THE FOUNDATION OF STORIES! YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS THEM!
COMING UP SOON!
THE HERO OF THE DAY AND THE KING OF SWEETNESS STANDING ON THE FLOOR
(4) TORTOISE'S GALLANT AND SHAMEFUL EXPLOITS BOTH IN THE LAND OF THE DWARFS AND THE GIANTS
(6) VOIDED HOPE
THE FAIRY, THE FOREST god VERSUS DEATH STING,THE DREADED SEVEN HEADED SPIRIT, THE KING OF THE SPIRITS.
(8) "I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE AVENGED THE DEATH OF MY WIFE FROM THE CITY OF THE DEVILS".
THE IROKO TREE WEPT AS SHE SMELT DEATH
ARAWATA AND ARAWASA, EVEN IN DEATH;THEY WERE NOT SEPARATED!
(9) DOUBLE SIN, ETEEM THE ARMED ROBBER
"WHEN DARKNESS COMES AT NOON, THE DEAD REMEMBER NOT THE EARTH, LET ME GO".
(10) GOZNARA ARHAKAH 2
THE EXPLOITS OF THE GIANT!
THE WITCHES AND THE WIZARDS ABANDONED THEIR PHYSICAL BODIES AND FLED TO THEIR COVENS AS GOZNARA GONE BERSERK!
NOWHERE TO HIDE!
"MY LAST ARROW, MY LIFE; THIS IS THE END!"
(12) DEATH STING ARHAKAH 1
A DAY THE HUMANS SURPRISED THE SPIRITS
A REMARKABLE DAY AT THE SPIRITS' WRESTLING GROUND
WHICH THEY WILL NOT FORGET IN A HURRY
THE DEADLY TREE VERSUS THE IROKO TREE!
NO TREE DARES THE AFRICAN DEADLY TREE TO A DUEL
(14) AKAPA'S TROUBLE
THE STRANGE SEVEN TAILED MONKEY AND THE JUNGLE DRAMA
THE STREAM OF TEARS!
MADOPO DEMAHADA THE ABODE OF THE MAD
NEVER AGAIN SHALL IT BE!
THE SPIRITUALISTS OF JAMATA CHALLENGED THE GODS AS OGRIKI AND HIS COLLEAGUES HAD ONLY SEVEN DAYS TO LIVE. THE GODS NEVER LIED, THEY HAD SPOKEN
(17) ARINI THE DEAD SPIRIT
THE POWERS OF THE DEAD
EVEN THE SPIRITUAL ABODE WEPT
(18) GROUND REFUSES HER BODY
THE GREAT AJAKAJA'S PREDICTION
LAUGH CRIES AS HAPPINESS OPENS NOT HER LIPS
" WHOSOEVER LOOKS INTO MY EYEBALLS SHALL NEVER SEE ANY GOOD ".
(20) YELA, THE MAN WHO VOWED TO COME BACK FROM THE LAND OF THE DEAD TO CARE FOR HIS CHILDREN.
DID HE REALLY SUCCEED?
DISTINGUISHED LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER THAT WHEN THE SUN APPROACHES THE HORIZON THEN BOTH THE FARMER AND THE PARROT MUST RETURN HOME.
THE FLAME LIKE HEAD OF THE AGAMA LIZARD DOESN'T STOP THE COBRA FROM SWALLOWING IT!
" DOCTOR, PLEASE WHERE ARE YOUR FEET? "
One day, l took my wife to see a medical doctor because she wasn't feeling too fine. After we have taken card, we were given a seat. We sat there waiting for the doctor. Then, he finally arrived! We were the first to be attended to. My wife told him how she was feeling. He asked her to follow him into the examination room.
I was watching them from under the curtain. I saw my wife's feet and that of the doctor closer to each other. Little while l didn't see my wife's feet again, only the doctor's feet l saw. I knew that she was lying on the bed and the doctor was examining her. Little while, l didn't see the doctor's feet again! I was disturbed and l ran into the room shouting, "Doctor! Doctor!! Where are your feet?"
Then l saw that he went to another inner room to get an instrument! You see guys, don't blame me too much because when a man and a woman are standing near a bed and suddenly you don't see the woman's feet again means she is lying on the bed. If the man's feet also suddenly disappeared means he has also climbed the bed to join her for the action.
You see, the best profession is to be a doctor! I chose the wrong career for not being a doctor!
You see, it is only doctor who can say to eithet the Queen, President's wife, governor or minister's wife, "Your majesty or your Excellency, please lie down on the bed and take off your clothes; it seems you are having some complications. Let me examine you".
When she has undressed, the doctor would look at her seductive body and salivate codedly. He would first touch her breasts, press and fond with them for a while and he would say, "There is an obscure lump in your breasts. This is a sign of an incoming cancer but not to worry, l will clear it right away". He would then go to the engine between the thighs!
He would press its soft surface and say, "Do you feel little pains when urinating? Or do you feel pains during your monthly flow?"
Obviously, you know women, she will say, "Exactly doctor".
That is giving a powerful sword to a strong man! And the doctor would touch and press it again.
Holy Moses! This is sitting on the chair of heaven without first dying! He would say, "Don't worry, you would be alright. You came at the right time because it hasn't gotten to the complicated stage. Now put on your dress Your Majesty and let me give you drugs!"
Meanwhile, he has seen the unseen and touched the untouchable! What a wonderful profession that l missed. Only the fringe benefits are enormous!
REMEMBER, IT IS JUST A JOKE!
KATIARA DON TIE KATIABA GO KASANARA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT!
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN, "DEM GIVE AM BELLE, SHE DON CARRY BELLE AND SHE DON GET BELLE!"
FOR THE SAKE OF THOSE WHO ARE NOT AFRICANS.
THE PIDGIN ENGLISH IS OUR MAJOR LINGUAL FRANCA!
TRY AND STUDY IT WITH THE BELOW.
There are three ways in which a woman can become pregnant in our local lingual franca.
THESE ARE:
(1) DEM GIVE AM BELLE
(2) SHE DON CARRY BELLE
(3) SHE DON GET BELLE
The total breakdown is as follows:
The first one which is: DEM GIVE AM BELLE means that the said lady became pregnant with about ten or more men in contention. To be able to determine the true owner of the pregnancy, DNA is needed if not, no definite father but there are suspects! Her mother has to embark on a door to door of bachelors to ask the most embarrassing question on earth. That is, "Bros, l beg don't be annoy. My foolish daughter said she befriended you sometimes ago. And now she is pregnant hence we are here to beg you to tell us the truth".
The two first replies she may likely get are: MADAM, GET OUT OF HERE NOW NOW, WITH YOUR ASHAWO PINKIN IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAB YOU WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE or MADAM NOR BE ONLY ME O, WE PLENTY WEY DEY NACK AM O! GO FRONT OTHER GUYS STILL DEY THERE".
Can any embarrassment be more than this?
How would you know where you got what you did not know when it happened? Impossible!
The second one which is: SHE DON CARRY BELLE is even worse because it means she has nobody to pin the pregnancy on! That means no hope as a result of ANYHOW WAKA-WAKA ABOUT OR CHEERFUL GIVER! She should be ready to shoulder the responsibilities all alone because no suspect! No need for the mother to make a move because everyday MALLAM ABOKI SUYA MEAT POINT and FRIED CHICKEN WITH YAM or BARBECUED JOINTS!
She nor know where she for carry the gift WEY big pass am!
That kind of pinkin na him mama papa name he dey answer for school.
The third which is: SHE DON GET BELLE is exactly a blessing! Yes, this is a blessing from God! When a woman is legally married and she becomes pregnant, we say, "SHE DON GET BELLE". This is the blessing that every married woman prays for!
MY BIG SISTER WEY DEY LOOK ME WITH YOUR BIG NAKED EYES WEY NOR GET MONEY TO BUY PANT WEAR, NA WHICH ONE BE YOUR OWN?
FIRST OR SECOND OR THIRD?
I STILL DEY WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWER O!
OGOLOTO DON TIE IGELEKE GO IGALAKA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT AGAIN O!
NA WHO GO COME PAY AM NOW?
There was this couple who always quarrel over love making. One day the man indulged in an extramarital affair with a lady. When he returned home, the following ensued between him and his wife.
