rats, mosquitoes, goats and wallgeckos, "Witches and wizards, your evil can't stops me this time around men! Die men, all you workers of iniquities! I'm off to God's own country! You all gaddem bullshit men!"

I boarded a flight and l arrived the U.S. It was a memorable achievement! I was well received by my fellow country men and women. There was a mini party for my arrival. At this party due to the euphoria, a guy brought out his revolver pistol and he fired two shots into the air closer to where l was sitting. Immediately, l found my self back in the village sitting down in my room with all the rats, dogs, cats, mosquitoes and goats looking at me smiling!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO!!!

TROUBLE DON GO TIE BULUKU FOR WHERE YANGA DEY SLEEP O!

There was this friend of mine. For years, we didn't see each other. One day, on my way from a party we met! It was a memorable meeting! He was driving a new Prado Jeep with four pretty looking ladies in the car. We exchanged phone numbers.

Two days time, he asked me to meet him at a popular restaurant. I was there in no time. He told the Waiter to take my order. I ordered food and beer amounting N7000. When he saw the food, he asked the waiter how much food and he told him, N7000. And he said to me, "Dav, are you here to insult me? How dare you ordered N7000 food for me to pay? When l say you should order for food, l mean your favourite. That is banga soup with well cooked and spiced fresh cat fish or mudfish with starch not less than N30,000! 

N7000 food should be for a beggar not for you my bosom friend!" I begged him to let me be. He said that after the meal, I should meet him in room 19. After eating, l went to meet him. On getting into the room, he was with about five pretty looking ladies in nude massaging him. I was aghast!

He asked for my account number and l quickly gave it to him. He transferred the sum of fifty thousand naira into my account! A week later, l met him and l begged him not to give me fish any longer but rather to teach me how to fish myself.

He told me that he doesn't do any job. Only what he does is just to enjoy himself by eating, driving and making love to any lady he loves. I asked him the secret of his prosperity. He told me that he was as poor as a church rat or rather as the naked eyes which have no money to buy pant to put on, hence they called them, "NAKED EYES".

He said that one day he was walking through a very busy street with a lot of shops when he became extremely pressed! There was no hidden place for him to go into and urinate and so, instead of him to urinate on his body, he threw shyness to the wind. He unzipped his trousers and brought out his cock publicly and he urinated into the open gutter with dozens of ladies looking at him.

He said that two days time, he passed through that route again but this time, ladies flocked round him from all sides. They just asked him to give them his phone number. They started to call him telling him that the day he urinated publicly on the gutter, they saw his instrument and they would like to taste it because they love it!

He said that they started to come to his house with food, money, clothes and even cars!

After l listen to him, l wasted no time. Off my street, is one of such busy roads with a lot of females shops. I went there and l got to a particular spot with a lot of females standing outside their shops. I unzipped my trousers and bring out my cock and l began to urinate into the open gutter!

I hardly finished, when some military officers came out of one of the shops and they asked me to take off my clothes and start to do frog jump. They flogged me for hours till there was hardly any skin left on my body. They then ordered me to walk to the barracks nakedly and they will be following me behind in motorcycles. Come and see the crowd of people looking at my nakedness! 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOO!

KISSILOGY & TOUCHLOGY DON BACKFIRED O!

My people, as a young school leaver, many of my friends and l had no jobs. To feed became a great challenge to us. Everyone began to search for something to do. One of our friends, travelled to the Niger Delta areas of Nigeria. Within a week, he returned with a lot of money and beverages. We were amazed! 

He then told us that a guy took him to a certain business in one of the wharfs where cargo ships belt! The business was code named "PB, TB & KM," respectively. Now, 'PB' means, pressing breasts, 'TB, means, touching buttocks & 'KM, means, kissing mouth'.

He said that a lot of foreigners usually follow the ships down and since the sea was very cold, they always look out for free ladies to hang up with. He further said that you don't actually need to be a lady before you can take part in the business; that is, you can disguise as a female to deceive them. All you need do is to tie "Araramen coconut to each of your breasts and tie two soft pillows to your buttocks to bring them out like that of a female and then put on earnings and put on makeups!

Trust me, my guys! I wasted no time, l got ready and we went to Onne Wharfs in PortHarcourt, Nigeria! I, as a new person, l remained outside the gate. Then, my guy entered looking sexy! I also dressed to kill! 

