A FUNNY WAR STRATEGY WITNESSED DURING THE NIGERIAN CIVIL WAR!

NOV, 2nd 2025, 9:46am

During the Nigerian civil war, some army officers came to our village to hunt for young men to be recruited into the army. They gathered about eighteen boys and left with them. We became jealous of those selected and taken away. We began to pray that we should also be taken to join the army. We loved to put on the uniform and become respected by everyone. Two days later, they came again and selected about forty boys and left with them.

We then decided to make ourselves available whenever they come again. But our love for the army was immediately dashed when a man who deserted the army told us that all the boys so far taken away have been killed in the war hence himself had to run for his dear life. He told us that they will come again and again to look for young men and boys to be recruited into the army! We decided to run and hide ourselves in the forest. We did that, yet they combed the forest and caught some of my friends and it became cleared to me that there was nowhere to hide.

I then decided on a trick. I applied an evostic gum on my eyes so that my eyes will be covered because l was told that they don't recruit blind people! In no time they caught me. I told them that l was blind from birth and l can't see. The commander told me that all l need is to make sure that my rifle points at the enemies' position and that whenever l perceive or heard any strange noise, l should continue to fire.

I told him that l can't see the trigger. He told me that he would personally takes me to the warfront and place me on the front line with my rifle pointing towards the enemies' position. But l argued with him that one of my major challenges was to know who is an enemy and who is a friend. He told me that once an enemy comes closer to me, my body's chemistry will detects it and the pointed nozzle of the rifle will becomes fully erect as it will points towards the enemy!

I still argued that l can't detect an enemy. He then asked me to take off my clothes and remain totally naked! He took me into a room and he blindfolded me with an extra thick material! Twenty minutes later, l began to feel sexy with a great ecstasy! My manhood became fully erect and it points towards the door. But l didn't hear any noise. 

Suddenly, l heard the voice of the commander from the door. He asked me why was my manhood fully erect and nodding repeatedly. I told him that the chemistry of my body gave my manhood a sign that its food was around! Then, he told me that a beautiful looking lady in nude has been sitting closer to me in the room for the past twenty minutes hence my body's chemistry reacted the way it did.

He then told me that the same way my body's chemistry detected that a female in nude was closer to me and my manhood became ready, erect and pointed to the position of the lady would also be the same way my rifle would automatically points to the enemies' position whenever they are close by and mine is continue to fire. And he said, "Now, take your uniform and put it on, here is your rifle and let us go!" 

NA THERE I SHOUT SAY,  "I GO DIE O!"

N:B, WHEN A HOUSEWIFE CONSTANTLY ASKS HER HUSBAND IF THEIR ANCESTORS ARE STILL ACTIVE, SHOWS THAT ADULTERY IS AT THE CORNER!

TO BE DECORATED WITH A RANK THAT IS ABOVE THAT OF THE INSPECTOR GENERAL OF POLICE IS NOT EASY AT ALL!

Once upon a time, there was a daredevil armed robber who was wanted by the police, dead or alive! He hid himself in a certain estate! All efforts by the police to arrest him failed. Besides,  he had killed a lot of policemen as well as civilians! He was fully armed! 

Then one day, the police authority made a pledged that any officer who can arrest him dead or alive would be decorated with a rank above that of the IGP. This prompted many officers to try their luck. But many of them were killed while some managed to escaped with various degrees of injuries!

Then one day, a very pretty looking female police officer told her colleagues that she would be the first to decorated with the rank that is above that of the IGP because she would go into the estate and bring this daredevil armed robber down to the station in handcuffs. She told her colleagues that she would prove to the world that what a man can't do, a woman could it better.

She then dressed up seductively and took a handcuff and left cheerfully. She got into the estate unchallenged! The robber saw her coming into the estate with no weapon and so he welcomed her in a friendly manner.

She told him that it was time for him to give himself up to the authority because he had destroyed enough lives already. She told him that she was ready to cooperate with him and would even offer herself to him if he won't mind.

The robber thanked her and told her that he would do whatever thing she wants of him including going with her to the station but on the condition that he would sleep with her. 

She was very happy with the condition. She told him that she was ready! They then started. After an hour the guy disembarked and he took a drink of water and sat down. She then told him that they should be going because she had fulfilled her own side of the agreement.

But the robber told her that he was only resting because what they just did was just testing the microphone because the real love making has not started! He told her that they are going to make love continuously for five years nonstop!

He said, "My pretty officer, if you take me to the station now, the police will definitely take me to court and the court would not sentence me to anything short of a life imprisonment. That is why you have to sacrifice five years for me to enjoy you. Five years of love making is nothing compared to a life imprisonment! So the ball is in your court".

And the lady became angry with him and at the same time disappointed in him. She told him to pay her for the sex they had for an hour nonstop! The robber told her that she should even thank her star that he did not kill her. He told her to leave the estate within two minutes or she would be a corpse!

As the officer left the estate, she said to herself, "To be decorated with a rank that is above that of the IGP is not easy at all O!"

REMEMBER THAT THE PYTHON WHO OUT OF PROUDNESS SWALLOWED THE EGG OF AN OSTRICH SHOULD ALSO OUT OF PROUDNESS BEG NATURE TO INCREASE THE SIZE OF HIS ANUS SO THAT HE CAN EXCRETE IT!

EX RAYING FOREIGN PROTEST AND LOCAL PROTEST!

                                   FOREIGN PROTEST

There on the roads and streets filled with protesters!

Let's listen to what they are saying: 

Men! We gonna stop this rubbish policy! It is anti people!

We won't take any bullshit men! We are marching to the office of the authority men! THE LITMUS TEST! A JOURNALIST HAD AN INTERVIEW WITH SOME OF THEM. JOURNALIST: What is going on men! Why are you all in the streets looking very angry!

THE PEOPLE: Men! The authority is getting on our nerves!

Imagine the introduction of wages reduction. We aren't gonna take it men!

Four hours later, the authority had addressed them and they were fully satisfied. They all went to their various homes happily!

                                   LOCAL PROTEST

Immediately after an anti people policy!

"You sent for me sir!"

AUTHORITY: Yes, l sent for you. You see, there is likelihood that a very fierce protest is about to take place!

But not to worry. Get hundreds of males and females' dresses ready fast. Go to the streets and the villages to get anyone who is available to protest in support of the policy! Give them the dresses to put on. You should also pay them some amount of money. You should also tell them that they should fight against the other protesters who are made up of the real masses.

Look, there on both the streets and the roads filled with well dressed up protesters! They are demonstrating in support of the authority! THE LITMUS TEST! A JOURNALIST IS HAVING AN INTERVIEW WITH SOME OF THEM. Let's listen to what they are saying: JOURNALIST: What is wrong my fellow country men and women. Why are you protesting? ONE OF THE PROTESTERS SPEAKS:  I don't even know what is happening O! They gave us the dresses and some amount of money for us to come out and protest.

ANOTHER: I was on my way to the market when they stopped me and gave me the uniform and some amount of money to follow them to protest. I don't even know why they are protesting!

FOUR HOURS LATER: I beg, Oga pay my money correct O!

I am a tricycle rider. I was on my way to work when you stopped me and promised to pay me N10000! Now why are you giving me only N5000? If l had gone to work since morning, do you know how much money l could have made? Look, if you don't want me to use bottle to stab you, pay me my correct money!

Another person: Many of us sustained various injuries, ranging from machetes cuts, etc. If not because of money, what could have motivated me to protest in support of that wicked man? It was the dress and the money that made us to protest in support of him, not that we like him!

NB: LIARS ALWAYS TRY TO COVER THEIR LIES WITH OTHER LIES TO ENABLE THEM ESCAPE FROM THEIR WEB OF LIES!

NO NEED TO USE A LAMP TO SEARCH FOR THE MOON DURING THE NIGHT HOURS!

Recently, a certain primary school just concluded its annual promotion examination. One of the questions in social studies tinkles my fancy! 

The number 5 question says: WHICH OF THESE CONTINENTS OF THE WORLD THAT HAS ANCESTORS AS SOME OF HER COUNTRIES'  PRESIDENTS?

A Europe Continent

B North American Continent

C Asian Continent

D South American Continent

E African Continent

NB: The answer was E according to the scripts markers!

ATTENDING A POLITICAL PARTY'S CONVENTION

ABROAD AND LOCAL.

These men just went to attend their party's national convention!

 

                                  ABROAD

WIFE: Darling, how is the convention today? Are you done?

HUSBAND: My sweetheart, you won't believe it! Everything went on smoothly and successfully. We have elected another national chairman, the vice and all the excos. We enjoyed ourselves with delicious snacks and juices! I am on my way home now. Expect me in a few minutes time! Love you!

                                           LOCAL

WIFE: Darling, how is the convention today? Are you done?

HUSBAND: Please, it is not well O!

I am presently in the emergency ward in the general hospital. The convention went violence!

I was annoyed and l stabbed one of my colleagues and he retaliated and stabbed me on my stomach and a heavy fighting erupted and the police teargassed us.

I can neither see properly nor breathe well.

Come down fast if you still want to see me alive.

My eyes and nose are swollen!

YEE! YEE! MY EYES O!

YEE! YEE! MY NOSE O!

MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO FALL OFF!

SOMEONE ALSO HITS ME WITH A CHAIR!

NB: A meeting of vampires can't end without the flow of blood and a shameful display of foolishness!

       A REMARKABLE NATURAL STORY!

THE BEGINNING AND THE CAUSE OF BOTH UNDERGROUND HOUSES AND STOREY BUILDINGS /SKYSCRAPERS!

Long ago, the heavens refused to send down rain to the earth. Initially, it was not that bad; but it continued for years. The earth began to experience a tough living condition. Famine and drought set in! It became difficult for the people to get water.

They then resorted to prayers! Yet all their prayers were not answered. They were of the opinion that God didn't answer them because they were far away from him. They then decided to get closer to God so that he can easily hears their prayers and answers them! They then began to build houses that will be closer to the sky at least nearer to the throne of the Almighty God!

These buildings were in different stages. Ranging from one additional floor to dozens of floors! From these buildings, they began to pray to God. Yet, their various prayers were not answered. They were disappointed on the fact that they have been closer to God, yet he didn't answer them!

When the acute scarcity of water became unbearable, a man called Ominiyos which means "Not as you think" began to dig deeper and deeper down into the ground in search of water because every sources of water on earth had dried up! He dug for months, yet no water! 

One day, when he was deep down under the ground searching for water, a voice came to him saying, "Son of life, listen carefully. Go and tell the people to come down from those storey buildings and skyscrapers to their normal houses. In seven days time, there shall be rain continuously for three days and the earth will become fertile again".

He went and told them but the people just laughed at his words as a mere rhetorics. They told him that they who were in the sky closer to the throne of the Almighty God have not received any divine message let alone he that was deep down the ground which according to them was very far away from God.

They told him that they would kill him on the seventh day for deceiving the earth. But he stood his ground. Many refused to come down from the top houses. Some just decided to give it a try!

Then, on the seventh day, the heavens opened its windows and water began to pour down to the earth torrentially.

It was amazing! But all those who doubted Ominiyos and remained in their various top houses were swept away by the heavy thunderstorms!

After the third day, the rains stopped! A month later, the earth regained its lost glory!

The people crowned Ominiyos as a prophet of God. They also believed that God lives in both up and inside the soil. 

From that day, underground houses started!

THIS IS A NATURAL STORY!

REMEMBER THAT NOTHING CHANGES FAST AND QUICKLY LIKE THE MIND!

BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT GOD IS NOT A PHYSICAL BEING THAT CAN BE IN A PARTICULAR PLACE; BUT A SPIRIT JUST LIKE THE AIR THAT IS IN EVERYWHERE!

23rd Nov, 2025, 12: 09 am.

          OTURUGBEKE, THE PROBLEM SOLVER!

Dear Oturugbeke, l am a law enforcement agent. Two days ago, l was in the roadblock for our normal collection. A certain commercial bus driver drove down and l flagged him to a stop. We were collecting N200 from each motorist.

This man said he had nothing on him; that if l can follow him to the next bus stop, he would give me enough money that would makes me rich for the rest of my life because he loves me dearly.

I wasted no time. I jumped into the bus and he drove off! It seemed he used a charm on me because l couldn't remember anything again. When l became conscious of myself, l was in a ritualist shrine! He told me that he wants to use me for money ritual! I was surprised because he said he loves me, now see what he is about to do to me. Then, where is the love? I am presently locked up in a small room waiting my turn to die!

Please sir, l am on my knees begging you! Help me, what shall l do? I don't want to die. Mr jakara. 

Dear Mr Jakara, from what you just told me now shows that the man really loves you! No love can be more than for a man to use his fellow man for money that he wants to enjoy! From all indications, he loves you. That was why instead of him, using someone else, he decided to use you. Please thank him very much and congratulate him for choosing you!

WHEN A POOR MAN DRESSES UP LIKE A RICH MAN TO A PARTY OUT OF PROUDNESS, HE SHOULD OUT OF PROUDNESS DO WHAT A RICH MAN DOES IN PARTIES TO AVOID MOCKERY AND NAMES CALLING!

          OTURUGBEKE, THE PROBLEM SOLVER!

Dear Oturugbeke, l am a young man of twenty three years old. This morning, l boarded a commercial coastal bus. The bus was filled to its capacity with passengers. There were a lot of female students in it because there is a university along that road. Right behind me was these pretty looking damsels! I overheard one of them telling her colleague that she was desperately in need of the sum of twenty thousand naira.

I decided to play a fast game which l have used to get a lot of girls in the past on her. I picked my phone and pretended to be answering a call! I said, "Patrick, you won't believed it, that thirteen million naira that l won in bet yesterday has just been paid to me. Tonight is going to be, partying, eating and enjoyment galore. I wish l can see any lucky lady now to enjoy with me. I don't mind paying her a million naira for a night!" 

I didn't know that there were robbers inside the bus. Immediately l got to my junction, l told the driver to stop me. As l got down, six fierce and hefty looking guys with signboard like chest also got off. Before l could move an inch, they pointed a pistol at me. They asked me to bring out all the money by fire by thunder or else, l will be history.

I just deceived them that the money is in my house. They are following me down home now. I just deceived them that l want to tell my neighbour whom l gave my key to that l am back and she should bring my key. This is the opportunity l am using to call you now. I need your urgent help sir. What shall l do? 

REPLY: 

Thank you for contacting us. As you know, we are expert in these type of cases. We have helped thousands of people with this type of your problem in the past. Some were even more challenging and delicate than this! At the end you will dance and thank us.

Now, since, they said that they need the money urgently by fire by thunder, simply tell them to use you for ritual by fire by thunder so that they can get the money by fire by thunder! We hope, we have solved your problem?

We told you that it is going to be very easy!

ANYWAYS SHA, IF YOU CAN ESCAPE THIS, WHENEVER YOU ENTER PUBLIC TRANSPORT IN YOUR NEXT LIFE, USE EITHER SUPER GLUE OR EVOSTIC TO SEAL YOUR MOUTH!

SEE YOU ON JUDGMENT DAY!

23rd Nov, 2025, 12:02 am.

EX RAYING WHEN A PERSON GOES ON A HUNGER STRIKE TO DEMAND FOR HIS OR HER RIGHTS/ WHEN A PERSON ATTEMPTED A SUICIDE, IN ABROAD AND LOCAL.

                                        ABROAD

This man goes on a hunger strike to press home his demand.

VOICES: We are the authority. We care for your rights! Please, here is water; wash your face with it and have this nourishment. Here is also an energy boosting juice for you. We know that you must have lost a considerable amount of energy for these six hours! We have looked into your demands and we have put them into the budget. Take it easy men! No problem, men!

PART 2, A SUICIDE ATTEMPT!

CROWD: Take it easy men! Take it easy men! Don't kill yourself, guy! Whatever the challenges you are having men, we gonna stand by you! Yours is certainly not the worse guy! Come down gently men! We care for every life!

                                  LOCAL

This man goes on a hunger strike to press home his demands!

THE AUTHORITY WERE TOLD AND THEY WENT THERE. NOW, LETS LISTEN TO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.

We are the authority. So, you went on a hunger strike, Abi?

You have not seen anything yet! By the time your ribs start to show like the skeleton of a mad man who died from LASA FEVER, then your eyes will clear! Your death will even be a blessing to us who are taking care of you in the prison. Your food will now be for us! If you like you go on a hunger strike for ever, that is not our business! You will die for nothing sake!  You think your hunger strike would makes the authority to leave those buildings? You are a big joker!

Nonsense man! Plus you and minus you, life goes on!

Any day that you are ready to eat, you tell us! The government has even destroyed those  buildings and the road construction has begun!

PART 2, SUICIDE ATTEMPT!

A CROWD JUST GATHERED AROUND THIS MAN WHO WAS ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE! NOW, LET'S LISTEN TO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.

What are you still waiting for before you jump? Idiot! Ten minus one is nine. If you die now, it reduces one from those consuming garri. If you are afraid to jump, let us come to push you to make it faster.  You nor wise? Na the witches and wizards wey dey your village naim dey pursue you so! 

If you like you die, who cares! How many people don  die today! Yeye man! l beg make we dey video am jare!

WHENEVER YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH A MAD MAN, DON'T PUT ON RAGS BECAUSE HE HAS THEM IN QUANTUM! 

DON'T EVER TALK ABOUT SYMPATHY IN THE PRESENCE OF MR LION, BECAUSE WHAT HE HATES MOST IS SYMPATHY!

24th, Nov, 2025,1:30 am.

SOME REMEDIES ARE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE!

There was this boy a senior secondary school student. He was a well-known talkative and a troublemaker. One day his class teacher became very angry with him because he refused to served a punishment which the teacher gave to him.

The teacher got his cane to flog him but he held the cane and began to fight with the teacher. The teacher was so annoyed that he lost his temper and he punched the him severally with his fist. The punched touched the boy's right eyeball! The boy was taken to the hospital where the doctor confirmed to his parents that the eye has gone blind!

The parents were mad at the teacher and they got him arrested. They said that the only remedy was to replace their son's eye with that of the teacher's. Friends and sympathizers begged them to temper justice with mercy and leave everything for God, but they refused. The teacher has no alternative but to agree! 

And so they took the boy to a specialist clinic for the operation to be carried out. Meanwhile, this teacher has very big eyeballs! And the Doctor puts him into coma with sedative injection. And he gorged out one of his eyeballs! But as the doctor was about to fix it in the boy's eye, their generator developed a serious fault.

And so there was no light to preserve it. And so it became swollen the more! The next morning their source of electricity was restored! But by now, the eyeball had become more bigger in addition to its original big nature! It now looks like a football! But the doctor decided to do his work.

Meanwhile the boy's parents were not there in the clinic due to their annoyance.

When the doctor was done with the job, the boy's right eyeball was bigger than twice of that of an owl! The second day, the doctor called the parents that the operation was successful and that their son would be coming home that evening. The parents went to the motor park to receive him with joy.

As the boy alighted from the bus, he called to his parents.

But on seeing the eyeball that was even bigger than his head, they took to their heels shouting, "Please, Lord, what is this? The king of owl or a new creature? This can't be our son!" They called the doctor and he told them exactly what happened. They went back to have it removed and fix the damaged one back; but the doctor told them that he had disposed it off. They had alternative but to leave it.

                      TROUBLESHOOTING!

People began to mock at the boy calling him derogatory names such as:

Abominable monster!

Regenerated Demon!

Civilized Homo sapiens

Automated Owl!

Coven football!

Reincarnated father Frog!

Etc

REMEMBER THAT WHEN MANKIND BEGS YOU TO FORGIVE ONE OF YOUR KIND AND YOU REFUSED IN A BLIND FURY, THEN NATURE WILL TURNS YOUR PROUDNESS INTO AN EVERLASTING SHAME!

"WHEN HAVE YOU BECOME THE MOTHER OF EVERY NEGATIVITY, BELOVED COUNTRY?"

EX RAYING WHEN A CHILD OF THE INFLUENTIAL AND THAT OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN ATTEND A SCHOLARSHIP INTERVIEW.

                                      FOREIGN AND LOCAL!

When the child of the influential and that of the ordinary citizen attend a scholarship interview!

                              FOREIGN

                             Child of the influential:

INTERVIEWER: What is the name of the most dangerous triangle ever discovered?

CHILD OF THE INFLUENTIAL: The Bermuda Triangle!

INTERVIEWER: What is the formula of finding the circumference of a circle?

CHILD OF THE INFLUENTIAL: Two pie radius

INTERVIEWER: A person who looks after corpses in the mortuary.

CHILD OF THE INFLUENTIAL:  Mortician.

The below is that of the child of the ordinary citizen!

INTERVIEWER: What is the name of the most dangerous triangle ever discovered?

CHILD OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN: The Bermuda Triangle.

INTERVIEWER:  What is the formula of finding the circumference of a circle?

CHILD OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN: Two pie radius.

INTERVIEWER:  A person who looks after corpses in the mortuary.

CHILD OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN: Mortician.

                                            LOCA!

A child of the influential.

Just an hour before the interview, the interviewer received a phone call. Ring! Ring!! "HELLO!  Who is on the line, please?"

CALLER: This is chief, Dr, Honourable Lost. My daughter, Miss Olodo Lost, will be attending the scholarship interview under you in an hour time. I got your number from a colleague of mine, Honourable Kabukabu. Just like you helped his daughter, l want you to do same to mine! You know exactly what to do.

Just text your bank account down immediately to this number and you will know me better. Thanks!

At the interview venue.

The child of the influential was the first to be interviewed.

INTERVIEWER: What is your name and your surname?

CHILD OF THE INFLUENTIAL:  Lost Olodo.

INTERVIEWER: How old are you?

CHILD OF THE INFLUENTIAL: 7 years.

INTERVIEWER: What day of the week do Christians worship in their churches?

CHILD OF THE INFLUENTIAL:  Sunday.

INTERVIEWERS: Christians celebrate the birth of Christ on what day?

CHILD OF THE INFLUENTIAL: December 25th.

INTERVIEWER: That is a brilliant performance!

THE CHILD OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN!

INTERVIEWER:  James Handley chase was born in what year and what day and date?

CHILD OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN: No answer.

INTERVIEWER: What year was Mungo Pack born and the name of his mother?

THE CHILD OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN: No answer.

INTERVIEWER: 40 gross times 4 years. Answer within a minute.

CHILD OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN: No answer.

INTERVIEWER: Who manufactured the first ship and at where?

CHILD OF THE ORDINARY CITIZEN: No answer.

INTERVIEWER: That is very poor of you. You couldn't even answered those simple questions!

THE OCEAN OF SIN AND OPPRESSION ARE THE MOST ENJOYABLE OCEANS TO SWIN IN BECAUSE OF THEIR REFRESHING WATER! BUT UNDERNEATH THEM HIDE THE FEROCIOUS SHARKS!

25th Nov 2025

NORTHERN BOKO HARAM & SOUTHERN BOKO HARAM!

