THOSE DESTINED TO CAPTIVE, CAPTIVITIES WILL THEY GO!

This is your guy, Jack of all trades, master of none!

My people, after leaving the school, six of us who were good friends began to search for greener pastures. Our main goal was to travel abroad! About two years later, we all parted ways. Five years later, l saw one of my former friends living in luxury in a very comfortable and expensive mansion! I was shocked. After the normal greetings, l asked about the others. He told me that the others were in abroad doing very well also.

I asked him what actually happened and he told me that there was a certain foreign lady in her late 60s who was desperately looking for a husband. He said that the lady was ready to sponsor any guy who agreed to marry her to America. He said that she was the one who sponsored all of them abroad after they promised to marry her.To make sure that they don't disappoint her, she made them to swear to an oath.

He told me that they just swear by their life and she truly believed them. But after getting there, they got married to other pretty looking young ladies of their choices and dumped her. They used her as a ladder to climbed and later dumped her. As a young man, l knew that she can no longer give birth and l wanted to have a family with kids. Marrying that old lady will gives me money but no children. I decided to also use her to climb to my riches like my friends had done and later dump her. 

My friend then introduced me to her. After we had discussed, she told me that l will be her last bus stop!

I just looked at her and smiled inwardly. By now, she was about sixty five years of age! She told me that she was ready to make me get the best work in the U.S. with a salary of about ten million dollars weekly! But before then, we have to swear to an oath that l must marry her and will never disappoint her.

I told her that l was ready to swear to an oath not to disappoint her. She said that the six young guys that she had so far helped disappointed her despite the oath hence she decided to change the oath to reflect the African tradition because we are Africans.

My people, all of a sudden, she brought Ogun, the god of iron, sango, the god of thunder, Ayilala deity, Amadioha deity, Olokun, the goddesses of water and worse of it all,  Ogumatara the anti lying and disappointment god. It strikes liars and scammers with stroke and blindness within a day. And she said, "Young man, your fellow country men had disappointed me all this while and because of that l am not taking chances. 

All the deities, gods and goddesses of Africa are here as witnesses. They are ready to deal with you if you disappoint me. They are your deities and l believed you are aware of their brutality more than l do. You are my last bus stop and l can't afford to loose you or allow you to slip out of my fingers".

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO FAINT OOOOOO!

THE STONE THAT THE BUILDERS REJECTED!

One day, l was on my way to the hospital because l was a bit feverish when l became extremely pressed. The environment was tide and l have to urinate in the open gutter. As l brought out my 'fine boy' to discharge the water, a porch looking lady walked past me. She took a look at my 'fine boy' and smiled. I quickly drew my trousers up.

I was really embarrassed and resented by her action being a female. And l shouted at her, "Come madam, what are you looking and smiling at? Don't you have respect for people's privacy? What do you want to see?"

And she said to me, "What do you have there that you are hiding? I have seen thousands of them, l mean the ones more better and expensive than yours".

I told her that she might have seen billions but definitely not mine! And she can't see mine even for her remain wayward life. 

And she said, "Look here young man, if l really want to see it, l can see it over and over again".

I said to her that if she sees my "fine boy", l will also definitely see her "beautiful girl". She then walked away.

I went to one of my friends' house and spent an hour there before l proceeded to the hospital. I took a card and met with the doctor. He told me to wait at the treatment room, that the head of the nurses would come to attend to me.

About fifteen minutes later, a nurse came with her uniform on. She asked me to enter into the room and lie on the bed. As she got closer to me, l recognized that she was no other person but the same lady whom l had an altercation with along the road about two hours ago!

She asked me to take off all my clothes and lie on the bed! I did with my two eyes closed.

She told me to face up and spread my two legs wide open! She just stood there looking at my 'fine boy'. When l opened my eyes, l found out that she was just gazing at my nude. I asked her angrily what was she waiting for before she would administer the injection on me.

She then gave me some drugs to be taken daily for a week! She then asked me to remain naked and face up with my two legs wide spread out for more five minutes. As she asked me to put on my clothes and go home, l asked her if l will come again. She said no. As l was about to go out of the hospital, she said,  "Mr hidder, as you can see, l have seen more than enough of that so precious pride of yours. Goodbye".  I then asked her why did she told me to strip myself naked when it was not necessary. She shouted at me to shut up and go home!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOO!

UNEASY LIES THE HEAD THAT WEARS SUFFER!

My unrelenting admirers we are up to the task!

The task of entertaining you! 

Always follow us to anywhere we go!

We love you!

I worked as a lorry driver for years. Because our roads were full of potholes and gallops coupled with armed robbers, l got a charm of disappearance from a herbalist. The work of the charm is that, whenever your vehicle mistakenly enters into a pothole or involves in an accident with a bang, the charm will makes you disappear and you would find yourself sitting down comfortably in your room. Also, if there is any gunshot, you will disappear and reappear in your sitting room. So, in other words, it protects against accident and gunshot!  I later stopped the driving of lorry and l decided to travel abroad for greener pastures!

My people, for years l tried to travel to America, God's own country but all my efforts proved futile. I like to leave all the village rats, cats, dogs, goats, wall geckos and their witchcraft activities behind. After my fifth attempt to travel failed, l decided to do a thorough homework so that l won't fail for the sixth time.

Luckily for me, the sixth time, everything worked out  successfully! My international passport and Visa were in order. I quickly booked a flight. As l left the village, l said to those dogs, cats, rats, mosquitoes, goats and wallgeckos, "Witches and wizards, your evil can't stops me this time around men! Die men, all you workers of iniquities! I'm off to God's own country! You all gaddem bullshit men!"

I boarded a flight and l arrived the U.S. It was a memorable achievement! I was well received by my fellow country men and women. There was a mini party for my arrival. At this party due to the euphoria, a guy brought out his revolver pistol and he fired two shots into the air closer to where l was sitting. Immediately, l found my self back in the village sitting down in my room with all the rats, dogs, cats, mosquitoes and goats looking at me smiling!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO!!!

TROUBLE DON GO TIE BULUKU FOR WHERE YANGA DEY SLEEP O!

There was this friend of mine. For years, we didn't see each other. One day, on my way from a party we met! It was a memorable meeting! He was driving a new Prado Jeep with four pretty looking ladies in the car. We exchanged phone numbers.

Two days time, he asked me to meet him at a popular restaurant. I was there in no time. He told the Waiter to take my order. I ordered food and beer amounting N7000. When he saw the food, he asked the waiter how much food and he told him, N7000. And he said to me, "Dav, are you here to insult me? How dare you ordered N7000 food for me to pay? When l say you should order for food, l mean your favourite. That is banga soup with well cooked and spiced fresh cat fish or mudfish with starch not less than N30,000! 

N7000 food should be for a beggar not for you my bosom friend!" I begged him to let me be. He said that after the meal, I should meet him in room 19. After eating, l went to meet him. On getting into the room, he was with about five pretty looking ladies in nude massaging him. I was aghast!

He asked for my account number and l quickly gave it to him. He transferred the sum of fifty thousand naira into my account! A week later, l met him and l begged him not to give me fish any longer but rather to teach me how to fish myself.

He told me that he doesn't do any job. Only what he does is just to enjoy himself by eating, driving and making love to any lady he loves. I asked him the secret of his prosperity. He told me that he was as poor as a church rat or rather as the naked eyes which have no money to buy pant to put on, hence they called them, "NAKED EYES".

He said that one day he was walking through a very busy street with a lot of shops when he became extremely pressed! There was no hidden place for him to go into and urinate and so, instead of him to urinate on his body, he threw shyness to the wind. He unzipped his trousers and brought out his cock publicly and he urinated into the open gutter with dozens of ladies looking at him.

He said that two days time, he passed through that route again but this time, ladies flocked round him from all sides. They just asked him to give them his phone number. They started to call him telling him that the day he urinated publicly on the gutter, they saw his instrument and they would like to taste it because they love it!

He said that they started to come to his house with food, money, clothes and even cars!

After l listen to him, l wasted no time. Off my street, is one of such busy roads with a lot of females shops. I went there and l got to a particular spot with a lot of females standing outside their shops. I unzipped my trousers and bring out my cock and l began to urinate into the open gutter!

I hardly finished, when some military officers came out of one of the shops and they asked me to take off my clothes and start to do frog jump. They flogged me for hours till there was hardly any skin left on my body. They then ordered me to walk to the barracks nakedly and they will be following me behind in motorcycles. Come and see the crowd of people looking at my nakedness! 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOO!

KISSILOGY & TOUCHLOGY DON BACKFIRED O!

My people, as a young school leaver, many of my friends and l had no jobs. To feed became a great challenge to us. Everyone began to search for something to do. One of our friends, travelled to the Niger Delta areas of Nigeria. Within a week, he returned with a lot of money and beverages. We were amazed! 

He then told us that a guy took him to a certain business in one of the wharfs where cargo ships belt! The business was code named "PB, TB & KM," respectively. Now, 'PB' means, pressing breasts, 'TB, means, touching buttocks & 'KM, means, kissing mouth'.

He said that a lot of foreigners usually follow the ships down and since the sea was very cold, they always look out for free ladies to hang up with. He further said that you don't actually need to be a lady before you can take part in the business; that is, you can disguise as a female to deceive them. All you need do is to tie "Araramen coconut to each of your breasts and tie two soft pillows to your buttocks to bring them out like that of a female and then put on earnings and put on makeups!

Trust me, my guys! I wasted no time, l got ready and we went to Onne Wharfs in PortHarcourt, Nigeria! I, as a new person, l remained outside the gate. Then, my guy entered looking sexy! I also dressed to kill! 

Soon, a huge looking man with bulging muscles came and said to my guy, "Hello babe, are you ready for me tonight? I am starving men! I gonna spoilt you with dollars provided you make me happy men!" Three guys then joined him and they said to my guy, "Babe! You are dam hot! You are sexy men! The man started with "TB" but as the romancing got hotter, the soft araramen coconuts fell off to the ground. The game was up!

Soon, they discovered that he was a male and not a female. They stripped him naked with heavy blows which the greatest heavy weight boxer on earth would be afraid of. As the beating continued, he told them that he was not alone that the person standing at the gate was his partner in crime pointing towards me.

Immediately, l heard, "Look at the other one at the gate, get him!" My guys, l immediately, pulled off my artificial breasts, wigs, earnings and buttocks! I begged my God to give me a speed that both the wind, the lightning flash and cheetahs could never get anywhere closer to.

As they chased after me, l shouted to them saying, "No how powerful the wind may blow, it can never controls the eagle! Back tyre can never overtakes the front one! The world is like a ball, but no footballer can plays it! The oil always stays on top of the water!  

My guy, as l was about to get to Bayelsa state, come and see police roadblocks ahead of me and closely behind me were my pursuers!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO!