THE FOUNDATION OF STORES! YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS THEM!
COMING UP SOON!
THE FAIRY,
THE FOREST god VERSUS DEATH STING,THE DREADED SEVEN HEADED SPIRIT, THE KING OF THE SPIRITS.
(8) "I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE AVENGED THE DEATH OF MY WIFE FROM THE CITY OF THE DEVILS".
(9) DOUBLE SIN, ETEEM THE ARMED ROBBER
"WHEN DARKNESS COMES AT NOON, THE DEAD REMEMBER NOT THE EARTH, LET ME GO".
THE EXPLOITS OF THE GIANT!
THE WITCHES AND THE WIZARDS ABANDONED THEIR PHYSICAL BODIES AND FLED TO THEIR COVENS AS GOZNARA GONE BERSERK!
NOWHERE TO HIDE!
"MY LAST ARROW, MY LIFE; THIS IS THE END!"
(12) DEATH STING ARHAKAH 1
A DAY THE HUMANS SURPRISED THE SPIRITS
A REMARKABLE DAY AT THE SPIRITS' WRESTLING GROUND
WHICH THEY WILL NOT FORGET IN A HURRY
THE DEADLY TREE VERSUS THE IROKO TREE!
NO TREE DARES THE AFRICAN DEADLY TREE TO A DUEL
THE STRANGE SEVEN TAILED MONKEY AND THE JUNGLE DRAMA
THE STREAM OF TEARS!
MADOPO DEMAHADA THE ABODE OF THE MAD
NEVER AGAIN SHALL IT BE!
THE SPIRITUALISTS OF JAMATA CHALLENGED THE GODS AS OGRIKI AND HIS COLLEAGUES HAD ONLY SEVEN DAYS TO LIVE. THE GODS NEVER LIED, THEY HAD SPOKEN
(17) ARINI THE DEAD SPIRIT
THE POWERS OF THE DEAD
EVEN THE SPIRITUAL ABODE WEPT
(18) GROUND REFUSES HER BODY
THE GREAT AJAKAJA'S PREDICTION
LAUGH CRIES AS HAPPINESS OPENS NOT HER LIPS
" WHOSOEVER LOOKS INTO MY EYEBALLS SHALL NEVER SEE ANY GOOD ".
(20) YELA, THE MAN WHO VOWED TO COME BACK FROM THE LAND OF THE DEAD TO CARE FOR HIS CHILDREN.
DID HE REALLY SUCCEED?
DISTINGUISHED LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER THAT WHEN THE SUN APPROACHES THE HORIZON THEN BOTH THE FARMER AND THE PARROT MUST RETURN HOME.
" DOCTOR, PLEASE WHERE ARE YOUR FEET? "
One day, l took my wife to see a medical doctor because she wasn't feeling too fine. After we have taken card, we were given a seat. We sat there waiting for the doctor. Then, he finally arrived! We were the first to be attended to. My wife told him how she was feeling. He asked her to follow him into the examination room.
I was watching them from under the curtain. I saw my wife's feet and that of the doctor closer to each other. Little while l didn't see my wife's feet again, only the doctor's feet l saw. I knew that she was lying on the bed and the doctor was examining her. Little while, l didn't see the doctor's feet again! I was disturbed and l ran into the room shouting, "Doctor! Doctor!! Where are your feet?"
Then l saw that he went to another inner room to get an instrument! You see guys, don't blame me too much because when a man and a woman are standing near a bed and suddenly you don't see the woman's feet again means she is lying on the bed. If the man's feet also suddenly disappeared means he has also climbed the bed to join her for the action.
You see, the best profession is to be a doctor! I chose the wrong career for not being a doctor!
You see, it is only doctor who can say to eithet the Queen, President's wife, governor or minister's wife, "Your majesty or your Excellency, please lie down on the bed and take off your clothes; it seems you are having some complications. Let me examine you".
When she has undressed, the doctor would look at her seductive body and salivate codedly. He would first touch her breasts, press and fond with them for a while and he would say, "There is an obscure lump in your breasts. This is a sign of an incoming cancer but not to worry, l will clear it right away". He would then go to the engine between the thighs!
He would press its soft surface and say, "Do you feel little pains when urinating? Or do you feel pains during your monthly flow?"
Obviously, you know women, she will say, "Exactly doctor".
That is giving a powerful sword to a strong man! And the doctor would touch and press it again.
Holy Moses! This is sitting on the chair of heaven without first dying! He would say, "Don't worry, you would be alright. You came at the right time because it hasn't gotten to the complicated stage. Now put on your dress Your Majesty and let me give you drugs!"
