THE MOST REMOTE VILLAGE IN THE FOREST HAS ANOTHER VILLAGE AHEAD OF IT!

MY PEOPLE, NA ME UNA GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

There was this pretty looking girl, a daughter of an army officer. The girl's name was Hayatu!  

Our love was like that of the face and the mirror. I called it, 'LOVE IN TEXAS!' she looks like an India girl in panshew movie!

But the major obstacle was that she lives in the barracks. Secondly, whenever she comes to our shop to buy things,  escorts follow her. We only communicate when giving her the articles she bought. Trust me, l was able to woo her. She describes a route for me to pass into the barracks to avoid the main quarter guards. She said that on Sundays, her parents usually go out to visit their friends and she then have a swell time watching movies all alone in her room.

Trust me, your guy! That penultimate Sunday, l made it successfully to her room. Her parents were out!  No sooner had l entered into the room, l took off my clothes to cool off in  the air-conditioning. Just then, there was a bang on the door. A baritone voice said from outside, "I know that there is a certain bloody fool in there. It will do you a whole lot of good for you to open the door and come out voluntarily".

I went and hid behind the door with the hope that once the door is opened, l will run out with the speed of a lightning flash. Hayatu then went to open the door. Immediately, she opened the door, the eyes of the military policemen were all focused under the bed. I ran out with a speed that an Israeli jet fighter would have even envied!

But like a proverb of our forefathers which says that, "Once the rabbit finds itself in the midst of the mongooses, its end has come". I ran into the waiting arms of about thirty bloodshot eyes military policemen! The dice was cast!

Like the lamb which is being led to the slaughter, it opens not its mouth!

They first gave me, fifty frog jump! It was quickly followed by peeping with one finger touching the ground and raising up of one leg for an hour. That was quickly followed by sitting in the air. This broke me down completely! My spinal cord almost broke off! I collapsed. They poured water on my body and l revived. As l was begging them to have mercy on me, the worse happened:

A convoy with siren blaring loudly entered into the barracks. Hayatu's parents have returned! The father was surprised to see the crowd. After they had told him everything, he asked me to confess or face the music. I said, "Sir l am ready to dance reggae or disco or juju, apala, ogene or fuji or even highlife blended with country music, no more blues! I am ready to confess every evil, both the ones l did and those which l didn't do". They folded me together! Then they gave me what was known as M.M.O.E.F.  Mass Mobilization Of Extraordinary Floggings. My people, l must confess that l saw my two ears without looking at the mirror!

The music changed entirely as Hayatu's mother came and said, "Officers, it seems to me that you people love this young man a lot. Now, take him to the female gorillas' cage in the zoo so that he can have a good time with those friendly and sexy female gorillas since it is a woman that he wants". 

And l shouted to her saying, "Madam, please l am a human being like you. Don't do that!"

And she said, "Young man. You need a girlfriend and we have them in abundance. My daughter is just a young girl, these are matured ladies for you to enjoy. Happy weekend!"

We soon arrived the zoo. The officers then stripped me naked. O boy as the giant gorillas saw my nude, come see the way them dey happy come dey jump up!

It was then it dawned on me that the rabbit and the smoke can never be friends! 

They all have their name tags! One busty looking female gorilla with heavy back and front came towards me. She has a name tag: DERIKO MAMA. Her mouth was as wide as a well! 

The zoo keeper said to her, "Deriko Mama, come forward please and give this young man a warm and a welcome kiss. He loves women!"

She rushed forward and opened her well like mouth to kiss me:

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!

"ZAINAIBU, I CAN NO LONGER LAY DOWN MY LIFE!"

My people, it is still me, your trusted guy man, Jack of all trades; master of none!

There was this girl named, Zainaibu, a daughter of an army colonel. She looks like an Arab lady. To say that she is beautiful is an understatement. We were in the same class in the secondary school. She comes to school and goes back home with military escorts. This made it very difficult for us to either go out or play together. She told me how to come to the barracks and her parents wouldn't see me or know about it.

That Saturday, l made it successfully into the barracks and directly into her room! It was like seeing the heavens promising me God's kingdom directly! We ate TUWO-SHIKAFA & BISKI DE MIA-YAKWA! BABRUSKO! There were a lot of kunu-zaki and hot kwokwo to match it all!

Two hours later, she asked me if l can do the following sacrifices for the sake of her love:

CAN YOU ENDURE FROG JUMP FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE?

 CAN YOU ENDURE DANGLING FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE?

CAN YOU ENDURE HORESEWHIPS FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE?

CAN YOU ENDURE PUNCHES AND BLOWS FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE?

 CAN YOU ENDURE GUARDROOM FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE?

CAN YOU YOU ENDURE KICKING FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE?

CAN YOU ENDURE BELT WHIPS FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE?

I told her that l will love her with all my life, body and soul, come what may.

She asked me if l was serious.

And I replied: Yeeeeessss!!! Yeeeeeeessss!!!

And l asked her why all these questions. She said that these are the punishments that an intruder normally receives when caught with an officer's daughter. I assured her that l can even endure more than these!

Suddenly, there was a loud bang on the door. I ran into the wardrobe and hid myself amongst the clothes. In no time, the military policemen fished me out!

They began to give me the different punishments just like she had said. But l endured all. For five hours they tortured me. 

Then, her father came and he was very surprised to see me looking hale and hearty. And he said, "Why didn't you boys give him the normal VIP treatments?"

And they answered: Sir, we have given him all the punishments but he feels no pain! He says no punishment he can't endure for the love of your daughter!

And the colonel said, "In that case, give him the usual 'DEVIL'S PILLS" 

Immediately, they brought me to a swimming pool filled with giant electric fish and electric eels! 

And the colonel said, "Mr lover boy. This small pool here has about 1000 giant electric fish and a thousand electric eels! Each of them has about 1000KVA MEGA WATTS ELECTRICITY CURRENT. Now, honourably jump into it and have a nice swim together with these friendly animals!" 

 And l shouted, "Sir, l can't do this; instead l no longer love your daughter". 

And Zainaibu who was standing close by  said, "Honey, but you promised that you will love me with all your life, body and soul! Now, where is the love?"

And l said, "Yes, with my live body and soul not with my dead body and dead soul because the Holy Bible says that "The soul that sineth shall surely die! If l am dead, then the love will be useless. One electric eel has about 1000KVA electricity power generation! One electric fish can electrocutes a thousand person to death let alone two thousand of them. Promises made under enjoyment in the secret can't be fulfill publicly in the present of death!"

And the colonel commanded, "Jump into the pool now or l will pump the two thousand round of live ammunitions from this AK-47 RIFLE into your body. 

You have to choose between dying by the shock of the fishes in the pool or by the bullets from the AK-47 rifle!"

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO TRUE-TRUE, DIE OOOO!

NOTHING DISGRACES AND EXPOSES MAN MORE EFFECTIVE LIKE NATURE!

My guys, na me una bro, Jack of all trades; master of none!

It is said in pidgin English, "Na condition make crayfish bend!"

Harsh condition dealt with me to the extent that l could hardly feed once daily! Instead of man to steal, l decided to buy food and other eatables on credit. But the problem is, it is one thing to buy things on credit and another is to pay back! I began to buy things on credit to the extent that l began to measure my debts on food with the money that the Nigerian government is owing on nonprofitable loans!

Now, for your information, a debtor is the most vulnerable and weak human being on earth! Because the creditor can talk and use you as a slave as far you have no means of paying back! 

MAKE UNA DEY CHECK ALL THESE OUR LEADERS WEY DEY GO ABROAD EVERY TIME SO,  WHETHER DEM DEY TAKE DEM DEY WASH PLATES, DEY CLEAN HOUSES AND DEY WASH DEAD BODY FOR MORTUARIES OOO! DEM NOR GO TELL US OO,  BECAUSE DEM BE DEBTORS OOOO!

And so, one day a certain woman whom l was owing came and demanded for her money. I said that l don't have. The next thing, she gave me a broom to sweep her compound and wash her clothes including pants! 

My people, man pinkin dey suffer OO!

I ran away and from that day, l began to avoid her as necessary as l can. I no longer pass the street where she lives. I diverted to another route. 

One day, a certain woman gave me a job to do for the sum of N5000. I was very happy. She told me to come to her shop to collect the money when l am done with the job. I did the job with a speed and strength that even a bulldozer would have envied. 

Happily, l went to her shop to collect my money. I was very hungry. As l entered into the shop, she was sitting discussing with a woman. I didn't even look at the woman properly because my focus was on my money. As the woman gave me the money, the next thing I heard was, "Oga sir, l beg just give me this N5000, so that l will know that you have paid something". 

When l looked at her, behold! She was the woman that l owed! The woman whom l have been avoiding!

She collected the money with the speed that even Iranian long-range rocket missile would have envied!

I went home, hungrily, angrily, dejectedly, stupidly, sorrowfully, pitifully, painfully and deathly!

As l got home, behold my door which l shut before l left was opened and the door ajar! 

As l got inside, behold my stove, cooking pot, spoon and the mat which l usually spread on the door to sleep were nowhere to be found!  Iron damaged scavenger has stolen them!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOOO!

ALCOHOL CAN NEVER KILL THE BEE!

My people, na me, una original guy man, Jack of all trades; master of none!

After many years of joblessness, l finally secured a job in a brewery. A beer manufacturing company!

My first day at work, O, boy, come see free beer! It has been long, that guy man tasted beer! The next day, l went to work with a glass inside my bag. Once it is twelve O'Clock, everyone would got out of the warehouse for an hour break.

But as for me, l hid myself behind some crates of beer. After everyone had gone for break, l swung into action! My people,  come see as una guy dey take dey wound beer! In less than thirty minutes, l have vandalized fifteen bottles of beer into my stomach. I dose off. I remained there till they closed and locked me in there. 

During the midnight hours, l woke up only to find myself alone inside the warehouse. I was hungry and my head ached. I went and wound more bottles. I later dose off again. In the morning, those sweeping the warehouse found me sleeping and snoring loudly like a native doctor of an evil spirit. They raised an alarm. The manager came and he called in the security men to push me outside.

I staggered out not knowing where l was heading to. O boy, come see the way l dey wave from one side of the road to the other like a dried leaf wey  breeze dey blow anyhow. There was a roadside restaurant outside the gate. Some policemen packed their van in front of the restaurant with its doors wide opened. They went into the restaurant to eat.

As l staggered across the road with my full senses being controlled by the spirit of alcoholism, l saw the police Van's doors wide opened! I thought it was my room door.

I staggered into it and l lied on the seat and l slept off!

In the evening l woke up only to find myself in the police cell. I asked them who brought me there. They said that it was Mr Beer! I tried to go home but they told me that l have to bail myself. They charged me with the following offences:

1. Drinking of beer without permission. 

2. Self attempted  murder.

3. Constituting a public nuisance.

4. Unlawfully entering into a police van etc.

However my manager came to bail me.  At the month end, l received a letter saying: We are sorry to tell you that your services is no longer needed. Secondly, no salary for you because we deducted the number of beer that you enjoyed from your salary and the remained, we spent on your bail. You are not to be seen in or around this premises from this moment. As l try to beg, the security men came and bundled me out!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOOOP!

FIRST TO DO DOESN'T HURT LIKE THE LAST STRAW!

It is me your guy, Jack of all trades; master of none!

THE JOURNEY TO BECOME A MAN HAS THE SAME LENGTH AS THE JOURNEY FROM THE EARTH TO THE LAND OF THE DEAD! Hence it is said that evil communications corrupt good manners.

There was this friend of mine, a pool agent. Daily l go to his pool office to sit down. Especially on Fridays and Saturdays! People come to play games with huge amount of money! But after the results are out, l found out that only a few people come to collect small amount of money as winning. Some nothing at all.

I then asked him what happens to those huge amount of money the people invest weekly. He told me that it is gambling and if you don't win, then your money is gone! I asked him who takes those money. He said that he was only given a little commission as an agent and the rest are for the coupon promoters! He said that at times, when a novice who doesn't know the strength of teams play games, he would promote the games by not posting them but take the money for himself because he knows that they won't draw.

With this trick in my mind, l opened my own office!  Whenever some novice come to play games with huge amount of money, l would check the strength of the teams and if they don't match, then l will promote the games. I will not post the games. I will buy beer and fried chicken. Enjoyment galore. Enjoyment has  no bone! I continued to enjoyed people's hard earned money.

Every weekend, roasted meat ( suya ) and barbecues! I became robust and fleshy with women everywhere. Then one day, a certain man played games from me. The teams were no match! I knew that they were dead games and they won't draw. I promoted the games. When results came out on Saturday evening, it was ten draws on coupon. The man has won two million naira!

My heart almost jumped out of my mouth! I didn't post his games instead squandered the money on barbecues and suya and cold bottles of beer! Oh! Death, where is thy sting? 

Oh! Ground, open and hide me. What should l do?

It was obvious that l can't get that money even if l have to sell off all my poverty stricken clothes and my old black and white television set. I decided to run away during the night hours.

Then l remembered that nobody can get out of the village during the night hours. I decided to flee the next morning. But very early in the morning, this man came to me to collect his money. I asked him what was he going to do with the money. He said that he had assigned the money to the different things he was going to buy. He began to dance and buy drinks on credit for everybody around telling them that the next day, he would pay them all.

Later that day, l fled to a far away town and opened another pool office there. For two years, l went on smoothly. Then one day, a certain army lieutenant won three million naira in my office.  He came to me and l promised to pay him the next day in the evening. I went to the bank and l withdrew the money and brought it to the office. Just about ten minutes to 6pm, the army lieutenant called me that he was on his way to my office to collect his money. I told him that the money was ready in my office.

Just then, some armed policemen burst into my office with a man! When l looked at the man properly, he was no other person than the man whom l fled with his money two years ago! He ordered the policemen to search the office and any money found be taken. In no time, they found the three million naira meant for the army lieutenant and they collected it. I told the man that his money was two million naira and not three million naira. But he asked me to shut up, that it has generated interest amounting to a million naira over the years, which means the extra one million was the interest generated.

After they left, l was about to flee the office when the army lieutenant came with six fierce looking military policemen. I lost my senses and l fainted. I woke up to find myself in a military hospital surrounded by fierce looking military policemen all with horsewhips. Immediately, l opened my eyes, they shouted to the lieutenant saying, "Oga sir, he has woken up". As he came, the first thing he said was, "You bloody civilian, where is my three million naira?" 

Na there l shouted say l go DIE OOOO! 

And l fainted again.Till now, l am still in the land of coma!