WHAT IS GOOD FOR THE GEESE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER!

IT IS YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE! 

There was this pastor who was posted to a newly established branch of a certain church. He was a young man and also a bachelor. On arrival at his new church, a cook was employed for him. That evening, the cook came to him and the following took place between them:

COOK: Good evening sir, man of God. You are welcome. What do you want to eat so that l will go to the market to buy the ingredients and prepare it for you. I am your cook.

PASTOR: May the Lord bless you, brethren. It's my pleasure having you as my cook. I am pastor Isaiah. What do l call you.

COOK: I am Panhood by name sir.

PASTOR: That name doesn't sound English! It is a local name. I will like to change it to reflect the English language for an easy pronunciation. Henceforth, in the name of the holy spirit, l hereby change this Panhood to Manhood for an easy pronunciation. The diffidence is just the letter P & the letter M, that's all!

Now, listen to me. I don't eat meat or fish. Only what l eat is chickens Gizzards! So whenever you go to the market, buy Gizzards to cook for me.

COOK: Thank you Sir, man of God.

One day, the cook went to the market and he couldn't find Gizzards to buy. He then reason that since he didn't see Gizzard, what else can be similar to Gizzard. And so he asked a certain trader who was an illiterate. Now, she thought he asked about Lizard.  And she went and brought fifteen male Lizards, known as agama lizards and she butchered them and packaged them for the cook and he paid her and then left.

When he got home the pastor went out. He soon came and he said, "Brethren, Manhood, please bring my food. I am very hungry. In a jiffy Manhood served the pastor the food.  The pastor ate the food hungrily. But as he was about to put the Gizzard into his month, he observed that the thing he was holding has legs and hands with red head with combs!

"Holy ghost fire, what is this, what is this brethren Manhood?" He asked in an astonishment.

And Manhood ran down. Seeing the pastor holding the giant red neck agama lizard in his hand, he smiles and said, "Oh, man of God! I couldn't find that your favourite Gizzard in the market today and l was told that this type is bigger and more delicious than that former ones".

PASTOR: Holy Heaven! Lizards? I am finished!  Do you expect me to eat this lizard in place of my normal Gizzards, brethren Manhood?

COOK: Man of God. You are not eating Lizards but Gizzards. Because after buying them, l then changed them from Lizards to Gizzards in the name of the holy spirit just as you did to my name. Just assume that you are eating Gizzards and not lizards. After all, the difference is just the letter L & the lettter G. Just as you changed my name from Panhood to manhood and l didn't complain, l expect that you should not also complain because what is good for the goose is good for the gander!"

N:B. WE SEE OTHER PEOPLES' CHALLENGES AS A MERE CHILD'S PLACE AS FAR IT DOESN'T AFFECT US!

BEST MONITORING SPIRIT!

      JUNIOR AND HIS WOMANIZING FATHER AT IT AGAIN!

This is your guy, Jack of all trades; master of none!

JUNIOR: Dad, you pray daily that God should kill the monitoring spirit which troubles and monitors your life. Who is actually this monitoring spirit?

DAD: Your mother! She is the one following me all about and monitoring my activities daily.

JUNIOR: But dad, l think she is doing a great job for you. She says that she is just trying to protect you from untimely death because you run after people's wives. For example, look at your lips. The upper lip is fatter than the lower lip, courtesy a deadly blow you received from a man who caught you talking with his wife. Look at your eyes. The left eyeball is bigger than the right eyeball, courtesy a heavy punch you received from a man who saw you giving his wife money.

Don't you think mummy is rather a guardian Angel to you rather than being a monitoring spirit?

DAD: Then she has to give me at least a year to repent and stop all the rubbish. Not just at once.

JUNIOR:  But Dad, delay is dangerous! Those who wait for the twelfth hour to repent may die at the eleventh hour!

She can't afford to see her husband with one eye deformed, one lip deformed, one ear deformed, one leg deformed, one hand deformed etc. The additional one year may produce the additional deformities! Do you want to become like the Fairy, the forests god who has half body?

