WHEN MY BEST CHOICE OF WIFE BECOMES A TABOO!

MY PEOPLE, IT IS ME YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES;  MASTER OF NONE!

As a young man, my mother told me to get married in time so that she will carry her grandchildren when she was still alive. But my choice of wife was a female footballer! And not too long, l got a female footballer. I immediately took her to see my parents. As we sat down, my father said to her, "young man, drinks, kola nuts and money are on the table for your entertainment". I quickly correct my father saying, " Dad, she is a female not a male". 

Ten minutes later, my parents excused me into the room and said, "Don't you have any sense? What is this thing that you brought to us? No breasts, no buttocks. How are you sure if there is a hole between her thighs? Common take this thing away".

I then brought a police lady and introduced her to my parents. They then excused me into the bedroom said to me, " Don't you have any sense? Don't you know that our business is India hemp farming? And she would in no time arrest us? Common, take her away”. 

I then brought another lady but this time, a thief. After l have introduced her to my parents, they excused me into the bedroom and they said, "Don't you have any sense? Don't you know that your mother is a money lender? She will steal all her money. Common take her away". 

I then went and brought a very fat lady because l love fat ladies. But she was too fat! She has to be assisted by some of our neighbours before she could be forced through the door into the sitting room. She was offered a chair to sit on. But immediately she sat on the chair, it breaks! She sat on another chair but the same thing happened and she finally broke all the chairs in the sitting room. My mother then told her to sit on the bed. 

The bed breaks immediately and she fell to the ground. She couldn't stand up herself. We have to call six of our neighbours to come and help us to pull her up on her feet.

My parents immediately took me into the bedroom and they gave me the sum of N3000 and they said to me, "Take this money and go to the market and tell them to sell N3000 sense for you. If they say that they don't have the sense of N3000, then come back so that we would add more money for you to buy it because you need sense badly and it is only in the market that you can get it to buy. Idiot of no size". 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOO?

THE BEAUTY OF CREATNG A MONSTER IS THAT ONE DAY IT WILL TURNS TO YOU ITS CREATOR AND DESTROYS YOU!

JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NONE!

Many years back l bought a beautiful female dog. I was really fond of it. Now there was this man called 'Rodji'. When he saw that l bought a female dog, he then bought a male dog. Although we lived far from each other. The male dog began to come to my compound to mate with my female dog. I didn't do anything because l know that if it eventually becomes pregnant and delivered, the puppies will be for me.

Truly, it became pregnant and delivered twelve puppies!

When they were six months old, l began to sell them, each for thirty thousand naira! One day, Mr Rodji, the owner of the male dog came to me and he demanded that since it was his male dog that mates with my dog, means that the puppies belong to both of us. He demanded that we share them equally. I told him that l can't give him any of the puppies because l didn't ask his male dog to mate with my female dog. 

He argued that my dog and his dog were husband and wife. I asked him if he paid any bride price to me for the marriage. But he said that he doesn't need to pay a bride price on an animal. I told him that since no bride price was paid means that the owner of the female is totally the owner of the puppies. That is whatever thing that comes from the female belongs to its owner. He then left.

One day, l was walking along a busy street when a lady came to me. She said that l should try my best to have a baby boy within two years. That my destiny says any baby l have from now till two years time will definitely becomes a President of my country in the nearest future. That it had been destined so. I became very excited but then l had no girlfriend. 

On my way home, my mind was full of thoughts! I believed in prophecies and so l pray that it should come to a fulfillment. The next day, l was on my way from work when a pretty looking busty lady called to me to help her to lift a basin of water on her head. The lady was down to earth. I fell in love with her immediately. I asked her if she has a phone and she said no but that she can give her friend's phone number to me so that any time that l want to speak with her, l should call the number and her friend will contact her.

That was her l began to contact her and she eventually became my girlfriend! After about a year, she became pregnant. My joy knew no bound! Yes, very soon that prophesy will come to pass! I am going to be a father of a future President. Nothing could be better than that. Because of the euphoria, l always dance all alone in my room.