                                                 NORTH

Boko Haram  had just attacked a school. After about an hour, those who were able to escaped came out to assessed the extent of damaged. Let's listen to the principal.

"Colleagues, first we must thank God for our survival! We pray that the Almighty God should protect those who were not this lucky.

Now, one hundred and ninety six female students were kidnapped!

Seventy one male students were kidnapped!

Twelve female teachers and five male teachers were also kidnapped!

We pray that God in his infinite mercy brings them back in one piece, Amen".

                                    SOUTHERN BOKO HARAM

Suddenly, the school's activities was disturbed by the following shouts: Principal, teachers, students, make una run O, BOKO HARAM dey come kidnap una O!!!

Immediately, there was a pandemonium! Everyone abandoned whatever he or she was doing and scampered for safety! An hour later, those who fled returned. Let's listen to the principal:

Comrades! From what we have here is that,

Fifty two computers have been kidnapped!

Seventeen SUVs owned by our staff members parked here have been kidnapped!

Thirty three expensive phones abandoned by out staff members have also been kidnapped!

Science laboratory equipments kidnapped!

CCTV cameras kidnapped!

Solar power projectors kidnapped!

Handbags and money kidnapped!

It is cleared to us that those guys use the name boko haram as a ploy to deceive us so that they can steal our belongings!

N:B EVIL IS A THOUSAND YEAR MORE EXPERIENCED THAN GOOD!

REMEMBER, IT IS VERY DANGEROUS FOR A HEALTHY PERSON TO SAY THAT HE OR SHE IS SICK AS TO AVOID WORKING BECAUSE WHEN THE REAL SICKNESS WOULD COME, SUCH A PERSON CAN'T SURVIVE IT!

3rd December 2025!

NOTHING CAN BE WORST THAN TO BE CALLED A GOAT!

Once upon a time, an antelope was caught by a hunter in his trap. He bounded it hands and feet and he took it to the market for sales! Since the antelope and the goat are in the same family, he took it to where goats are sold. On seeing the antelope tied up hands and feet, the goat said to him, "Hello my brother Mr Antelope. How are you today? How is your family? You are welcome to our humble home. How are you enjoying today?" 

And Mr Antelope said to him, "Mr Goat, those who named you Goat were very thoughtful! They made no mistake in naming you, Mr Goat! You see me tied up  hands and legs to be sold and killed for food, yet you are asking me about my family and how l am enjoying. You will forever be called a goat!"

A FOOL IS SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS SEES FOOLISH THINGS AS THE BEST!

FETCHING WATER INTO A BASKET AND FETCHING WATER

 INTO A RESERVOIR!

                                       ABROAD AND LOCAL

                                               ABROAD

NEWS: The foreign government has invested billions of dollars on air and road safety transportations.

N:B, the foreigners are very happy because there is stronger air and road safety!

Joy! Joy!! Joy!!!

NEWS: The foreign government has invested billions of dollars on security of lives and properties. Schools, clubs and restaurants are now safe from attacks men!

Joy! Joy!! Joy!!!

Somewhere in town: Men! We are very happy that our people are safer and secured men!

N:B, FETCHING WATER INTO A RESERVOIR!

                                  

                           LOCAL

NEWS: The local government has invested billions of naira on schools feeding programme so that the millions of street children will love going to school, and also for them to eat well at school and encouraged all the out of school children to love learning as to clear off the streets of millions of illiterate children. It is called,'OPERATION ERADICATE ILLITERACY!

NEWS: The local government has invested billions of naira on security of the people. Security votes are been giving to governors to help to provide security!

N:B, News, the local country has the highest population of out of school children and illiteracy has reached an alarming proportion!

Insecurity is almost consuming us! Kidnappings, killings, and other crimes are now sitting on a Royal chair in the local country!

N:B, somewhere in town: Man! This business is fantastic! It is so lucrative! Imagine, we have become billionaires from this failed policy! It is a blessing to us! What concerns us with children dropping out of schools or insecurity? That is our mandate, the western education must be destroyed! All we want is to make money!

N:B, FETCHING WALTER INTO A BASKET!

THE FOLLOWING ENSUED IN A CLASSROOM

TEACHER: From this topic that we have just treated, can anyone of you tell the class how many types of nonliving things that we have?

JUNIOR: Yes Sir. There are basically three categories of nonliving things.

TEACHER: Good, can you mention them?

JUNIOR: Alright sir.

FIRST, those who say that there is no Christians genocide in Nigeria are nonliving things!

SECOND: Those who say that Donald Trump should not come to Nigeria to eliminate the terrorists are nonliving things!

THIRD: Those who say that all is well with Nigeria and that we can solve our problems ourselves are nonliving things

TEACHER: But why would you categorized these groups of persons as nonliving things?

JUNIOR: Sir, no living thing that is alive will ever say such things because it is like using a lamp to search for the shining Moon In the sky!

N:B, WHEN LIE IS TOO GLARING, EVEN YOU WHO INVENTED THE LIE WILL BECOME ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

AFRICAN LIBRARY, THE HOME OF WONDERFUL STORIES

 THE FOUNDATION OF STORIES! YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS THEM!

                                   COMING UP SOON!

(1) THE HUNGRY TORTOISE

(2) TORTOISE AND THE WISE KING. MONEY HYPNOTIZES HUMAN

(3) THE CUNNING TORTOISE AND THE FOOLISH PRINCESS.

THE HERO OF THE DAY AND THE KING OF SWEETNESS STANDING ON THE FLOOR

(4) TORTOISE'S GALLANT AND SHAMEFUL EXPLOITS BOTH IN THE LAND OF THE DWARFS AND THE GIANTS

(5) THE GREEDINESS OF TORTOISE

(6) VOIDED HOPE

(7) THE YOUNG FARMER AND THE FAIRY

THE FAIRY, THE FOREST god VERSUS DEATH STING,THE DREADED SEVEN HEADED SPIRIT, THE KING OF THE SPIRITS.

(8) "I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE AVENGED THE DEATH OF MY WIFE FROM THE CITY OF THE DEVILS".

THE IROKO TREE WEPT AS SHE SMELT DEATH

ARAWATA AND ARAWASA, EVEN IN DEATH;THEY WERE NOT SEPARATED!

(9) DOUBLE SIN, ETEEM THE ARMED ROBBER

KALADOZIA VERSUS PIKOPA DEE- LEE

"MY SWORD RETURNS BACK NOT EMPTY!"

"WHEN DARKNESS COMES AT NOON, THE DEAD REMEMBER NOT THE EARTH, LET ME GO".

(10) GOZNARA ARHAKAH 2 

THE EXPLOITS OF THE GIANT!

THE WITCHES AND THE WIZARDS ABANDONED THEIR PHYSICAL BODIES AND FLED TO THEIR COVENS AS GOZNARA GONE BERSERK!

NOWHERE TO HIDE!

(11) DIMRANA AND THE CROCODILE

"MY LAST ARROW, MY LIFE; THIS IS THE END!"

(12) DEATH STING ARHAKAH 1

A DAY THE HUMANS SURPRISED THE SPIRITS

A REMARKABLE DAY AT THE SPIRITS' WRESTLING GROUND

WHICH THEY WILL NOT FORGET IN A HURRY

(13) ANGELICA AND ANGELICO, THE FLYING TWINS

THE DEADLY TREE VERSUS THE IROKO TREE!

NO TREE DARES THE AFRICAN DEADLY TREE TO A DUEL

(14) AKAPA'S TROUBLE

THE STRANGE SEVEN TAILED MONKEY AND THE JUNGLE DRAMA

THE STREAM OF TEARS!

(15) MAJAKAH THE VILLAGE OF THIEVES

MADOPO DEMAHADA THE ABODE OF THE MAD

NEVER AGAIN SHALL IT BE!

(16) OGRIKI AND THE MERMAIDS

THE SPIRITUALISTS OF JAMATA CHALLENGED THE GODS AS OGRIKI AND HIS COLLEAGUES HAD ONLY SEVEN DAYS TO LIVE. THE GODS NEVER LIED, THEY HAD SPOKEN

(17) ARINI THE DEAD SPIRIT

THE POWERS OF THE DEAD

EVEN THE SPIRITUAL ABODE WEPT

(18) GROUND REFUSES HER BODY

THE GREAT AJAKAJA'S PREDICTION

LAUGH CRIES AS HAPPINESS OPENS NOT HER LIPS

(19) THE ARMY OF ALHAJI SHEHU TALHILA

" WHOSOEVER LOOKS INTO MY EYEBALLS SHALL NEVER SEE ANY GOOD ". 

(20) YELA, THE MAN WHO VOWED TO COME BACK FROM THE LAND OF THE DEAD TO CARE FOR HIS CHILDREN.

DID HE REALLY SUCCEED?

( 21 ) MRS AIRAF'S FEARFUL ENCOUNTERED WITH HER LATE HUSBAND, Mr Ujeh! A TRUE LIFE STORY!

It is believed that to ascertained whether a person is a spirit or not, you should use either a knife or a razorblade to cut his or her skin! If the suspected person is a spirit, then he or she would immediately disappeared! 

Well, a woman named Mrs Airaf tried it on a man whom she believed was her late husband and what happened next was bizarre and too terrible to believed!

This story tells it all! 

                                      

Would you still doubt that the dead don't live amongst us?

You can't afford to miss it because seeing is believing and what you experienced is your best teacher!

(22) ZUHIRIMAAZAA AND THE SECOND DEATH!

WHAT PLACE IS ZUHIRIMAAZAA?

Why is it that when some people have died and buried, we still see them often in our dreams and why is it that we never see some again?

FAMELA, THE MAN WHO DIED TWICE!

After his death, he went to Zuhirimaazaa where he relived for forty four years before he finally died and went to the land of the dead!

Why is it that we sometimes see people who died as poor people riding on flashy cars and living in luxury in the dreams? And also those who were rich on earth living in penury in the dreams?

Famela was a very poor man during his lifetime. But after his death, his family members continued to see him in their dreams living in an opulence! Riding on expensive cars and living in affluence! This prompted them to seek the spiritual interpretation of the dreams and what was revealed was bizarre and unbelievable!

This story is an eye opener and a great revelation of some of the activities after death. You can't afford to miss it!

REMEMBER THAT, ASK and you will be given, SEEK, and you will find, KNOCK, and the gate of truth shall be open to you!

DISTINGUISHED LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER THAT WHEN THE SUN APPROACHES THE HORIZON THEN BOTH THE FARMER AND THE PARROT MUST RETURN HOME.

THE FLAME LIKE HEAD OF THE AGAMA LIZARD DOESN'T STOP THE COBRA FROM SWALLOWING IT!

" DOCTOR, PLEASE WHERE ARE YOUR FEET? "

One day, l took my wife to see a medical doctor because she wasn't feeling too fine. After we have taken card, we were given a seat. We sat there waiting for the doctor. Then, he finally arrived! We were the first to be attended to. My wife told him how she was feeling. He asked her to follow him into the examination room.

I was watching them from under the curtain. I saw my wife's feet and that of the doctor closer to each other. Little while l didn't see my wife's feet again, only the doctor's feet l saw. I knew that she was lying on the bed and the doctor was examining her. Little while, l didn't see the doctor's feet again!  I was disturbed and l ran into the room shouting, "Doctor! Doctor!! Where are your feet?" 

Then l saw that he went to another inner room to get an instrument! You see guys, don't blame me too much because when a man and a woman are standing near a bed and suddenly you don't see the woman's feet again means she is lying on the bed. If the man's feet also suddenly disappeared means he has also climbed the bed to join her for the action.

You see, the best profession is to be a doctor! I chose the wrong career for not being a doctor!

You see, it is only doctor who can say to eithet the Queen, President's wife, governor or minister's wife, "Your majesty or your Excellency, please lie down on the bed and take off your clothes; it seems you are having some complications. Let me examine you". 

When she has undressed, the doctor would look at her seductive body and salivate codedly. He would first touch her breasts, press and fond with them for a while and he would say, "There is an obscure lump in your breasts. This is a sign of an incoming cancer but not to worry, l will clear it right away". He would then go to the engine between the thighs!

He would press its soft surface and say, "Do you feel little pains when urinating? Or do you feel pains during your monthly flow?" 

Obviously, you know women, she will say, "Exactly doctor".

 That is giving a powerful sword to a strong man! And the doctor would touch and press it again.

Holy Moses! This is sitting on the chair of heaven without first dying! He would say, "Don't worry, you would be alright. You came at the right time because it hasn't gotten to the complicated stage. Now put on your dress Your Majesty and let me give you drugs!"

Meanwhile, he has seen the unseen and touched the untouchable! What a wonderful profession that l missed. Only the fringe benefits are enormous!

REMEMBER, IT IS JUST A JOKE!

KATIARA DON TIE KATIABA GO KASANARA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT!

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN, "DEM GIVE AM BELLE, SHE DON CARRY BELLE AND SHE DON GET BELLE!"

FOR THE SAKE OF THOSE WHO ARE NOT AFRICANS.

THE PIDGIN ENGLISH IS OUR MAJOR LINGUAL FRANCA!

TRY AND STUDY IT WITH THE BELOW.

There are three ways in which a woman can become pregnant in our local lingual franca.

THESE ARE: 

(1) DEM GIVE AM BELLE

(2) SHE DON CARRY BELLE

(3) SHE DON GET BELLE

The total breakdown is as follows:

The first one which is: DEM GIVE AM BELLE means that the said lady became pregnant with about ten or more men in contention. To be able to determine the true owner of the pregnancy, DNA is needed if not, no definite father but there are suspects! Her mother has to embark on a door to door of bachelors to ask the most embarrassing question on earth. That is, "Bros, l beg don't be annoy. My foolish daughter said she befriended you sometimes ago. And now she is pregnant hence we are here to beg you to tell us the truth". 

The two first replies she may likely get are: MADAM, GET OUT OF HERE NOW NOW, WITH YOUR ASHAWO PINKIN IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAB YOU WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE or MADAM NOR BE ONLY ME O, WE PLENTY WEY DEY NACK AM O!  GO FRONT OTHER GUYS STILL DEY THERE".

Can any embarrassment be more than this?

How would you know where you got what you did not know when it happened? Impossible!

The second one which is: SHE DON CARRY BELLE is even worse because it means she has nobody to pin the pregnancy on! That means no hope as a result of ANYHOW  WAKA-WAKA ABOUT OR CHEERFUL GIVER! She should be ready to shoulder the responsibilities all alone because no suspect! No need for the mother to make a move because everyday MALLAM ABOKI SUYA MEAT POINT and FRIED CHICKEN WITH YAM or BARBECUED JOINTS!

She nor know where she for carry the gift WEY big pass am!

That kind of pinkin na him mama papa name he dey answer for school.

The third which is: SHE DON GET BELLE is exactly a blessing! Yes, this is a blessing from God! When a woman is legally married and she becomes pregnant, we say, "SHE DON GET BELLE". This is the blessing that every married woman prays for!

MY BIG SISTER WEY DEY LOOK ME WITH YOUR BIG NAKED EYES WEY NOR GET MONEY TO BUY PANT WEAR, NA WHICH ONE BE YOUR OWN?

FIRST OR SECOND OR THIRD?

I STILL DEY WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWER O!

OGOLOTO DON TIE IGELEKE GO IGALAKA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT AGAIN O!

NA WHO GO COME PAY AM NOW?

There was this couple who always quarrel over love making.  One day the man indulged in an extramarital affair with a lady. When he returned home, the following ensued between him and his wife.

HUSBAND: Today, l experienced the best drink on earth and exactly like the name, the difference is cleared. The bottle was round and the content was so juicy! Again and again, l repeat; the difference is cleared! No two ways about it.

The wife immediately suspected that her husband had gone out to sleep with another woman hence he used the word, "The difference is cleared". She also decided do her own. She also indulged in an extramarital affair. When she got home, she too bragged saying, "Yes, l have also tasted the drink name the difference is cleared. And actually the difference of this drink is cleared from the regular one l was used to. The bottle is so big, round and juicy! I love it!"

The husband became very angry and he summoned a general family meeting. On the day of the judgment after the eldest member of the family had listened to their statements, he thought that what they tasted was the 7UP drink which has the inscription: 'THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR' 

And he said, "Our son and our daughter. Both of you have really done well by drinking the difference is clear. I have taken it before and l am encouraging all of you here to continue to taste of it. Don't do without it. In the morning, afternoon and evening, three times a day. So l congratulate both of you for this wonderful discovery.

After you have taken it you will never go to your former tasteless and old-fashioned local stuff again. Since both of you have tasted it, and you love it,

 Continue on it daily, l assured you that both of you have gotten my blessing for you to continue ceaselessly!

And the couple said, "Sir, are you encouraging us to continue drinking the difference is clear?"

And he said, "Exactly! It is good for both of you."

THE COUPLE COLLAPSED

" THIS MIRACLE WAS MORE ACCURATE THAN THE WATER THAT WAS TURNED INTO WINE AT A MARRIAGE CEREMONY IN CANAAN"

There this area in Nigeria in the 70s known as ,"NO PADDY IN JUNGLE " It was known for its notoriety! All the ranks and titles of the areas boys go there to plan their various robbery activities. THE OKPODU, KAKO, OSTAKO, IWHIUS, ATIKO, OGBOLOGBOS ETC. Even if you abandoned your excrements there, it would be stolen! There was a woman selling alcohol and Indian helm aka lgbo alias wewe at this spot. It was a beehive of criminality!

When the criminals have robbed, they go there to drink and share their loots! The then military governor of the state decided to put a stop to it! 

One morning a big caravan was brought and placed at the edge of the forest. There were photographs of air-conditioning, television sets, refrigerators, video machines, pressing irons, fans etc on it indicating that they were the gadgets inside! 

When the area boys saw it, they raised up their hands and thanked God. "We are in money guys! This night we are going to work on it. Man must wack. No slacking",  they shouted joyfully.

That night they came to burgle it. The leader of the gang led his men down. After they had broken the locks they opened it with joy to pack the goods. But they came face to face with fully armed soldiers! They retreated. The leader of the gang fled and climbed a wall hoping to jump down on the other side of the road and escape. But as he jumped down to the other side of the road, he landed directly inside a parked land rover surrounded by fierce looking mobile policemen fully armed! He looked them round and he closed his eyes.

And one of the policemen said to him, "Mr man, what pursued you to have jumped the high fence this night and fell into our vehicle?" And the leader of the gang said, "Sir, l have never seen this type of miracle before or heard about it. Anyways, you people should better shoot me to death because l can never open my mouth to tell you what  actually happened. It is too shameful!"

REMEMBER THAT "A BRAVE WARRIOR NEVER TURNS HIS BACK ON THE BATTLE AT THE DRUMS OF WAR!"

THOSE WHO LIVE NEAR THE RIVER MUST NOT GET DRUNK!

This dialogue ensued between a father and his fifteen years old daughter.

FATHER: Come here Esther. What is this you are doing? A boy holding your hand? Abomination! You are in trouble!

ESTHER: But daily l see you wrestling with the housemaid in the kitchen but l never challenge you. Even when you floor her!

FATHER: No my daughter, you misunderstood me. I mean both of you should be doing it inside the bedroom so that nobody will sees you. 

DAUGHTER: Dad, are you encouraging me to be having an affair with a man at this tender age?

FATHER: Honestly my daughter l am confused! All that l need now is what will makes you happy so that the night guard will not expose his dream because the exposure of the night guard's dreams will definitely leads to his sack!

My daughter, please cover your mouth! My reputation is at stake!

EX RAYING THE PUNISHMENT FOR INDECENT DRESSING OFFENDERS!

Now, a secret debate was held on what punishment should be given to any female caught dressed indecently.

GROUP A IS THE OPINIONS  OF THE VARIOUS LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES. 

GROUP B IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG BACHELORS.

GROUP C IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED WOMEN.

GROUP D IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED MEN.

GROUP E IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG SPINSTERS.

NOW, GROUP A VERSUS GROUP B VERSUS GROUP C VERSUS GROUP D VERSUS GROUP E.

WHICH OF THEM DO YOU LIKE TO JOIN?

REMEMBER SAY ENJOYMENT NOR GET BONE O

AND AWOOF DEY RUN BELLE O!

The followings are the various groups submissions.

GROUP A, LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three of them to enjoy her for twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.

GROUP B, YOUNG BACHELORS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three young bachelors to enjoy her for at least twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.

GROUP C, MARRIED WOMEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be flogged mercilessly for about five good minutes and then release to go.

GROUP E, MARRIED MEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be stripped naked and allowed to go home in nude.

GROUP E, YOUNG SPINSTERS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be made to pay a fine of a hundred thousand naira.

My people, why una dey look me with una big naked eyes wey nor wear pant?

I don  already chose my option and una know me say na enjoyment side naim l dey like. But l nor say make dem rape anybody O!

But sha 0, l like to enjoy O!

It is because of this cold rainy season that makes me love the work of the law enforcement agency.

Imagine to load yourselves into an Hilux van and swoop on a crowd of beautiful looking commercial sex workers and arrest all of them. Then quote the backside of the constitution to them which says, "Thou shall not spread HIV/AIDS!" The punishment is either they pay in cash or in kind with immediate alacrity!  ALL HAIL ME, The grammatical enigma! The fringe benefit of the uniform is enormous!

During this rainy season beautiful looking female prisoners don't spend the nights in their various prison cells with their ugly colleagues! My question be say, na  how manage wey female prisoner come take carry belle come born for prison? Na spirit abi na juju give am belle?

I BEG O, NA JOKE I DEY, NOR BE REAL O!

BUT SENSE DEY MY JOKE SHA O!

"THERE ARE NO ROOMS FOR METHUSELAHS IN NIGERIA"

There was this 86 years old woman who rushed her elderly mother to the hospital. She requested that she should immediately be taken to the emergency intensive care unit for an immediate attention. 

She was asked to buy a card. She filled the card and gave it to the doctor. The doctor observed that she was 130 years old. And the following ensued between them.

DOCTOR: Madam, your mother is already a hundred and thirty years old. Why still waisting money on her instead of allowing her to depar in peace?

WOMAN: Doc, she is just a hundred and thirty years old. People live more than that and l want her to live as long as Methuselah.

DOCTOR: Sorry madam, there are no rooms for Methuselahs in Nigeria. If it is abroad, then we can accommodate that.

Can't you see the bloated population? Please, let her die, we don't accept Methuselahs here!

                                   "DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT?"

This man slapped his daughter, a senior secondary school student for returning home late from school.

The girl then sent a text message to him. It reads thus: Father, please, be informed that there is going to be a family general meeting in this house next Sunday at 5pm prompt and attendance is mandatory.

Mummy is going to be the prosecutor and l am going to be the chief judge while you are going to be the defendant.

First of all as the judge, let me ask you:

Did you or did you not have an illicit affairs with the housemaid?

Did you or did you not impregnate her?

Did you or did you not abort the pregnancy?

Did you or did you not give her a huge amount of money to keep her mouth shut?

Now answer, did you or did you not all these things?

The father after reading the text replied her thus.