HUSBAND: Today, l experienced the best drink on earth and exactly like the name, the difference is cleared. The bottle was round and the content was so juicy! Again and again, l repeat; the difference is cleared! No two ways about it.
The wife immediately suspected that her husband had gone out to sleep with another woman hence he used the word, "The difference is cleared". She also decided do her own. She also indulged in an extramarital affair. When she got home, she too bragged saying, "Yes, l have also tasted the drink name the difference is cleared. And actually the difference of this drink is cleared from the regular one l was used to. The bottle is so big, round and juicy! I love it!"
The husband became very angry and he summoned a general family meeting. On the day of the judgment after the eldest member of the family had listened to their statements, he thought that what they tasted was the 7UP drink which has the inscription: 'THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR'
And he said, "Our son and our daughter. Both of you have really done well by drinking the difference is clear. I have taken it before and l am encouraging all of you here to continue to taste of it. Don't do without it. In the morning, afternoon and evening, three times a day. So l congratulate both of you for this wonderful discovery.
After you have taken it you will never go to your former tasteless and old-fashioned local stuff again. Since both of you have tasted it, and you love it,
Continue on it daily, l assured you that both of you have gotten my blessing for you to continue ceaselessly!
And the couple said, "Sir, are you encouraging us to continue drinking the difference is clear?"
And he said, "Exactly! It is good for both of you."
THE COUPLE COLLAPSED
" THIS MIRACLE WAS MORE ACCURATE THAN THE WATER THAT WAS TURNED INTO WINE AT A MARRIAGE CEREMONY IN CANAAN"
There this area in Nigeria in the 70s known as ,"NO PADDY IN JUNGLE " It was known for its notoriety! All the ranks and titles of the areas boys go there to plan their various robbery activities. THE OKPODU, KAKO, OSTAKO, IWHIUS, ATIKO, OGBOLOGBOS ETC. Even if you abandoned your excrements there, it would be stolen! There was a woman selling alcohol and Indian helm aka lgbo alias wewe at this spot. It was a beehive of criminality!
When the criminals have robbed, they go there to drink and share their loots! The then military governor of the state decided to put a stop to it!
One morning a big caravan was brought and placed at the edge of the forest. There were photographs of air-conditioning, television sets, refrigerators, video machines, pressing irons, fans etc on it indicating that they were the gadgets inside!
When the area boys saw it, they raised up their hands and thanked God. "We are in money guys! This night we are going to work on it. Man must wack. No slacking", they shouted joyfully.
That night they came to burgle it. The leader of the gang led his men down. After they had broken the locks they opened it with joy to pack the goods. But they came face to face with fully armed soldiers! They retreated. The leader of the gang fled and climbed a wall hoping to jump down on the other side of the road and escape. But as he jumped down to the other side of the road, he landed directly inside a parked land rover surrounded by fierce looking mobile policemen fully armed! He looked them round and he closed his eyes.
And one of the policemen said to him, "Mr man, what pursued you to have jumped the high fence this night and fell into our vehicle?" And the leader of the gang said, "Sir, l have never seen this type of miracle before or heard about it. Anyways, you people should better shoot me to death because l can never open my mouth to tell you what actually happened. It is too shameful!"
REMEMBER THAT "A BRAVE WARRIOR NEVER TURNS HIS BACK ON THE BATTLE AT THE DRUMS OF WAR!"
THOSE WHO LIVE NEAR THE RIVER MUST NOT GET DRUNK!
This dialogue ensued between a father and his fifteen years old daughter.
FATHER: Come here Esther. What is this you are doing? A boy holding your hand? Abomination! You are in trouble!
ESTHER: But daily l see you wrestling with the housemaid in the kitchen but l never challenge you. Even when you floor her!
FATHER: No my daughter, you misunderstood me. I mean both of you should be doing it inside the bedroom so that nobody will sees you.
DAUGHTER: Dad, are you encouraging me to be having an affair with a man at this tender age?
FATHER: Honestly my daughter l am confused! All that l need now is what will makes you happy so that the night guard will not expose his dream because the exposure of the night guard's dreams will definitely leads to his sack!
My daughter, please cover your mouth! My reputation is at stake!
