IGNORANCE DON BORN PIKIN FOR MY BODY.

NA ME UNA OGBONGE GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

My mother deals on freshwater fish trade. She trades on all kinds of fishes.

One day, my mother asked me to boil water and prepare garri, cassava flex. Immediately she left, there was power outage! There was no gas! And l remembered that among the fishes that she had in a big drum, were electric fish! 

I got four of the electric fish into a basin. I then put the boiling ring into a jug with water and put the plug into the basin with the electric fish inside. I believed that within five minutes, the water will be fully boiled because of the numbers of the electric fish in the basin.

But to my own chagrin, after about an hour, the water didn't boil! Infact it was even colder then the nose of a dog during the dry season!  Now my people, don't you think that those who named that fish electric fish made a little error? 

It was the chief priest of my village who told me that the only place where the electric fish electricity could be useful for both cooking, ironing and watching of television and every other things is under the water in the marine kingdom!

He said that if l want to enjoy the electric fish, electricity just like our normal electricity, then he has to possess me with the spirit of the marine kingdom.

Na there l shout say l go die OOOO?

YOU CAN'T FINISHED EATNG YOUR CAKE AND STILL EXPECT TO HAVE IT TO SHARE!

There was this man who was a regular contributor in a certain radio phoning program. He always lambast the various political office holders for abandoning their responsibilities to their subjects. 

One morning he became very angry with the radio program presenter. He told him that the program has no use because all the complaints he has been passing to the relevant authorities in regards to lack of infrastructures and social amenities through the radio program has not been getting to the ears of those concern because they are too busy to listen to radio programs.

He said that the governor can't abandon the people who voted him into power without fulfilling his manifesto which says, "New roads, schools, hospitals, companies, electricity, job creation, free transportation and abundance of food for everyone" 

But the radio anchor person told him that the various political office holders listen to his daily complaints because they are even more closer to the media than the ordinary people. But the man still insisted that they don't listen to the media hence they haven't reacted to his complaints.

The program anchor person then told him that if he doubts that they don't listen to the media or all that he has been saying, he should insult or say anything bad about them. He then said. "You Mr governor and your cabinet members are failure, thieves, public funds looters and devil incarnated and  irresponsible liars"

He then paid for thirty minutes broadcast the next day so that he can have enough time to insults the various political office holders. 

The next morning, the radio presenter waited for him to come and say whatever thing he wanted to say.  But he didn't come to the studio. After about an hour, the radio program presenter called his lines. But all were switched off.The next morning, the radio presenter went to town to search for him. Luckily, he got to his house. But he was told that the day he insulted the authorities on the radio program, he returned home only for him to meet some armed men who covered their faces with masks and they bounded him into a car and took him away.

They then searched all the police stations but they didn't see him. A month later he was brought to court by the authorities who charged him with hate speech and media bullying. But he protested to the governor saying that he was the one who supposed to be angry with the governor who after winning the election abandoned the people who voted for him. He said that he has complained countless number of times but nobody listen to him.

And the governor said that he heard all his complaints but he didn't answer him because he was a fool to have complained about lack of infrastructure and social amenities.

He said, "Why are you complaining about none provision of amenities? During my campaign, have you forgotten that l brought a lorry loaded with bags of rice to your community? I gave the elders, women and the youths the sum of two hundred million naira? And on election day, each voter was given N10000.  

From what l just said showed that l bought the governorship with my money and not by your votes. Had it been that l didn't give you all these bribes, then you would have the right to challenge me. The money that l could have used to provide the amenities have been given to you as bribes and vote buying. The only way for you as a people to have the right to demand for development is when you elect someone without taking anything from him or her.

You have eaten your cake and so don't expect to still have it".

A WORD IS ENOUGH FOR THE FOOL BECAUSE HE OR SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND MANY!

LONG THROAT DON MAKE ME JOIN POLICE COME ENTER TROUBLE OOOO!

NA STILL ME UNA USUAL GUY MAN JACK OF ALL TRADES,: MASTER OF NONE!

I just wrote my senior secondary school certificate examination when a friend told me that the police force was looking for a vibrant and fearless applicant to be recruited into the force solely to help them arrest a certain hardened criminal who had been giving them tough time.

They had placed a bounty on his head for any police who can arrest him dead or alive! The price was a brand new car and a house in the capital of the country including travelling to any country of your choice. O boy! When l learnt about the offer, l became infested with joy.

Without wasting time, l applied. I was sent to training for six months. I passed out and l was deployed to the area where the most wanted criminal was believed to be hiding. That afternoon, l was armed with A-K-47 rifle and a handcuffs and l went to search for the guy. My sole aim was the offer not the criminal.

After about four days of an ambushed, l caught him. The guy really looks dreadful. He can kill anyone in a minute! 

When he saw me with the uniform and the rifle, he asked me what was l a policeman doing in his territory. I told him that his time was up. He asked me what on earth prompted me to dare to come for his arrest. I told him the offer attached. 