FATHER: My daughter, did l or did l not give birth to you?

Did you or did you not want to go to the university?

Did you or did you not want me to buy you an expensive phone for your birthday?

Did you or did you not want me to buy you a luxury car after your graduation?

Did you or did you not want me to be taking you out secretly every Sunday to enjoy yourself?

She then sent a reply to her father and it reads thus:

I did want to cover you because l did want to enjoy all your promises. Did l or did l not do well?

And the father replied her thus: l will did all that we did to did everything to did well. I did promise l did!

But you will do to allow me to did the housemaid 0! I always love to did her!

                               DREAMLAND!

A MAN HAD THIS DREAM RECENTLY.

Inside the dream law enforcement agencies were arguing with the law!

LAW: You people don't have the right to arrest or harassed anybody for indecent dressing. You can only say that people dressed indecently when the real big stick and open well are not covered.

LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES: Fine, Lordship, then you should just say it out that people don't need to put on dresses and let everyone naked like the animals so that they can be doing it everywhere, anyhow and anytime.

No need for clothes. We should just be seeing everyone going about with big sticks and open wells!

No Wonder your logo is blindfolded so that it can't see the the right from the wrong!

THIS IS A JOKE FROM THE DREAM LAND!

NOT REAL!

                       "NO GOING BACK ON MY BLESSINGS".

There was this man who had five sons from different women! But unfortunately, they all hated their youngest brother, the last born. They either beat him or knock his head whenever he passes by them. They even said it to his face that had it been they can see a buyer, they would sell him just like Joseph's brothers did to him in the Holy Bible. This boy actually passed through hell in the hands of his half elders brothers!

One day, their father celebrated his fiftieth birthday. That day, the youngest son attained seventeen years of age. Later that evening, the man got a bottle of alcoholic drink, alligator pepper and kola nuts. These are the main ingredients of the prayer of blessings according to the African tradition! He then called his sons. He told them that he wants to bless them for their future careers. He then asked them to say whatever career they wanted to take in life.

FIRST SON: Dad, l am going to be a farmer. My major crop will be India hemp. That is my chosen career where l will make my livelihood. I will be a cultivator and exporter of marijuana!

FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!

SECOND SON: Dad, l am going to be a daredevil arm robber. I shall become rich by robbing and killing people.

FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!

THIRD SON: Dad, l am going into the business of fake and hard drugs. Because fake and hard drugs fetch fast income more than the original ones because they are cheaper and make people to be fearless. That is where l will make my livelihood!

FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!

FOURTH SON: Dad, l am going into the kidnapping business!

My job will be to kidnap high profile personalities. From it l will make my livelihood!

FATHER:  So shall it be for you my son!

FIFTH SON:  Dad, l shall be a nor nonsense police officer. And any idiot who dares into the trade or cultivation of India hemp or indulges in arm robbery or kidnapping or selling of fake and hard drugs will not only go to jail but will die in jail. I swear by the ancestors of our land!

FATHER: So shall it be for you, my last born!

When the four elder sons heard what their last brother whom they hate with passion said, they came to their father for them to change their various careers but their father said, "My sons, no going back on my blessings!"

                                E DON RED O!

THIS IS A SIGN THAT YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER HAD GONE FOR A CHEAP AND DISGRACEFUL PROSTITUTION!

FATHER: Grace, come here. Where are you coming from?

GRACE: No answer!

FATHER: Grace, didn't you hear me? I said where have you been to?

GRACE: No answer!

FATHER: It seems you want me to deaf your two ears with a dirty slap.

GRACE: I didn't go anywhere!

FATHER: Then where were you since l have been calling you?

GRACE: I went to my friend's place down town!

FATHER: Alright, then take me down there now!

GRACE: I can't know the place. It was one of my classmates that took me there for the home assignment given to us at school!

FATHER: Alright, where are your books?

GRACE: They are in my friend's place!

OGA, YOUR DAUGHTER NA ASHAWO KOBO-KOBO!

BANKS WORKS GET SMALL ASHAWO SHALL O!

One morning, a pretty looking lady banker came to me to open an account with her bank as l was about to lock my door and go out! And the following ensued between us!

LADY BANKER: Good morning sir. I am a banker from Ogogoro commercial bank. I am here to open it for you so that you can put something. No how small or big it is. But l prefer you put a big thing inside after l opened it for you now-now! You will enjoy our services. I know you have something big inside your trousers there. Just open it and bring out something and put it into it as l open it!

I unzipped my trousers and bring out my big boy! And she said, "That is not what l meant sir! But money for your newly opened account!" And l said to her,"pretty Angel, l will go for the first account after this second account is fulfilled because two accounts are involved here! The two were fulfilled in no time! I love such mornings!

     NA JOKE, I DEY O! BUT SMALL TRUTH DEY THE JOKE O!

A  TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR OR A SERIOUS CASE TO ANSWER?

There was this rich man who wanted to celebrate his seventy years birthday with a funfair! This happened in those days when the only means of typing was the typewriter! Now the only man who had a business centre in his village where the invitation cards for the birthday could be typed and printed was his sworn enemy!

Since he needed the invitation cards dearly, one of his friends then took the write-ups to the businessman for them to be typed and printed out in their hundreds! The businessman later realized that the cards were for his sworn enemy and so he decided to teach him an unforgettable lesson. He did everything excellently and they were collected in good faith.

Then came the day of the celebration. Everything was in placed accordingly. The celebrant dressed gorgeously and he sat on a big chair waiting for the arrival of the invitees! But to his surprised, the invitees began to come one after the other dressed in black mourning robes. A pastor was called to bless and pray for the celebrant.

Soon the pastor took hold of the microphone and he began thus: Brethren, the holy book makes it very cleared that there is a time for someone to be born and a time for him to die! Our brother here has lived a fulfilled life Worthy of emulation! We love him but he has declared that he loves God more! Today he is leaving us for eternal glory to be with God. We are going to miss his kindness and his presence! Any moment from now, we will see him no more!

Now, l want you to bring his final resting bed for we to commit him to mother earth! And immediately a coffin was carried down! He looks at everyone bewildered! He was confused as to what was happening! And the pastor said, "Chief, you can now come down to enter into coffin so that we will bury you fast and serve the food. Once more we thank you for this your wonderful " DEATHDAY CELEBRATION ". He could no longer tolerate what he was seeing and hearing and he challenged the pastor.

The pastor told him that they were only obeying his invitation card which reads: "YOU ARE ALL INVITED TO MY DEATHDAY CELEBRATION". 

When he looked at the card, he saw that it reads, " DEATHDAY CELEBRATION" instead of "BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION". He was red with anger and he rushed to the businessman's shop to ask him why he did such a thing.

But the businessman shouted at him saying, "Common, go back to the land of the dead, you are dead and that is final". 

He later apologized saying it was a typographical error!

"ROASTED MEAT (SUYA) AND BARBECUED FISH IN THE CITY IS EQUAL TO DEADLY POISON AND A LETTER FOR THE DEAD IN THE VILLAGE "

There is this fifteen years old girl who lives with her grandmother in the city. Her biological mother lives in the village. Her father died when she was still very young. She is the type who gets angry at will. And when she is angry, she threatens to kill herself. 

Her grandmother loves her very much because she is her only grandchild. She always comforts her whenever she is angry with roasted meat and barbecued fish. She becomes addicted to this sumptuous treatment! For her to be eating these delicacies always, she gets angry at times without any reason whatsoever! All the same, her grandmother is always there to pacify her with her normal delicacies!

When her biological mother becomes aware of her daughter's unwholesome attitude, she calls her mother on the phone demanding that her daughter be sent down to her in the village without delay. But her mother refuses saying that she can't take a proper care of her in the village like she does to her in the city. She told her mother that she can even care of her in the village more than she does to her in the city!

Her mother then asks her if she can get roasted meat and barbecued fish in the village to give to her whenever she  gets angry to comforts her. She replies her that the roasted meat and the barbecued fish in the village are far more delicious than those in the city! And with that assurance, her grandmother sends her down to the village to stay with her biological mother!

The second day after she arrived the village, her mother gives her a basin and she asks her to go in company of other girls to the village stream to fetch water! But she refuses saying that in the city she doesn't do any domestic chores!

Her mother becomes angry with her and she gets a whip and she flogs her mercilessly! 

She becomes angry as usual and threatens to kill herself. Her mother begs and comforts her but she refuses saying that unless roasted meat and barbecued fish is given to her she will kill herself. Her mother tells her to give her just five minutes and she will gets the roasted meat and the barbecued fish for her. She is happy to hear that. Her mother gets a piece of paper and she begins to write. 

Five minutes later, she comes into the sitting room and asks her mother about the roasted meat and barbecued fish. Her mother says she should wait a minute! Finally she comes out to her holding a can and a letter. "Look here you stubborn idiot! That woman whom you were living with in the city is my biological mother, and l am your biological mother, that means she is your grandmother!

I have  heard about how you torture her with your unnecessary demands thereby causing her a huge amount to enables her meets up with your heart desire! But l must warn you that l will never take that nonsense from you", She warns her. She then says to her mother, "If this is why you brought me from the city where l have been enjoying to come down here to suffer, then get ready to bury my corpse".

Her mother hands the can and the piece of paper to her saying, " This can is our village roasted meat and the piece of paper is our village barbecued fish ".

She takes them from her mother happily beaming with a smile. On opening the can, it contains a deadly poison and the piece of paper is a letter. "Mum, are these what you call roasted meat and barbecued fish here in the village?"

And her mother said, "Since you want to die, take the poison and drink it, when you are dead and gone to the land of the dead, tell your father that l said that why did he leave his nonsense daughter with me on earth. Also tell him that he should send his banks details to me so that l can withdraw all the money in them. Then tell him to show you my father, your grandfather. When you have seen him, then give him this letter and tell him that his family members are depriving we the female children from inheriting his landed properties. Now, you can drink it and die. Good riddance to a bad rubbish. See you on judgment day".

And she said, "So this is your plan why you brought me from the city? If you think l will die and leave this sweet world for you, then you are wrong. No way! Give me the basin so that l will go and fetch the water".

THAT ENDS THE PERENNIAL RUBBISH!

ABROAD A TIMES CAN BE COMPARED TO HEAVEN ABODE WHY THE LOCAL CITY HELL FIRE!

There was this local guy who met a white lady on the social media. They began to chat regularly and love sets in! They love each other dearly eventhough they have never met themselves physically. Then the white lady prepared a visa, international passport and flight ticket for the guy to come over to meet her abroad! The guy made the journey successfully!

He enjoyed himself to the fullest! They visited many interesting places and had fun to his satisfaction.He spent a year there and he returned home. About a year later, the white lady told him that she would like to visit him in his country. Everything was arranged and she came!

Now, this guy was from a riverine community. As they drove from the airport to the village, the road was so bad! They were thrown up and down as the driver tried to dodge the bad portions of the local roads! She became afraid and she asked the guy if he lives on top of rocks or mountains. The guy was really embarrassed because when he was with her in her country none of such embarrassments!

They managed to get to the waterside where they would board a boat to his home town. As they were sailing, big crabs, alligators and crocodiles with giant turtles were line up along the riverbank! She became exceeding afraid! She began to shake due to fear. The guy told her to keep still because if she shakes the boat too much the reptiles may get angry and attack the boat and they will automatically become meal for them.

Finally, they got to the guy's home town! As they walked to his family's compound, giant male chimpanzees, apes and baboons began to display their big and long manhood at her. And she became exceeding afraid and she shouted, "Men! What are these gaddem  ancestors up to men! Bullshit! Please phone the police to come and escort me down to the airport fast. On getting to the airport, she didn't even wait for an aeroplane. 

