AFRICA NATURAL STORIES

One day, l took my wife to see a medical doctor because she wasn't feeling too fine. After we have taken card, we were given a seat. We sat there waiting for the doctor. Then, he finally arrived! We were the first to be attended to. My wife told him how she was feeling. He asked her to follow him into the examination room.

I was watching them from under the curtain. I saw my wife's feet and that of the doctor closer to each other. Little while l didn't see my wife's feet again, only the doctor's feet l saw. I knew that she was lying on the bed and the doctor was examining her. Little while, l didn't see the doctor's feet again! I was disturbed and l ran into the room shouting, "Doctor! Doctor!! Where are your feet?"

Then l saw that he went to another inner room to get an instrument! You see guys, don't blame me too much because when a man and a woman are standing near a bed and suddenly you don't see the woman's feet again means she is lying on the bed. If the man's feet also suddenly disappeared means he has also climbed the bed to join her for the action.

You see, the best profession is to be a doctor! I chose the wrong career for not being a doctor!

You see, it is only doctor who can say to eithet the Queen, President's wife, governor or minister's wife, "Your majesty or your Excellency, please lie down on the bed and take off your clothes; it seems you are having some complications. Let me examine you".

When she has undressed, the doctor would look at her seductive body and salivate codedly. He would first touch her breasts, press and fond with them for a while and he would say, "There is an obscure lump in your breasts. This is a sign of an incoming cancer but not to worry, l will clear it right away". He would then go to the engine between the thighs!

He would press its soft surface and say, "Do you feel little pains when urinating? Or do you feel pains during your monthly flow?"

Obviously, you know women, she will say, "Exactly doctor".

That is giving a powerful sword to a strong man! And the doctor would touch and press it again.

Holy Moses! This is sitting on the chair of heaven without first dying! He would say, "Don't worry, you would be alright. You came at the right time because it hasn't gotten to the complicated stage. Now put on your dress Your Majesty and let me give you drugs!"

Meanwhile, he has seen the unseen and touched the untouchable! What a wonderful profession that l missed. Only the fringe benefits are enormous!

REMEMBER, IT IS JUST A JOKE!

KATIARA DON TIE KATIABA GO KASANARA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT!

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN, "DEM GIVE AM BELLE, SHE DON CARRY BELLE AND SHE DON GET BELLE!"

FOR THE SAKE OF THOSE WHO ARE NOT AFRICANS.

THE PIDGIN ENGLISH IS OUR MAJOR LINGUAL FRANCA!

TRY AND STUDY IT WITH THE BELOW.

There are three ways in which a woman can become pregnant in our local lingual franca.

THESE ARE:

(1) DEM GIVE AM BELLE

(2) SHE DON CARRY BELLE

(3) SHE DON GET BELLE

The total breakdown is as follows:

The first one which is: DEM GIVE AM BELLE means that the said lady became pregnant with about ten or more men in contention. To be able to determine the true owner of the pregnancy, DNA is needed if not, no definite father but there are suspects! Her mother has to embark on a door to door of bachelors to ask the most embarrassing question on earth. That is, "Bros, l beg don't be annoy. My foolish daughter said she befriended you sometimes ago. And now she is pregnant hence we are here to beg you to tell us the truth".

The two first replies she may likely get are: MADAM, GET OUT OF HERE NOW NOW, WITH YOUR ASHAWO PINKIN IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAB YOU WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE or MADAM NOR BE ONLY ME O, WE PLENTY WEY DEY NACK AM O! GO FRONT OTHER GUYS STILL DEY THERE".

Can any embarrassment be more than this?

How would you know where you got what you did not know when it happened? Impossible!

The second one which is: SHE DON CARRY BELLE is even worse because it means she has nobody to pin the pregnancy on! That means no hope as a result of ANYHOW WAKA-WAKA ABOUT OR CHEERFUL GIVER! She should be ready to shoulder the responsibilities all alone because no suspect! No need for the mother to make a move because everyday MALLAM ABOKI SUYA MEAT POINT and FRIED CHICKEN WITH YAM or BARBECUED JOINTS!

She nor know where she for carry the gift WEY big pass am!

That kind of pinkin na him mama papa name he dey answer for school.

