"WHAT IS WORTH DOING IS WORTH DOING WELL!"

There is this man whose wife sells female dresses. She has a boutique. she displays a lot of female dummies at the front of the boutique with different style of dresses.

One day her husband who is a chronic womanizer visited the boutique and the following ensued between them.

HUSBAND:Darling. You see, the producers of these female dummies are missing out something from these pretty looking dummies. Since they are females, they supposed to have constructed fine private part between their thighs for everything to blend well.

WIFE: You see, whenever l say that the devil is sitting on your head and he is riding you like a bicycle you just laugh. Now, see what is happening to you.

HUSBAND: This is not the case of the devil riding anybody's brain but the case of 'what is worth doing is worth doing well'. 

WIFE: So, you mean that all the prostitutes that you follow up and down like a he goat are not enough; you now want to sleep with female dummies? Isn't it?

HUSBAND: I still maintain that what is worth doing is worth doing well.

WIFE: Not to worry. Your nickname is 'the hard driller' you can drill a private part between their thighs and turn them to your new wives, animal!

HUSBAND: I still maintain that this is not a case of calling someone devil or animal but the case of "What is worth doing is worth doing well. Tell the manufacturers to just construct beautiful and soft wool private part between their thighs. That is all!

WIFE: Then go to China and tell them, idiot-woman-wrapper-he goat.

HUSBAND: If you like you talk from now till tomorrow. I stand on my words like the rock of Gibraltar.

WIFE: Yes, a he goat always maintains his closeness with the she goats! A bad Generational curse!

HUSBAND: Well, l am going out now because l don't have your time but I still maintain my stand that what is worth doing is worth doing well!

A CLEAR HANDWRITING ON THE WALL! At times, too much of availability renders an article useless!

Once upon a time, two photographs trended in the social media. One, a pastor and the other a witchdoctor!

After about a week, the pastor got only twenty likes but the witchdoctor, two thousand four hundred and eighteen!

The pastor was so angry and he commented: "I  am not surprised because broad is the road that leads to destruction but the hard way leads to God and eternal life. Only a few find it but much find the broad road!"

And the witchdoctor wrote the following: "Mr pastor, hold your breath! Too much availability of an article makes it useless or less important! You pastors have so much elevated yourselves to the extent that your popularity can now be compared to that of "a sachet alcohol", which can  be found in every nooks and crannies with a ten percent positivity and a ninety percent negativity! "

CAN YOU BEAT THAT?  CERTAINLY NOT!

OTURUGBEKE FAME!

Dear Oturugbeke,

I am a young pastor living in the northern part of Nigeria.

Our village is a centre of bandits and unknown gunmen.

Last month my father was killed by bandits. His corpse is still in the mortuary! Although, the burial ceremony will be coming up next month.

 we had our annual harvest Thanksgiving two days ago.

Now during the Thanksgiving ceremony, l received a lot of gifts ranging from foodstuffs, clothing materials, physical cash to mention but just a few. But two gifts surprised and terrified me. Someone brought a gun to me as a gift for me to defend myself against the bandits. Another person brought a coffin for me to bury my father with.

Sir, please; advise me on these strange gifts.

Thanks Sir, pastor Jacob Isah.

                                     THE REPLY:

Thank you, pastor Isah for seeking our advice.

The two gifts are in order based on what is on ground before you. Attach no superstition to it.

Register the gun with the government and bury your late father with the coffin.

Yours sincerely, OTURUGBEKE.

MR SHOOTER AND THE POLICE!

There was this man called Shooter who hailed from a village called "I Don't Need Nonsense". His wife's name was Arrest and his son's name was Detention and his daughter called Gun. One day, he was going to a village called, "Court" to meet a man named,  "The Law" to give him a job to do. But he could not locate the village. He continued walking along the road and he came to a police checkpoint and the following ensued between him and the police:

POLICE: It is very late Mr man. Where are you coming from?

MAN: I don't need nonsense.

POLICE: What is your name?

MAN: Shooter.

POLICE: Where is your gun?

MAN: Oh, Gun! My daughter? She is at home.

POLICE: Do you know what is called Arrest and Detention?

MAN: Yes, Arrest is my wife and Detention is my son.

POLICE: Mr man. We are going to arrest you now and then go and get your gun then we will put you in detention and later take you to court to face the law.

MAN: With all pleasure Sir.

AFRICAN TALES ( 7 ) THE BALAMA AND HER MAGIC LAMP. The goddess of rescue!

A STORY HANDED DOWN BY OUR FOREFATHERS WHO LIVED IN THE RURAL VILLAGES OF AFRICA.

THE BALAMA AND HER MAGIC LAMP.

ONE OF THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL STORIES ABOUT THE AFRICAN GODS AND THEIR FESTIVALS TILL TODAY.

This story is about a certain female god which has a lamp attached to her forehead. Whenever any of the villagers embarks on a journey, the Balama would moved ahead of such a person to provide a security. 

How it all started. There was this widower and a single father named Denome. 

Everyone was compassionate for his plight and the same time supportive to him. He lost his beloved wife to the cold arms of death one afternoon when she went to fetch cassava.