She found miraculous wings under her armpit and she flew away very fast! When she got home she made a call to the guy thus: Darling, l am back home in my country!

What about your bodyguards and friends! I mean those crocodiles, alligators, crabs, turtles, chimpanzees, Baboons and Apes? Extend my greetings to them! Men! You have a wonderful home!" 

THE FULFILLMENT OF THE DREAM

 A certain young man had a dream that he made love to a lady who was his archenemy. He enjoyed everything. And so when he woke up he told his best friend about the dream and how he enjoyed it. He also told his friend that he believes she will also agree for them to do it in the physical. But his friend warned him not to go to her and tell her but to keep it within himself because such a dream may be a sign of evil. But he refused and he went to the lady and said "So even with this our enmity you still allowed me to enjoy you? Why didn't you come to me directly and tell me that you love me instead of using fake enmity to coverup? That means, our enmity is only physical not spiritual. Can we have it in physical? Because it is said that "The spiritual controls the physical" That means, since we have done it in the spiritual, the physical will be a child's play. 

You were so wonderful dear; tossing me up and down. I almost lost the gravity of my Modula oblongata. Should we go into your room or right here in your shop? I am ever prepared "

Now, the lady understood exactly what he said and so she held him by his trousers and she shouted for help. A crowd soon gathered and she narrated what the guy said. The guy was stripped naked and paraded round the village. They branded him a wizard! 

N:B. A night guard must not speak about his unfortunate dreams or else, he would lose his job!

THE FOLLOWING ENSUED BETWEEN A FATHER AND HIS ELDEST SON!

FATHER: Michael my son. You are now 34 years old. Try to get yourself a good wife. Gather any amount you can and l will add to it and get a wife and stop all these hanky panky games. Before you know it, we have done the traditional marriage and the white wedding. Then the reception. That's all.

SON: Father, you see, this is the main reason why l hate this evolution. Why did it only affect the humans? If it were to be in the olden days, no need for all these traditional marriage and white wedding and reception. Everyone lives exactly like the animals. Any woman you like, whether sister or mother, you can impregnate her and there you get your children.

Look at all these our goats, cats, dogs, Rams, fowls etc, which day did you see them carrying drinks to their in-laws or planning either traditional marriage or white wedding or reception? And they even give birth more quickly than us humans. No day the women will complain of mensural flow or antenatal care or hospital bills! I beg l don't have any money to marry now. May God hear my prayers and return us human back to the dark ages! 

MY PEOPLE, WAHALA NOR TOO MUCH?

             SHOWING OF ONESELF IS VERY PARAMOUNT.

There was this young man, a roadside mechanic. He loves women a lot. At a time he started wooing a pretty looking lady who passes along the road where his shop was.

After about three months, the lady finally agreed to be his lover. He was very happy. Then the lady told him that on Sunday she would come to take him to her house. His joy knew no bound! On the said day, the lady came to take him down.

She said to him, "Darling, my name is Cynthia. I am a warrant officer of the Nigerian army. We are going to my house in the barracks now where l will introduce you to my colleagues. I was just newly transferred to the barracks. I believed some of my colleagues will know you better as a man who repairs cars because they in most cases bring their cars for repairs". 

The guy immediately remembered that he once raped a lady and he was arrested and taken to the barracks about a month ago where he was stripped naked and flogged for days! And so he said to the lady, "You see, taking of introduction, l just remembered now that today is our family ancestry introduction day. We the males are made to walk past the shrine one after the other in a form of spiritual cleansing. It is very important and l can't miss it. Your own introduction should be postponed".

And the lady said, "Don't you think military introduction superseded your traditional introduction? Let's go for mine first".

And the guy said, "No officer. In the military introduction you deal with humans but in the traditional introduction you deal with spirits. You can see that it is more important".

And the lady said, "I agree with you Darling. But unfailingly Tuesday, we will go to the barracks for the military introduction". 

After they have parted, the guy knelt down and said, "Ancestors of our land, l used your name to lie out of fear! Please you people should forgive me. Please, you people should turn away the mind of that lady from me. Let her not remember the address of my workshops, AMIN" 

WHEN THE gods WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU, NA SPIRITUAL KOBOKO DEM DEY USE!

Surprisedly, early morning on Tuesday, the lady in full combat military camouflage and five military escorts came to his house! "Darling! Darling!! I am here!!!" She called. The guy urinated on his body!

REMEMBER THAT ANYTHING YOU REQUESTED FOR, AN ADDITION WILL BE ADDED!

WHEN A FOOL REALIZES THAT HE IS A FOOL!

Once upon a time, a wealthy politician was robbed of five million naira in his house one evening. He was very angry with the policeman who was manning the gate and he took him to court. After the politician had narrated what took place that evening to the judge, the judge then asked the policeman why did he fail to protect his boss, the politician.

And the policeman said, "My lord. My boss is a well-known politician.  There is an allegation going around that he stole two hundred billion naira of the government which l believed is tax payers money. I pay tax monthly so my own money is among the money he alleged to have stolen.

I am a poor policeman receiving less than a hundred thousand naira as monthly salary. This man's children spend up to five million naira every weekend to celebrate with their friends. The robber on arrival said l should choose between allowing him to collect five million naira from the billion naira which he was alleged to have stolen or he takes my poor life. My lord, if you were in my shoes, what would you have done?  Allow him to take your poor life and allow the looter to continue to loot or you would rather allow the robber to teach him a little bitter lesson?

The policeman was discharged and acquitted.

N:B. THE DAY THE TORTOISE WILL RECEIVE THE BAPTISM OF HOT WATER IS THE DAY HE WOULD KNOW THAT WATER COMES IN TWO FORMS!

"SINCE THEY LOOK LIKE THE FEMALES, THEY SHOULD ALSO HAVE EVERYTHING THE FEMALES HAVE. QED"

There was this woman who has a boutique where she sells female dummies. Her husband was a chronic womanizer. One day she returned from the market and saw her husband using a sharp knife to create an opening between the dummies' thighs! The following ensued between them.

WIFE: Darling, what are you up to?

HUSBAND: You see, those who made these dummies made a very huge natural mistake and that is why l am making a correction. It is very important to correct it.

WIFE: What mistake?

HUSBAND: Since they look real like the females, they should have everything the females have. Just look between your laps. Is there not a natural opening? That is what those who made them forgot hence l am completing the job so that they can do whatever every woman can do.

WIFE: Don't tell me that your madness has gotten to a stage where you are now sleeping with female dummies!

HUSBAND: The difference is cleared! They wiil not complain of headache, mensural flow like you. They are ever ready! Every time action!

N:B, HE WHO WRESTLES WITH THE PIG MUST NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT FILTHINESS!

                         "BOTH OF US ARE WITCHES!" 

There was this thirty years old lady who organized a birthday party for her forty six years old mother. Many of the invitees came to dance with the celebrant including the daughter.

 Then she stood up and went to where her daughter's boyfriend was sitting and she held his arms and said, "Hello dear, excuse me dance".  Just as he was about to follow her down, her daughter stopped her and said, "Mum, not again! I can't allow you to dance with my boyfriend because you are a well-known husbands snatcher!

Remember that you once told me that you snatched your first husband at a traditional wedding during a dance. You also narrated how my father and his wife to be went to a party and on the dancing floor you snatched him from her and he became your husband. You have this type of witchcraft charm in you that attracts other people's lovers. I won't risk that".

And the mother said, "Don't you know that you also have that witchcraft in you?

And the daughter said, "God forbid! Holy ghost fire! Not me and you!"

And the mother said, "My daughter, l hope you remember that five brothers were in love with you. I put the same witchcraft in your body so that you can choose the richest one amongst them. Today, you are happy with your wealthy boyfriend courtesy of the same witchcraft. So my dear, both of us are witches!"

                        

                                   TESTING THE PASTOR!

There was this rich young man. One day, he decided to test a certain popular pastor. He went to the pastor and said, "Sir, l had a dream last night that l broke into a supermarket and stole a lot of expensive jewelries and electronic gadgets. I was not caught. I succeeded. Should l go in physical?"

PASTOR: Well, l can't say that you should not go and l can't say that you should go. Only what l can say is good luck and don't forget me when you returned. The next day, the young man went and bought some jewelries and some electronic gadgets and he took them to the pastor. He told him that he went and he succeeded. The pastor then told him that the dream was from God.

About a year later, the young man went to the pastor again and said, "Sir, l had a dream last night and l broke into a bank and l stole a lot of money. I returned home successfully. Should l go in physical?" 

PASTOR: I Can't say that you should not go and l can't say that you should go. Only what l can say to you is good luck and don't forget me when you returned. A week later, the man brought a huge sum of money to the pastor and he told him that he went and returned successfully. The pastor told him that the dream was from God.

A year later, the young man went to the pastor once more and said, "Sir, l had a dream last night and l found myself sleeping with your eldest daughter and after that l went to you straight and asked her hand in marriage and you agreed immediately. Should l try it in physical?"

PASTOR: No! No! No!!! My young man. Don't ever try it. The dream is from the devil and not from God. 

It is satanic!

Infact, devilish!

Luciferism and catastrophically doomed!

I know dreams from God and those not from God. This is never from God.

And the young man became angry with the pastor and he said, "In that case, l am going to report all the crimes that l have committed to the police and l will tell them that we are partners in crime".

Now, when the pastor saw the implications of what the young man has just said, he knelt down and begged him saying, " Young man, let do it in this way. Since wife is your problem, l will arrange a very pretty looking daughter of one of the members of the Church for you even two or three right away as your wives and not my daughter. You are a criminal and for that you can't marry my daughter ".

I HOPE SAY UNA HEAR PASTOR SO?

 HOW THE WORLD GO TAKE BETTER NOW?

July 24th, 2025, 12:44am.

NEVER SHOULD YOU DOUBT THE POWER OF MR LION!

Once upon a time, a certain teacher who was posted to one of the riverine schools assaulted some of the students and he ended up breaking two of the students' feet. He was arrested and later released on bail. 

But the parents of the two students whose feet were broken by the teacher continued their call for justice. Then a retired teacher finally came to their rescue. He charged the matter to court. He filed an allegation of assault and battery against the teacher. 

On the first day of the court sitting, he told the court that the teacher acted excessively and that his conduct has brought a huge disgrace to the teaching profession. He told the court that he was a retired teacher. He said he taught in the UK, USA, GERMANY AND INDIA before he was retired. He said that a good teacher doesn't flog his students let alone battering them with a stick like his colleague did.

"You see, speak to them gently and encourage them. You don't lift up the whip because of your students. The whip is meant for cows and donkeys and not humans. You pet students. For all the years l spent teaching in different countries of the world, l can't remember a day that l ever flog a student. Based on all what l have just said, my lord, l would like you to sentence this criminal to a twelve year jail terms. He deserves no pity! He is a very cruel soul. How could he have used a piece of wood to hit these teenage boys of about sixteen years of age?"

And the teacher who was accused of battery said to the judge, "My lord, this retired colleague of mine doesn't know the difference between teaching in Europe, America and the other civilized country and our local country. You teach and talk to peaceful doves there while we teach and talk with serpents and lions here. My lord, before l will serve any jail terms, l would like this honourable court to direct the ministry of education to post this man to the same school where l had a fight with these students for just a month. If no problem whatsoever, then l am ready to serve any jail terms prescribed by this honourable court".

And the request of the accused was immediately granted. The retired teacher was posted there on Sunday evening. On Monday, very early in the morning he got ready and went to school. He waited but no single student. He went into the village and he saw most of the students with their school uniform going to either farms, fishing or hunting. He became very angry with them and he talked to them. But they told him that school is a scam.