Soon, a huge looking man with bulging muscles came and said to my guy, "Hello babe, are you ready for me tonight? I am starving men! I gonna spoilt you with dollars provided you make me happy men!" Three guys then joined him and they said to my guy, "Babe! You are dam hot! You are sexy men! The man started with "TB" but as the romancing got hotter, the soft araramen coconuts fell off to the ground. The game was up!

Soon, they discovered that he was a male and not a female. They stripped him naked with heavy blows which the greatest heavy weight boxer on earth would be afraid of. As the beating continued, he told them that he was not alone that the person standing at the gate was his partner in crime pointing towards me.

Immediately, l heard, "Look at the other one at the gate, get him!" My guys, l immediately, pulled off my artificial breasts, wigs, earnings and buttocks! I begged my God to give me a speed that both the wind, the lightning flash and cheetahs could never get anywhere closer to.

As they chased after me, l shouted to them saying, "No how powerful the wind may blow, it can never controls the eagle! Back tyre can never overtakes the front one! The world is like a ball, but no footballer can plays it! The oil always stays on top of the water!  

My guy, as l was about to get to Bayelsa state, come and see police roadblocks ahead of me and closely behind me were my pursuers!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO! 

PLENTIFUL PLENTEOUS!

There was this man who has twenty seven wives with ninety one children. At a time, his wives took him to court on the ground that he disgraces them by walking about nakedly in and around the big compound where they live.

After the case was red out in the court to the hearing of everyone, including the accused, the judge asked him if he has anything to say in regards to the allegation levelled against him by his wives.

He simply said, "My Lord, they are right. What they said is nothing but the plain truth. But come to think about it, my Lord. I am not the one to be blamed in this issue but rather themselves. They are twenty seven in numbers. The only job l have is to make love to them. 

Before l will finish with one, the other is ready; and before l will be through with her, another is waiting. So, l find it very difficult to be putting my trousers on and off every second hence l just decided to be in nude for a prompt action. Imagine, l weighed about 80kg before l got married to them, but presently, l weigh just 32kg, feather weight!

What they don't know is that, once a person starts to feel comfortable when he or she is naked like l usually do now means, madness is at his or her gate. I am walking nakedly in and around my own compound and they are complaining, what would they do when l start to walk nakedly along the roads and in the markets. I believed they will go to the supreme court then because no man can continue to sleep with twenty seven wives daily without becoming mad!"

The judge collapsed.

N:B, WHEN QUANTITY IS GREATER THAN MUCH, ABUNDANCE WILL BE CALLED TO QUESTION AS TO WHY MANY IS EQUAL TO SURPLUS IN THE COURT OF PLENTY!

AS USUAL!

A foreign journalist was in a local radio station one afternoon during a phoning program. In this phoning program, each caller was given two minutes to speak about the government's achievements! But when the program finally started, the foreign journalist observed that the forty persons that called were not allowed to use the two minutes allocated to them before they were stopped. 

After they had introduced themselves, which lasted about fifteen seconds, the radio presenter would interrupt them by saying, "That is alright, thank you! Thank you!" 

And so he asked him why didn't he allow them to used the full two minutes allocated to them before stopping them.

And the local radio presenter said, "You see, l am a full blooded Nigerian and l know my people very well. I already knew what they were going to use the remained 105 seconds to say, hence l stopped them. This is a radio station and there are rules which we follow so that the authority wouldn't close it down".

And the foreign journalist said to him, "No, that is impossible! You can't know what someone is going to say when he or she hasn't said it. No, it is impossible, l repeat!"

And the Nigerian radio presenter said, "In Nigeria, it is a hundred percent possible! We radio presenters in Nigeria don't need to be told about what a Nigerian would say pertains to the government's achievements whenever they are given the opportunity to speak in a radio program after introducing themselves. We have their mind in our mouth". 

The foreign journalist disputed the radio presenter's allegations and so he asked him to say what he thought they were going to say using the 105 seconds that they were denied.

And the radio presenter said, "These are all they wanted to say, this Corrupt goverment, agencies duplicators to syphon money, bandits supporters, these liars, thieves, hopeless idiots, elections riggers, incompetent government, bunch of illiterates, oppressors, treasury looters, money launderers etc. May the devil baptize them in hell, may Ogun, god of iron kill them, may Sango, the god of thunder strikes them, may their planes crash in the middle of the deepest part of the seas where dangerous hungry looking sharks, whales and crocodiles live, may they never wake up from their sleep, may kidnappers and bandits locate their families etc" 

The foreign journalist collapsed!