The third which is: SHE DON GET BELLE is exactly a blessing! Yes, this is a blessing from God! When a woman is legally married and she becomes pregnant, we say, "SHE DON GET BELLE". This is the blessing that every married woman prays for!

MY BIG SISTER WEY DEY LOOK ME WITH YOUR BIG NAKED EYES WEY NOR GET MONEY TO BUY PANT WEAR, NA WHICH ONE BE YOUR OWN?

FIRST OR SECOND OR THIRD?

I STILL DEY WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWER O!

OGOLOTO DON TIE IGELEKE GO IGALAKA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT AGAIN O!

NA WHO GO COME PAY AM NOW?

There was this couple who always quarrel over love making. One day the man indulged in an extramarital affair with a lady. When he returned home, the following ensued between him and his wife.

HUSBAND: Today, l experienced the best drink on earth and exactly like the name, the difference is cleared. The bottle was round and the content was so juicy! Again and again, l repeat; the difference is cleared! No two ways about it.

The wife immediately suspected that her husband had gone out to sleep with another woman hence he used the word, "The difference is cleared". She also decided do her own. She also indulged in an extramarital affair. When she got home, she too bragged saying, "Yes, l have also tasted the drink name the difference is cleared. And actually the difference of this drink is cleared from the regular one l was used to. The bottle is so big, round and juicy! I love it!"

The husband became very angry and he summoned a general family meeting. On the day of the judgment after the eldest member of the family had listened to their statements, he thought that what they tasted was the 7UP drink which has the inscription: 'THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR'

And he said, "Our son and our daughter. Both of you have really done well by drinking the difference is clear. I have taken it before and l am encouraging all of you here to continue to taste of it. Don't do without it. In the morning, afternoon and evening, three times a day. So l congratulate both of you for this wonderful discovery.

After you have taken it you will never go to your former tasteless and old-fashioned local stuff again. Since both of you have tasted it, and you love it,

Continue on it daily, l assured you that both of you have gotten my blessing for you to continue ceaselessly!

And the couple said, "Sir, are you encouraging us to continue drinking the difference is clear?"

And he said, "Exactly! It is good for both of you."

THE COUPLE COLLAPSED

" THIS MIRACLE WAS MORE ACCURATE THAN THE WATER THAT WAS TURNED INTO WINE AT A MARRIAGE CEREMONY IN CANAAN"

There this area in Nigeria in the 70s known as ,"NO PADDY IN JUNGLE " It was known for its notoriety! All the ranks and titles of the areas boys go there to plan their various robbery activities. THE OKPODU, KAKO, OSTAKO, IWHIUS, ATIKO, OGBOLOGBOS ETC. Even if you abandoned your excrements there, it would be stolen! There was a woman selling alcohol and Indian helm aka lgbo alias wewe at this spot. It was a beehive of criminality!

When the criminals have robbed, they go there to drink and share their loots! The then military governor of the state decided to put a stop to it!

One morning a big caravan was brought and placed at the edge of the forest. There were photographs of air-conditioning, television sets, refrigerators, video machines, pressing irons, fans etc on it indicating that they were the gadgets inside!

When the area boys saw it, they raised up their hands and thanked God. "We are in money guys! This night we are going to work on it. Man must wack. No slacking", they shouted joyfully.

That night they came to burgle it. The leader of the gang led his men down. After they had broken the locks they opened it with joy to pack the goods. But they came face to face with fully armed soldiers! They retreated. The leader of the gang fled and climbed a wall hoping to jump down on the other side of the road and escape. But as he jumped down to the other side of the road, he landed directly inside a parked land rover surrounded by fierce looking mobile policemen fully armed! He looked them round and he closed his eyes.

And one of the policemen said to him, "Mr man, what pursued you to have jumped the high fence this night and fell into our vehicle?" And the leader of the gang said, "Sir, l have never seen this type of miracle before or heard about it. Anyways, you people should better shoot me to death because l can never open my mouth to tell you what actually happened. It is too shameful!"

REMEMBER THAT "A BRAVE WARRIOR NEVER TURNS HIS BACK ON THE BATTLE AT THE DRUMS OF WAR!"

THOSE WHO LIVE NEAR THE RIVER MUST NOT GET DRUNK!