Then the lady put to birth, a bouncing baby boy! Can a prophesy be more accurate than this? Definitely not! I usually contact the lady and transfer money to her. I ask her daily about the baby's welfare. I told her that l will like to see her parents but she told me that l should wait until  the baby would be a month old. I told all my friends about everything and they were all very happy.

When it was a month, l asked her if l can come. She agreed. Then one Saturday, my family members and l took drinks and we went there because the lady had given me  the address. To my utmost surprised, her father was no other person but Mr Rodji. I was downcast. It was like the ground should split apart so that l can enter into it to hide. After the usual greetings, l stood up and told him our reason of coming; that l was the one who impregnated his daughter which means the baby was mine.

When l finished speaking, he stood up and roared with laughter: Ha! Ha! Ha! Hi! Hi! Hi! Ho! Ho! Ho! And he said to me, "Young man, did you pay a bride price on her as your wife?" And l said, "No" He went on, "Well, you know that since  no bride price was paid means that the baby belongs to the owner of the female which is l, her father". 

And he reminded me my words between us during the two dogs' issue. I argued that there is different between a human being and an animal. He said emphatically, that the baby belongs to him being the owner of the female who gave birth to the baby. After much argument, we left angrily. I was boiling with anger because my dream of becoming the father of a future president was slipping out of my hand and l will never allow it.

A friend of mine contacted his lawyer for me and about two weeks later, l took six policemen and the lawyer and we went to his place. It is either he accepts my request or l will get him arrested and charge the matter to court. But on getting there, the rooms were wide opened and nobody in side. I asked some of the neighbours there and they said that they packed out about a week ago. I asked them if they have any idea of where they packed to. And they said that Mr Rodji just told them that he was tired of the country and so, he was travelling abroad and may not come to Nigeria again!

I collapsed and fainted. When l regained consciousness l looked up and down and l shouted: 

I GO DIE OOOOO!

THOSE DESTINED TO CAPTIVE, CAPTIVITY WILL THEY GO!

This is your guy, Jack of all trades, master of none!

My people, after we had completed our schooling, six of us who were good friends began to search for greener pastures. Our main goal was to travel abroad! About two years later, we all parted ways. Five years later, l saw one of my former friends living in luxury in a very comfortable and expensive mansion! I was shocked. After the normal greetings, l asked about the others. He told me that the others were in abroad doing very well also.

I asked him what actually happened and he told me that there was a certain foreign lady in her late 60s who was desperately looking for a husband. He said that the lady was ready to sponsor any guy who agreed to marry her to America. He said that she was the one who sponsored all of them abroad after they promised to marry her.To make sure that they don't disappoint her, she made them to swear to an oath.

He told me that they just swear by their life and she truly believed them. But after getting there, they got married to other pretty looking young ladies of their choices and dumped her. They used her as a ladder to climbed and later dumped her. As a young man, l knew that she can no longer give birth and l wanted to have a family with kids. Marrying that old lady will gives me money but no children. I decided to also use her to climb to my riches like my friends had done and later dump her. 

My friend then introduced me to her. After we had discussed, she told me that l will be her last bus stop!

I just looked at her and smiled inwardly. By now, she was about sixty five years of age! She told me that she was ready to make me get the best work in the U.S. with a salary of about ten million dollars weekly! But before then, we have to swear to an oath that l must marry her and will never disappoint her.

I told her that l was ready to swear to an oath not to disappoint her. She said that the six young guys that she had so far helped disappointed her despite the oath hence she decided to change the oath to reflect the African tradition because we are Africans.

My people, all of a sudden, she brought Ogun, the god of iron, sango, the god of thunder, Ayilala deity, Amadioha deity, Olokun, the goddesses of water and worse of it all,  Ogumatara the anti lying and disappointment god. It strikes liars and scammers with stroke and blindness within a day. And she said, "Young man, your fellow country men had disappointed me all this while and because of that l am not taking chances. 