REMEMBER: Wisdom is a gift of nature but it is given to only those who will use it for the benefit of mankind!

IT IS ALWAYS DIFFICULT TO ROLL A CANOE AGAINST THE TIDE!

My people, it is me, your indefatigable Jack of all trades; master of none!

After l had done with my secondary school education, l started to work as a sales boy in a supermarket. Monthly, my father takes my salary from me and that of my brothers and sisters and he built a very high tower made up of bamboos. It was about three storey high. He has a long ladder which he uses to climb the tower. He keeps all our salaries there. He said when l have gotten a substantial amount, l will then stop the job and he will use the money to finance my university education.

He knew that l love women just as a bee loves palm wine! With that money there, no way for me to get anywhere closer to it let alone to take from it. One day l fell in love with a certain lady and she told me that l must buy a wristwatch for her first before she will agree to be my girlfriend. The third day which was Saturday, she came to me.  

I then took her to a nearby restaurant and l ordered food and soft drink for her. I then left to look for money to give to her for the wristwatch and pay for the food. I found where my father kept the ladder and l carried it and l used it to climb the tower. I made it successfully and l entered into the save room where my father usually keeps the money. I never knew that my father was watching me all the while. He came and carried the ladder away. When l have taken the amount l needed and l was about to climb down, alas! No ladder!

I began to call for help. And my father came and he said to me, "I just want to leave you up there waiting for when you will fall to the ground so that l will use the money in your hand to treat you". As if that was not enough, the lady who owned the restaurant held the girl down to me demanding for her money. They were surprised to see me up dangling helplessly like a thief. And she shouted to me saying, " Bros, if you fail to pay me my money now, l am taking this girl away and l will put her in a room and l will call men to be sleeping with her till l get my money".

And my father said to the woman, "Madam, go and use the lady for prostitution and when she had worked your money complete, then l will make sure that this my stupid son marries her! This idiot must marry the food that everyone ate remained!"

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOOOO!

WHEN MY BEST CHOICE OF WIFE BECOMES A TABOO!

MY PEOPLE, IT IS ME YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES;  MASTER OF NONE!

As a young man, my mother told me to get married in time so that she will carry her grandchildren when she was still alive. But my choice of wife was a female footballer! And not too long, l got a female footballer. I immediately took her to see my parents. As we sat down, my father said to her, "young man, drinks, kola nuts and money are on the table for your entertainment". I quickly correct my father saying, " Dad, she is a female not a male". 

Ten minutes later, my parents excused me into the room and said, "Don't you have any sense? What is this thing that you brought to us? No breasts, no buttocks. How are you sure if there is a hole between her thighs? Common take this thing away".

I then brought a police lady and introduced her to my parents. They then excused me into the bedroom said to me, " Don't you have any sense? Don't you know that our business is India hemp farming? And she would in no time arrest us? Common, take her away”. 

I then brought another lady but this time, a thief. After l have introduced her to my parents, they excused me into the bedroom and they said, "Don't you have any sense? Don't you know that your mother is a money lender? She will steal all her money. Common take her away". 

I then went and brought a very fat lady because l love fat ladies. But she was too fat! She has to be assisted by some of our neighbours before she could be forced through the door into the sitting room. She was offered a chair to sit on. But immediately she sat on the chair, it breaks! She sat on another chair but the same thing happened and she finally broke all the chairs in the sitting room. My mother then told her to sit on the bed. 

The bed breaks immediately and she fell to the ground. She couldn't stand up herself. We have to call six of our neighbours to come and help us to pull her up on her feet.

My parents immediately took me into the bedroom and they gave me the sum of N3000 and they said to me, "Take this money and go to the market and tell them to sell N3000 sense for you. If they say that they don't have the sense of N3000, then come back so that we would add more money for you to buy it because you need sense badly and it is only in the market that you can get it to buy. Idiot of no size". 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOO?