He threatened to seize their fishing equipment. And they told him that if he doesn't mind his business, they would tie him down and connect cable wires and antenna to his shining Baldhead and it will show pictures like a real television set. And boy came forward and grabbed his tie. A big fight ensued between them and they beat him to stupor and stripped him naked.

He managed to get an iron bar and he hit some of the boys with it as a self-defense. In so doing he broke four of the boys legs. He took them to the hospital and the next day he ran to the court with bruised and badly battered body. The judge couldn't recognized him at first. And he said to the judge, "My lord, this teacher who broke two of those students feet should be given an excellent award immediately as the most patient and low tampered man. He was a saint to have used a piece of wood to broke only two of the students' feet. On my case. I broke four students legs with an iron bar as a self-defense. Infact l barely escaped with my life.

I doff my hat for him. He was a better teacher than l. Back to the UK, l go!"

HE WHO CROSSED THE RIVER IS TELLING YOU HOW DEEP IT IS AND YOU WHO IS STANDING ON THE BANK OF THE RIVER IS DISPUTING HIM. NA WA FOR UNA O!

MISTAKEN IDENTITY VERSUS KISSING THE HORSEWHIP!

There was this guy an undergraduate of one of the tertiary institutions. He often plays with a certain lady of the same faculty with him. This lady was tall and slim. One day both of them had a bet that anywhere they see themselves, the first person to see the other should hug him or her and plant a hot kiss on his or her lips.

Then one day, this guy was walking along a busy street when he saw a tall and slim lady who looks exactly like his colleague. Without wasting time he rushed down and hugged her very tightly and planted several hot kisses on her lips simultaneously! 

But when he looked at her closely he realized he had made a very terrible blunder! She is not the lady. As he was trying to explain and apologise to her, a young army officer emerged and the following ensued between them.

SOLDIER MAN: You this bloody civilian, how dare you hugged and kissed my wife in my presence? Now, it is either you kiss and hug my rifle or my belt or my horsewhip or l break your spinal cord with a hard kick.

GUY: Officer, please, it is a mistook identity, sorry sir, l mean mistakingly identification. Or is it mistake identity or mistaking identification. Please sir, l am an undergraduate but due to the fear l have lost my use of the English language. I don't even know whether it is English language or Swahili language that l am speaking again.

She looks exactly like a colleague of mine hence the kissable huggedness on her lips. Is that English language correct Sir?

Please hugging the rifle will be an instant death. And hugging either your belts or horsewhip will makes me skinless like a roasted pig meat. Oh, dear! what shall l do?

NA THE LEAF WEY DEY SWEET GOAT PASS, NAIM DEY KILL AM.   24th July 2025, 11:34am

                   NO SINNER WILL GO UNPUNISHED!

All these terminologies are used for different types of death according to the activities of the victim on earth.

(1) HE OR SHE DON KPAAE!

It means the victim died as a result of atrocities such as sleeping with people's wives and using money to oppress the poor, snatching of people's husbands. Carrying of fake rumours from one place to the other. Terrible judgement awaits him or her!

(2) HE OR SHE DON KPUFF!

It means the victim died from law enforcement agent gun as a result of robbing, kidnappings, raping of women and all purposes wickedness! Terrible judgement awaits him or her!

(3) HE OR SHE DON DELETE!

It means the victim died from a protracted ailment such as stroke or diabetes as a result of forceful taking of people's lands and properties and preparing charms to destroy their neighbours! Eviction of tenants regularly to put new ones as to collect landlord drink and caution fees for the house that was built by your forefathers! General wickedness to fellow humans! The earth would have no alternative than to delete such evil souls!

(4) HE OR SHE DON LEGHOLE!

It means the victim died as a wasted generation whose aims is only to do evil. Such as a land owner who would sell the same land to many persons. A car dealer who after selling out his car would gang up with robbers to trace the address and steal the car. He or she is always a friend to law enforcement agents and using them to intimidate people and also using corrupt lawyers and judges to carry out their evil ways! Terrible judgement awaits him or her!

(5) HE OR SHE DON DIE!

It means the victim died abruptly from either accident or cardiac arrest or hypertension as a result of heinous crimes and disrespectful to the laws of nature. A lady who agreed to marry a man but after the man had spent a fortune on her, then he is no longer your march! Men who deceive ladies to sleep with them and later refused to pay for the services rendered and resort to beating them! Since the earth is fed up with such a person, then the law of the wages of sin is death follows. Harsh judgement awaits him or her!

(6) HE OR SHE DON PASS ON!

It means the victim died from a protracted ailment such as excessive intake of alcohol, drugs abuse, lack of medications and hard malnutrition through cancer and vision problems!

Passing on to face a hard judgement for the disobedience of natural laws!

(7) HE OR SHE DON GO!

It means the victim is going straight to punishment having laundered public money, abandoned projects after collection of funds, duping and scamming people, harming innocent people due to jealousy, lied in the name of God and general recklessness! Punishment you must go!

(8) HE OR SHE DON SLEEP!

Yes! This is a blessed death!  The victim died in his or her sleep peacefully without oxygen, urinating and excreting on his or her body!  This victim have done his or her best to obey the creator and also to fulfill his or her concept of coming into the world! Bosom of father Abraham will he or she be!

NOW, NA WHICH ONE BE YOUR OWN WHEN YOUR TIME GO COME?  NA YOUR PRESENT DOINGS GO TELL YOU YOUR PORTION!

REMEMBER THAT NO HIGH AND THUNDEROUS THE SKY MAY SOUND, IT CAN'T BREAK THE EARTH!

A THATCH HOUSE IS ON FIRE AGAIN! WHO CAN SAFELY PUT OFF THE FIRE?

BETWEEN THE POLICE, THE PASTOR AND THE PSYCHIATRIC DOCTOR, WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CUSTODY OF THIS MAN?

UP POLPADOC! UP POLPADOC!! UP POLPADOC!!!

Once upon a time, a certain man abused drugs and he became demonically possessed and later became mad and he killed several persons. Due to his menace a psychiatric doctor was called to take custody of him because of the madness. The doctor came and found out that he was possessed by demons and he called a spiritual church pastor. When the pastor found out that he had killed several persons, he called the police because it was a murder case.

Later, the police, the pastor and the doctor stood closer to the man and they began to argue on whose custody he supposed to be.

POLICE: Since he is demonically possessed, l think the pastor should be the best person to handle him.

PASTOR:  Since he is mad due to drugs abused, l think the doctor should be the best person to handle him.

DOCTOR: Since he had killed several persons means he is a criminal and l believed the police should be the best person to handle him.

As the argument continues, the man came forward with an iron bar. They all fled and left behind the following which the man took.

The policeman left behind his handcuffs and rifle. The pastor left behind, anointing oil, incense and Bible, the doctor left behind his stethoscope and syringes.

Now, armed with the policeman's rifle and handcuffs and the pastor's anointing oil, incense and Bible with the doctor's stethoscope and syringes, he began to shout, "Everybody listen, any problem that you are having, just come to me; the new Messiah in town! My name is POLPADOC, THE GREAT. POLPADOC is a new Trinity being created from POLICE, PASTOR AND DOCTOR= the abbreviation of POLPADOC". 

REMEMBER THAT WHEN FIRE RAZES DOWN THE JUNGLE. EVEN MR LION, THE KING OF THE JUNGLE MUST RUN FOR HIS DEAR LIFE!

                          "CANCEROUS BACTERIA"

THE FOLLOWING ENSUED BETWEEN JUNIOR AND HIS FATHER WHO IS A LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENT.

JUNIOR: Dad, last week, uncle Emma from the UK and aunty Bosede from the U.S. both sent you pounds and dollars for you to start a good business. Both of us went to the bank where the money was converted into our local currency and it amounts one hundred and fifty million naira. But surprisedly, on my way to school this morning l saw you and your colleagues at your usual roadblock doing your normal collection of fifty and hundred naira from motorists, tricycle operators and motorcycle operators.Dad, with all the millions in your account. Are you mad?

FATHER: My son, you see, l am not mad at all! The only problem is that the bribery and collections have been institutionalized into my DNA. It is like the proverbial case of the rat. No how small, big or old a rat may be, it can't abandon stealing because it is already in the ancestry DNA. My son, it is like a terrible disease!

JUNIOR: Dad, Infact, not just a disease but a cancerous bacteria!

"SATAN IS EQUAL TO A MOBILE COURT. INSTANT JUDGMENT".

There was this pretty looking lady who works in a business centre. She types and photocopies documents for customers. One rainy afternoon, she was all alone in the office when a huge looking man came in to photostat a document. As he entered the office, he saw the paragon of beauty all alone in the office. The front of his trousers started to raise and bulges up. It swelled out mightily.

The lady became suspicious of the man's ulterior motive and she became afraid because she was all alone. She told him that her photocopying machine was not functional. And the man said,"All things been equal. If yours is not working, mine is working excellently. Just take a look at the front of my trousers and a trial will convince you". The lady then fled the office leaving behind the man. 

When her boss came, she narrated what happened to him. He told her that in case of next time, if she feels threatened then she should immediately hangs the photographs of military officers on the walls.

Another time the same thing happened and she also fled the office. Her boss asked her why didn't she hang the military officers' photographs as he directed her. She said that the man was a military officer. And the boss told her that next time if it is a military officer, then she should hang the photographs of heavy weight boxers like mike Tyson and other notable boxers. Another time, the same ugly history repeated itself and she fled as usual. 

She told her boss that the man was a heavy weight boxer. And he told her that should he returns again, she should hang the photographs of Jesus Christ and that of the heavenly angels.  Another time she fled and she told her boss that the man was a pastor. And he advised her that should he returns again, she should hang the photographs of Satan. 

After that, no more threat again! She was surprised and she asked her boss why do people fear Satan than God. And he said, "You see, Satan is equal to a MOBILE COURT, INSTANT JUDGMENT!"

THE WITCHES AND THE WIZARDS IN ANY FAMILY NEVER TROUBLE ANYBODY WHO IS MAD IN THE FAMILY BUT THE RICH AND PROSPEROUS ONES!

                               SCAM OR GHOST?

Once upon a time, the authority of a certain school asked all the students to fill a form for a proper documentation. Each of the students was given the form. The below were what three sisters filled.

                                        FORM

NÀME OF STUDENT: Scam!

FATHER'S NAME: Scam!

MOTHER'S NAME: Scam!

FATHER'S OCCUPATION: Scam!

MOTHER'S OCCUPATION: Scam!

PARENTS' ETHNIC GROUP:Scam!

PARENTS' HOME ADDRESS: Scam!

PARENTS' PHONES NUMBERS: Scam!

The principal was surprised and she summoned the three sisters to her office. She asked them the reason why they filled the blank spaces with scam. And the eldest of them said: We don't have parents. We live by the grace of God. We usually close from school at 5:00pm and we get home by 6:00pm daily. After preparing food, we take our bath, eat, watch movies and go to bed at 9:00pm and wake up at 6:00 am. We then prepare food, bathe and eat our breakfast and then go to school. 

Whenever we need money for anything, we would write the amount on a piece of paper and drop it on the table. The next morning, the money is on the table. Someone told us that our father comes from work at 11:30pm and our mother from market at 10:30pm hence we don't see them and every morning, our father goes to work at 5:00am and our mother goes to the market at 5:30am, hence we never know them.

And the principal trying to explain their parents attitude to them as to help them  said, "You made a mistake by using the word 'SCAM' the appropriate word you should have used is 'GHOST'. Your parents are ghosts not humans. And the girls collapsed!

