UNEASY LIES THE HEAD THAT WEARS SUFFER!

My unrelenting admirers we are up to the task!

The task of entertaining you! 

Always follow us to anywhere we go!

We love you!

I worked as a lorry driver for years. Because our roads were full of potholes and gallops coupled with armed robbers, l got a charm of disappearance from a herbalist. The work of the charm is that, whenever your vehicle mistakenly enters into a pothole or involves in an accident with a bang, the charm will makes you disappear and you would find yourself sitting down comfortably in your room. Also, if there is any gunshot, you will disappear and reappear in your sitting room. So, in other words, it protects against accident and gunshot!  I later stopped the driving of lorry and l decided to travel abroad for greener pastures!

My people, for years l tried to travel to America, God's own country but all my efforts proved futile. I like to leave all the village rats, cats, dogs, goats, wall geckos and their witchcraft activities behind. After my fifth attempt to travel failed, l decided to do a thorough homework so that l won't fail for the sixth time.

Luckily for me, the sixth time, everything worked out  successfully! My international passport and Visa were in order. I quickly booked a flight. As l left the village, l said to those dogs, cats, rats, mosquitoes, goats and wallgeckos, "Witches and wizards, your evil can't stops me this time around men! Die men, all you workers of iniquities! I'm off to God's own country! You all gaddem bullshit men!"

I boarded a flight and l arrived the U.S. It was a memorable achievement! I was well received by my fellow country men and women. There was a mini party for my arrival. At this party due to the euphoria, a guy brought out his revolver pistol and he fired two shots into the air closer to where l was sitting. Immediately, l found my self back in the village sitting down in my room with all the rats, dogs, cats, mosquitoes and goats looking at me smiling!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO!!!

TROUBLE DON GO TIE BULUKU FOR WHERE YANGA DEY SLEEP O!

There was this friend of mine. For years, we didn't see each other. One day, on my way from a party we met! It was a memorable meeting! He was driving a new Prado Jeep with four pretty looking ladies in the car. We exchanged phone numbers.

Two days time, he asked me to meet him at a popular restaurant. I was there in no time. He told the Waiter to take my order. I ordered food and beer amounting N7000. When he saw the food, he asked the waiter how much food and he told him, N7000. And he said to me, "Dav, are you here to insult me? How dare you ordered N7000 food for me to pay? When l say you should order for food, l mean your favourite. That is banga soup with well cooked and spiced fresh cat fish or mudfish with starch not less than N30,000! 

N7000 food should be for a beggar not for you my bosom friend!" I begged him to let me be. He said that after the meal, I should meet him in room 19. After eating, l went to meet him. On getting into the room, he was with about five pretty looking ladies in nude massaging him. I was aghast!

He asked for my account number and l quickly gave it to him. He transferred the sum of fifty thousand naira into my account! A week later, l met him and l begged him not to give me fish any longer but rather to teach me how to fish myself.

He told me that he doesn't do any job. Only what he does is just to enjoy himself by eating, driving and making love to any lady he loves. I asked him the secret of his prosperity. He told me that he was as poor as a church rat or rather as the naked eyes which have no money to buy pant to put on, hence they called them, "NAKED EYES".

He said that one day he was walking through a very busy street with a lot of shops when he became extremely pressed! There was no hidden place for him to go into and urinate and so, instead of him to urinate on his body, he threw shyness to the wind. He unzipped his trousers and brought out his cock publicly and he urinated into the open gutter with dozens of ladies looking at him.

He said that two days time, he passed through that route again but this time, ladies flocked round him from all sides. They just asked him to give them his phone number. They started to call him telling him that the day he urinated publicly on the gutter, they saw his instrument and they would like to taste it because they love it!

He said that they started to come to his house with food, money, clothes and even cars!

After l listen to him, l wasted no time. Off my street, is one of such busy roads with a lot of females shops. I went there and l got to a particular spot with a lot of females standing outside their shops. I unzipped my trousers and bring out my cock and l began to urinate into the open gutter!

I hardly finished, when some military officers came out of one of the shops and they asked me to take off my clothes and start to do frog jump. They flogged me for hours till there was hardly any skin left on my body. They then ordered me to walk to the barracks nakedly and they will be following me behind in motorcycles. Come and see the crowd of people looking at my nakedness! 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOO!

KISSILOGY & TOUCHLOGY DON BACKFIRED O!

My people, as a young school leaver, many of my friends and l had no jobs. To feed became a great challenge to us. Everyone began to search for something to do. One of our friends, travelled to the Niger Delta areas of Nigeria. Within a week, he returned with a lot of money and beverages. We were amazed! 

He then told us that a guy took him to a certain business in one of the wharfs where cargo ships belt! The business was code named "PB, TB & KM," respectively. Now, 'PB' means, pressing breasts, 'TB, means, touching buttocks & 'KM, means, kissing mouth'.

He said that a lot of foreigners usually follow the ships down and since the sea was very cold, they always look out for free ladies to hang up with. He further said that you don't actually need to be a lady before you can take part in the business; that is, you can disguise as a female to deceive them. All you need do is to tie "Araramen coconut to each of your breasts and tie two soft pillows to your buttocks to bring them out like that of a female and then put on earnings and put on makeups!

Trust me, my guys! I wasted no time, l got ready and we went to Onne Wharfs in PortHarcourt, Nigeria! I, as a new person, l remained outside the gate. Then, my guy entered looking sexy! I also dressed to kill! 

