"MALLAM DOGO, YOU OVER WON ME OOOOOO!"

My people, na me una guy, Jack of all trades; master of none!

I was sitting down comfortably in my room in Imo state, when a friend of mine, Chinedu, came to tell me that a certain competition was taking place. He said that the prize was a million naira, a duplex and an SUV! My guys, a hundred million naira is not a joke in addition to an SUV with a duplex. I asked him what was the competition all about.

He said that they will match a certain man with me to walk from Imo state to Abuja. The first person to get there will be given the money, the car and a duplex in the Federal capital territory, Abuja. My people, this is irresistible! 

For me, walking was never a problem with me because, l don't usually board vehicles when moving around in my state. I can walk up to twenty kilometres and l will neither feel pains nor get tired. Based on this, this competition was just a walk over for me. My mind was that, it should begin immediately. I could even see myself riding on the SUV and relaxing inside the duplex with busty looking angelic lady with barbecues!

Let that man come and let us start it right way!

Soon, the expected man came! He was a very tall man with long feet. He asked me to keep on going that he will pass me on the way. And l said, "Mr long legs, just forget about the competition because you are a loser!"

Both of us had our phones. I was just by Onitsha bridge at about five O'Clock in the evening when my opponent, mallam Dogo called me that he was already in Lokoja! I was surprised! Where did he pass? How on earth could he had gone that far within twelve hours! I began to accelerate! To cut long story short. I was in the middle of Onitsha bridge when he told me that he was already in Abuja receiving the prizes! l lost consciousness and collapsed.

A week later, l regained consciousness and behold by my hospital bed was mallam Dogo fully dressed and smiling at me. He told me that the SUV was outside and the money has been transferred into his account. The duplex has also been given to him.

I challenged him to prove to me how on earth he got to Abuja ahead of me within twenty four hours.

And he said, "Kai! Kai! You l nor know me ko? I never born me well ko? Na me dem dey call mallam Dogo mai dogo  kafa. (Long legs) Me l dey waka dey follow cows from Sokoto to kano to Lagos. Me l dey overtake cows for road and cows dey run follow me but he nor catch me. You no know anything! Me wey he get am for long legs like Camel naim you this dan-iska wey  get am for short legs like lizard come dey follow compete ko? You don Yamutu (die) I fit waka go for America and come back to-day-to-day if seas l nor dey for road".

My people, my lips and legs were swollen like a decomposing corpse of an elephant. One of my foot was  fatter than my body. The doctor soon came and l was diagnosed to having broken veins, bones, and lipoma with elephantiasis which urgently needs surgical operation abroad that if l want use my legs to walk again and use my mouth to eat and talk again!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOOO!

WAZOBIA AT THE MARKET.

My people na me, Jack of all trades;master of none!

                       

                         WAZOBIA AT THE MARKET!

WA: Oga, how much is this power bank?

SELLER: N30,000

WA: Olorun-Wonba O. Tori-Olorun!

How much is the last price?

SELLER: N28,000 last.

WA: No, let me give you N25,000.

ZO: Oga, how much is this power bank?

SELLER: N30,000

ZO: Kai! Kai!

How much is the last price?

SELLER: N28,000

ZO: No, let me give you N26,000

BIA: Oga, how much is this power bank?

SELLER: N30,000

BIA: Chineke-mee!

How much is the last price?

SELLER: N28,000

BIA: No, let me give you N2,000

THE MAN WHO SELLS HIS ARTICLES EXPENSIVELY ALWAYS LIKE TO BUY CHEAPLY!

HEAR YOUR PAPA, HEAR YOUR MAMA AND LIFE GO BETTER FOR YOU! LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS & IT SHALL BE WELL WITH YOU!

MY PEOPLE, I STIIL REMAIN YOUR GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

At a time, things started to go well with me. I got a job in a ship in one of these rich oil states of Niger Delta. One day, we sailed to one of the oil rigs. Our ship belts at the shore of one of those villages along the coastal line. 

In the evening, we observed that the villagers usually come to the river to take their bathe. Amongst those who came was this paragon of beauty lady. Her beauty can only be compared to that of an angel. Trust me, your guy. I started my love geography on her and before you know it, she had bowed to the superior fire powers from my sugar coated tongue! She gave me her phone number and her name. l took her photographs and also video her. Her name was Mantida. 

From that moment, we started to chat joyfully. I told her that l would like to marry her. She agreed immediately. For me once again, it is either Mantida or no one else!

When l got back home, l told my parents that l have found my future partner. And l showed them both the photographs and the video. They told me that since God has blessed me, l should take a wife from amongst our village girls. I told them that her beauty can't be wished away just like that. I tried to convince them that her beauty would boosts both my ego and their ego.

Yes, nothing could be better than having an angelic looking woman as a wife! I believed that all my friends would envy me. But my parents would not listen to me. They insisted on our village girls. I told them that our village girls are too local and l won't like to have a local champion as a wife. 

My patents told me that marriage  is never based on beauty but character. They said that many evils hide themselves under the shelter of beauty so that they can trap their victims easily. My parents said that beside that, there may be a problem of cultural differences.

Within three months everything was ready. The marriage date was fixed. As we were about to go, my mother said, "We don't prevent a child from growing a protruding teeth, provided he or she will have enough lips to cover it". I told her, "Mama, tell that to the birds!" 

All our family members and my friends and most of our village people went. The ceremony was held in a very big and open secondary school venue. It was filled to its capacity. Both sons and daughters of the village who were in diaspora came.  Everything went on smoothly with hundreds of people videoing the event both conventional media and social media. Content creators and bloggers as well.

After the main things have been done, the father of my wife climbed on a high platform and he addressed the people saying, "Distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen. You are all welcome to this historical occasion. Now, we are going to the most crucial aspect of our marriage tradition which is the cord of the marriage.

We are now going to call the newly married couple to come forward to that foam that is before us so that they can demonstrate to us that they can produce healthy children for their future life. Our beautiful daughter will strip herself naked and lie down and our in-law will also strip himself naked and make love to her publicly. We want to see their lovely skills. We expect our son in-law to twist his waist rigorously and put up a brilliant performance. It is also for us to see how powerful his "Fine Boy" can  perform. Whether it is the capable one or not".

Before, we could say Jack Robinson, my wife Mantida had gone to the foam. She took off her dress exposing her succulent breasts and then, her wrappers and the crowd yelled. She was about to take off her pants when l quickly rushed down to stop her. And a priest came up to me and said, "Our in-law, don't even try that or the gods will strike you dead! It is our tradition. Now, take off your clothes and mount her, time is running out!" 

l turned to her father and said, "But sir, what type of cultural differential is this? How can l strip myself naked publicly and make love to my wife in full view of thousands of people, both social media and conventional media and content creators? They will use me to make blue film?  You can't do that". And the father said, "My in-law, you see, there is nothing that we can do at this stage. It is either you do it or the gods will strike you dead".  

Immediately some heavily built young men came forward to undress me by force and l saw my family members and my friends and village people leaving to board their vehicles back home leaving me behind. I shouted to them, "My father! My mother! My friends and my village people, why have thou forsaken me!"  I told the men that l can't do it and they said that l should tell that to the birds!!

NA THERE, I SHOUT SAY, I GO DIE OOOO!

LATE OBEDIENCE IS THE FIRST CHILD OF REGRET!

THE HEN SHOULD NEVER GO OUT WITH THE DUCK BECAUSE THE DUCK CAN WALK, FLY AND SWIM BUT SHE CAN'T!

It is me, your guy, Jack of all trades master of none!

NA FOLLOW, FOLLOW, DEY KILL FOULS!

One Saturday afternoon, l saw two of my friends each riding a very expensive car. I screamed and waved to them. They saw my hands and they packed. I was surprised to see them riding on expensive cars with beautifully looking ladies by their side. I asked them, the secret behind their success. They told me that they were signatory to each of their father's pension account being the next of kin. 

And so when their Fathers' pension money was paid, they emptied the accounts. Their fathers and my father were both retired from the army the same day. I was also the next of kin to my father. That means l can also empty my father's account and enjoy the money. Each of them was paid ten million naira. They told me that l was only wasting my time because l can also do the same and start to enjoy like them. But l told them that my father was a very harsh army officer and if he discovers it, he would kill me.

My friends told me that he would do no such thing. They told me that after they emptied their fathers' accounts, their fathers discovered and they were both arrested. But after about two weeks in detention, their fathers came to the police commissioner and asked him to release them on the ground that they can't kill their own children because of ten million naira life pension.That human is more valuable than money. They told me that l should do it fast and join them to cruise the town round in the most expensive cars and the most beautiful looking ladies on earth!