This dialogue ensued between a father and his fifteen years old daughter.

FATHER: Come here Esther. What is this you are doing? A boy holding your hand? Abomination! You are in trouble!

ESTHER: But daily l see you wrestling with the housemaid in the kitchen but l never challenge you. Even when you floor her!

FATHER: No my daughter, you misunderstood me. I mean both of you should be doing it inside the bedroom so that nobody will sees you.

DAUGHTER: Dad, are you encouraging me to be having an affair with a man at this tender age?

FATHER: Honestly my daughter l am confused! All that l need now is what will makes you happy so that the night guard will not expose his dream because the exposure of the night guard's dreams will definitely leads to his sack!

My daughter, please cover your mouth! My reputation is at stake!

EX RAYING THE PUNISHMENT FOR INDECENT DRESSING OFFENDERS!

Now, a secret debate was held on what punishment should be given to any female caught dressed indecently.

GROUP A IS THE OPINIONS OF THE VARIOUS LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES.

GROUP B IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG BACHELORS.

GROUP C IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED WOMEN.

GROUP D IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED MEN.

GROUP E IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG SPINSTERS.

NOW, GROUP A VERSUS GROUP B VERSUS GROUP C VERSUS GROUP D VERSUS GROUP E.

WHICH OF THEM DO YOU LIKE TO JOIN?

REMEMBER SAY ENJOYMENT NOR GET BONE O

AND AWOOF DEY RUN BELLE O!

The followings are the various groups submissions.

GROUP A, LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three of them to enjoy her for twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.

GROUP B, YOUNG BACHELORS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three young bachelors to enjoy her for at least twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.

GROUP C, MARRIED WOMEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be flogged mercilessly for about five good minutes and then release to go.

GROUP E, MARRIED MEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be stripped naked and allowed to go home in nude.

GROUP E, YOUNG SPINSTERS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be made to pay a fine of a hundred thousand naira.

My people, why una dey look me with una big naked eyes wey nor wear pant?

I don already chose my option and una know me say na enjoyment side naim l dey like. But l nor say make dem rape anybody O!

But sha 0, l like to enjoy O!

It is because of this cold rainy season that makes me love the work of the law enforcement agency.

Imagine to load yourselves into an Hilux van and swoop on a crowd of beautiful looking commercial sex workers and arrest all of them. Then quote the backside of the constitution to them which says, "Thou shall not spread HIV/AIDS!" The punishment is either they pay in cash or in kind with immediate alacrity! ALL HAIL ME, The grammatical enigma! The fringe benefit of the uniform is enormous!

During this rainy season beautiful looking female prisoners don't spend the nights in their various prison cells with their ugly colleagues! My question be say, na how manage wey female prisoner come take carry belle come born for prison? Na spirit abi na juju give am belle?

I BEG O, NA JOKE I DEY, NOR BE REAL O!

BUT SENSE DEY MY JOKE SHA O!

THE FULFILLMENT OF THE DREAM

A certain young man had a dream that he made love to a lady who was his archenemy. He enjoyed everything. And so when he woke up he told his best friend about the dream and how he enjoyed it. He also told his friend that he believes she will also agree for them to do it in the physical. But his friend warned him not to go to her and tell her but to keep it within himself because such a dream may be a sign of evil. But he refused and he went to the lady and said "So even with this our enmity you still allowed me to enjoy you? Why didn't you come to me directly and tell me that you love me instead of using fake enmity to coverup? That means, our enmity is only physical not spiritual. Can we have it in physical? Because it is said that "The spiritual controls the physical" That means, since we have done it in the spiritual, the physical will be a child's play.

You were so wonderful dear; tossing me up and down. I almost lost the gravity of my Modula oblongata. Should we go into your room or right here in your shop? I am ever prepared "

Now, the lady understood exactly what he said and so she held him by his trousers and she shouted for help. A crowd soon gathered and she narrated what the guy said. The guy was stripped naked and paraded round the village. They branded him a wizard!

N:B. A night guard must not speak about his unfortunate dreams or else, he would lose his job!

"THE FISH IS BIGGER THAN THE NET".

There was this young man who met a lady on the social media. They began to chat each other. This guy is Off! fraudster.

