THE NEW ARITHMETIC FORMULA KNOWN AS "THE SON OF A WITCH".

Once upon a time, my five years old son who was in kindergarten 3, returned from school and l asked him what did he do at school. He told me that they did arithmetic. 

I then asked him the topic. He told me it was 'addition of numbers'. I asked him further if he can summarise it to my hearing. 

He said, "We were taught that:

One plus one, the son of a witch makes two!

Two plus two, the son of a witch makes four!

Four plus four, the son of a witch makes eight! Etc.

The next morning, l followed him to the school to see his teacher. I queried the teacher why did he have to teach the kids such horrible things.

And he said:

Sir, l only taught them that:

One plus one, the sum of which makes two and two plus two, the sum of which makes four and four plus four, the sum of which makes eight!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE O!

THE NEW AILMENT CALLED "PAOMA"

I travelled to the village one weekend. A female relation of mine wasn't feeling too well. She was feeling weak with each passing day.  To further worsen the matter, she gave birth to a set of twins not quite long.

I then gave her money to go to the village health care centre for a checkup. When she returned, she told me that the doctor said she has 'PAOMA'. I became surprised because l have never heard about that ailment once.

She said it was a new ailment according to the doctor.

I then accompanied her down. I asked the doctor what type of ailment was PAOMA that my sister was suffering from. It was then he told me that she was suffering from "TRAUMA" not "PAOMA"

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE O!

"GENERATION OF BORROWERLISM!"

One morning a woman engaged her husband in a fierce exchange of words.

WIFE: You are a good for nothing drunkard.

You are a womanizer and nothing else!

HUSBAND: I agreed. But l am far better than you who is a debtor! You borrowed money from my town's meeting, your town's meeting and our church females meeting with no means of paying back!

Your daughter borrowed airtime and data from GLO, MTN and AIRTEL without no means of paying back!

Nigeria borrowed money from Swiss Bank, China and world Bank with no means of paying back!

Congratulation, generation of borrowerlism!

THE UNKNOWN CAREER!

There was this woman, a single mother with two children, a boy and a girl. Both of them were in their final year in the primary school. One afternoon after they had closed from school, their proprietress came to their mother and said, "Madam, we are having our career day next week. That is the day all the pupils in primary six will choose the career they would like to become in the future.

Each pupil is expected to put on the uniform that depicts the career he or she would like to be in the future. We can get the uniform of any career your children chose for you at a token fee of just N10,00 per a child. 

Now, the mother who obviously can't afford the money decided to play a fast one on the proprietress.

She said to her, "Madam Proprietress, thank you. But you see, my children cannot participate in that careers' day because they have chosen their careers. The boy chose after his father and the girl chose after me. 

Before my husband got married to me and after he left me till now, he is an arm robber; and l, before l got married to him till now, l have been an ASHAWO, that is a 'prostitute'.

Our children chose after our careers, robber and a prostitute. Do you have the uniforms for an arm robber and a prostitute? If yes, then, l will try to get the money".

The proprietress collapsed and fainted.

Two days later, she regained consciousness and she went back to the woman and she said, "Madam, l am sorry for all that happened. But thank God that l am back hale and hearty! We must conclude the career's day preparation before l go. 

I can get the uniform of an arm robber for you. It is usually rough looking with a Hood which he would use to cover his face and probably, a pistol and a knife. Then that of the girl is usually a very short transparent miniskirt that exposes her laps and her pant with a short transparent blouse that exposes her breasts with red looking lipsticks and a chewing gum and a small bag that she would hang on her shoulder. With these, they are good to go!"

When the mother saw that the proprietress was bent on getting the money at all cost, she decided to put a final and deadly blow on the plan and so she said, "Madam, proprietress, l will give you the money on the ground that your eighteen years old son that is in the university will come and put on the clothes so that he would walk past a police station first, if nothing happens, then l will pay. And your sixteen old daughter, Evenly will put on the prostitute's clothes and she would go to a prison to give condemned male prisoners food. When she returned, then l will pay for my daughter".

And the proprietress collapsed for the last time and transited to an everlasting coma!

I AM MORE THAN FLABBERGASTED AND BAMBOOZLED!

Things were very difficult with me. To eat was like a fairytale! I then learnt that the government had brought rice in a large quantity to be shared to the poorest of the poor!

I wasted no time; l was there!

I was directed to the warehouse where they were supposed to be kept. I met the manager in charged of the distribution.

I told him my reason of coming there. He told me that there was no rice. I reminded him that he can't tell me that there was no rice in the supposed rice depot.

He then told me that before he came to work, his wife bought four cups of rice which she cooked and they ate.

NB, EVEN THE RICE DEPOT HAS NO RICE!

I became very angry and disappointed.

As l got to the gate, l began to murmur and l shouted on top of my voice for the gatemen to open the gate without delay! Some area boys there told me to shut up my mouth or they will beat me up. I dared them to do their worse because a hungry man can do anything mischievous.

They rushed at me with sticks. I ran for my dear life. I ran straight to the police station. I told them to protect me from my enemies because the motto of the police is to protect life and property of the citizens. 

The police told me that they were even looking for who will protect them because bandits have been threatening their life for sometimes now. I left more confused and disappointed.

NB, THE POLICE EVEN CAN'T PROTECT THEMSELVES LET ALONE TO PROTECT ME!

I went home angrily. On getting home, l was sweating profusely having ran a long distance. To worsen my plight, there was no light! Out of anger, l went to the electricity distribution company's office. (NEPA)  on getting there, l asked them as to why didn't they provide me with light after all, l was not owing them. The manager told me politely that he just sent someone to buy four litres of petrol for their small generator because they don't have light in any of the offices! He told me that for the past one month they have not gotten light hence they contributed money to buy a small generator which is called "I BETTER PASS MY NEIGHBOURS"  because the surrounding offices were mocking at them because they don't have light.

NB, EVEN THE ELECTRICITY DISTRIBUTION COMPANY'S OFFICES DON'T HAVE LIGHT!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE O!

GUYS, NA WHICH ONE PAIN PASS?

I saw my former guy selling drugs in a pharmacy.

I decided on what to buy so that he would be jealous.

I bought a packet of condom.

I then asked him if it is standard because some do rupture during used. He told me that it is very solid.

As l was about going out, he gave me his wedding card which indicates that his marriage would be coming up in two days time!

Guys, l almost collapsed because l am still jumping from bed to bed without any proposal!

I nor deceive una O! The mind wey l take go before na weda he go beg me, make l, make yanga for am and give am condition to pretend like say l nor want!

My guys, but he bombed me like as army dey bomb bandits!

Thinking is about to kill me for here O!