SEE DANGER, SEE LOVE! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

GERIRYA MY LOST GARDEN OF EDEN!

MY LOVELY FRIENDS. IT IS ME, YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

Long ago, l fell in love with a beautiful looking light in complexion and busty northern Nigeria girl, named Gerirya!

Come and see love in Tokyo. It is either Gerirya or no one else! After about two months, she told me that her parents have approved of our marriage eventhough they haven't seen me. It was like Adam was pardoned to return to the Garden of Eden! My joy knew no bound!

Yes, at last this girl will be my wife. Had it been that l have wings, l could have flew to thank God. Then, one Saturday, her parents sent her to fetch me to their house for them to know me and also to arrange for the marriage ceremony.

Immediately, they saw me, they approved the marriage!

They told me that since they have approved it, the rest is for my wife to be to brief me how it will be done. She took me outside and told me that their tradition doesn't demand me to pay money on her as bride price. She told me that she has another suitor, a young man like myself.  

The tradition stipulates that the man and l are going to compete who will really win her love by flogging each other! When l heard these words, l became more happier because when it comes to flogging, l have no rival! When l was a monitor, every pupil fears me. I believed that l will teach this guy an unforgettable lesson of his miserable life, that is if he has any because, how dared him to compete my lovely Geririya with me!

Then came the day of the competition! It was held in an open field with hundreds of spectators watching us. For me, it was a moment of truth and no two ways about it.

This guy was tall and slim. He held a long cane which l later knew to be KPACHA!  They asked me to start. I began to trash him like no man's business! He just stood there looking at me like a fool! 

Suddenly, the game changed! He told me that l was just a small rat. That l should have known that the rat that goes to watch the wrestling of the cats will never gets home to tell the others what he saw. 

I never knew that this guy was a herder! A cattle rearer! Nomadic herdsman! A man that flogs a cow and it cries!

He then said in their style of English language: kai ! Kai ! Walahi Talahi, today, me l don  die pata-pata. I go punishment you. Walahi Talahi! I no get am for sense? You I dey come hear to take am for my WAF, amariya ko? Shege! Danbanza kowe! Dan-iska!

His first flogging was my right ear! It cuts it into two! My eyes rotate round in their sockets 360 degrees Celsius!  I saw stars with different colours! I was forced to shout: My father! My father! Why have thou forsaken me?

It was then it dawn on me that Nazi is far from Nazareth!

How can they brought me into a flogging competition with a man who follows cows in the sahara deserts. A man who cows fear! And Gerirya who was standing close by, beckoned on me to try to win her love! 

And l said to her, "My love! My love! I have flogged pupils in my school days and won, but l am now  facing a cow flogger!  An expert in whipping cows to cry! This battle is beyond me, my love!" 

They brought water and poured on my body! They gave me cow milk called "FURA-DE-NONO" to drink! I soon regained consciousness and we started the final flogging. At the end, l was carried from the north to the south on a stretcher half dead! All my skin was off my body!  

My eyes were swollen like water pot!

My head has several swollen horns like that of a cow!

My parents were surprised to see me. They took me to the hospital but the doctor rejected me, instead referred me to India for a plastic surgery. 

Na there l shout say, "I GO DIE OOOO!

WHAT IS GOOD FOR THE GEESE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER!

IT IS YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE! 

There was this pastor who was posted to a newly established branch of a certain church. He was a young man and also a bachelor. On arrival at his new church, a cook was employed for him. That evening, the cook came to him and the following took place between them:

COOK: Good evening sir, man of God. You are welcome. What do you want to eat so that l will go to the market to buy the ingredients and prepare it for you. I am your cook.

PASTOR: May the Lord bless you, brethren. It's my pleasure having you as my cook. I am pastor Isaiah. What do l call you.

COOK: I am Panhood by name sir.

PASTOR: That name doesn't sound English! It is a local name. I will like to change it to reflect the English language for an easy pronunciation. Henceforth, in the name of the holy spirit, l hereby change this Panhood to Manhood for an easy pronunciation. The diffidence is just the letter P & the letter M, that's all!

Now, listen to me. I don't eat meat or fish. Only what l eat is chickens Gizzards! So whenever you go to the market, buy Gizzards to cook for me.

COOK: Thank you Sir, man of God.

One day, the cook went to the market and he couldn't find Gizzards to buy. He then reason that since he didn't see Gizzard, what else can be similar to Gizzard. And so he asked a certain trader who was an illiterate. Now, she thought he asked about Lizard.  And she went and brought fifteen male Lizards, known as agama lizards and she butchered them and packaged them for the cook and he paid her and then left.

When he got home the pastor went out. He soon came and he said, "Brethren, Manhood, please bring my food. I am very hungry. In a jiffy Manhood served the pastor the food.  The pastor ate the food hungrily. But as he was about to put the Gizzard into his month, he observed that the thing he was holding has legs and hands with red head with combs!

"Holy ghost fire, what is this, what is this brethren Manhood?" He asked in an astonishment.

And Manhood ran down. Seeing the pastor holding the giant red neck agama lizard in his hand, he smiles and said, "Oh, man of God! I couldn't find that your favourite Gizzard in the market today and l was told that this type is bigger and more delicious than that former ones".

PASTOR: Holy Heaven! Lizards? I am finished!  Do you expect me to eat this lizard in place of my normal Gizzards, brethren Manhood?

