My people, it still me, your indefatigable Jack of all trades; master of none!
WAHALA NOR TOO MUCH!
I was relaxing peacefully inside my one room apartment in Third East Circular Road in Benin city, Edo state when my friend, Ogbeide came to tell me that my loneness has come to an end! He said that on his way back from Ehor, he saw a place where people gathered and he parked his car and came out to see what was actually happening there.
He said that on getting to the spot, he saw a very influential chief sitting down with some law enforcement agents surrounded him. He held a megaphone and he was saying repeatedly: My people, the time that bachelors will say that country is hard and so they don't have money to marry is gone! I triple chief Egherevwa, hereby announces to the general public that l have about thirteen beautiful and busty looking daughters. Any man who is interested in marrying anyone of them should come forward immediately.
Don't be afraid of the bride price. It is not as exorbitant as you may think. It is very easy and affordable. All you need to do is that we will set you on a race with a man, from Ring road to Oluku junction. If you can get there before him, then you have won and you will go into the compound and choose one from amongst the thirteen pretty looking ladies there to be your wife. But if he getst there before you, then you will become our slave. You will remain in this compound forever doing all the domestic chores! This is the bride price for my daughters.
My people it was like giving a very solid weapon to a strong warrior to fight with. It was just a walkover for me because when it comes to race, l have no rival! Even the various dogs in our family's compound respect me because they can't out run me anytime l practice with them. Based on this, then who is that person that can beat his chest and challenge me to a race? Emphatically none!
I went to the chief's compound and told him that l was interested in having one of his daughters as a wife. He welcomed me and called the girls to come forward so that l can see them; because seeing is believing.
Holy enjoyment, they are fantastically busty!
Holy enjoyment, they are fantastically pretty!
Holy enjoyment, they are fantastically sweet!
Holy enjoyment, they are fantastically enjoyable!
I chose four but he said that l can only choose one!
I then chose one who was very pretty looking and busty with a smiling face. Her name was Itohan.
The chief then asked me when would l be ready to take the race.
I told him that l will like to see the man whom l was going to run with first because l don't want to take chances based on many bad and bitter experiences I have had on these type of competitions in the time past.
He asked me to come the next day in the evening.
The next day in the evening, l went there. The man was brought out to me. Immediately l saw him, it dawned on me that there was not going to be any competition but a mere joke or a gimmick. Guys, the man was very short with short legs like that of a tortoise. He was not more than four feet tall! Yet l decided that we should do a rehearsal. The chief agreed.
We went to a primary school field. The chief then set us to run round the field four times. As we started, it was very funny looking at the man trying to run with his short legs. It was as if he was forcing his legs to move but they were not willing because they are too short. I ran round the field four times within ten minutes and l sat down but he was still struggling to complete one.
We were asked to go home and come back the next Sunday in the evening which was going to be the real day! Throughout that week, it was all sweet dreams! I saw myself in my dreams, kissing, romancing and hugging my pillows assuming them to be my wife to be. I was even contemplating whether I should tell the man to go round thrice first before l will begin because even at that l will still defeat him hands down!
Then came the moment of truth. The big field was filled to its capacity. Dancers, singers, drummers and music were in everywhere.It was colourful. Then we were positioned on the field. The referee stood by. He then shouted, go: Both of us moved the same time. But within three minutes, l was on the second round while this man was still far behind me on the first round. I looked back and smiled in a satisfactory and mockery manner!
But as l was at the middle of the second round, the game changed! A miracle that l have never witnessed nor heard about once happened. This man that was far behind me passed me with an unprecedented speed of a lightning flash. His legs were very long! Before l could complete the second round, he had passed me five times adding one extra round to it to completely knock me out beyond redemption!
He caused me an irreparable loss!
He caused me an everlasting stigma!
He caused me an everlasting shame!
He turned my pieces mind to fragmentation!
Infact an irreparable catastrophe!
Before l could get to the second round final, he was already sitting down resting! When l looked at his feet, they were very long. I asked him how on earth did he manage to developed those long feet in a twinkle of an eye.
Listen to what he said, "Mr suitor, you are just a little brat when it comes to race. You don't know anything. I have competed with different horses and cheetahs and l defeated them let alone you ordinary human being.
Look, let me inject some senses into this your empty skull that carries suffer. Look at the aeroplane very well. When it wants to fly, it will first taxi on the tarmacs with its tyres. As it runs, it gathers speed and finally takes off. You will see its big and long tyres as it flies up.
But when it has balanced itself in the air, it will folds those long and heavy tyres into their sheaths to hide them. So when you see it flying you won't know that it has long tyres. That is exactly the technique which l used to defeat you. My real legs were folded into my waist to hide them just like the aeroplane. So, welcome to our compound. Here you will live forever serving us as a slave".
And Itohan shouted to me saying, "Darling, please try harder! You told me that you have defeated dogs and other best runners, then why can't you defeat him? You know that l love you and l can't afford to continue staying here with my parents. Please try your best for my sake".
And l said, "Honey, l have defeated both dogs and best runners but not horses, cheetahs and aeroplanes which are well-known gods of speed! This race is beyond me. My best can only be good for humans not deities!"
I was taken into the compound immediately to start working. I fetched water, swept the entire compound, fed the domestic animals, bathed the children, washed all the utensils, cars, toilets and bathrooms. I flushed the chidrens' excrement etc.
Then my lost hope came to life again when they told me that l will be the one who will be bathing the girls every morning and evening and rubbing cream on their body and wearing them dresses. O boy! It was like Adam and Eve were pardoned to return to the garden of Eden again. I continued to smile and dance with my intestines. Yes, these beautiful looking things will become pregnant for me one after the other. Nothing can be more nice than that! This is not the case of having even one of them but all! Paradise of enjoyment, here l come! I believed that they were not so wise after all. How can you give a goat to Mr Lion to keep for you!
But my huge expectations, hope and secret dancing came to an abrupt end and disastrous proportion when they told me that l will begin the work the next morning but before then, they have to castrate me because, no sane person will give a bone to a hungry dog and expect the bone to be safe. The only way the bone can be safe is to pull off its canine teeth! That was while the doctor has come to carry out the process. My fine boy must be removed!
I can only see but do nothing.
NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!