AFRICA NATURAL STORIES

One day, l took my wife to see a medical doctor because she wasn't feeling too fine. After we have taken card, we were given a seat. We sat there waiting for the doctor. Then, he finally arrived! We were the first to be attended to. My wife told him how she was feeling. He asked her to follow him into the examination room.

I was watching them from under the curtain. I saw my wife's feet and that of the doctor closer to each other. Little while l didn't see my wife's feet again, only the doctor's feet l saw. I knew that she was lying on the bed and the doctor was examining her. Little while, l didn't see the doctor's feet again! I was disturbed and l ran into the room shouting, "Doctor! Doctor!! Where are your feet?"

Then l saw that he went to another inner room to get an instrument! You see guys, don't blame me too much because when a man and a woman are standing near a bed and suddenly you don't see the woman's feet again means she is lying on the bed. If the man's feet also suddenly disappeared means he has also climbed the bed to join her for the action.

You see, the best profession is to be a doctor! I chose the wrong career for not being a doctor!

You see, it is only doctor who can say to eithet the Queen, President's wife, governor or minister's wife, "Your majesty or your Excellency, please lie down on the bed and take off your clothes; it seems you are having some complications. Let me examine you".

When she has undressed, the doctor would look at her seductive body and salivate codedly. He would first touch her breasts, press and fond with them for a while and he would say, "There is an obscure lump in your breasts. This is a sign of an incoming cancer but not to worry, l will clear it right away". He would then go to the engine between the thighs!

He would press its soft surface and say, "Do you feel little pains when urinating? Or do you feel pains during your monthly flow?"

Obviously, you know women, she will say, "Exactly doctor".

That is giving a powerful sword to a strong man! And the doctor would touch and press it again.

Holy Moses! This is sitting on the chair of heaven without first dying! He would say, "Don't worry, you would be alright. You came at the right time because it hasn't gotten to the complicated stage. Now put on your dress Your Majesty and let me give you drugs!"

Meanwhile, he has seen the unseen and touched the untouchable! What a wonderful profession that l missed. Only the fringe benefits are enormous!

REMEMBER, IT IS JUST A JOKE!

KATIARA DON TIE KATIABA GO KASANARA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT!

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN, "DEM GIVE AM BELLE, SHE DON CARRY BELLE AND SHE DON GET BELLE!"

FOR THE SAKE OF THOSE WHO ARE NOT AFRICANS.

THE PIDGIN ENGLISH IS OUR MAJOR LINGUAL FRANCA!

TRY AND STUDY IT WITH THE BELOW.

There are three ways in which a woman can become pregnant in our local lingual franca.

THESE ARE:

(1) DEM GIVE AM BELLE

(2) SHE DON CARRY BELLE

(3) SHE DON GET BELLE

The total breakdown is as follows:

The first one which is: DEM GIVE AM BELLE means that the said lady became pregnant with about ten or more men in contention. To be able to determine the true owner of the pregnancy, DNA is needed if not, no definite father but there are suspects! Her mother has to embark on a door to door of bachelors to ask the most embarrassing question on earth. That is, "Bros, l beg don't be annoy. My foolish daughter said she befriended you sometimes ago. And now she is pregnant hence we are here to beg you to tell us the truth".

The two first replies she may likely get are: MADAM, GET OUT OF HERE NOW NOW, WITH YOUR ASHAWO PINKIN IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAB YOU WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE or MADAM NOR BE ONLY ME O, WE PLENTY WEY DEY NACK AM O! GO FRONT OTHER GUYS STILL DEY THERE".

Can any embarrassment be more than this?

How would you know where you got what you did not know when it happened? Impossible!

The second one which is: SHE DON CARRY BELLE is even worse because it means she has nobody to pin the pregnancy on! That means no hope as a result of ANYHOW WAKA-WAKA ABOUT OR CHEERFUL GIVER! She should be ready to shoulder the responsibilities all alone because no suspect! No need for the mother to make a move because everyday MALLAM ABOKI SUYA MEAT POINT and FRIED CHICKEN WITH YAM or BARBECUED JOINTS!