All the deities, gods and goddesses of Africa are here as witnesses. They are ready to deal with you if you disappoint me. They are your deities and l believed you are aware of their brutality more than l do. You are my last bus stop and l can't afford to loose you or allow you to slip out of my fingers".

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO FAINT OOOOOO!

THE STONE THAT THE BUILDERS REJECTED!

One day, l was on my way to the hospital because l was a bit feverish when l became extremely pressed. The environment was tide and l have to urinate in the open gutter. As l brought out my 'fine boy' to discharge the water, a porch looking lady walked past me. She took a look at my 'fine boy' and smiled. I quickly drew my trousers up.

I was really embarrassed and resented by her action being a female. And l shouted at her, "Come madam, what are you looking and smiling at? Don't you have respect for people's privacy? What do you want to see?"

And she said to me, "What do you have there that you are hiding? I have seen thousands of them, l mean the ones more better and expensive than yours".

I told her that she might have seen billions but definitely not mine! And she can't see mine even for her remain wayward life. 

And she said, "Look here young man, if l really want to see it, l can see it over and over again".

I said to her that if she sees my "fine boy", l will also definitely see her "beautiful girl". She then walked away.

I went to one of my friends' house and spent an hour there before l proceeded to the hospital. I took a card and met with the doctor. He told me to wait at the treatment room, that the head of the nurses would come to attend to me.

About fifteen minutes later, a nurse came with her uniform on. She asked me to enter into the room and lie on the bed. As she got closer to me, l recognized that she was no other person but the same lady whom l had an altercation with along the road about two hours ago!

She asked me to take off all my clothes and lie on the bed! I did with my two eyes closed.

She told me to face up and spread my two legs wide open! She just stood there looking at my 'fine boy'. When l opened my eyes, l found out that she was just gazing at my nude. I asked her angrily what was she waiting for before she would administer the injection on me.

She then gave me some drugs to be taken daily for a week! She then asked me to remain naked and face up with my two legs wide spread out for more five minutes. As she asked me to put on my clothes and go home, l asked her if l will come again. She said no. As l was about to go out of the hospital, she said,  "Mr hidder, as you can see, l have seen more than enough of that so precious pride of yours. Goodbye".  I then asked her why did she told me to strip myself naked when it was not necessary. She shouted at me to shut up and go home!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOO!

UNEASY LIES THE HEAD THAT WEARS SUFFER!

My unrelenting admirers we are up to the task!

The task of entertaining you! 

Always follow us to anywhere we go!

We love you!

I worked as a lorry driver for years. Because our roads were full of potholes and gallops coupled with armed robbers, l got a charm of disappearing from danger from a herbalist. The work of the charm is that, whenever your vehicle mistakenly enters into a pothole or involves in an accident with a bang, the charm will makes you disappear and you would find yourself sitting down comfortably in your room. Also, if there is any gunshot, you will disappear and reappear in your sitting room. So, in other words, it protects against accident and gunshot!  I later stopped the driving of lorry and l decided to travel abroad for greener pastures!

My people, for years l tried to travel to America, God's own country but all my efforts proved futile. I like to leave all the village rats, cats, dogs, goats, wall geckos and their witchcraft activities behind. After my fifth attempt to travel failed, l decided to do a thorough homework so that l won't fail for the sixth time.

Luckily for me, the sixth time, everything worked out  successfully! My international passport and Visa were in order. I quickly booked a flight. As l left the village, l said to those dogs, cats, rats, mosquitoes, goats and wallgeckos, "Witches and wizards, your evil can't stops me this time around men! Die men, all you workers of iniquities! I'm off to God's own country! You all gaddem bullshit men!"

I boarded a flight and l arrived the U.S. It was a memorable achievement! I was well received by my fellow country men and women. There was a mini party for my arrival. At this party due to the euphoria, a guy brought out his revolver pistol and he fired two shots into the air closer to where l was sitting. Immediately, l found my self back in the village sitting down in my room with all the rats, dogs, cats, mosquitoes and goats looking at me smiling!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO!!!