HEAR YOUR PAPA, HEAR YOUR MAMA AND LIFE GO BETTER FOR YOU! LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS & IT SHALL BE WELL WITH YOU!

MY PEOPLE, I STIIL REMAIN YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

At a time, things started to go well with me. I got a job in a ship in one of these rich oil states of Niger Delta. One day, we sailed to one of the oil rigs. Our ship belts at the shore of one of those villages along the coastal line. 

In the evening, we observed that the villagers usually come to the river to take their bathe. Amongst those who came was this paragon of beauty lady. Her beauty can only be compared to that of an angel. Trust me, your guy. I started my love geography on her and before you know it, she had bowed to the superior fire powers from my sugar coated tongue! She gave me her phone number and her name. l took her photographs and also video her. Her name was Mantida. 

From that moment, we started to chat joyfully. I told her that l would like to marry her. She agreed immediately. For me once again, it is either Mantida or no one else!

When l got back home, l told my parents that l have found my future partner. And l showed them both the photographs and the video. They told me that since God has blessed me, l should take a wife from amongst our village girls. I told them that her beauty can't be wished away just like that. I tried to convince them that her beauty would boosts both my ego and their ego.

Yes, nothing could be better than having an angelic looking woman as a wife! I believed that all my friends would envy me. But my parents would not listen to me. They insisted on our village girls. I told them that our village girls are too local and l won't like to have a local champion as a wife. 

My patents told me that marriage  is never based on beauty but character. They said that many evils hide themselves under the shelter of beauty so that they can trap their victims easily. My parents said that beside that, there may be a problem of cultural differences.

Within three months everything was ready. The marriage date was fixed. As we were about to go, my mother said, "We don't prevent a child from growing a protruding teeth, provided he or she will have enough lips to cover it". I told her, "Mama, tell that to the birds!" 

All our family members and my friends and most of our village people went. The ceremony was held in a very big and open secondary school venue. It was filled to its capacity. Both sons and daughters of the village who were in diaspora came.  Everything went on smoothly with hundreds of people videoing the event both conventional media and social media. Content creators and bloggers as well.

After the main things have been done, the father of my wife climbed on a high platform and he addressed the people saying, "Distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen. You are all welcome to this historical occasion. Now, we are going to the most crucial aspect of our marriage tradition which is the cord of the marriage.

We are now going to call the newly married couple to come forward to that foam that is before us so that they can demonstrate to us that they can produce healthy children for their future life. Our beautiful daughter will strip herself naked and lie down and our in-law will also strip himself naked and make love to her publicly. We want to see their lovely skills. We expect our son in-law to twist his waist rigorously and put up a brilliant performance. It is also for us to see how powerful his "Fine Boy" can  perform. Whether it is the capable one or not".

Before, we could say Jack Robinson, my wife Mantida had gone to the foam. She took off her dress exposing her succulent breasts and then, her wrappers and the crowd yelled. She was about to take off her pants when l quickly rushed down to stop her. And a priest came up to me and said, "Our in-law, don't even try that or the gods will strike you dead! It is our tradition. Now, take off your clothes and mount her, time is running out!" 

l turned to her father and said, "But sir, what type of cultural differential is this? How can l strip myself naked publicly and make love to my wife in full view of thousands of people, both social media and conventional media and content creators? They will use me to make blue film?  You can't do that". And the father said, "My in-law, you see, there is nothing that we can do at this stage. It is either you do it or the gods will strike you dead".  

Immediately some heavily built young men came forward to undress me by force and l saw my family members and my friends and village people leaving to board their vehicles back home leaving me behind. I shouted to them, "My father! My mother! My friends and my village people, why have thou forsaken me!"  I told the men that l can't do it and they said that l should tell that to the birds!!

NA THERE, I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO!

LATE OBEDIENCE IS THE FIRST CHILD OF REGRET!

THE HEN SHOULD NEVER GO OUT WITH THE DUCK BECAUSE THE DUCK CAN WALK, FLY AND SWIM BUT SHE CAN'T!