EX RAYING THE PUNISHMENT FOR INDECENT DRESSING OFFENDERS!
Now, a secret debate was held on what punishment should be given to any female caught dressed indecently.
GROUP A IS THE OPINIONS OF THE VARIOUS LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES.
GROUP B IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG BACHELORS.
GROUP C IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED WOMEN.
GROUP D IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED MEN.
GROUP E IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG SPINSTERS.
NOW, GROUP A VERSUS GROUP B VERSUS GROUP C VERSUS GROUP D VERSUS GROUP E.
WHICH OF THEM DO YOU LIKE TO JOIN?
REMEMBER SAY ENJOYMENT NOR GET BONE O
AND AWOOF DEY RUN BELLE O!
The followings are the various groups submissions.
GROUP A, LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three of them to enjoy her for twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.
GROUP B, YOUNG BACHELORS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three young bachelors to enjoy her for at least twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.
GROUP C, MARRIED WOMEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be flogged mercilessly for about five good minutes and then release to go.
GROUP E, MARRIED MEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be stripped naked and allowed to go home in nude.
GROUP E, YOUNG SPINSTERS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be made to pay a fine of a hundred thousand naira.
My people, why una dey look me with una big naked eyes wey nor wear pant?
I don already chose my option and una know me say na enjoyment side naim l dey like. But l nor say make dem rape anybody O!
But sha 0, l like to enjoy O!
It is because of this cold rainy season that makes me love the work of the law enforcement agency.
Imagine to load yourselves into an Hilux van and swoop on a crowd of beautiful looking commercial sex workers and arrest all of them. Then quote the backside of the constitution to them which says, "Thou shall not spread HIV/AIDS!" The punishment is either they pay in cash or in kind with immediate alacrity! ALL HAIL ME, The grammatical enigma! The fringe benefit of the uniform is enormous!
During this rainy season beautiful looking female prisoners don't spend the nights in their various prison cells with their ugly colleagues! My question be say, na how manage wey female prisoner come take carry belle come born for prison? Na spirit abi na juju give am belle?
I BEG O, NA JOKE I DEY, NOR BE REAL O!
BUT SENSE DEY MY JOKE SHA O!
"THERE ARE NO ROOMS FOR METHUSELAHS IN NIGERIA"
There was this 86 years old woman who rushed her elderly mother to the hospital. She requested that she should immediately be taken to the emergency intensive care unit for an immediate attention.
She was asked to buy a card. She filled the card and gave it to the doctor. The doctor observed that she was 130 years old. And the following ensued between them.
DOCTOR: Madam, your mother is already a hundred and thirty years old. Why still waisting money on her instead of allowing her to depar in peace?
WOMAN: Doc, she is just a hundred and thirty years old. People live more than that and l want her to live as long as Methuselah.
DOCTOR: Sorry madam, there are no rooms for Methuselahs in Nigeria. If it is abroad, then we can accommodate that.
Can't you see the bloated population? Please, let her die, we don't accept Methuselahs here!
"DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT?"
This man slapped his daughter, a senior secondary school student for returning home late from school.
The girl then sent a text message to him. It reads thus: Father, please, be informed that there is going to be a family general meeting in this house next Sunday at 5pm prompt and attendance is mandatory.
Mummy is going to be the prosecutor and l am going to be the chief judge while you are going to be the defendant.
First of all as the judge, let me ask you:
Did you or did you not have an illicit affairs with the housemaid?
Did you or did you not impregnate her?
Did you or did you not abort the pregnancy?
Did you or did you not give her a huge amount of money to keep her mouth shut?
Now answer, did you or did you not all these things?
The father after reading the text replied her thus.
FATHER: My daughter, did l or did l not give birth to you?
Did you or did you not want to go to the university?
Did you or did you not want me to buy you an expensive phone for your birthday?
Did you or did you not want me to buy you a luxury car after your graduation?
Did you or did you not want me to be taking you out secretly every Sunday to enjoy yourself?
She then sent a reply to her father and it reads thus:
I did want to cover you because l did want to enjoy all your promises. Did l or did l not do well?
And the father replied her thus: l will did all that we did to did everything to did well. I did promise l did!
But you will do to allow me to did the housemaid 0! I always love to did her!