She nor know where she for carry the gift WEY big pass am!

That kind of pinkin na him mama papa name he dey answer for school.

The third which is: SHE DON GET BELLE is exactly a blessing! Yes, this is a blessing from God! When a woman is legally married and she becomes pregnant, we say, "SHE DON GET BELLE". This is the blessing that every married woman prays for!

MY BIG SISTER WEY DEY LOOK ME WITH YOUR BIG NAKED EYES WEY NOR GET MONEY TO BUY PANT WEAR, NA WHICH ONE BE YOUR OWN?

FIRST OR SECOND OR THIRD?

I STILL DEY WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWER O!

OGOLOTO DON TIE IGELEKE GO IGALAKA MARKET GO BUY TROUBLE FOR CREDIT AGAIN O!

NA WHO GO COME PAY AM NOW?

There was this couple who always quarrel over love making. One day the man indulged in an extramarital affair with a lady. When he returned home, the following ensued between him and his wife.

HUSBAND: Today, l experienced the best drink on earth and exactly like the name, the difference is cleared. The bottle was round and the content was so juicy! Again and again, l repeat; the difference is cleared! No two ways about it.

The wife immediately suspected that her husband had gone out to sleep with another woman hence he used the word, "The difference is cleared". She also decided do her own. She also indulged in an extramarital affair. When she got home, she too bragged saying, "Yes, l have also tasted the drink name the difference is cleared. And actually the difference of this drink is cleared from the regular one l was used to. The bottle is so big, round and juicy! I love it!"

The husband became very angry and he summoned a general family meeting. On the day of the judgment after the eldest member of the family had listened to their statements, he thought that what they tasted was the 7UP drink which has the inscription: 'THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR'

And he said, "Our son and our daughter. Both of you have really done well by drinking the difference is clear. I have taken it before and l am encouraging all of you here to continue to taste of it. Don't do without it. In the morning, afternoon and evening, three times a day. So l congratulate both of you for this wonderful discovery.

After you have taken it you will never go to your former tasteless and old-fashioned local stuff again. Since both of you have tasted it, and you love it,

Continue on it daily, l assured you that both of you have gotten my blessing for you to continue ceaselessly!

And the couple said, "Sir, are you encouraging us to continue drinking the difference is clear?"

And he said, "Exactly! It is good for both of you."

THE COUPLE COLLAPSED

" THIS MIRACLE WAS MORE ACCURATE THAN THE WATER THAT WAS TURNED INTO WINE AT A MARRIAGE CEREMONY IN CANAAN"

There this area in Nigeria in the 70s known as ,"NO PADDY IN JUNGLE " It was known for its notoriety! All the ranks and titles of the areas boys go there to plan their various robbery activities. THE OKPODU, KAKO, OSTAKO, IWHIUS, ATIKO, OGBOLOGBOS ETC. Even if you abandoned your excrements there, it would be stolen! There was a woman selling alcohol and Indian helm aka lgbo alias wewe at this spot. It was a beehive of criminality!

When the criminals have robbed, they go there to drink and share their loots! The then military governor of the state decided to put a stop to it!

One morning a big caravan was brought and placed at the edge of the forest. There were photographs of air-conditioning, television sets, refrigerators, video machines, pressing irons, fans etc on it indicating that they were the gadgets inside!

When the area boys saw it, they raised up their hands and thanked God. "We are in money guys! This night we are going to work on it. Man must wack. No slacking", they shouted joyfully.

That night they came to burgle it. The leader of the gang led his men down. After they had broken the locks they opened it with joy to pack the goods. But they came face to face with fully armed soldiers! They retreated. The leader of the gang fled and climbed a wall hoping to jump down on the other side of the road and escape. But as he jumped down to the other side of the road, he landed directly inside a parked land rover surrounded by fierce looking mobile policemen fully armed! He looked them round and he closed his eyes.

And one of the policemen said to him, "Mr man, what pursued you to have jumped the high fence this night and fell into our vehicle?" And the leader of the gang said, "Sir, l have never seen this type of miracle before or heard about it. Anyways, you people should better shoot me to death because l can never open my mouth to tell you what actually happened. It is too shameful!"

REMEMBER THAT "A BRAVE WARRIOR NEVER TURNS HIS BACK ON THE BATTLE AT THE DRUMS OF WAR!"

THOSE WHO LIVE NEAR THE RIVER MUST NOT GET DRUNK!

This dialogue ensued between a father and his fifteen years old daughter.

FATHER: Come here Esther. What is this you are doing? A boy holding your hand? Abomination! You are in trouble!

ESTHER: But daily l see you wrestling with the housemaid in the kitchen but l never challenge you. Even when you floor her!

FATHER: No my daughter, you misunderstood me. I mean both of you should be doing it inside the bedroom so that nobody will sees you.

DAUGHTER: Dad, are you encouraging me to be having an affair with a man at this tender age?

FATHER: Honestly my daughter l am confused! All that l need now is what will makes you happy so that the night guard will not expose his dream because the exposure of the night guard's dreams will definitely leads to his sack!

My daughter, please cover your mouth! My reputation is at stake!

EX RAYING THE PUNISHMENT FOR INDECENT DRESSING OFFENDERS!

Now, a secret debate was held on what punishment should be given to any female caught dressed indecently.

GROUP A IS THE OPINIONS OF THE VARIOUS LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES.

GROUP B IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG BACHELORS.

GROUP C IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED WOMEN.

GROUP D IS THE OPINION OF MARRIED MEN.

GROUP E IS THE OPINION OF YOUNG SPINSTERS.

NOW, GROUP A VERSUS GROUP B VERSUS GROUP C VERSUS GROUP D VERSUS GROUP E.

WHICH OF THEM DO YOU LIKE TO JOIN?

REMEMBER SAY ENJOYMENT NOR GET BONE O

AND AWOOF DEY RUN BELLE O!

The followings are the various groups submissions.

GROUP A, LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three of them to enjoy her for twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.

GROUP B, YOUNG BACHELORS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be given to two or three young bachelors to enjoy her for at least twenty minutes to teach her an everlasting sweet memory.

GROUP C, MARRIED WOMEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be flogged mercilessly for about five good minutes and then release to go.

GROUP E, MARRIED MEN: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be stripped naked and allowed to go home in nude.

GROUP E, YOUNG SPINSTERS: They said that any female caught dressed indecently should be made to pay a fine of a hundred thousand naira.

My people, why una dey look me with una big naked eyes wey nor wear pant?

I don already chose my option and una know me say na enjoyment side naim l dey like. But l nor say make dem rape anybody O!

But sha 0, l like to enjoy O!

It is because of this cold rainy season that makes me love the work of the law enforcement agency.

Imagine to load yourselves into an Hilux van and swoop on a crowd of beautiful looking commercial sex workers and arrest all of them. Then quote the backside of the constitution to them which says, "Thou shall not spread HIV/AIDS!" The punishment is either they pay in cash or in kind with immediate alacrity! ALL HAIL ME, The grammatical enigma! The fringe benefit of the uniform is enormous!

During this rainy season beautiful looking female prisoners don't spend the nights in their various prison cells with their ugly colleagues! My question be say, na how manage wey female prisoner come take carry belle come born for prison? Na spirit abi na juju give am belle?

I BEG O, NA JOKE I DEY, NOR BE REAL O!

BUT SENSE DEY MY JOKE SHA O!

"THERE ARE NO ROOMS FOR METHUSELAHS IN NIGERIA"

There was this 86 years old woman who rushed her elderly mother to the hospital. She requested that she should immediately be taken to the emergency intensive care unit for an immediate attention.

She was asked to buy a card. She filled the card and gave it to the doctor. The doctor observed that she was 130 years old. And the following ensued between them.

DOCTOR: Madam, your mother is already a hundred and thirty years old. Why still waisting money on her instead of allowing her to depar in peace?

WOMAN: Doc, she is just a hundred and thirty years old. People live more than that and l want her to live as long as Methuselah.

DOCTOR: Sorry madam, there are no rooms for Methuselahs in Nigeria. If it is abroad, then we can accommodate that.

Can't you see the bloated population? Please, let her die, we don't accept Methuselahs here!

"DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT?"

This man slapped his daughter, a senior secondary school student for returning home late from school.

The girl then sent a text message to him. It reads thus: Father, please, be informed that there is going to be a family general meeting in this house next Sunday at 5pm prompt and attendance is mandatory.

Mummy is going to be the prosecutor and l am going to be the chief judge while you are going to be the defendant.

First of all as the judge, let me ask you:

Did you or did you not have an illicit affairs with the housemaid?

Did you or did you not impregnate her?

Did you or did you not abort the pregnancy?

Did you or did you not give her a huge amount of money to keep her mouth shut?

Now answer, did you or did you not all these things?

The father after reading the text replied her thus.

FATHER: My daughter, did l or did l not give birth to you?

Did you or did you not want to go to the university?

Did you or did you not want me to buy you an expensive phone for your birthday?

Did you or did you not want me to buy you a luxury car after your graduation?

Did you or did you not want me to be taking you out secretly every Sunday to enjoy yourself?

She then sent a reply to her father and it reads thus:

I did want to cover you because l did want to enjoy all your promises. Did l or did l not do well?

And the father replied her thus: l will did all that we did to did everything to did well. I did promise l did!

But you will do to allow me to did the housemaid 0! I always love to did her!

DREAMLAND!

A MAN HAD THIS DREAM RECENTLY.

Inside the dream law enforcement agencies were arguing with the law!

LAW: You people don't have the right to arrest or harassed anybody for indecent dressing. You can only say that people dressed indecently when the real big stick and open well are not covered.

LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES: Fine, Lordship, then you should just say it out that people don't need to put on dresses and let everyone naked like the animals so that they can be doing it everywhere, anyhow and anytime.

No need for clothes. We should just be seeing everyone going about with big sticks and open wells!

No Wonder your logo is blindfolded so that it can't see the the right from the wrong!

THIS IS A JOKE FROM THE DREAM LAND!

NOT REAL!

"NO GOING BACK ON MY BLESSINGS".

There was this man who had five sons from different women! But unfortunately, they all hated their youngest brother, the last born. They either beat him or knock his head whenever he passes by them. They even said it to his face that had it been they can see a buyer, they would sell him just like Joseph's brothers did to him in the Holy Bible. This boy actually passed through hell in the hands of his half elders brothers!

One day, their father celebrated his fiftieth birthday. That day, the youngest son attained seventeen years of age. Later that evening, the man got a bottle of alcoholic drink, alligator pepper and kola nuts. These are the main ingredients of the prayer of blessings according to the African tradition! He then called his sons. He told them that he wants to bless them for their future careers. He then asked them to say whatever career they wanted to take in life.

FIRST SON: Dad, l am going to be a farmer. My major crop will be India hemp. That is my chosen career where l will make my livelihood. I will be a cultivator and exporter of marijuana!

FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!

SECOND SON: Dad, l am going to be a daredevil arm robber. I shall become rich by robbing and killing people.

FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!

THIRD SON: Dad, l am going into the business of fake and hard drugs. Because fake and hard drugs fetch fast income more than the original ones because they are cheaper and make people to be fearless. That is where l will make my livelihood!

FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!

FOURTH SON: Dad, l am going into the kidnapping business!

My job will be to kidnap high profile personalities. From it l will make my livelihood!

FATHER: So shall it be for you my son!

FIFTH SON: Dad, l shall be a nor nonsense police officer. And any idiot who dares into the trade or cultivation of India hemp or indulges in arm robbery or kidnapping or selling of fake and hard drugs will not only go to jail but will die in jail. I swear by the ancestors of our land!

FATHER: So shall it be for you, my last born!

When the four elder sons heard what their last brother whom they hate with passion said, they came to their father for them to change their various careers but their father said, "My sons, no going back on my blessings!"

E DON RED O!

THIS IS A SIGN THAT YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER HAD GONE FOR A CHEAP AND DISGRACEFUL PROSTITUTION!

FATHER: Grace, come here. Where are you coming from?

GRACE: No answer!

FATHER: Grace, didn't you hear me? I said where have you been to?

GRACE: No answer!

FATHER: It seems you want me to deaf your two ears with a dirty slap.

GRACE: I didn't go anywhere!

FATHER: Then where were you since l have been calling you?

GRACE: I went to my friend's place down town!

FATHER: Alright, then take me down there now!

GRACE: I can't know the place. It was one of my classmates that took me there for the home assignment given to us at school!

FATHER: Alright, where are your books?

GRACE: They are in my friend's place!

OGA, YOUR DAUGHTER NA ASHAWO KOBO-KOBO!

BANKS WORKS GET SMALL ASHAWO SHALL O!

One morning, a pretty looking lady banker came to me to open an account with her bank as l was about to lock my door and go out! And the following ensued between us!

LADY BANKER: Good morning sir. I am a banker from Ogogoro commercial bank. I am here to open it for you so that you can put something. No how small or big it is. But l prefer you put a big thing inside after l opened it for you now-now! You will enjoy our services. I know you have something big inside your trousers there. Just open it and bring out something and put it into it as l open it!

I unzipped my trousers and bring out my big boy! And she said, "That is not what l meant sir! But money for your newly opened account!" And l said to her,"pretty Angel, l will go for the first account after this second account is fulfilled because two accounts are involved here! The two were fulfilled in no time! I love such mornings!

NA JOKE, I DEY O! BUT SMALL TRUTH DEY THE JOKE O!

THE FULFILLMENT OF THE DREAM

A certain young man had a dream that he made love to a lady who was his archenemy. He enjoyed everything. And so when he woke up he told his best friend about the dream and how he enjoyed it. He also told his friend that he believes she will also agree for them to do it in the physical. But his friend warned him not to go to her and tell her but to keep it within himself because such a dream may be a sign of evil. But he refused and he went to the lady and said "So even with this our enmity you still allowed me to enjoy you? Why didn't you come to me directly and tell me that you love me instead of using fake enmity to coverup? That means, our enmity is only physical not spiritual. Can we have it in physical? Because it is said that "The spiritual controls the physical" That means, since we have done it in the spiritual, the physical will be a child's play.

You were so wonderful dear; tossing me up and down. I almost lost the gravity of my Modula oblongata. Should we go into your room or right here in your shop? I am ever prepared "

Now, the lady understood exactly what he said and so she held him by his trousers and she shouted for help. A crowd soon gathered and she narrated what the guy said. The guy was stripped naked and paraded round the village. They branded him a wizard!

N:B. A night guard must not speak about his unfortunate dreams or else, he would lose his job!

THE FOLLOWING ENSUED BETWEEN A FATHER AND HIS ELDEST SON!

FATHER: Michael my son. You are now 34 years old. Try to get yourself a good wife. Gather any amount you can and l will add to it and get a wife and stop all these hanky panky games. Before you know it, we have done the traditional marriage and the white wedding. Then the reception. That's all.

SON: Father, you see, this is the main reason why l hate this evolution. Why did it only affect the humans? If it were to be in the olden days, no need for all these traditional marriage and white wedding and reception. Everyone lives exactly like the animals. Any woman you like, whether sister or mother, you can impregnate her and there you get your children.

Look at all these our goats, cats, dogs, Rams, fowls etc, which day did you see them carrying drinks to their in-laws or planning either traditional marriage or white wedding or reception? And they even give birth more quickly than us humans. No day the women will complain of mensural flow or antenatal care or hospital bills! I beg l don't have any money to marry now. May God hear my prayers and return us human back to the dark ages!

MY PEOPLE, WAHALA NOR TOO MUCH?

SHOWING OF ONESELF IS VERY PARAMOUNT.

There was this young man, a roadside mechanic. He loves women a lot. At a time he started wooing a pretty looking lady who passes along the road where his shop was.

After about three months, the lady finally agreed to be his lover. He was very happy. Then the lady told him that on Sunday she would come to take him to her house. His joy knew no bound! On the said day, the lady came to take him down.

She said to him, "Darling, my name is Cynthia. I am a warrant officer of the Nigerian army. We are going to my house in the barracks now where l will introduce you to my colleagues. I was just newly transferred to the barracks. I believed some of my colleagues will know you better as a man who repairs cars because they in most cases bring their cars for repairs".

The guy immediately remembered that he once raped a lady and he was arrested and taken to the barracks about a month ago where he was stripped naked and flogged for days! And so he said to the lady, "You see, taking of introduction, l just remembered now that today is our family ancestry introduction day. We the males are made to walk past the shrine one after the other in a form of spiritual cleansing. It is very important and l can't miss it. Your own introduction should be postponed".

And the lady said, "Don't you think military introduction superseded your traditional introduction? Let's go for mine first".

And the guy said, "No officer. In the military introduction you deal with humans but in the traditional introduction you deal with spirits. You can see that it is more important".

And the lady said, "I agree with you Darling. But unfailingly Tuesday, we will go to the barracks for the military introduction".

After they have parted, the guy knelt down and said, "Ancestors of our land, l used your name to lie out of fear! Please you people should forgive me. Please, you people should turn away the mind of that lady from me. Let her not remember the address of my workshops, AMIN"

WHEN THE gods WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU, NA SPIRITUAL KOBOKO DEM DEY USE!

Surprisedly, early morning on Tuesday, the lady in full combat military camouflage and five military escorts came to his house! "Darling! Darling!! I am here!!!" She called. The guy urinated on his body!

REMEMBER THAT ANYTHING YOU REQUESTED FOR, AN ADDITION WILL BE ADDED!

WHEN A FOOL REALIZES THAT HE IS A FOOL!

Once upon a time, a wealthy politician was robbed of five million naira in his house one evening. He was very angry with the policeman who was manning the gate and he took him to court. After the politician had narrated what took place that evening to the judge, the judge then asked the policeman why did he fail to protect his boss, the politician.

And the policeman said, "My lord. My boss is a well-known politician. There is an allegation going around that he stole two hundred billion naira of the government which l believed is tax payers money. I pay tax monthly so my own money is among the money he alleged to have stolen.

I am a poor policeman receiving less than a hundred thousand naira as monthly salary. This man's children spend up to five million naira every weekend to celebrate with their friends. The robber on arrival said l should choose between allowing him to collect five million naira from the billion naira which he was alleged to have stolen or he takes my poor life. My lord, if you were in my shoes, what would you have done? Allow him to take your poor life and allow the looter to continue to loot or you would rather allow the robber to teach him a little bitter lesson?

The policeman was discharged and acquitted.

N:B. THE DAY THE TORTOISE WILL RECEIVE THE BAPTISM OF HOT WATER IS THE DAY HE WOULD KNOW THAT WATER COMES IN TWO FORMS!

"SINCE THEY LOOK LIKE THE FEMALES, THEY SHOULD ALSO HAVE EVERYTHING THE FEMALES HAVE. QED"

There was this woman who has a boutique where she sells female dummies. Her husband was a chronic womanizer. One day she returned from the market and saw her husband using a sharp knife to create an opening between the dummies' thighs! The following ensued between them.