It is me, your guy, Jack of all trades master of none!

NA FOLLOW, FOLLOW, DEY KILL FOULS!

One Saturday afternoon, l saw two of my friends each riding a very expensive car. I screamed and waved to them. They saw my hands and they packed. I was surprised to see them riding on expensive cars with beautifully looking ladies by their side. I asked them, the secret behind their success. They told me that they were signatory to each of their father's pension account being the next of kin. 

And so when their Fathers' pension money was paid, they emptied the accounts. Their fathers and my father were both retired from the army the same day. I was also the next of kin to my father. That means l can also empty my father's account and enjoy the money. Each of them was paid ten million naira. They told me that l was only wasting my time because l can also do the same and start to enjoy like them. But l told them that my father was a very harsh army officer and if he discovers it, he would kill me.

My friends told me that he would do no such thing. They told me that after they emptied their fathers' accounts, their fathers discovered and they were both arrested. But after about two weeks in detention, their fathers came to the police commissioner and asked him to release them on the ground that they can't kill their own children because of ten million naira life pension.That human is more valuable than money. They told me that l should do it fast and join them to cruise the town round in the most expensive cars and the most beautiful looking ladies on earth!

They said that my father will do no shit! That being his first son, he would only just arrest me for a week or so and he would asks them to release me. Then, l will go and enjoy the money. For me, nothing can be more better than that! Imagine my humble self to cruise around town on one of the most expensive cars on earth with beautifully looking busty ladies by my side. That is heaven on earth!

Without wasting time, l went and emptied my father's pension account. Within a week, l joined my friends on the streets with one wicked looking sport car. Trust me, two light in complexion angelic looking ladies on board!

When my father saw my sudden life style, he went to check his pension account because his two friends who were also pensioners had a similar experience with their sons who happened to be my friends too.

On getting there, the expected had happened! The account has no dine! In no time l was arrested and locked up. A week later, l saw my father and hope rise for me that he has come to bail me. After about thirty minutes, they brought me out of cell and they handed me over to my father. I was very grateful to him. I prostrated often to beg and thank him for having mercy on me. I said, "Now, l believed that you are a loving father. You love me just like God loves Jesus. I will forever be faithful and obedience to you". But one surprise thing to me was that in all these, he never uttered  a word.

We entered into his car and he drove off. Then, l observed that the direction he was going was not the direction to our house. After about an hour, he left the major road and followed a bush road. It was then it dawn on me that if fish is not put in hot water, it will never know that water which is its best friend is also its best enemy!

We soon arrived a hut and it became obvious to me that the hot water on the fire can never be for the young man to bathe but for the elderly man!

Soon, a heavily bearded elderly man came out. And my father said to him pointing at me, "Baba, take a look at this idiot and tell me if l can get up to ten million naira from his body if l use him to do money rituals". 

And the man said, "Sir, he can give you up to thirty million naira". And my father said, " Yes, better! Better! So that l can use the remain twenty million to train his younger ones in school. He has to die for his younger ones for them to have a better life and become responsible citizens.After all, Jesus Christ used his blood as ransom for humanity to save! He will be my family's Jesus Christ!"

As the herbalist called his men to come and tie me up; l shouted to my father saying, "My father! My father! Why can't you forgive me? Remember that you love me just as God loves Christ". And he said, "Exactly my son! Out of the love that God has for Christ, hence he sent him to die for all his childre! He was obedience to death.That is the same love that l have for you, hence l sent you to die for your younger ones! Just be obedience to me just like Jesus was obedience to God and die for us".

And l shouted again, " My father! My father! Why have thou forsaken me? Forgive me!"

And my father replied: My son! My son!  No forgiveness in my dictionary! 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOOOOO!

"DON'T TELL LIES AGAINST ME", THE DEVIL PROTESTED!

My people, I still remain your guy, Jack of all trades; master of none!

It is a common thing to see and hear criminals blaming the Devil for their crimes!

This clergyman was caught red handed (pant down) with a choirmistress who was a married woman. Now, this lady was very beautiful. She was down to earth. Her husband arrested the clergyman and charged him to court for adultery.

On the first day in court, the complainant stood inside the dock facing the judge. The suspect was also docked.

After the charges were red to the hearing of everyone in the courtroom, the judge asked the suspect if he was guilty or not.

He replied that he was not guilty. The counsel to the complainant asked him why did he plead not guilty when he was caught in the act red handed.

He said that it was the work of the Devil! That the Devil pushed him into doing it. But to the surprise of everyone, a very tall and handsomely looking man appeared inside the third dock!

Nobody knows how he got there.

The surprised judge asked him who he was. And he said, "My Lord, l am the Devil in question. The humans are bunch of liars and ungrateful creatures. Especially, the clergymen. How on earth would l have pushed this man to sleep with this pretty looking lady to enjoy her? No way!

Don't l myself like enjoyment? Just take a look at the beauty of this lady. I couldn't have pushed this man into enjoyment when l myself l am starving of that thing. I am always looking out for pretty looking ladies like this, but l can't have access to them because they are always in the churches. The churches preach holy ghost fire against me daily and so to have an access to these beautiful daughters of men was as difficult as squeezing water out of a stone!

The clergymen are the ones who always enjoy them. Now, he is lying against me that l pushed him to commit adultery. I can't push you to enjoy what l am even praying to enjoy. Don't l love to enjoy? Common shut up your dirty mouth and face the penalty; bloody liar!"

IT IS ONLY THE DEAD THAT CAN'T DEFEND THEMSELVES!

,

SEE DANGER, SEE LOVE! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

GERIRYA MY LOST GARDEN OF EDEN!

MY LOVELY FRIENDS. IT IS ME, YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

Long ago, l fell in love with a beautiful looking light in complexion and busty northern Nigeria girl, named Gerirya!

Come and see love in Tokyo. It is either Gerirya or no one else! After about two months, she told me that her parents have approved of our marriage eventhough they haven't seen me. It was like Adam was pardoned to return to the Garden of Eden! My joy knew no bound!

Yes, at last this girl will be my wife. Had it been that l have wings, l could have flew to thank God. Then, one Saturday, her parents sent her to fetch me to their house for them to know me and also to arrange for the marriage ceremony.

Immediately, they saw me, they approved the marriage!

They told me that since they have approved it, the rest is for my wife to be to brief me how it will be done. She took me outside and told me that their tradition doesn't demand me to pay money on her as bride price. She told me that she has another suitor, a young man like myself.  

The tradition stipulates that the man and l are going to compete who will really win her love by flogging each other! When l heard these words, l became more happier because when it comes to flogging, l have no rival! When l was a monitor, every pupil fears me. I believed that l will teach this guy an unforgettable lesson of his miserable life, that is if he has any because, how dared him to compete my lovely Gerirya with me!

Then came the day of the competition! It was held in an open field with hundreds of spectators watching us. For me, it was a moment of truth and no two ways about it.

This guy was tall and slim. He held a long cane which l later knew to be KPACHA!  Which means, "It is only a foolish man that challeges the gorilla to a wrestling competition because the gorilla is always born a wrestler!" They asked me to start. I began to trash him like no man's business! He just stood there looking at me like a fool! I believed he would soon cry and beg me to have pity on him. That means, l will rather flog him to death than to have mercy on him.

Suddenly, the game changed! He told me that l was just a small rat. That l should have known that the rat that goes to watch the wrestling contest of the cats will never gets home to tell the others what he saw. 

I never knew that this guy was a herder! A cattle rearer! Nomadic herdsman! A man that flogs cows till they cry for help!

He then said in their style of English language: kai ! Kai ! Walahi Talahi, today, me l don  die pata-pata. I go punishment you. Walahi Talahi! I no get am for sense? You I dey come hear to take am for my WAF, amariya ko? Shege! Danbanza kowe! Dan-iska!  I go flog am for you like l dey flog am for lama-lama, cow!