REMEMBER THAT SOME REMEDIES ARE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE ITSELF!

"I BEG MADAM, GO SITDOWN YOU NOR GET HUSBAND NA EMPTY PACKAGING YOU DEY"

When a woman has a husband and when she hasn't.

WITH A HUSBAND?

GUY: Good morning, madam akara. I saw you and your husband yesterday afternoon. Both of you were talking under an upstairs.

WOMAN: Yes, l remember. He is my customer not my husband. He is a very good customer of mine. So till today you still haven't known my husband. He is the first mechanic by the left once you enter Lasisi road. That is where my Darling husband works.

NO HUSBAND!

GUY:  Good morning Sister Bridget, how are you? I saw you yesterday with your husband at the front of a mechanical workshop. Both of you were talking.

BRIDGET: God forbid! God forbid! He is not my husband. Do you think l will open my eyes to marry that kind of man? Alcoholic man? He is just a customer of mine.

GUY: But who is that your husband self? I would like to know him one day. Where does he work?

BRIDGET: My husband? Em, Em, he doesn't come out as such. Nothing really concern me and him much. Everybody dey cane e line. Eem bros, should l come to your house during the weekend to collect that thing?  I hope you will prepare a nice meal wait me?

MADAM, I BEG MAKE I HEAR WORD, YOU NOR GET HUSBAND. YOU BE CHEERFUL GIVER!

THE BELOW SCENE SHOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHEN A MAN IS OWING A WOMAN MONEY BASED ON PHYSICAL GOODS HE BOUGHT FROM HER ON CREDIT AND WHEN HE IS OWING HER MONEY BASED ON SEX HE HAD WITH HER ON CREDIT.

ON PHYSICAL GOODS ON CREDIT.

WOMAN: Oga, l don come for my money. Oya, nor waste my time.

MAN: Madam, l beg l will pay you. Just bear with me.

WOMAN: No, no, no! I need my money now so that l can go market to buy other goods. If everybody should buy on credit, then how can l sustain the business? I beg you, give me my money for peace to reign or else you will beat me because of the money O. E be like say l go call my husband come meet you make una do am man to man.

MAN: I beg madam, e never reach so now! I promised you. I go pay you.

                                SEX ON CREDIT

WOMAN: Oga sir, how now? I nor come see you again? You nor just show up as you promised at all. All this your promise and fail is not good at all O! God dey see you O. If you like you pay, if you like make you nor pay. Another time dey.  I don go.

And off she goes!

WHEN A MAN CRUNCHES ON A LADY AND SHE TURNED HIM DOWN VERSUS WHEN A LADY CRUNCHES ON A GUY AND HE TURNED HER DOWN.

When the lady turned PATRICK down.

FRANCIS:  Patrick, there something l observed about that boutique lady. Anytime both of us pass the front of her shop, she looks at you somehow. Honestly Patrick, I love that lady. She is the woman of my dream. I am planning to woo her.

PATRICK: Francis my friend. Don't ever go there. She is nothing but a mercenary prostitute! I once caught her red handed inside her boutique with a man making love in a broad daylight. She then begged me to also sleep with her but l refused. She even begged me with money but l also refused hence she looks at me with shame on her face.

When the guy turned ESTHER down.

MARIA: Esther, that guy who works in that new bank seems to hate you. He looks at you disdainfully anytime he passes here. What is the matter with you people. I am saying this because l am admiring him.

ESTHER: Don't mind him. He thinks l am one of those cheap harlots in town. One day he lifted me in his car. And wanted to make love to a whole me in the car. He begged and begged and l warned him. He is such a wayward man.  Don't give him face at all. Once he calls you don't ever go or else we will become enemies. I don't follow wayward men and l don't expect you my friend to do the same. I warned you.

WHO IS THE GREATEST LIAR AMONGST THEM?

These four guys shared their worse encountered since their birth at a time when they were at their wits end!

FIRST GUY: As a proud owner of a new Prado Jeep. I was on my way to Anambra state in Nigeria. On getting to the famous Onitsha bridge, l saw some armed robbers just by the bridge waiting for a car to snatch to use for an operation. I was just a stone throw from them. Immediately, l opened my mouth and swallowed my Jeep. And l walked past them across the bridge to the other side. I vomited it and entered into my car and continued on my journey safely.

SECOND GUY: I got a job to clear a piece of land for a hundred thousand naira. But the law was that the job must not take me into the night hours. I must complete it when the sun was still shining! And the job would takes seven hours and l started at 4pm. When it was six O'Clock and the weather was getting dark, l just stretched my hand toward the sky and l commanded the time to remain in 6pm till l would be done with the job. And so the sun remained standing in a particular position. Every hour, it asks me if l have done. When l was done, l thanked him and as a Nigerian, l tipped him some amount of money to buy beer. It was very happy. It took the money and closed the day. I succeeded!

THIRD GUY: My father had lots of properties. After his death, five years later, there was a power tussle between us the children in regards to who gets what! I am the eldest son. The younger ones refused to listen to me. When it came to a climax, l called a family general meeting. When we have all assembled, l walked to our father's grave and l called him to come out to share the properties because he didn't make a will before his death. My father just walked out of the grave looking very healthy. After greeting everyone, he asked us to entertain him and we presented, wine, kola nut and supported it with some money according to our tradition. And he shared the properties amongst us peacefully and he returned to his grave.

FOURTH GUY: I was living in South Africa. I then had a misunderstanding with the locals. My building was the biggest and the most beautiful amongst all the buildings in south Africa. The locals were jealous of me. They made everything to provoke me so that l Will either flee away and leave the building for them to inherit or sell it to them. It came to a time and they gave me a week to leave the city or l will be dead! They were looking forward to my departure so that they can go and take possession of it. On the night before the ultimatum given to me to leave would expired, l uprooted it and carried it on my head down to Nigeria. Because it was bigger than any ship or aeroplane, l have to put it on my head and walked down to my village. I planted it in my village and my enemies were disappointed!

NA WA FOR WIRE ROAD O! DEM NOR DEY PLAY WAYO FOR WAYO HOUSE O!

CAN YOU BEAT THIS? DEFINATELY NOT!

THE SIGNIFICANT OF THESE FOUR NAMES!

MISS BATHROOM, MASTER BENCH, MASTER KEKE NAPEP AND MASTER STANDAK

There was this thirty years old man who had four children from four different mothers.  Based on the names given to the children, the headmistress of the primary school the children were attending decided to know the reason why he as a father should give such names to his children. The following ensued between the headmistress and the father.

HEADMISTRESS: Sir, going by the names of these your four kids, l was forced to come to find out from you, why such names?

FATHER: Thank you headmistress. You see, l have been a womanizer since my childhood. At the age of fifteen years, l had a girlfriend. We both loved each other! Since l was still under my parents' roof, l had a problem of an accommodation and so we decided to be having fun inside the bathroom. Later, she became pregnant. Since the pregnancy was as a result of the fun we had inside the bathroom, l decided to name the child "BATHROOM" And by the Grace of God, she will grow up to become a housemaid who will wash bathrooms and toilets for her employer.

The same thing took place with my second child. As usual, since there was no accommodation, we had to wait until the traders had closed and gone home for the day and we would then used their benches as a bed where we had fun. As usual, the girl became pregnant for me. She gave birth to a baby boy and l decided to name him "Bench" because it was on the benches that we had the fun that led to his pregnancy. By the Grace of God, he will grow up to become a carpenter whose job is to make benches for traders.

The mother of my third child and l usually waited until when the tricycle riders had closed for the day and parked their Keke Napep, we would go inside them to have fun. She became pregnant as usual and she put to bed a baby boy hence l named the baby "Keke Napep" and by the Grace of God, he will grow up to become a Keke Napep rider!

The last child's case was more embarrassing! His mother and l have to wait until everyone had gone to bed! Then we had to go into the darkness and had fun while standing, hence the name "STANDAK" which is an abbreviation of "Standing in Darkness" and by the Grace of God he will grow up to become a permanent night guard who will stand in the darkness guarding gates!

"SO HEADMISTRESSES, THIS IS THE ANSWEE TO YOUR QUESTION"

                      ATTENTION! ATTENTION!! ATTENTION!!!

THIS IS PURELY FOR ADULTS AND NOT FOR ANYBODY BELOW 18 YEARS!

Once upon a time, a man was making love with his girlfriend. To avoid an unwanted pregnancy, the man used a condom. But after ejaculation, he kept on the enjoyment job. Suddenly, he lose erection and his manhood became flat and the condom dropped into the lady!

He then got a short broom stick to take it out. The stick also fell inside and so he couldn't got out the condom! He then folded a piece of paper and tried to used it to take out both the condom and the broom stick but unfortunately, they all fell inside her! He then abandoned them inside and he continued the love making without any protection! That month, the lady became pregnant and all attempts to abort the pregnancy proved futile! Nine months later, the lady put to bed a bouncing baby boy! The baby had a hat on his head, a wrapper tied on his waist and a walking stick on his hand!

And the people roared with a shout! "THIS IS THE GOD OF THE NIGER-DELTA PEOPLE!"

20th September, 2025. 11:20 am.

                       "DADDY, YOU ARE UPDATED!" 

There was a man with four beautiful looking daughters. They all took after their mother with almost the same face. Since they were replica of their mother, whosoever sees them knows immediately whom their mother was!

They were all in the secondary school! Whenever their father gave them money to take to school, they refused by saying, "Don't worry Dad, the Lord will surely provides for us. Those who are clever never get the harsh condition of thirst during fasting".

And their father said to them one day. "My daughters, the snake doesn't give birth to something short in nature! I befriended your mother at the age of fifteen years when she was in her first year in the senior secondary school. I usually gave her enough money for her needs! Because of this, whenever her father gave her money to take to school, she usually told him not to worry because the Lord would surely provides! I hope history is not replicating itself?" And they replied unanimously, "Daddy, you are updated!"

And the man collapsed.

REMEMBER THAT THE BEAUTY OF THE "GOLD" IS ITS SPARKLING NATURE IN THE DARKNESS!

OCTOBER 2nd, 2025, 2:15 am.

PRESENT NIGERIA INDEPENDENCE DAY CELEBRATION AND THAT OF THE PAST!

THE FOLLOWING ENSUED BETWEEN JUNIOR AND HIS FATHER ON THE MORNING OF NIGERIAN 65th INDEPENDENCE DAY CELEBRATION!

JUNIOR: Dad, what is the difference between those days Nigeria independence day celebration and that of today? People always say that the ones of the past were the real independence celebrations, not that of today. How true is it?

FATHER: That is the truth my son. You see, in the past we celebrated "INDEPENDENCE" but today we celebrate "DEPENDENCE"  Because then, we were self sufficient! We did everything on our own, but today, we live on foreign loans, borrowed money, indebtedness and many other foreign countries' help. 

JUNIOR: Dad, l am afraid, don't you think that one day those countries which we borrowed money from will come down here and enslaved us since we can't pay back? Dad, you the elderly have to do something now!

FATHER: Well, my son. I am already eighty years old. That means when they will come down here to enslaved us, l might have been dead; so, it is you the youths that will suffer for that.

JUNIOR: Dad, only those who enjoyed the loans with their family members that will be taken down to face this second slavery! Look, Dad, they will know the reason why the cutlass is created! We the youths will rise up with cutlasses and tie them together with their families to be extradited into slavery. Did we enjoy the money with them? Dad, talk another thing, when the time comes, history will be created! You don't expect me to suffer for what l know nothing about. Do you? 

FATHER: Well my son, a word they say is enough for a fool because he will not understand if they are many!