"MADAM, NOT EVERYTHING YOU TEACH YOUR CHILDREN!"

There was this single mother who lives with her only son. Because he was her only child, she Pampers him! But this little boy has the habit of doing things on his own without asking his mother for an assistance or directive.

Because of this, he makes several blunders! In such occasions, his mother would warn and advise him to always call her to help or direct him on whatever thing he wants to do. The boy then begins to call his mother for assistance or directive on whatever thing he does.

The mother was very happy about this. Even at eighteen years of age, he still calls his mother to assist or direct him on whatever thing he does. One day, he came to his mother and said,"Mother, there is this girl in my room. Come and show me how to make love to her or show me here so that l can go in there and do it exactly as you have showed me". 

THE MOTHER COLLAPSED!

Any man who says that he cannot satisfy his eyes by merely looking at the shape of the succulent breasts of a teenage girl from the dress must summit to the prison yard!

BIG AND WIDE SURPASSES ONLY BIG!

There was this man who came from Cross Rivers state to Delta state on a four day business trip. He lodged in a hotel. During the evening, he took a walk along the street opposite the hotel he lodged in. He saw a very pretty looking lady walking towards his direction.

He wasted no time, he woos her! After some minutes, the lady yielded to his demand! They went to a bar and had some soft drinks and snacks. Later both of them went to the hotel where he lodged. On seeing the hotel, the lady exclaimed, "WAO! This hotel is big!"

And the man said, "Well, we Cross Rivers people love big things". When they finally got into the man's room, the lady exclaimed, " WAO! This room is big!" And the man said, "There you are! We Cross Rivers people love big things".

They then went into the bathroom to have a shower. On entering into the bathroom, the lady exclaimed once more, " WAO! This bathroom is big! " And the man said, "Lady, remember, we Cross Rivers people, love big things".

The man first took off his clothes. When the lady saw his manhood, she exclaimed, " WAO! You are big!" And the man said, "Lady, bear it in mind that we Cross Rivers people love big things" 

Then the lady herself took off her clothes. She has big buttocks, breasts and wide private part. And the man exclaimed, "Are you also from Cross Rivers or are you related there? You are even bigger than the Cross Rivers people, wonderful!"

THE NEW ARITHMETIC FORMULA KNOWN AS "THE SON OF A WITCH".

Once upon a time, my five years old son who was in kindergarten 3, returned from school and l asked him what did he do at school. He told me that they did arithmetic. 

I then asked him the topic. He told me it was 'addition of numbers'. I asked him further if he can summarise it to my hearing. 

He said, "We were taught that:

One plus one, the son of a witch makes two!

Two plus two, the son of a witch makes four!

Four plus four, the son of a witch makes eight! Etc.

The next morning, l followed him to the school to see his teacher. I queried the teacher why did he have to teach the kids such horrible things.

And he said:

Sir, l only taught them that:

One plus one, the sum of which makes two and two plus two, the sum of which makes four and four plus four, the sum of which makes eight!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE O!

THE NEW AILMENT CALLED "PAOMA"

I travelled to the village one weekend. A female relation of mine wasn't feeling too well. She was feeling weak with each passing day.  To further worsen the matter, she gave birth to a set of twins not quite long.

I then gave her money to go to the village health care centre for a checkup. When she returned, she told me that the doctor said she has 'PAOMA'. I became surprised because l have never heard about that ailment once.

She said it was a new ailment according to the doctor.

I then accompanied her down. I asked the doctor what type of ailment was PAOMA that my sister was suffering from. It was then he told me that she was suffering from "TRAUMA" not "PAOMA"

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE O!

"GENERATION OF BORROWERLISM!"

One morning a woman engaged her husband in a fierce exchange of words.

WIFE: You are a good for nothing drunkard.

You are a womanizer and nothing else!

HUSBAND: I agreed. But l am far better than you who is a debtor! You borrowed money from my town's meeting, your town's meeting and our church females meeting with no means of paying back!

Your daughter borrowed airtime and data from GLO, MTN and AIRTEL without no means of paying back!

Nigeria borrowed money from Swiss Bank, China and world Bank with no means of paying back!

Congratulation, generation of borrowerlism!

THE UNKNOWN CAREER!

There was this woman, a single mother with two children, a boy and a girl. Both of them were in their final year in the primary school. One afternoon after they had closed from school, their proprietress came to their mother and said, "Madam, we are having our career day next week. That is the day all the pupils in primary six will choose the career they would like to become in the future.