They said that my father will do no shit! That being his first son, he would only just arrest me for a week or so and he would asks them to release me. Then, l will go and enjoy the money. For me, nothing can be more better than that! Imagine my humble self to cruise around town on one of the most expensive cars on earth with beautifully looking busty ladies by my side. That is heaven on earth!

Without wasting time, l went and emptied my father's pension account. Within a week, l joined my friends on the streets with one wicked looking sport car. Trust me, two light in complexion angelic looking ladies on board!

When my father saw my sudden life style, he went to check his pension account because his two friends who were also pensioners had a similar experience with their sons who happened to be my friends too.

On getting there, the expected had happened! The account has no dine! In no time l was arrested and locked up. A week later, l saw my father and hope rise for me that he has come to bail me. After about thirty minutes, they brought me out of cell and they handed me over to my father. I was very grateful to him. I prostrated often to beg and thank him for having mercy on me. I said, "Now, l believed that you are a loving father. You love me just like God loves Jesus. I will forever be faithful and obedience to you". But one surprise thing to me was that in all these, he never uttered  a word.

We entered into his car and he drove off. Then, l observed that the direction he was going was not the direction to our house. After about an hour, he left the major road and followed a bush road. It was then it dawn on me that if fish is not put in hot water, it will never know that water which is its best friend is also its best enemy!

We soon arrived a hut and it became obvious to me that the hot water on the fire can never be for the young man to bathe but for the elderly man!

Soon, a heavily bearded elderly man came out. And my father said to him pointing at me, "Baba, take a look at this idiot and tell me if l can get up to ten million naira from his body if l use him to do money rituals". 

And the man said, "Sir, he can give you up to thirty million naira". And my father said, " Yes, better! Better! So that l can use the remain twenty million to train his younger ones in school. He has to die for his younger ones for them to have a better life and become responsible citizens.After all, Jesus Christ used his blood as ransom for humanity to save! He will be my family's Jesus Christ!"

As the herbalist called his men to come and tie me up; l shouted to my father saying, "My father! My father! Why can't you forgive me? Remember that you love me just as God loves Christ". And he said, "Exactly my son! Out of the love that God has for Christ, hence he sent him to die for all his childre! He was obedience to death.That is the same love that l have for you, hence l sent you to die for your younger ones! Just be obedience to me just like Jesus was obedience to God and die for us".

And l shouted again, " My father! My father! Why have thou forsaken me? Forgive me!"

And my father replied: My son! My son!  No forgiveness in my dictionary! 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOOOOO!

"DON'T TELL LIES AGAINST ME", THE DEVIL PROTESTED!

My people, I still remain your guy, Jack of all trades; master of none!

It is a common thing to see and hear criminals blaming the Devil for their crimes!

This clergyman was caught red handed (pant down) with a choirmistress who was a married woman. Now, this lady was very beautiful. She was down to earth. Her husband arrested the clergyman and charged him to court for adultery.

On the first day in court, the complainant stood inside the dock facing the judge. The suspect was also docked.

After the charges were red to the hearing of everyone in the courtroom, the judge asked the suspect if he was guilty or not.

He replied that he was not guilty. The counsel to the complainant asked him why did he plead not guilty when he was caught in the act red handed.

He said that it was the work of the Devil! That the Devil pushed him into doing it. But to the surprise of everyone, a very tall and handsomely looking man appeared inside the third dock!

Nobody knows how he got there.

The surprised judge asked him who he was. And he said, "My Lord, l am the Devil in question. The humans are bunch of liars and ungrateful creatures. Especially, the clergymen. How on earth would l have pushed this man to sleep with this pretty looking lady to enjoy her? No way!

Don't l myself like enjoyment? Just take a look at the beauty of this lady. I couldn't have pushed this man into enjoyment when l myself l am starving of that thing. I am always looking out for pretty looking ladies like this, but l can't have access to them because they are always in the churches. The churches preach holy ghost fire against me daily and so to have an access to these beautiful daughters of men was as difficult as squeezing water out of a stone!

The clergymen are the ones who always enjoy them. Now, he is lying against me that l pushed him to commit adultery. I can't push you to enjoy what l am even praying to enjoy. Don't l love to enjoy? Common shut up your dirty mouth and face the penalty; bloody liar!"

IT IS ONLY THE DEAD THAT CAN'T DEFEND THEMSELVES!

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