But he told the lady that he works in an oil company. After about three months of an intensive charting, they decided to meet themselves physically. They also agreed that she will pass the night in the guy's house. But the lady insisted that they should first meet themselves in the premises of a certain Church on Sunday evening.

That evening at 5pm, the guy went to the church premises only for him to see a police armoured car with a dozen of red beret policemen and women fully armed. He retreated and stood behind a car by the road side. He then called the lady. She replied him that she was almost there. He told her not to come into the Church premises because an important activities was taking place there.

Five minutes later, a convoy with siren blaring out loudly drove into the premises. And a policewoman alighted from one of the escorts cars and she opened the door of one of the Jeeps and a paragon of beauty lady stepped out and all the police present their rifles in a general salute. She then unzipped her bag and brought out her phone and she made a call and immediately the guy's phone rang.

The guy answered the caller and a feminine voice was heard saying, "Sweetheart, where are you? I am there now"

And the guy said out of fear and trembling body, "You! You! You, mean! Mean! You! You! Are! Are there? I! I! Am! Am! Seriously! Ly! Ly! Sicckk! Sick! I had! Had! A terririble accicident and and my head head is off! Off my my body! Bye! Bye! I can't use my two naked eyes without pants on to enter prison O!"

Thursday, 13 March 2025

"ANOTHER LESSON WHICH THE POLICE WILL NEVER FORGET IN A HURRY! ( Part Two )

Once upon a time, there was this police roadblock along a popular busy road. This road is very crucial owing to the fact that it leads to eight rural commercial villages.

People come from far and near to buy meat, garri, plantains, cocoyams, yams, fish, crabs, crayfish, oysters and many others edibles in these villages markets!

Because of the commercial activities in these villages, the police makes a brisk business in the roadblock. Many of the commercial vehicles overload their vehicles with goods and since they knew that it is an offence, they come down to settle the police before passing. Daily, the police makes fortune at this roadblock!

At a time, their activities was reported to their Superior officer and he began to monitor them by paying an unscheduled visit to the checkpoint. On such a visit, he checks all their pockets for money. Woe to any officer whom a large sum of money is found in his pockets!

Because of this the policemen at the roadblock device a tactics. Behind the roadblock is a thick forest with mighty trees! They bought a wide and deep plastic container with a cover. They hid it behind a tree. Whatever money they got, they keep it inside. Then came a time of crisis between two of these villages. A lot of gunrunners began to supply weapons to the two warring communities!

Because of this, the crisis lingered on for a very long time.

And so the authority deployed a detachment of soldiers to this very roadblock to check the movement of arms into the villages. Most of the soldiers were deployed directly to the warring communities. Only seven soldiers were deployed to the roadblock to join the police. The soldiers sat down while the police did the collection of money.

In the evening when they are to handover duty, all of them would go to where the container is and open it in the presence of everyone of them and share the money amongst themselves, But later, the police saw it as a cheat for them to do the collection only for them to share the money with the soldiers. And so, towards the evenings, when they are about to handover duty, any of the police who takes money to keep in the container would pack a substantial amount from the money and hide it far.

When they had shared the money in the container and the soldiers gone, they would quickly bring out the ones they have hidden and share it among themselves. After all, monkeys can't be working and bamboos are eating!

But very soon, the soldiers found out secretly what the police are doing! And they decided to beat the police to their game. One day, they have a huge amount of money because that was the day after peace was brokered between the two warring communities and they lay down their arms!

For the first time after about a year, commercial activities resume in these two communities again!

That was why they got a huge amount of money that day.

Now, towards the evening hours, one of the soldiers with a motorcycle told them that he wanted to go to a neighbouring village to buy palm wine. When he had gone far, he parked off the road and trust soldiers when it comes to sneaking! He crawled through the forest down to the roadblock and moved to the container. He took a big sack along and he emptied the whole money into the sack and placed the container back in its position and covered it.

He crawled back to his motorcycle and rode off!

He gave the sack to the lady who sells the palm wine to keep for him. He told her that it contains his property and nothing should come closer to where she keeps it.

He then rode down to the roadblock with a keg of fresh palm wine which they all enjoyed!

Then, came the zero hour! The hour when all of them usually go into the bush to share the money.