His first flogging was on my right ear! It cuts it into two! My eyes rotate round in their sockets 360 degrees Celsius!  I saw stars with different colours! I was forced to shout: My father! My father! Why have thou forsaken me?

It was then it dawn on me that Nazi is far from Nazareth!

I wonder why on earth would my in-law to be subject me into a flogging competition with a man who follows cows in the sahara deserts. A man who cows fear! And Gerirya who was standing close by, beckoned on me to try harder and win her love! 

And l said to her, "My love! My love! I have flogged pupils in my school days and won, but l am now  facing a cow flogger!  An expert in the whipping of cows to cry! This battle is beyond me, my love!" 

They brought water and poured on my body! They gave me cow milk called "FURA-DE-NONO" to drink! I soon regained consciousness and we started the final flogging. At the end, l was carried from the north to the south on a stretcher half dead! All my skin was off my body!  

My eyes were swollen like water pot!

My head has several swollens like that of a cow's horns!

My parents were surprised to see me. They took me to the hospital but the doctor rejected me, instead referred me to be flown to India for a plastic surgery. 

Na there l shout say, "I GO DIE OOOO!

WHAT IS GOOD FOR THE GEESE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER!

IT IS YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE! 

There was this pastor who was posted to a newly established branch of a certain church. He was a young man and also a bachelor. On arrival at his new church, a cook was employed for him. That evening, the cook came to him and the following took place between them:

COOK: Good evening sir, man of God. You are welcome. What do you want to eat so that l will go to the market to buy the ingredients and prepare it for you. I am your cook.

PASTOR: May the Lord bless you, brethren. It's my pleasure having you as my cook. I am pastor Isaiah. What do l call you?

COOK: I am Panhood by name sir.

PASTOR: That name doesn't sound English! It is a local name. I will like to change it to reflect the English language for an easy pronunciation. Henceforth, in the name of the holy spirit, l hereby change this Panhood to Manhood for an easy pronunciation. The diffidence is just the letter P & the letter M, that's all!

Now, listen to me. I don't eat meat or fish. Only what l eat is chickens' Gizzards! So whenever you go to the market, always buy Gizzards to prepare my meal.

COOK: Thank you Sir, man of God.

One day, the cook went to the market and he couldn't find Gizzards to buy. He then reason that since he didn't see Gizzards, what else can be similar to Gizzards. And so he asked a certain trader who was an illiterate. Now, she thought that he asked her about Lizards. And she went and brought fifteen male Lizards, known as agama lizards and she butchered them and packaged them for the cook and he paid her and then went home.

When he got home the pastor went out.He hurriedly prepared the meal. The pastor soon returned and he said, "Brethren, Manhood, please bring my food. I am very hungry. In a jiffy Manhood served the pastor the food.  The pastor ate the food hungrily. But as he was about to put one of the the Gizzards into his month, he observed that the thing he was holding has legs and hands with red head with combs!

"Holy ghost fire, what is this, what is this brethren Manhood?" He asked in an astonishment.

And Manhood ran down. Seeing the pastor holding the giant red neck agama lizard in his hand, he smiles and said, "Oh, man of God! I couldn't find that your favourite Gizzards in the market today and it was only this kind that l could find. l was told that this kind is bigger and even more delicious than that former ones".

PASTOR: Holy Heaven! Lizards? I am finished!  Do you expect me to eat this lizard in place of my normal Gizzards, brethren Manhood?

COOK: Man of God. You are not eating Lizards but Gizzards. Because after buying them, l then changed them from Lizards to Gizzards in the name of the holy spirit just as you did to my name. Just assume that you are eating Gizzards and not lizards. After all, the difference is just the letter L & the lettter G. Just as you changed my name from Panhood to manhood and l didn't complain, l expect that you should not also complain because what is good for the goose is good for the gander!"

N:B. WE SEE OTHER PEOPLES' CHALLENGES AS A MERE CHILD'S PLACE AS FAR IT DOESN'T AFFECT US!