DREAMLAND!
A MAN HAD THIS DREAM RECENTLY.
Inside the dream law enforcement agencies were arguing with the law!
LAW: You people don't have the right to arrest or harassed anybody for indecent dressing. You can only say that people dressed indecently when the real big stick and open well are not covered.
LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES: Fine, Lordship, then you should just say it out that people don't need to put on dresses and let everyone naked like the animals so that they can be doing it everywhere, anyhow and anytime.
No need for clothes. We should just be seeing everyone going about with big sticks and open wells!
No Wonder your logo is blindfolded so that it can't see the the right from the wrong!
THIS IS A JOKE FROM THE DREAM LAND!
NOT REAL!
"NO GOING BACK ON MY BLESSINGS".
There was this man who had five sons from different women! But unfortunately, they all hated their youngest brother, the last born. They either beat him or knock his head whenever he passes by them. They even said it to his face that had it been they can see a buyer, they would sell him just like Joseph's brothers did to him in the Holy Bible. This boy actually passed through hell in the hands of his half elders brothers!
One day, their father celebrated his fiftieth birthday. That day, the youngest son attained seventeen years of age. Later that evening, the man got a bottle of alcoholic drink, alligator pepper and kola nuts. These are the main ingredients of the prayer of blessings according to the African tradition! He then called his sons. He told them that he wants to bless them for their future careers. He then asked them to say whatever career they wanted to take in life.
FIRST SON: Dad, l am going to be a farmer. My major crop will be India hemp. That is my chosen career where l will make my livelihood. I will be a cultivator and exporter of marijuana!
FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!
SECOND SON: Dad, l am going to be a daredevil arm robber. I shall become rich by robbing and killing people.
FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!
THIRD SON: Dad, l am going into the business of fake and hard drugs. Because fake and hard drugs fetch fast income more than the original ones because they are cheaper and make people to be fearless. That is where l will make my livelihood!
FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!
FOURTH SON: Dad, l am going into the kidnapping business!
My job will be to kidnap high profile personalities. From it l will make my livelihood!
FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!
FIFTH SON: Dad, l shall be a nor nonsense police officer. And any idiot who dares into the trade or cultivation of India hemp or indulges in arm robbery or kidnapping or selling of fake and hard drugs will not only go to jail but will die in jail. I swear by the ancestors of our land!
FATHER: So shall it be for you, my last born!
When the four elder sons heard what their last brother whom they hate with passion said, they came to their father for them to change their various careers but their father said, "My sons, no going back on my blessings!"
E DON RED O!
THIS IS A SIGN THAT YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER HAD GONE FOR A CHEAP AND DISGRACEFUL PROSTITUTION!
FATHER: Grace, come here. Where are you coming from?
GRACE: No answer!
FATHER: Grace, didn't you hear me? I said where have you been to?
GRACE: No answer!
FATHER: It seems you want me to deaf your two ears with a dirty slap.
GRACE: I didn't go anywhere!
FATHER: Then where were you since l have been calling you?
GRACE: I went to my friend's place down town!
FATHER: Alright, then take me down there now!
GRACE: I can't know the place. It was one of my classmates that took me there for the home assignment given to us at school!
FATHER: Alright, where are your books?
GRACE: They are in my friend's place!
OGA, YOUR DAUGHTER NA ASHAWO KOBO-KOBO!
BANKS WORKS GET SMALL ASHAWO SHALL O!
One morning, a pretty looking lady banker came to me to open an account with her bank as l was about to lock my door and go out! And the following ensued between us!
LADY BANKER: Good morning sir. I am a banker from Ogogoro commercial bank. I am here to open it for you so that you can put something. No how small or big it is. But l prefer you put a big thing inside after l opened it for you now-now! You will enjoy our services. I know you have something big inside your trousers there. Just open it and bring out something and put it into it as l open it!
I unzipped my trousers and bring out my big boy! And she said, "That is not what l meant sir! But money for your newly opened account!" And l said to her,"pretty Angel, l will go for the first account after this second account is fulfilled because two accounts are involved here! The two were fulfilled in no time! I love such mornings!
NA JOKE, I DEY O! BUT SMALL TRUTH DEY THE JOKE O!
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