Meanwhile, he has seen the unseen and touched the untouchable! What a wonderful profession that l missed. Only the fringe benefits are enormous!
REMEMBER, IT IS JUST A JOKE!
KATIARA DON TIE KATIABA GO KASANARA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT!
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN, "DEM GIVE AM BELLE, SHE DON CARRY BELLE AND SHE DON GET BELLE!"
FOR THE SAKE OF THOSE WHO ARE NOT AFRICANS.
THE PIDGIN ENGLISH IS OUR MAJOR LINGUAL FRANCA!
TRY AND STUDY IT WITH THE BELOW.
There are three ways in which a woman can become pregnant in our local lingual franca.
THESE ARE:
(1) DEM GIVE AM BELLE
(2) SHE DON CARRY BELLE
(3) SHE DON GET BELLE
The total breakdown is as follows:
The first one which is: DEM GIVE AM BELLE means that the said lady became pregnant with about ten or more men in contention. To be able to determine the true owner of the pregnancy, DNA is needed if not, no definite father but there are suspects! Her mother has to embark on a door to door of bachelors to ask the most embarrassing question on earth. That is, "Bros, l beg don't be annoy. My foolish daughter said she befriended you sometimes ago. And now she is pregnant hence we are here to beg you to tell us the truth".
The two first replies she may likely get are: MADAM, GET OUT OF HERE NOW NOW, WITH YOUR ASHAWO PINKIN IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAB YOU WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE or MADAM NOR BE ONLY ME O, WE PLENTY WEY DEY NACK AM O! GO FRONT OTHER GUYS STILL DEY THERE".
Can any embarrassment be more than this?
How would you know where you got what you did not know when it happened? Impossible!
The second one which is: SHE DON CARRY BELLE is even worse because it means she has nobody to pin the pregnancy on! That means no hope as a result of ANYHOW WAKA-WAKA ABOUT OR CHEERFUL GIVER! She should be ready to shoulder the responsibilities all alone because no suspect! No need for the mother to make a move because everyday MALLAM ABOKI SUYA MEAT POINT and FRIED CHICKEN WITH YAM or BARBECUED JOINTS!
She nor know where she for carry the gift WEY big pass am!
That kind of pinkin na him mama papa name he dey answer for school.
The third which is: SHE DON GET BELLE is exactly a blessing! Yes, this is a blessing from God! When a woman is legally married and she becomes pregnant, we say, "SHE DON GET BELLE". This is the blessing that every married woman prays for!
MY BIG SISTER WEY DEY LOOK ME WITH YOUR BIG NAKED EYES WEY NOR GET MONEY TO BUY PANT WEAR, NA WHICH ONE BE YOUR OWN?
FIRST OR SECOND OR THIRD?
I STILL DEY WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWER O!
OGOLOTO DON TIE IGELEKE GO IGALAKA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT AGAIN O!
NA WHO GO COME PAY AM NOW?
There was this couple who always quarrel over love making. One day the man indulged in an extramarital affair with a lady. When he returned home, the following ensued between him and his wife.
HUSBAND: Today, l experienced the best drink on earth and exactly like the name, the difference is cleared. The bottle was round and the content was so juicy! Again and again, l repeat; the difference is cleared! No two ways about it.
The wife immediately suspected that her husband had gone out to sleep with another woman hence he used the word, "The difference is cleared". She also decided do her own. She also indulged in an extramarital affair. When she got home, she too bragged saying, "Yes, l have also tasted the drink name the difference is cleared. And actually the difference of this drink is cleared from the regular one l was used to. The bottle is so big, round and juicy! I love it!"
The husband became very angry and he summoned a general family meeting. On the day of the judgment after the eldest member of the family had listened to their statements, he thought that what they tasted was the 7UP drink which has the inscription: 'THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR'
And he said, "Our son and our daughter. Both of you have really done well by drinking the difference is clear. I have taken it before and l am encouraging all of you here to continue to taste of it. Don't do without it. In the morning, afternoon and evening, three times a day. So l congratulate both of you for this wonderful discovery.
After you have taken it you will never go to your former tasteless and old-fashioned local stuff again. Since both of you have tasted it, and you love it,
Continue on it daily, l assured you that both of you have gotten my blessing for you to continue ceaselessly!
And the couple said, "Sir, are you encouraging us to continue drinking the difference is clear?"
And he said, "Exactly! It is good for both of you."
THE COUPLE COLLAPSED
" THIS MIRACLE WAS MORE ACCURATE THAN THE WATER THAT WAS TURNED INTO WINE AT A MARRIAGE CEREMONY IN CANAAN"
There this area in Nigeria in the 70s known as ,"NO PADDY IN JUNGLE " It was known for its notoriety! All the ranks and titles of the areas boys go there to plan their various robbery activities. THE OKPODU, KAKO, OSTAKO, IWHIUS, ATIKO, OGBOLOGBOS ETC. Even if you abandoned your excrements there, it would be stolen! There was a woman selling alcohol and Indian helm aka lgbo alias wewe at this spot. It was a beehive of criminality!
When the criminals have robbed, they go there to drink and share their loots! The then military governor of the state decided to put a stop to it!
One morning a big caravan was brought and placed at the edge of the forest. There were photographs of air-conditioning, television sets, refrigerators, video machines, pressing irons, fans etc on it indicating that they were the gadgets inside!
When the area boys saw it, they raised up their hands and thanked God. "We are in money guys! This night we are going to work on it. Man must wack. No slacking", they shouted joyfully.
That night they came to burgle it. The leader of the gang led his men down. After they had broken the locks they opened it with joy to pack the goods. But they came face to face with fully armed soldiers! They retreated. The leader of the gang fled and climbed a wall hoping to jump down on the other side of the road and escape. But as he jumped down to the other side of the road, he landed directly inside a parked land rover surrounded by fierce looking mobile policemen fully armed! He looked them round and he closed his eyes.
And one of the policemen said to him, "Mr man, what pursued you to have jumped the high fence this night and fell into our vehicle?" And the leader of the gang said, "Sir, l have never seen this type of miracle before or heard about it. Anyways, you people should better shoot me to death because l can never open my mouth to tell you what actually happened. It is too shameful!"
REMEMBER THAT "A BRAVE WARRIOR NEVER TURNS HIS BACK ON THE BATTLE AT THE DRUMS OF WAR!"
THOSE WHO LIVE NEAR THE RIVER MUST NOT GET DRUNK!
This dialogue ensued between a father and his fifteen years old daughter.
FATHER: Come here Esther. What is this you are doing? A boy holding your hand? Abomination! You are in trouble!
ESTHER: But daily l see you wrestling with the housemaid in the kitchen but l never challenge you. Even when you floor her!
FATHER: No my daughter, you misunderstood me. I mean both of you should be doing it inside the bedroom so that nobody will sees you.
DAUGHTER: Dad, are you encouraging me to be having an affair with a man at this tender age?
FATHER: Honestly my daughter l am confused! All that l need now is what will makes you happy so that the night guard will not expose his dream because the exposure of the night guard's dreams will definitely leads to his sack!
My daughter, please cover your mouth! My reputation is at stake!
EX RAYING THE PUNISHMENT FOR INDECENT DRESSING OFFENDERS!
Now, a secret debate was held on what punishment should be given to any female caught dressed indecently.
GROUP A IS THE OPINIONS OF THE VARIOUS LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES.
GROUP B IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG BACHELORS.
GROUP C IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED WOMEN.
GROUP D IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED MEN.
GROUP E IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG SPINSTERS.
NOW, GROUP A VERSUS GROUP B VERSUS GROUP C VERSUS GROUP D VERSUS GROUP E.
WHICH OF THEM DO YOU LIKE TO JOIN?
REMEMBER SAY ENJOYMENT NOR GET BONE O
AND AWOOF DEY RUN BELLE O!
The followings are the various groups submissions.
GROUP A, LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three of them to enjoy her for twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.
GROUP B, YOUNG BACHELORS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three young bachelors to enjoy her for at least twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.
GROUP C, MARRIED WOMEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be flogged mercilessly for about five good minutes and then release to go.
GROUP E, MARRIED MEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be stripped naked and allowed to go home in nude.
GROUP E, YOUNG SPINSTERS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be made to pay a fine of a hundred thousand naira.
My people, why una dey look me with una big naked eyes wey nor wear pant?
I don already chose my option and una know me say na enjoyment side naim l dey like. But l nor say make dem rape anybody O!
But sha 0, l like to enjoy O!
It is because of this cold rainy season that makes me love the work of the law enforcement agency.
Imagine to load yourselves into an Hilux van and swoop on a crowd of beautiful looking commercial sex workers and arrest all of them. Then quote the backside of the constitution to them which says, "Thou shall not spread HIV/AIDS!" The punishment is either they pay in cash or in kind with immediate alacrity! ALL HAIL ME, The grammatical enigma! The fringe benefit of the uniform is enormous!
During this rainy season beautiful looking female prisoners don't spend the nights in their various prison cells with their ugly colleagues! My question be say, na how manage wey female prisoner come take carry belle come born for prison? Na spirit abi na juju give am belle?
I BEG O, NA JOKE I DEY, NOR BE REAL O!
BUT SENSE DEY MY JOKE SHA O!