On getting there, the police opens it with much enthusiasm because that was the day they made the highest money. But alas, no money!

It was like a miracle or better still a horror movie that is not real!

They continue to stare at one another as to what is actually happening? Where is all the money?

Then the soldiers pretended to be angry. They told the police that they are the ones who usually go there to keep the money; which means they have to account for the missing money. But in all these, the seven soldiers knew what they have done. The police then begged them to exercise a little patient with them that when they received their salary at the month end, they would from it give them their share. The police finally received their salary. They took from each of their salary to pay the soldiers.

Meanwhile that day, after closing, the soldiers went to the woman's shop and collected the money which they shared among themselves with each of them getting a whooping amount that could be up to their salaries of two years then!

The police smelt rat! They suspected that the soldiers may have something to do with the missing money because for years they have been keeping money there, they had never lost a dine! They then decided not to be posted together with the soldiers again. They formed another roadblock far off from the soldiers.

Now with the police gone, the soldiers found it difficult to stand on the road to collect money from motorists.

They then found a young man of about twenty years of age. They gave him a camouflage T-shirt and a cap. He stands on the road to collect money for the soldiers. He became very proud in his area. He moves around with pride putting on the camouflage T-shirt and cap. He talks to people with impunity! Like the saying that "When you give a local man uniform, he becomes a problem to his community". Some of the community's elders went to the young Man's mother to complain to her about her son's attitude. They told her to caution him.

But she became angry with them. She said that the villagers were jealous because her son was chosen to be among the soldiers. She asked them to go and drown in the sea because her son was already a soldier. She went and told the soldiers about all that the villagers are saying. The soldiers came to warn the villagers.They said that the villagers should know that the young man is a soldier and that means his mother should be respected and treated with dignity because she is a mother of a soldier man. When the soldiers had gone, she told them that she has been vindicated when she referred to her son as a soldier because the soldiers themselves have confirmed it.

She began to mock at the people with the following song:

As E dey pain dem, E dey sweet us! As E dey sweet us, E dey pain them. Fools! Your useless sons are not even fit for common voluntary organizations such as boyscout and MAN' O WAR BAY. Whether they like it or not, he is already a soldier!

The police reported the soldiers' and the boy's activities to the military authority. The head of the military then beams his searchlight on the activities of the soldiers at the roadblock by paying an unscheduled visit to the roadblock regularly. One day, he was in his car coming towards the roadblock when he ran into a chaotic traffic jam! He enquires from motorists on what was causing the gridlock. They told him that it was as a result of the military roadblock. He got down from his car and walks down to the roadblock only for him to see this young man collecting money from motorists.

He asked him if he was a soldier man to which he says he was not. He asks him where did he get the camouflage T-shirt and cap from. He said that they were given to him by the soldiers for him to collect money for them. He turns towards the soldiers who were all presenting their arms in a general salute! They denied knowing the young man let alone to have given camouflage T-shirt and cap to him to collect money for them. He then commands the soldiers to fire him since he is denting the image of the military.

In a second, they open fire on him and he died flat!

Now, when the commander of the army had gone, the soldiers went to the young man's mother. They told her that as being a soldier man goes with dignity and pride, also does it go with death. They told her that her son died in a crossfire with enemies. That is, he died in an active service to his father's land. She asks them when would the government pay her, his son's gratuity as a force man who died in an active service. They told her that he is an unknown soldier because his name hasn't been sent to army headquarters. That means he was pre-korofo. That is suffer-suffer for world, zombie of no recognition!

She collapsed on the macadamized thoroughfare and the villagers burst into what they called, "He who laughs last, laughs best. As E dey sweet us, E dey pain them. Omo, as E dey pain them, E dey sweet us!"

THAT IS THE END OF THIS STORY!

AFRICA NATURAL STORIES

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Saturday, 21 June 2025

AFRICAN LIBRARY, THE HOME OF WONDERFUL STORIES

THE FOUNDATION OF STORES! YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS THEM!

THE FULFILLMENT OF THE DREAM

"THE FISH IS BIGGER THAN THE NET".

Thursday, 13 March 2025

"ANOTHER LESSON WHICH THE POLICE WILL NEVER FORGET IN A HURRY! ( Part Two )

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