WIFE: Darling, what are you up to?

HUSBAND: You see, those who made these dummies made a very huge natural mistake and that is why l am making a correction. It is very important to correct it.

WIFE: What mistake?

HUSBAND: Since they look real like the females, they should have everything the females have. Just look between your laps. Is there not a natural opening? That is what those who made them forgot hence l am completing the job so that they can do whatever every woman can do.

WIFE: Don't tell me that your madness has gotten to a stage where you are now sleeping with female dummies!

HUSBAND: The difference is cleared! They wiil not complain of headache, mensural flow like you. They are ever ready! Every time action!

N:B, HE WHO WRESTLES WITH THE PIG MUST NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT FILTHINESS!

"BOTH OF US ARE WITCHES!"

There was this thirty years old lady who organized a birthday party for her forty six years old mother. Many of the invitees came to dance with the celebrant including the daughter.

Then she stood up and went to where her daughter's boyfriend was sitting and she held his arms and said, "Hello dear, excuse me dance". Just as he was about to follow her down, her daughter stopped her and said, "Mum, not again! I can't allow you to dance with my boyfriend because you are a well-known husbands snatcher!

Remember that you once told me that you snatched your first husband at a traditional wedding during a dance. You also narrated how my father and his wife to be went to a party and on the dancing floor you snatched him from her and he became your husband. You have this type of witchcraft charm in you that attracts other people's lovers. I won't risk that".

And the mother said, "Don't you know that you also have that witchcraft in you?

And the daughter said, "God forbid! Holy ghost fire! Not me and you!"

And the mother said, "My daughter, l hope you remember that five brothers were in love with you. I put the same witchcraft in your body so that you can choose the richest one amongst them. Today, you are happy with your wealthy boyfriend courtesy of the same witchcraft. So my dear, both of us are witches!"

TESTING THE PASTOR!

There was this rich young man. One day, he decided to test a certain popular pastor. He went to the pastor and said, "Sir, l had a dream last night that l broke into a supermarket and stole a lot of expensive jewelries and electronic gadgets. I was not caught. I succeeded. Should l go in physical?"

PASTOR: Well, l can't say that you should not go and l can't say that you should go. Only what l can say is good luck and don't forget me when you returned. The next day, the young man went and bought some jewelries and some electronic gadgets and he took them to the pastor. He told him that he went and he succeeded. The pastor then told him that the dream was from God.

About a year later, the young man went to the pastor again and said, "Sir, l had a dream last night and l broke into a bank and l stole a lot of money. I returned home successfully. Should l go in physical?"

PASTOR: I Can't say that you should not go and l can't say that you should go. Only what l can say to you is good luck and don't forget me when you returned. A week later, the man brought a huge sum of money to the pastor and he told him that he went and returned successfully. The pastor told him that the dream was from God.

A year later, the young man went to the pastor once more and said, "Sir, l had a dream last night and l found myself sleeping with your eldest daughter and after that l went to you straight and asked her hand in marriage and you agreed immediately. Should l try it in physical?"

PASTOR: No! No! No!!! My young man. Don't ever try it. The dream is from the devil and not from God.

It is satanic!

Infact, devilish!

Luciferism and catastrophically doomed!

I know dreams from God and those not from God. This is never from God.

And the young man became angry with the pastor and he said, "In that case, l am going to report all the crimes that l have committed to the police and l will tell them that we are partners in crime".

Now, when the pastor saw the implications of what the young man has just said, he knelt down and begged him saying, " Young man, let do it in this way. Since wife is your problem, l will arrange a very pretty looking daughter of one of the members of the Church for you even two or three right away as your wives and not my daughter. You are a criminal and for that you can't marry my daughter ".

I HOPE SAY UNA HEAR PASTOR SO?

HOW THE WORLD GO TAKE BETTER NOW?