Soon, a huge looking man with bulging muscles came and said to my guy, "Hello babe, are you ready for me tonight? I am starving men! I gonna spoilt you with dollars provided you make me happy men!" Three guys then joined him and they said to my guy, "Babe! You are dam hot! You are sexy men! The man started with "TB" but as the romancing got hotter, the soft araramen coconuts fell off to the ground. The game was up!

Soon, they discovered that he was a male and not a female. They stripped him naked with heavy blows which the greatest heavy weight boxer on earth would be afraid of. As the beating continued, he told them that he was not alone that the person standing at the gate was his partner in crime pointing towards me.

Immediately, l heard, "Look at the other one at the gate, get him!" My guys, l immediately, pulled off my artificial breasts, wigs, earnings and buttocks! I begged my God to give me a speed that both the wind, the lightning flash and cheetahs could never get anywhere closer to.

As they chased after me, l shouted to them saying, "No how powerful the wind may blow, it can never controls the eagle! Back tyre can never overtakes the front one! The world is like a ball, but no footballer can plays it! The oil always stays on top of the water!  

My guy, as l was about to get to Bayelsa state, come and see police roadblocks ahead of me and closely behind me were my pursuers!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO! 

OTURUGBEKE, The problems solver!

Dear sir. My name is Jikomor Festus. I have red a lot of your advice to people like me. I really love the way in which you advise people. Mine is about two ladies in my life. I'm a young man of twenty nine years old. I met these two ladies on my way from work in different months.

I have slept with both of them several times. But they don't know each other because they have never met themselves. My trouble now is that l have promised both of them marriage blindly under an oath because they are both wonderful in bed! I lost my senses because of their sexual capability and expertize in bed!

I had a terrible dream about them one night but when l woke up, l forgot the dream. And so, l began to pray that the dream should come to me again. Then one afternoon l was at my workshop and it rained heavily. None of my boys came and because the rain was so heavy, l couldn't complete the jobs l have at hand; instead, l slept off.

I had a terrible dream that afternoon. These two ladies came to me at the same time. I was surprised to see both of them together and so, my heart began to pant heavily. One then told me that she belongs to the marine kingdom and the other told me that she is a witch! I was terribly afraid when l woke up. It was like everything was in the physical.

From that day, l stopped sleeping with them. I am even afraid to give them money for anything whatsoever. Are they actally what they said they are or it was just a dream?

Should l ask them or tell them the dream? Please sir, help me.

                                  THE REPLY

Thank you Mr Festus for writing to us. Your case is purely spiritual hence we referred it to the spiritual dictionary, the great ORACULUS-OPARAMULUS.

It says both of them are right! One belongs to the marine kingdom and the other the coven kingdom.

This was the revelation of the spiritual dictionary.

Oturugbeke's advice to you is that, witchcraft and marine kingdom can't put asunder in your love! Since you proposed to both of them blindly, then blindly marry them, and blindly impregnate them and blindly endure them! Remove the evil spirits from them by sleeping with them with both eyes closed.

Do everything blindly and it shall be well with you blindly.

We mean, you should always close your two eyes every time to avoid seeing them. Congratulation. The only problem now is, what type of children you are going to have?

Because the Ogbanje may give birth to mami-water (mermaids) and the witch may give birth to demons.

So congratulation to you, father mami-water & father demons!

I THINK, WE HAVE DONE THE NEEDFUL FOR YOU!

N:B, Very soon, na your money naim dem go dey take dey fund and repair coven and marine kingdom & do yearly donation! O boy, l sorry for you O! Na poverty go come kill you then. Ogbanje go take you sweep water.

You don die be dat as e be say wen you see woman finish you no come dey get sense again so! Na bear-bear bank naim you invest put so!".

'KEHUKE' THE AFRICAN MYSTERIOUS DOUBLE HEADED SNAKE.

N:B, What we all need to know here is that, there are certain things that happen to us which should have been revealed to us for us to take precaution to avert them had it been we are in certain environments. An environment with bushes and trees is the best for spiritual vibrations!

That was the reason why in those days, monasteries, temples, synagogues, churches and shrines are located in the outskirt of villages or cities as the case may be. These are the best conducive environments for spiritual vibrations.

Does it surprised you to know that plants and trees take in  carbon dioxide which we give out and give out oxygen which we take in? It is a natural mystery!

Now, we are going to look at the significant of the mysterious snake 'KEHUKE' and its appearance interpretations bit by bit.

              A.K.A, THE SPIRITUAL SEER!

This is a small snake with two heads, one at each ends of its body! It has both brownish and purple colours.

                          

                            ITS INTERPRETATIONS. 

(1) When you are walking along the bush path and you see it going to a particular direction and it didn't stop but continues, means you are on the right path of life in your living. It means you should continue on your way of life.

(2) But if it stops for seconds and continues in the same direction means, you are going against nature! That means, you have to review you ways of life and everything you do. It is a message!

(3) But if it stops for seconds and then go back to where it was coming from using the other head, means that you are going to receive a sad news of death very shortly! Either from your immediate family or from amongst your extended family members! 

(4) But if it stops and refuses to go either forward or backward, means you are going to die! Because in some instances, it wouldn't move even till the next day. It would looks as if it is dead, but it is not dead!

AGAIN: Nature communicates with humans in one way or the other but in most cases, we ignore these communications due to our ignorance! Many people believed that snake is an evil creature but it is not so! Every creature has its own uses to nature. Another common medium which nature uses to communicate messages and revelations to man, is through dreams! But regrettably, many people don't know this! At times, religious belief also contributes to this huge blunder!

Always keep record of your various dreams by writing them down in a note book!