THE BEAUTY OF CREATNG A MONSTER IS THAT ONE DAY IT WILL TURNS TO YOU ITS CREATOR AND DESTROYS YOU!

JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE!

Many years back l bought a beautiful female dog. I was really fond of it. Now there was this man called 'Rodji'. When he saw that l bought a female dog, he then bought a male dog. Although we lived far from each other. The male dog began to come to my compound to mate with my female dog. I didn't do anything because l know that if it eventually becomes pregnant and delivered, the puppies will be for me.

Truly, it became pregnant and delivered twelve puppies!

When they were six months old, l began to sell them, each for thirty thousand naira! One day, Mr Rodji, the owner of the male dog came to me and he demanded that since it was his male dog that mates with my dog, means that the puppies belong to both of us. He demanded that we share them equally. I told him that l can't give him any of the puppies because l didn't ask his male dog to mate with my female dog. 

He argued that my dog and his dog were husband and wife. I asked him if he paid any bride price to me for the marriage. But he said that he doesn't need to pay a bride price on an animal. I told him that since no bride price was paid means that the owner of the female is totally the owner of the puppies. That is whatever thing that comes from the female belongs to its owner. He then left.

One day, l was walking along a busy street when a lady came to me. She said that l should try my best to have a baby boy within two years. That my destiny says any baby l have from now till two years time will definitely becomes a President of my country in the nearest future. That it had been destined so. I became very excited but then l had no girlfriend. 

On my way home, my mind was full of thoughts! I believed in prophecies and so l pray that it should come to a fulfillment. The next day, l was on my way from work when a pretty looking busty lady called to me to help her to lift a basin of water on her head. The lady was down to earth. I fell in love with her immediately. I asked her if she has a phone and she said no but that she can give her friend's phone number to me so that any time that l want to speak with her, l should call the number and her friend will contact her.

That was her l began to contact her and she eventually became my girlfriend! After about a year, she became pregnant. My joy knew no bound! Yes, very soon that prophesy will come to pass! I am going to be a father of a future President. Nothing could be better than that. Because of the euphoria, l always dance all alone in my room.

Then the lady put to birth, a bouncing baby boy! Can a prophesy be more accurate than this? Definitely not! I usually contact the lady and transfer money to her. I ask her daily about the baby's welfare. I told her that l will like to see her parents but she told me that l should wait until  the baby would be a month old. I told all my friends about everything and they were all very happy.

When it was a month, l asked her if l can come. She agreed. Then one Saturday, my family members and l took drinks and we went there because the lady had given me  the address. To my utmost surprised, her father was no other person but Mr Rodji. I was downcast. It was like the ground should split apart so that l can enter into it to hide. After the usual greetings, l stood up and told him our reason of coming; that l was the one who impregnated his daughter which means the baby was mine.

When l finished speaking, he stood up and roared with laughter: Ha! Ha! Ha! Hi! Hi! Hi! Ho! Ho! Ho! And he said to me, "Young man, did you pay a bride price on her as your wife?" And l said, "No" He went on, "Well, you know that since  no bride price was paid means that the baby belongs to the owner of the female which is l, her father". 

And he reminded me my words between us during the two dogs' issue. I argued that there is different between a human being and an animal. He said emphatically, that the baby belongs to him being the owner of the female who gave birth to the baby. After much argument, we left angrily. I was boiling with anger because my dream of becoming the father of a future president was slipping out of my hand and l will never allow it.

A friend of mine contacted his lawyer for me and about two weeks later, l took six policemen and the lawyer and we went to his place. It is either he accepts my request or l will get him arrested and charge the matter to court. But on getting there, the rooms were wide opened and nobody in side. I asked some of the neighbours there and they said that they packed out about a week ago. I asked them if they have any idea of where they packed to. And they said that Mr Rodji just told them that he was tired of the country and so, he was travelling abroad and may not come to Nigeria again!

I collapsed and fainted. When l regained consciousness l looked up and down and l shouted: 

I GO DIE OOOOO!