THIS CULTURE DON DISGRACED ME OOO!

NA ME UNA USUAL GUY MAN, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

My people, in my community, the culture stipulated that as a son, any male of your age mate must not insult your mother and go scot free. When your mother is insulted by any male, then you her son would avenge the insult by beating that man to a stupor.

Right from my childhood, l was never a violent person. l am always afraid of trouble because l don't know how to fight and so l always pray that no young man should insults my mother. But it did happen! One day, my mother returned from market in a bad mood! She narrated how she had a misunderstanding with another trader over some amount of money and the woman's son insulted her with all sorts of abusive words.

When l heard it, my body began to tremble because the most fearful thing of my life is about to happen to me! Nevertheless, l must prove to the community that l am a legal biological son of my mother and not an outcast!

With my body shivering, l went to confront the guy.

Immediately, l saw the guy, l almost urinate on my body. His eyes and face were black! He looks dreadful!

Immediately he saw me coming, he knew that l was coming to confront him. O boy, the first slap he gave me was so loud and hard. Many people ran out of their houses to see what was happening. The slap immediately followed by several heavy blows which sent me crashing to the ground. He then sat on me. It took the efforts of not less than six men to pull him off me!

This means that a special day will be arranged by the community for us to sluggish it out. On this special day, if l couldn't defeat him, then l will live in shame for the rest of my life. I can no longer talk in where my mates are!

Based on this, l decided to seek the help of a herbalist. After we had discussed, he assured me that early morning on the day of the fight, l should come to meet him..

Very early in the morning on the day of the fight, l was in the herbalist's shrine. He bathed me with a certain concoction. Immediately l became huge and muscular! 

From my size, no human being on earth could ever come closer to me let alone to challenge me to a fight. But he warned me that l must avoid every sound especially that of a car horn!  Since it was very early in the morning, l believed l can get to the venue which was our village primary school field before drivers will be on the road!

I boarded a taxi happily. But just about a pole to where l will stop, we met cows crossing the road. They were so many. A car was coming from the opposite direction. The driver became impatient! And there goes his car horn repeatedly: PON! PON! PON! PEE!PEE! PEEEEE-EEEEEEE!!!

And as the horn bips continuously, l began to diminish with each passing second! I saw myself reducing in size! I became as small as a rabbit! The driver became afraid and he pushed me down.

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!

MY EYES DON PUT ME FOR TROUBLE OOO!

Na me una indefatigable Jack of all trades; master of none! 

I was on my way home from work when l saw a beautiful looking lady sitting down along the road crying. Her clothes were torn thereby exposing her breasts and laps. It looked like she was beaten up by someone. She was so pretty looking and so l decided to fill my eyes after all, l was a bachelor. This will at least calm down my libido.

A man walked to the spot and asked me what happened to her. I told him that l don't know. He told me that it was not a good behaviour for me to be looking at her body. He told me to go away from there immediately. But l told him to tell that to the birds of the air.

Another man came and told me to go away from there but l also told him to tell that to the birds. And l shouted at him, "Is it your eyes that l use to look at her? Busy body, won't you mind your business?".

Five minutes later, two vans loaded with soldiers arrived at the scene. And an army lieutenant came down from one of the vans. He ran down to the woman and lifted her up saying, "Darling, who the hell that did this to you? I was in the office when l received your distress call that some miscreants attacked you and dispossessed you of your phone. Now where the hell are they?" 

And she pointed at me and said, "Look at one of them there standing.The others had fled away. He is their leader".

Immediately they pounced on me like a helpless antelope being strangulated by a pride of lions! 

I shouted to the woman saying, "Madam, please fear God OOOO! Say the truth. Did l do anything to you?"

And she shouted at me saying, "Shut up your stinking mouth. You are their leader!"

As l protested to them that l was innocent, they asked me to tell that to the birds. They said that l will buy a new phone for her, pay her hospital bill and pay back every money stolen from her and thereafter, l will take them to the houses of all my gang members so that they will arrest them or else, immediate firing squad!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!

A EUROPEAN VERSUS AN AFRICAN.

Once upon a time a European man was involved in a heated argument with an African man about who is more technologically advanced. The following ensued between them.

EUROPEAN MAN: You Africans have done nothing. We invented aircraft.

AFRICAN MAN: We invented witchcraft.

You can fly and we can fly.

NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION!

Na me una usual guy man, Jack of all trades; master of none!

My people, to get job nor dey easy O!

That was why l decided to establish my own workshop where l can be repairing electronics. I wrote a big signpost at the front. I also gathered faulty electronic panels as a sign that faulty electronics can be repaired there.

The first day that l started, a certain huge looking man brought his television set for me to repair. I billed him N30,000 which he paid without delay. I set to the business of the day. Within twenty minutes, l dismantled the television set. I then used spirit to clean the panel and l covered it back.

Trouble shooting!  After l covered it, there were eight screws left on the floor. I didn't know where they fell out from or where to fix them in. The owner soon came and carried it away after thanking me. I didn't tell him about the screws. An hour later, he returned it to me with great anger. Six broad chested guys also accompanied him down. He asked me what happened to his television set.

I told him everything that happened. I also gave him the eight left over screws. He ordered the men to tie me down. They them shaved off my hairs! The skin of my head was shinning and sparkling after he rubbed it with pomade.

They then brought cable wires and an antenna and they connected the cable wires and the antenna to my shining skull and fixed a battery to it.O boy! Come and see as my head began to show pictures and photographs like the real television set. They first tuned to African magic,then to other channels.

And the man said, "Since, you spoilt my television set, it is this your head that we are going to be using as television set. We are taking you home now so that my children can be watching movies from you, our newly invented television set". 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!

MY MOUTH DON PUT ME FOR TROUBLE OOO!

Na me, Una guy man, Jack of all trades, master of none!

There was this lecturer who employed me as a gardener in his private residence. After, about two weeks of working, l made friend with his daughter, Esther. When he discovered that we were always together, he bombarded me with grammar that only Google could understands and interprets. Even if a goat was insulted as such, it would be forced to react.

I didn't say anything. I just kept quiet. The next morning, l thought he had gone to work because his car was not in the garage. I then went into their sitting room to meet Esther. I said to her, "This your father whose head looks like that of a vulture has not seen anything yet. How dared him to have used such abusive grammar on me?

I will poison all the crops in the garden to death if you failed to befriend me. All the domestic animals will be killed. Thereafter, l will take you to one of these African counties and before we would come back, we would have had at least five kids"

Not knowing that father and daughter had planned to deal with me and give me the type of punishment that l will live to remember. Suddenly, the father emerged from under the bed with a cutlass and a long whip!

As l tried to bolt away, Esther then said, "Mr lover boy, don't even try that because l have locked the door and gave my father the key. You are as good as a dead rat" I received four whips on my back. It was quickly followed by the cutlass which he used to hit me on the back. I fell to the floor.

And the father said, "I love your outburst. For all that you have said, I'm afraid, l have to call the police to take you for questioning. You are planning to poison all my animals and crops,  kidnap and rape my daughter. I teach law in the university. Each of the two alleged offences carries either life imprisonment or death sentence".

In twinkle of an eye, he had phoned the police. As the police were about to drag me away, I called Esther to help me beg her father. But she told me that her father was even lenient with me because if it were to be her, it will be an instant beheading or jungle justice".

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOO!