COMING INTO THE WORLD DURING BIRTH IS MORE AGONIZING THAN LEAVING THE WORLD DURING DEATH!

NA ME UNA INDEFATIGABLE GUY MAN, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

POVERTY NA BIG DISEASE OO!

I was on my way to search for a job when l saw a mammoth gathering at a particular spot. I walked down in a jiffy! On getting there, l heard a man saying, "Look, l am challenging anybody who thinks he can drink four litres of water in a minute to come forward and drink it. Here is the sum of  a hundred thousand naira in cash for the person".

I quickly took the challenge. The man placed the money on the floor closer to the gallon of water. I held the gallon and the man looked at his watch and said, "Start now!"

O boy, l gulped the water in 51 minutes!

Everybody applauded me with great ovation!

I collected the money and l left smiling happily!

But just a few poles away, l observed that water was flowing down from under my trousers like a tap!

I went to the  back of a certain house and l undressed. Behold, water was flowing out uncontrollably from both my anus and my fine boy!

I ran home with all my clothes drenched. Many people thought l tie a water container to my waist and covered it with my shirt. After sometimes, it stopped. I was very happy thinking it has finally stopped itself. But as l became thirsty and took water, it started to flow out again!

I was taken to the hospital where doctor diagnosed me and confirmed that both my bladder and my stomach were ruptured! He said he could fix everything back to normal if l can pay him the sum of two million naira!

He asked me how did it happen. I told him that l did the work that led to it for a hundred thousand naira and where will l get two million naira? 

He said that it is either I get the money within twenty four hours or l die.

Na there l shout say, true-true, l go die OOOO!

DON'T EVER SIT AT THE HIGH TABLE WHEN YOUR WEARS ARE NOT EXPENSIVE ENOUGH TO MATCH IT!

As ever, your guy man, Jack of all trades; master of none!

There was this friend of mine, a mechanic. He was an expert in the repairs of every type of cars At a time he began to bring different expensive cars home. He tells us he buys them. After sometimes, we won't see the cars again. He would tell us that he has sold them.

One day l woo a certain beautifully looking lady. She was so psychedelic. She asked me what brand of car do l used. Out of shame not to loose her, l told her it was an SUV,  latest model. She embraced and kissed me saying, "That's it my guy!" 

I felt like l was in paradise. Her front was excellent!

Her back was superb! 

I promised to take her out on Sunday evening.

On Saturday, l went to my friend the mechanic to see whether he has any new car so that he could lend it to me.

Fortunately, he just brought home one wicked SUV model!

It was like giving a fine sword to a strong warrior!

He told me that he bought it three days ago. On Sunday afternoon l took it and l rode off to pick my angelic baby so that we could go to the Paradise of enjoyment.

I picked her up and she showed me a certain hotel. We arrived there and checked in. We ate, swam together and we went to the other room so that l can show her my lovely skills. One surprising thing was that she continued receiving calls nearly every minute!

When we have had enough fun, we then checked out. I gave her some amount of money but she refused saying that her love for me was not based on money but natural!

When we got to where l packed the car, behold, it was gone!

As l was running helter skelter looking for it, l received a call from my friend the mechanic telling me to return the car immediately that it belongs to an army officer and that he was in his house now to take the car. He said that he lied to him that he just repaired it and he asked one of his boys to go and test it whether it was alright.

When l was through with the call, this lady was nowhere to be seen! 

It was then it dawned on me that "THE NIGHT HOURS AND THE GRAVEYARD ARE TWIN SISTERS BECAUSE BOTH OF THEM HOLD THE MONOPOLY OF FEARS!"

He called again and asked me where l was so that they could just drive down in another car to meet me.

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO die OOOO!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF A ROBBER IS CAUGHT STEALING FROM ANOTHER ROBBER?

Na una usual bro, Jack of all trades; master of none!

There was this girlfriend of mine. At a time, people began to tell me that she cheats on me. They told me that once l have gone to work, a guy usual comes to visit her at home.

I decided to catch her red handed. One Monday morning, as l was about to go to work, l told her to go and buy something for me. She always go about with her phone. Two minutes later, l called her that l can no longer wait for her. I told her that l have gone to work and she should keep the thing till l return late in the evening.

I then went under the bed and hide myself with a long sharp cutlass. Soon, she returned and phoned her secret lover. About thirty minutes later, the young man came. They ate and  bathe together. Then they entered bed to enjoy themselves. Then the following ensued between them:

MY GIRLFRIEND: Darling, do you know that my boyfriend is stupid?

SECRET LOVER: More than stupid

MY GIRLFRIEND: Darling, do you know that my boyfriend is hopeless?

SECRET LOVER: More than hopeless

MY GIRLFRIEND: Darling, do you know that my boyfriend is useless?

SECRET LOVER: More than useless

MY GIRLFRIEND: Darling, do you know that my boyfriend is an illiterate?

SECRET LOVER: More than illiterate

I jumped out with the long sharp sparkling cutlass!

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that this cutlass is merciless?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, more than merciless

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that this cutlass is very sharp?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, more than sharp

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that this cutlass is deadly?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, it is deadlier 

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that the cutlass can kill?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, more than a killer.

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that this cutlass can kill someone?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, it will do that any second from now.

And l held his neck to behead him, but he said, "Bro, you can't do this to me. Remember that when l caught you with my sister red handed in our matrimonial bed, l didn't kill you but forgave you!

Remember that when l caught you pant down with my mother in our matrimonial bed, you begged me to forgive you and that l should not kill you and also not to tell my father and l did just that and forgave you! Can't you see that you can't do me anything?

Can't you see that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander?"

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!

"WHOSOEVER THAT DOESN'T CHANGE WITH TIME WILL BE SWEPT AWAY BY THE TIDE OF CHANGE!"

But the above saying of our forefathers doesn't apply to me!

MY PEOPLE, NA ME UNA OGBOGE GUY MAN, Jack of all trades; master of none!

It is said that for mankind to embrace civilization, we must follow the latest updates and trending activities!

Since the latest updates is fighting in the boxing ring, l decided to join the moving wagon as not be left behind.

Everyday l train by boxing pillows with the latest boxing gloves which l just bought. I watch animals planet and from there l learnt some powerful uppercuts and deadly punches from the likes of the Kangaroos and the praying mantis! With my experiences from these great natural boxers, victory in boxing will always be guaranteed in whatever competition l may embark on!

Just then, a certain rich guy came to me that he wanted me to challenge his opponent in the boxing ring. He promised me a car and a house on winning the competition. My people, from the training which l have so far learnt from the likes of the kangaroos and the mantis, victory was as simple as eating food!

The guy finally appeared. He was hugely built! But l remembered that the highly built Goliath was demolished by the young man David and so l believed that history will definitely replicates itself!

I told him to say his last prayer because no hospital will accept him after the encounter because l will so pieces his body with punches and uppercuts.

But as l walked towards him, l felt like l was flying in the cloud of heaven!  When l finally realized myself, l jumped up and asked the huge crowd l saw surrounded me where is the lazy thing so that l can finish him. It was then the crowd yelled spontaneously "God, we thank you! He is back to life!" 

I asked about my opponent so that l can finish him once and for all and receive my prizes! But they told me that "GAME OVER!"

That l have been in coma for eight days now! That the first uppercut the guy gave me sent me to the land of coma and gave me a permanent shut up! That my case can be compared to that of the resurrected Lazarus in the Bible who came to life after days in the land of the dead.

I asked them that how can he had won me when we have not started. They said that this guy doesn't need to get anywhere closer to his opponent before decimating him or her. That all he needs is just to look at you and the deed is done!

Now, there were about six drips fixed on my body.

As l was still trying to remember everything, l heard the guy's voice saying, "Has he regained consciousness? So that l can send him down to his permanent grave!" 

I jumped up and yank off the drips from my body and l jumped from the high storey building that housed the hospital. As l landed on the hard concreted floor, my body was in pieces and l was rushed to a more sophisticated hospital but l was rejected on the ground that l was broken beyond repairs!

NA there l shout say l go die true-true OOOO!

HUMAN MT.KILIMANJARO!

My people, it is me your trusted guy man, Jack of all trades ;master of none!

To get an ideal wife is not an easy task. When l became matured enough to get married, my parents were hoping that l would soon bring a lady home and introduce her to them but that never happened. They became worried. My mother knew that l love busty ladies and so she brought a certain fat lady for me. I refused her.

My father then brought a fatter lady to me; yet l refused her! I finally got the fattest lady for myself! I brought her to my parents as my choice. They didn't say anything. They just nodded their heads. This lady was about fifteen feet tall and hugely built! They nicknamed her in her street, H.M.K. That's Human Mountain Kilimanjaro.

Then came the day of the marriage. Now, it should be noted here that in our tradition, as a son, your father is expected to give you the most valuable present on your marriage day! No matter how small it may be or whatever thing it may be, it is considered the most valuable present you received that day. I was expecting either a car or a big shop or a huge sum of money as a gift from my father.

When everyone was seated, my father was seen coming and behind him were three young men carrying a ladder. The guests were all very surprised, also was l, because such an occasion has nothing to do with a ladder.

The young men leaned the ladder on the wall and they stood beside it.

My father was the most expected person of the day especially his speech which everybody believes was the head of the ceremony. He mounted the platform and started his address like this: 

Hello distinguished personalities, ladies and gentlemen! You are all specially welcome to this historic occasion. I must confess that the huge crowd here today is a clear demonstration that this is indeed an extraordinary marriage ceremony. I believe that most of you here know me quite well but for the sake of those who don't know me. I am the father of the bridegroom.

Our culture makes it mandatory for me as the father to give him a very precious gift that he won't forget in his entire life time. It is also a gift that would be very helpful to them in the marriage. Now, silver and gold have l not but such have l give l thee. I hereby present this twenty feet long ladder to them as my special gift because l know that they will find it very useful. It is adjustable! 

It will first be useful here any moment from now. Because he has to kiss his bride and the only way to do that is to lean the ladder on her body and climb up. For kissing, he needs to climb the ladder up. For the other room, he can adjust it shorter. Everything between both of them, the ladder must play an important role!  

His mother brought a fat lady to him , he refused her! I brought a fatter lady to him, he refused her too! These were occupied till I come. He got for himself the fattest lady aka occupied till eternity!  I hereby call on the officiating priest to call them out so that the ladder can be placed on where it belongs and let them have a kiss!

Na there l shout say l go die OOOO!