COOK: Man of God. You are not eating Lizards but Gizzards. Because after buying them, l then changed them from Lizards to Gizzards in the name of the holy spirit just as you did to my name. Just assume that you are eating Gizzards and not lizards. After all, the difference is just the letter L & the lettter G. Just as you changed my name from Panhood to manhood and l didn't complain, l expect that you should not also complain because what is good for the goose is good for the gander!"

N:B. WE SEE OTHER PEOPLES' CHALLENGES AS A MERE CHILD'S PLACE AS FAR IT DOESN'T AFFECT US!

BEST MONITORING SPIRIT!

      JUNIOR AND HIS WOMANIZING FATHER AT IT AGAIN!

This is your guy, Jack of all trades; master of none!

JUNIOR: Dad, you pray daily that God should kill the monitoring spirit which troubles and monitors your life. Who is actually this monitoring spirit?

DAD: Your mother! She is the one following me all about and monitoring my activities daily.

JUNIOR: But dad, l think she is doing a great job for you. She says that she is just trying to protect you from untimely death because you run after people's wives. For example, look at your lips. The upper lip is fatter than the lower lip, courtesy a deadly blow you received from a man who caught you talking with his wife. Look at your eyes. The left eyeball is bigger than the right eyeball, courtesy a heavy punch you received from a man who saw you giving his wife money.

Don't you think mummy is rather a guardian Angel to you rather than being a monitoring spirit?

DAD: Then she has to give me at least a year to repent and stop all the rubbish. Not just at once.

JUNIOR:  But Dad, delay is dangerous! Those who wait for the twelfth hour to repent may die at the eleventh hour!

She can't afford to see her husband with one eye deformed, one lip deformed, one ear deformed, one leg deformed, one hand deformed etc. The additional one year may produce the additional deformities! Do you want to become like the Fairy, the forests god who has half body?

REMEMBER: Wisdom is a gift of nature but it is given to only those who will use it for the benefit of mankind!

IT IS ALWAYS DIFFICULT TO ROLL A CANOE AGAINST THE TIDE!

My people, it is me, your indefatigable Jack of all trades; master of none!

After l had done with my secondary school education, l started to work as a sales boy in a supermarket. Monthly, my father takes my salary from me and that of my brothers and sisters and he built a very high tower made up of bamboos. It was about three storey high. He has a long ladder which he uses to climb the tower. He keeps all our salaries there. He said when l have gotten a substantial amount, l will then stop the job and he will use the money to finance my university education.

He knew that l love women just as a bee loves palm wine! With that money there, no way for me to get anywhere closer to it let alone to take from it. One day l fell in love with a certain lady and she told me that l must buy a wristwatch for her first before she will agree to be my girlfriend. The third day which was Saturday, she came to me.  

I then took her to a nearby restaurant and l ordered food and soft drink for her. I then left to look for money to give to her for the wristwatch and pay for the food. I found where my father kept the ladder and l carried it and l used it to climb the tower. I made it successfully and l entered into the save room where my father usually keeps the money. I never knew that my father was watching me all the while. He came and carried the ladder away. When l have taken the amount l needed and l was about to climb down, alas! No ladder!

I began to call for help. And my father came and he said to me, "I just want to leave you up there waiting for when you will fall to the ground so that l will use the money in your hand to treat you". As if that was not enough, the lady who owned the restaurant held the girl down to me demanding for her money. They were surprised to see me up dangling helplessly like a thief. And she shouted to me saying, " Bros, if you fail to pay me my money now, l am taking this girl away and l will put her in a room and l will call men to be sleeping with her till l get my money".

And my father said to the woman, "Madam, go and use the lady for prostitution and when she had worked your money complete, then l will make sure that this my stupid son marries her! This idiot must marry the food that everyone ate remained!"

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOOOO!

WHEN MY BEST CHOICE OF WIFE BECOMES A TABOO!

MY PEOPLE, IT IS ME YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES;  MASTER OF NONE!

As a young man, my mother told me to get married in time so that she will carry her grandchildren when she was still alive. But my choice of wife was a female footballer! And not too long, l got a female footballer. I immediately took her to see my parents. As we sat down, my father said to her, "young man, drinks, kola nuts and money are on the table for your entertainment". I quickly correct my father saying, " Dad, she is a female not a male". 

Ten minutes later, my parents excused me into the room and said, "Don't you have any sense? What is this thing that you brought to us? No breasts, no buttocks. How are you sure if there is a hole between her thighs? Common take this thing away".

I then brought a police lady and introduced her to my parents. They then excused me into the bedroom said to me, " Don't you have any sense? Don't you know that our business is India hemp farming? And she would in no time arrest us? Common, take her away”. 

I then brought another lady but this time, a thief. After l have introduced her to my parents, they excused me into the bedroom and they said, "Don't you have any sense? Don't you know that your mother is a money lender? She will steal all her money. Common take her away". 

I then went and brought a very fat lady because l love fat ladies. But she was too fat! She has to be assisted by some of our neighbours before she could be forced through the door into the sitting room. She was offered a chair to sit on. But immediately she sat on the chair, it breaks! She sat on another chair but the same thing happened and she finally broke all the chairs in the sitting room. My mother then told her to sit on the bed. 

The bed breaks immediately and she fell to the ground. She couldn't stand up herself. We have to call six of our neighbours to come and help us to pull her up on her feet.

My parents immediately took me into the bedroom and they gave me the sum of N3000 and they said to me, "Take this money and go to the market and tell them to sell N3000 sense for you. If they say that they don't have the sense of N3000, then come back so that we would add more money for you to buy it because you need sense badly and it is only in the market that you can get it to buy. Idiot of no size". 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOO?