"OTURUGBEKE"

DEAR, OTURUGBEKE. I AM A YOUNG MAN OF TWENTY YEARS OLD. I AM ABOUT TO BE ENLISTED INTO THE NIGERIA NAVY. OUR SECT OF NAVY IS A SPECIAL UNIT WHICH IS MEANT ONLY TO COMBAT MILITANTS AND OIL BUNKERING IN THE NIGER DELTA CREEKS. MY FRIENDS ADVISED ME TO LEARN HOW TO SWIM PROPERLY FIRST BEFORE THE RECRUITMENT DAY. HE ALSO SAID THAT THE NIGER DELTA TERRAIN IS A VERY DIFFICULT ONE WITH SO MANY CREEKS, MAHOGANY TREES AND BOTH FRESHWATER AND SALTWATER SWAMPS. NOW, IN WHICH OF THE RIVERS WILL I LEARN HOW TO SWIM VERY WELL THAT WILL PROVIDE ME A GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO WITHSTAND THE NIGER DELTA TERRAIN? MY FRIENDS SAID THAT I SHOULD GO TO ANY OF THE STANDARD SWIMMING POOLS OR THE BAR BEACH IN LAGOS. HELP ME. FROM MR UMAR AGBANI.           DEAR, MR UMAR, THANK GOD TO HAVE CONSULTED ME FIRST BEFORE TAKING ANY DECISION. DON'T MIND YOUR FRIENDS, THEY ARE ENEMIES OF PROGRESS. THEY JUST WANT YOU TO DIE FOR NOTHING IN STANDARD SWIMMING POOLS OR BAR BEACH. DON'T EVER LISTEN TO THEM. THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU. WE HAVE HELPED HUNDREDS OF NAVY OFFICERS IN THE TIME PAST AND NOW THEY ARE ALL OFFICERS. YOU WILL SOON BECOME AN OFFICER. ANYBODY WHO LISTENS TO OUR ADVICE IS ALREADY AN OFFICER IN ADVANCE! NOW THIS IS WHAT YOU WILL DO. GO TO THE RIVER NIGER AND THE RIVER BENUE. CONTINUE TO SWIM IN IT EVERY NIGHT. SWIM TO THE SPOT WHERE THE TWO RIVERS MEET. THAT PLACE IS VERY SAFE. THEN GO TO THE SIDE WHERE THERE ARE LOTS OF CROCODILES, ALLIGATORS, IGUANAS AND HIPPOPOTAMUS. CONTINUE TO MANOEUVRE BETWEEN THESE ANIMALS. IF YOU CAN DO THIS, THEN YOU ARE ALREADY AN OFFICER BECAUSE THE NIGER DELTA MILITANTS AND THE OIL BUNKERS ARE LIKE CROCODILES, ALLIGATORS AND HIPPOPOTAMUS. THEY ARE THE WATER SQUADRONS. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO CATCH THEN ESPECIALLY IN THE CREEKS. THE MERMAIDS SOMETIMES LEARN SWIMMING FROM THEM. BUT IF YOU CAN OUTSWIM THE CROCODILES AND THE HIPPOPOTAMUS, THEN YOU CAN AS WELL CATCH THEM LIKE A CHILD'S PLAY. CONGRATULATION IN ADVANCE MY YOUNG NAVAL OFFICER. MEANWHILE WRITE YOUR WILL BEFORE YOU GO. IF IT IS ONLY ONE SHIRT, TROUSER AND SLIPPERS THAT YOU HAVE, BETTER WILL IT BEFORE YOU GO! DON'T THANK US, WE ARE MERELY DOING OUR JOB AND THAT IS TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU SUCCEED.