Each pupil is expected to put on the uniform that depicts the career he or she would like to be in the future. We can get the uniform of any career your children chose for you at a token fee of just N10,00 per a child. 

Now, the mother who obviously can't afford the money decided to play a fast one on the proprietress.

She said to her, "Madam Proprietress, thank you. But you see, my children cannot participate in that careers' day because they have chosen their careers. The boy chose after his father and the girl chose after me. 

Before my husband got married to me and after he left me till now, he is an arm robber; and l, before l got married to him till now, l have been an ASHAWO, that is a 'prostitute'.

Our children chose after our careers, robber and a prostitute. Do you have the uniforms for an arm robber and a prostitute? If yes, then, l will try to get the money".

The proprietress collapsed and fainted.

Two days later, she regained consciousness and she went back to the woman and she said, "Madam, l am sorry for all that happened. But thank God that l am back hale and hearty! We must conclude the career's day preparation before l go. 

I can get the uniform of an arm robber for you. It is usually rough looking with a Hood which he would use to cover his face and probably, a pistol and a knife. Then that of the girl is usually a very short transparent miniskirt that exposes her laps and her pant with a short transparent blouse that exposes her breasts with red looking lipsticks and a chewing gum and a small bag that she would hang on her shoulder. With these, they are good to go!"

When the mother saw that the proprietress was bent on getting the money at all cost, she decided to put a final and deadly blow on the plan and so she said, "Madam, proprietress, l will give you the money on the ground that your eighteen years old son that is in the university will come and put on the clothes so that he would walk past a police station first, if nothing happens, then l will pay. And your sixteen old daughter, Evenly will put on the prostitute's clothes and she would go to a prison to give condemned male prisoners food. When she returned, then l will pay for my daughter".

And the proprietress collapsed for the last time and transited to an everlasting coma!

I AM MORE THAN FLABBERGASTED AND BAMBOOZLED!

Things were very difficult with me. To eat was like a fairytale! I then learnt that the government had brought rice in a large quantity to be shared to the poorest of the poor!

I wasted no time; l was there!

I was directed to the warehouse where they were supposed to be kept. I met the manager in charged of the distribution.

I told him my reason of coming there. He told me that there was no rice. I reminded him that he can't tell me that there was no rice in the supposed rice depot.

He then told me that before he came to work, his wife bought four cups of rice which she cooked and they ate.

NB, EVEN THE RICE DEPOT HAS NO RICE!

I became very angry and disappointed.

As l got to the gate, l began to murmur and l shouted on top of my voice for the gatemen to open the gate without delay! Some area boys there told me to shut up my mouth or they will beat me up. I dared them to do their worse because a hungry man can do anything mischievous.

They rushed at me with sticks. I ran for my dear life. I ran straight to the police station. I told them to protect me from my enemies because the motto of the police is to protect life and property of the citizens. 

The police told me that they were even looking for who will protect them because bandits have been threatening their life for sometimes now. I left more confused and disappointed.

NB, THE POLICE EVEN CAN'T PROTECT THEMSELVES LET ALONE TO PROTECT ME!

I went home angrily. On getting home, l was sweating profusely having ran a long distance. To worsen my plight, there was no light! Out of anger, l went to the electricity distribution company's office. (NEPA)  on getting there, l asked them as to why didn't they provide me with light after all, l was not owing them. The manager told me politely that he just sent someone to buy four litres of petrol for their small generator because they don't have light in any of the offices! He told me that for the past one month they have not gotten light hence they contributed money to buy a small generator which is called "I BETTER PASS MY NEIGHBOURS"  because the surrounding offices were mocking at them because they don't have light.

NB, EVEN THE ELECTRICITY DISTRIBUTION COMPANY'S OFFICES DON'T HAVE LIGHT!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE O!

GUYS, NA WHICH ONE PAIN PASS?

I saw my former guy selling drugs in a pharmacy.

I decided on what to buy so that he would be jealous.

I bought a packet of condom.

I then asked him if it is standard because some do rupture during used. He told me that it is very solid.

As l was about going out, he gave me his wedding card which indicates that his marriage would be coming up in two days time!

Guys, l almost collapsed because l am still jumping from bed to bed without any proposal!

I nor deceive una O! The mind wey l take go before na weda he go beg me, make l, make yanga for am and give am condition to pretend like say l nor want!

My guys, but he bombed me like as army dey bomb bandits!

Thinking is about to kill me for here O!