He then told me that he would allow me to arrest him and take him to the police station if only I will play along with him and not by force. I told him that l was ready to cooperate with him provided he was willing to follow me.

He asked me to give him the police uniform so that he can put it on and also for him to hold my rifle and handcuffs me. I agreed provided he follows me. We then went to the police station with him putting on my uniform and holding my rifle and putting handcuffs on my hands.

As we got to the police station, he salutes the DPO and said that he had arrested and brought the most wanted criminal, pointing to me. The DPO asked him to lock me up in the cell and he should come to collect the offer. In no time, he was given a brand new car and as he was about to be driven to the Federal capital for his mansion, l shouted from the cell to the DPO that l was actually the policeman who went for the arrest and that he was the criminal. But the DPO asked me to tell that to the birds. He said that the blood of all the policemen and the civilians that l have killed, he will makes sure l face the firing squad!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!

ILLITERACY DON PUT ME TO OVER CURE!

NA ME UNA BRO, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

My people, in those days in our community, there were no educated people. It was the era of letter writing. When you received a letter, then you take it to either a primary school for a teacher to read it and explain the content to you or you take it to a chemist shop for it to be red to you.

One day, l received a letter. Since l can't read, l took it to our village primary school for a teacher to read it to me.

After the teacher had gone through it, he brought out seven long canes. He asked me to lie on a bench. He then flogged me on my bottoms twenty four strokes in the full views of all the villagers

It was so agonizing and embarrassing!

I couldn't say anything or challenged him because teachers were regarded and treated with the greatest respect.

I then took it to a chemist shop. The man looked at it for a few minutes and he brought two bottles of syrup and seven different brand of tablets. He asked me to drink the two syrup bottles immediately and in an hour later, l should take all the tablets at once. I did and immediately, l collapsed. I remained unconscious for eleven good days. 

Thanks to traditional concoctions which resurrected me back to life. The traditional ruler of our community summoned both the teacher and the chemist shop owner. They brought the letter to the headmaster who red it out openly. It was from my uncle who was a doctor. It reads: My son, l learnt from your father that within twenty four hours, you eat different juicy fruits including sugarcane. it is not good, stop it.You are to take drugs to flush out the excessive sugar in your system. Yours sincerely uncle Patrick.

The teacher said that the reason why he flogged me was that once a letter is brought by any student means his or her parents want such a child to be flogged; especially when he saw the words such as twenty four and sugarcane.

The chemist shop owner said that he gave me the drugs because he saw words like different and drugs in the letter so he thought l need different drugs.

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO! Z

THIS CULTURE DON DISGRACED ME OOO!

NA ME UNA USUAL GUY MAN, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

My people, in my community, the culture stipulated that as a son, any male of your age mate must not insult your mother and go scot free. When your mother is insulted by any male, then you her son would avenge the insult by beating that man to a stupor.

Right from my childhood, l was never a violent person. l am always afraid of trouble because l don't know how to fight and so l always pray that no young man should insults my mother. But it did happen! One day, my mother returned from market in a bad mood! She narrated how she had a misunderstanding with another trader over some amount of money and the woman's son insulted her with all sorts of abusive words.

When l heard it, my body began to tremble because the most fearful thing of my life is about to happen to me! Nevertheless, l must prove to the community that l am a legal biological son of my mother and not an outcast!

With my body shivering, l went to confront the guy.

Immediately, l saw the guy, l almost urinate on my body. His eyes and face were black! He looks dreadful!

Immediately he saw me coming, he knew that l was coming to confront him. O boy, the first slap he gave me was so loud and hard. Many people ran out of their houses to see what was happening. The slap immediately followed by several heavy blows which sent me crashing to the ground. He then sat on me. It took the efforts of not less than six men to pull him off me!

This means that a special day will be arranged by the community for us to sluggish it out. On this special day, if l couldn't defeat him, then l will live in shame for the rest of my life. I can no longer talk in where my mates are!

Based on this, l decided to seek the help of a herbalist. After we had discussed, he assured me that early morning on the day of the fight, l should come to meet him..

Very early in the morning on the day of the fight, l was in the herbalist's shrine. He bathed me with a certain concoction. Immediately l became huge and muscular! 

From my size, no human being on earth could ever come closer to me let alone to challenge me to a fight. But he warned me that l must avoid every sound especially that of a car horn!  Since it was very early in the morning, l believed l can get to the venue which was our village primary school field before drivers will be on the road!

I boarded a taxi happily. But just about a pole to where l will stop, we met cows crossing the road. They were so many. A car was coming from the opposite direction. The driver became impatient! And there goes his car horn repeatedly: PON! PON! PON! PEE!PEE! PEEEEE-EEEEEEE!!!

And as the horn bips continuously, l began to diminish with each passing second! I saw myself reducing in size! I became as small as a rabbit! The driver became afraid and he pushed me down.

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!