. On her way back, the torrential sea waves swept her and her canoe away into the deep waters and she was drowned. Her corpse and the canoe were never found. But many fishermen said they saw her struggling to stay afloat before she submerged.

She left behind three daughters. Denome was saddled with the task of the upbringing of the kids. 

He got a lot of supports from far and near. One day he went to fetch firewood and some ritual killers beheaded him and took his head. Only his body was found. In those days there were some festivals which required human heads before their commencement. Before such festivals, killers would be dispatched into the forests to hunt for human heads. Woe to anybody who mistakenly walks into their ambushed.

It was during one of these festivals that Denome was beheaded. This brought a great confusion, sadness and condemnations from far and wlde. Now, the people became extremely angry with these festivals and their deities. They called on their ancestors to help them. Miraculously, the Balama came to their rescue.

You will always see her ahead of you with the lamp shining brightly on her forehead once you are going on any journey.  Once you are out of the village and about to enter another village or territory, she would be seen behind!

The people believed that she provides security for them. 

Apart from these festivals, in those days human sacrifice was also very common because of its importance to the local traditional rulers.

These chiefs or traditional rulers have servants whom they send to abduct people along the roads. They used the abductees as sacrifice to appease the various deities as an atonement for their evils. Now, the Balama  seemed came to counter this evil practiced. She was believed to be a god of peace. But there were some weird aspect of her which the people dreaded. One of such weird nature and characteristics of the Balama was that she could be in many places at the same time. 

Secondly, in a situation whereby the light from the lamp on her forehead gets intercepted by another ray of light like either that of the sun or lightning flash she becomes dangerous. When this happens, there would be a loud thunderbolt that usually sends the people running for their dear life.

TO BE CONTINUED

But the traditional rulers who headed these traditional institutions and the festivals downplayed the efficacy of the Balama's powers to stop their nefarious and heinous activities. And so they called a general meeting of all the traditional rulers and invited the traditional chief priests. They asked the chief priests to find out the modus operandi of the Balama. But to their utmost surprised, the various oracles were silenced about the identity of the Balama.

They became more afraid and confused. Some decided to test her powers. These sent their killer masquerades into the forests as usual to abduct anybody whom they could find. But these masquerades never returned! And after sometimes, they sent their spiritual powered ritual killers. 

These were the ritual killers who behead their victims and take their heads.

They lay in an ambush for their victims. The Balama seemed to be aware of their presence! She swung into action!

TO BE CONTINUED

Now, she dematerialized herself as a mere lady going to the farm. They soon saw her walking all alone in the forest. "This must be a blessing from the gods! What a pretty looking lady! The sacrifice would be a superb one", they thought as they moved towards her cautiously so that she won't see them.

Suddenly, they swooped on her from all sides! They held her long hairs so that they could behead her.

But it was a terrible end!  Instead of beheading her as they intended, they ended up beheading themselves.

About ten heads and their headless bodies lay on the ground on their own pool of blood!

The Balama disappeared from there and reappeared in another part of the forest where other killers had also lay in an ambush for unsuspected villagers who may be going to their farms.

Not too long, they saw five pretty looking ladies with  basins on their heads just like people who were going to their farms. Yes, this was exactly the opportunity they were waiting for. Now, it came begging. They believed that the Balama can't really stop them from getting victims for their feast because they are about to get some heads. "Now, where is the Balama? She was nowhere to be found to defend these poor defenseless pretty looking ladies" so they thought for now.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Just as they walked past, the killers emerged quickly with their sharp cutlasses. It was seconds and these unsuspected ladies would forever be history! But the Balama was précised! She immediately metamorphosed to a very huge looking creature!

The Killers became afraid and they attempted to flee as fast as possible. But behold, nothing can escape the battled ready protector!

She held them and changed them to trees!

When these didn't also return, the rulers became really afraid. They tried to find out about what actually happened but again to their disappointment, the oracles were silent!

They then concluded to go to another part of the world to find out about what actually happened to their the killers.

TO BE CONTINUED!

GBA-GBOS LIVE! Exposure! Expository! Exposition!!!

There was this young man who fell in love with a certain educated lady. He deceived the lady that he was a director in his own self employed company. But actually, he works with a sewage, waste disposal company  He showers much money on this lady.

Whenever he goes to work, he adorns in a suit and tie making people to believed that he really works as an executive director like he claims.

One day, he himself and his colleagues went to evacuate waste in a certain estate and his girlfriend saw him.

About an hour later, after the lady got home, she called him and the following ensued between them.

GIRLFRIEND: Hello Darling, my sweetheart. 

How are you today?

BOYFRIEND: Very fine my love.

GIRLFRIEND: Are you at work?

BOYFRIEND: Precisely darling. I am presently in a board meeting with some of my executive staff members. I just paused what l was saying to answer you because you are everything to me. If not you, nobody on earth that I will pause this board meeting to answer.

GIRLFRIEND: So, what about shit? 

BOYFRIEND: You said what?

GIRLFRIEND: You know that the smell of shit can't hide, it smells far and wide even to my room here 

And the guy cut the call knowing that the cat is out of the bag.