WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF A ROBBER IS CAUGHT STEALING FROM A FELLOW ROBBER?

Na una usual bro, Jack of all trades; master of none!

There was this girlfriend of mine. At a time, people began to tell me that she cheats on me. They told me that once l have gone to work, a guy usual comes to visit her at home.

I decided to catch her red handed. One Monday morning, as l was about to go to work, l told her to go and buy something for me. She always go about with her phone. Two minutes later, l called her that l can no longer wait for her. I told her that l have gone to work and she should keep the thing till l return late in the evening.

I then went under the bed and hide myself with a long sharp cutlass. Soon, she returned and phoned her secret lover. About thirty minutes later, the young man came. They ate and  bathe together. Then they entered bed to enjoy themselves. Then the following ensued between them:

MY GIRLFRIEND: Darling, do you know that my boyfriend is stupid?

SECRET LOVER: More than stupid

MY GIRLFRIEND: Darling, do you know that my boyfriend is hopeless?

SECRET LOVER: More than hopeless

MY GIRLFRIEND: Darling, do you know that my boyfriend is useless?

SECRET LOVER: More than useless

MY GIRLFRIEND: Darling, do you know that my boyfriend is an illiterate?

SECRET LOVER: More than illiterate

I jumped out with the long sharp sparkling cutlass!

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that this cutlass is merciless?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, more than merciless

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that this cutlass is very sharp?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, more than sharp

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that this cutlass is deadly?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, it is deadlier 

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that the cutlass can kill?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, more than a killer.

AND I SAID: Darling, do you know that this cutlass can kill someone?

MY RESPONSE: Yes, it will do that any second from now.

And l held his neck to behead him, but he said, "Bro, you can't do this to me. Remember that when l caught you with my sister red handed in our matrimonial bed, l didn't kill you but forgave you!

Remember that when l caught you pant down with my mother in our matrimonial bed, you begged me to forgive you and that l should not kill you and also not to tell my father and l did just that and forgave you! Can't you see that you can't do me anything?

Can't you see that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander?"

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!

"WHOSOEVER THAT DOESN'T CHANGE WITH TIME WILL BE SWEPT AWAY BY THE TIDE OF CHANGE!"

But the above saying of our forefathers doesn't apply to me!

MY PEOPLE, NA ME UNA OGBOGE GUY MAN, Jack of all trades; master of none!

It is said that for mankind to embrace civilization, we must follow the latest updates and trending activities!

Since the latest updates is fighting in the boxing ring, l decided to join the moving wagon as not be left behind.

Everyday l train by boxing pillows with the latest boxing gloves which l just bought. I watch animals planet and from there l learnt some powerful uppercuts and deadly punches from the likes of the Kangaroos and the praying mantis! With my experiences from these great natural boxers, victory in boxing will always be guaranteed in whatever competition l may embark on!

Just then, a certain rich guy came to me that he wanted me to challenge his opponent in the boxing ring. He promised me a car and a house on winning the competition. My people, from the training which l have so far learnt from the likes of the kangaroos and the mantis, victory was as simple as eating food!

The guy finally appeared. He was hugely built! But l remembered that the highly built Goliath was demolished by the young man David and so l believed that history will definitely replicates itself!

I told him to say his last prayer because no hospital will accept him after the encounter because l will so pieces his body with punches and uppercuts.

But as l walked towards him, l felt like l was flying in the cloud of heaven!  When l finally realized myself, l jumped up and asked the huge crowd l saw surrounded me where is the lazy thing so that l can finish him. It was then the crowd yelled spontaneously "God, we thank you! He is back to life!" 

I asked about my opponent so that l can finish him once and for all and receive my prizes! But they told me that "GAME OVER!"

That l have been in coma for eight days now! That the first uppercut the guy gave me sent me to the land of coma and gave me a permanent shut up! That my case can be compared to that of the resurrected Lazarus in the Bible who came to life after days in the land of the dead.

I asked them that how can he had won me when we have not started. They said that this guy doesn't need to get anywhere closer to his opponent before decimating him or her. That all he needs is just to look at you and the deed is done!

Now, there were about six drips fixed on my body.

As l was still trying to remember everything, l heard the guy's voice saying, "Has he regained consciousness? So that l can send him down to his permanent grave!" 

I jumped up and yank off the drips from my body and l jumped from the high storey building that housed the hospital. As l landed on the hard concreted floor, my body was in pieces and l was rushed to a more sophisticated hospital but l was rejected on the ground that l was broken beyond repairs!

NA there l shout say l go die true-true OOOO!

HUMAN MT.KILIMANJARO!

My people, it is me your trusted guy man, Jack of all trades ;master of none!

To get an ideal wife is not an easy task. When l became matured enough to get married, my parents were hoping that l would soon bring a lady home and introduce her to them but that never happened. They became worried. My mother knew that l love busty ladies and so she brought a certain fat lady for me. I refused her.

My father then brought a fatter lady to me; yet l refused her! I finally got the fattest lady for myself! I brought her to my parents as my choice. They didn't say anything. They just nodded their heads. This lady was about fifteen feet tall and hugely built! They nicknamed her in her street, H.M.K. That's Human Mountain Kilimanjaro.

Then came the day of the marriage. Now, it should be noted here that in our tradition, as a son, your father is expected to give you the most valuable present on your marriage day! No matter how small it may be or whatever thing it may be, it is considered the most valuable present you received that day. I was expecting either a car or a big shop or a huge sum of money as a gift from my father.

When everyone was seated, my father was seen coming and behind him were three young men carrying a ladder. The guests were all very surprised, also was l, because such an occasion has nothing to do with a ladder.

The young men leaned the ladder on the wall and they stood beside it.

My father was the most expected person of the day especially his speech which everybody believes was the head of the ceremony. He mounted the platform and started his address like this: 

Hello distinguished personalities, ladies and gentlemen! You are all specially welcome to this historic occasion. I must confess that the huge crowd here today is a clear demonstration that this is indeed an extraordinary marriage ceremony. I believe that most of you here know me quite well but for the sake of those who don't know me. I am the father of the bridegroom.

Our culture makes it mandatory for me as the father to give him a very precious gift that he won't forget in his entire life time. It is also a gift that would be very helpful to them in the marriage. Now, silver and gold have l not but such have l give l thee. I hereby present this twenty feet long ladder to them as my special gift because l know that they will find it very useful. It is adjustable! 

It will first be useful here any moment from now. Because he has to kiss his bride and the only way to do that is to lean the ladder on her body and climb up. For kissing, he needs to climb the ladder up. For the other room, he can adjust it shorter. Everything between both of them, the ladder must play an important role!  

His mother brought a fat lady to him , he refused her! I brought a fatter lady to him, he refused her too! These were occupied till I come. He got for himself the fattest lady aka occupied till eternity!  I hereby call on the officiating priest to call them out so that the ladder can be placed on where it belongs and let them have a kiss!

Na there l shout say l go die OOOO!

TOURISM BUSINESS BOOMERANG!

NA ME UNA GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

My people, it is not easy to have something doing these days to put food on the table. For about three years, no job. Then I came up with the idea of setting up a zoo and putting lions inside it, so that people can be coming to see the animals. My friends then told that it will not be an easy task to get lions to put in it.

I told them to leave that for me. I went to a museum and hired four lions skins. I then told my friends that they would be putting on the skins and go into the zoo to wait for me. When the tourists had gathered, l went there in my white garment as a clergyman. I began to preach to them that humans are suffering today because of our sins. But if they can do away with sins, then nothing they will not be able to do.

I told them that they should take me for example. That because l have no sin, l can go into the lions' midst and command them to be calm and they will obey me. All the people said it was a lie. They then began to pledge with money. Within five minutes, about a hundred thousand naira had been realized! I then went into the Zoo. As the human lions saw me, they came towards me and l rebuked them saying, "In the name of the holy spirit, l bind your mouths. Be calm and do no harm". They stood still looking at me. From that moment, the people believed that l was a prophet. Infact, another Daniel!

From that day, l opened a worship centre. Come and see free flow of offerings, sowing of seed, special Thanksgiving, paying of vow and titles etc. Before you know it, l have bought a car and a building. Money began to flow YANFU-YANFU! Enjoyment galore! They began to call, me, "The Daniel of our generation!  The ordained miracle prophet", etc. In all these, I never knew that my enemies have used both microscope and telescope to measured my secret!

My accomplices usually go to the zoo around five O'clock in the morning and put on the lions skins before the people will come. On this day, as l got there, one man came to me and said that the holy spirit who gave me the powers to do miracles had also revealed to him that l will die that day! I told him that the God l serve will not permit that. As l turned to look at the crowd their countenance was poor!  There was  this sign of betrayal and mockery in their eyes!

As l was about to enter into the zoo, the lions ran towards me. They roared with a sound that even the thunderbolt would envy! This is a sign that "AN ORIGINAL IS BETTER THAN PHOTOCOPIED"

This was a cleared sign that there was an:

Impending danger!

Impending doom!

Impending catastrophe!

Impending disaster, disastrous!

Infact, an impending death!

I retreated and took to my heels!

I arrived home only for me to see my four accomplices sitting comfortably watching movies!

I asked them what happened. They told me that they went there as usual only for them to be confronted by real live lions! 

Natural lions, not artificial!

Natural lions, not human-lions!

Killer lions not toys!

And they fled for their life. They asked me to either go back to the zoo so that the lions will kill me or they will tell the public all that we have been doing so that the people will beat me to death themselves.They said that they had already shared my properties amongst themselves because they believed that the lions must have killed me! They said that they had inherited my properties and they can't return them again!

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY, "l go die OOOO!

THE MOST REMOTE VILLAGE IN THE FOREST HAS ANOTHER VILLAGE AHEAD OF IT!

MY PEOPLE, NA ME UNA GUY, JACK OF ALL TRADES; MASTER OF NONE!

There was this pretty looking girl, a daughter of an army officer. The girl's name was Hayatu!  

Our love was like that of the face and the mirror. I called it, 'LOVE IN TEXAS!' she looks like an India girl in panshew movie!

But the major obstacle was that she lives in the barracks. Secondly, whenever she comes to our shop to buy things,  escorts follow her. We only communicate when giving her the articles she bought. Trust me, l was able to woo her. She describes a route for me to pass into the barracks to avoid the main quarter guards. She said that on Sundays, her parents usually go out to visit their friends and she then have a swell time watching movies all alone in her room.

Trust me, your guy! That penultimate Sunday, l made it successfully to her room. Her parents were out!  No sooner had l entered into the room, l took off my clothes to cool off in  the air-conditioning. Just then, there was a bang on the door. A baritone voice said from outside, "I know that there is a certain bloody fool in there. It will do you a whole lot of good for you to open the door and come out voluntarily".

I went and hid behind the door with the hope that once the door is opened, l will run out with the speed of a lightning flash. Hayatu then went to open the door. Immediately, she opened the door, the eyes of the military policemen were all focused under the bed. I ran out with a speed that an Israeli jet fighter would have even envied!

But like a proverb of our forefathers which says that, "Once the rabbit finds itself in the midst of the mongooses, its end has come". I ran into the waiting arms of about thirty bloodshot eyes military policemen! The dice was cast!

Like the lamb which is being led to the slaughter, it opens not its mouth!

They first gave me, fifty frog jump! It was quickly followed by peeping with one finger touching the ground and raising up of one leg for an hour. That was quickly followed by sitting in the air. This broke me down completely! My spinal cord almost broke off! I collapsed. They poured water on my body and l revived. As l was begging them to have mercy on me, the worse happened:

A convoy with siren blaring loudly entered into the barracks. Hayatu's parents have returned! The father was surprised to see the crowd. After they had told him everything, he asked me to confess or face the music. I said, "Sir l am ready to dance reggae or disco or juju, apala, ogene or fuji or even highlife blended with country music, no more blues! I am ready to confess every evil, both the ones l did and those which l didn't do". They folded me together! Then they gave me what was known as M.M.O.E.F.  Mass Mobilization Of Extraordinary Floggings. My people, l must confess that l saw my two ears without looking at the mirror!

The music changed entirely as Hayatu's mother came and said, "Officers, it seems to me that you people love this young man a lot. Now, take him to the female gorillas' cage in the zoo so that he can have a good time with those friendly and sexy female gorillas since it is a woman that he wants". 

And l shouted to her saying, "Madam, please l am a human being like you. Don't do that!"

And she said, "Young man. You need a girlfriend and we have them in abundance. My daughter is just a young girl, these are matured ladies for you to enjoy. Happy weekend!"

We soon arrived the zoo. The officers then stripped me naked. O boy as the giant gorillas saw my nude, come see the way them dey happy come dey jump up!

It was then it dawned on me that the rabbit and the smoke can never be friends! 

They all have their name tags! One busty looking female gorilla with heavy back and front came towards me. She has a name tag: DERIKO MAMA. Her mouth was as wide as a well! 

The zoo keeper said to her, "Deriko Mama, come forward please and give this young man a warm and a welcome kiss. He loves women!"

She rushed forward and opened her well like mouth to kiss me:

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY I GO DIE OOOO!