July 24th, 2025, 12:44am.

NEVER SHOULD YOU DOUBT THE POWER OF MR LION!

Once upon a time, a certain teacher who was posted to one of the riverine schools assaulted some of the students and he ended up breaking two of the students' feet. He was arrested and later released on bail.

But the parents of the two students whose feet were broken by the teacher continued their call for justice. Then a retired teacher finally came to their rescue. He charged the matter to court. He filed an allegation of assault and battery against the teacher.

On the first day of the court sitting, he told the court that the teacher acted excessively and that his conduct has brought a huge disgrace to the teaching profession. He told the court that he was a retired teacher. He said he taught in the UK, USA, GERMANY AND INDIA before he was retired. He said that a good teacher doesn't flog his students let alone battering them with a stick like his colleague did.

"You see, speak to them gently and encourage them. You don't lift up the whip because of your students. The whip is meant for cows and donkeys and not humans. You pet students. For all the years l spent teaching in different countries of the world, l can't remember a day that l ever flog a student. Based on all what l have just said, my lord, l would like you to sentence this criminal to a twelve year jail terms. He deserves no pity! He is a very cruel soul. How could he have used a piece of wood to hit these teenage boys of about sixteen years of age?"

And the teacher who was accused of battery said to the judge, "My lord, this retired colleague of mine doesn't know the difference between teaching in Europe, America and the other civilized country and our local country. You teach and talk to peaceful doves there while we teach and talk with serpents and lions here. My lord, before l will serve any jail terms, l would like this honourable court to direct the ministry of education to post this man to the same school where l had a fight with these students for just a month. If no problem whatsoever, then l am ready to serve any jail terms prescribed by this honourable court".

And the request of the accused was immediately granted. The retired teacher was posted there on Sunday evening. On Monday, very early in the morning he got ready and went to school. He waited but no single student. He went into the village and he saw most of the students with their school uniform going to either farms, fishing or hunting. He became very angry with them and he talked to them. But they told him that school is a scam.

He threatened to seize their fishing equipment. And they told him that if he doesn't mind his business, they would tie him down and connect cable wires and antenna to his shining Baldhead and it will show pictures like a real television set. And boy came forward and grabbed his tie. A big fight ensued between them and they beat him to stupor and stripped him naked.

He managed to get an iron bar and he hit some of the boys with it as a self-defense. In so doing he broke four of the boys legs. He took them to the hospital and the next day he ran to the court with bruised and badly battered body. The judge couldn't recognized him at first. And he said to the judge, "My lord, this teacher who broke two of those students feet should be given an excellent award immediately as the most patient and low tampered man. He was a saint to have used a piece of wood to broke only two of the students' feet. On my case. I broke four students legs with an iron bar as a self-defense. Infact l barely escaped with my life.

I doff my hat for him. He was a better teacher than l. Back to the UK, l go!"

HE WHO CROSSED THE RIVER IS TELLING YOU HOW DEEP IT IS AND YOU WHO IS STANDING ON THE BANK OF THE RIVER IS DISPUTING HIM. NA WA FOR UNA O!

MISTAKEN IDENTITY VERSUS KISSING THE HORSEWHIP!

There was this guy an undergraduate of one of the tertiary institutions. He often plays with a certain lady of the same faculty with him. This lady was tall and slim. One day both of them had a bet that anywhere they see themselves, the first person to see the other should hug him or her and plant a hot kiss on his or her lips.

Then one day, this guy was walking along a busy street when he saw a tall and slim lady who looks exactly like his colleague. Without wasting time he rushed down and hugged her very tightly and planted several hot kisses on her lips simultaneously!

But when he looked at her closely he realized he had made a very terrible blunder! She is not the lady. As he was trying to explain and apologise to her, a young army officer emerged and the following ensued between them.

SOLDIER MAN: You this bloody civilian, how dare you hugged and kissed my wife in my presence? Now, it is either you kiss and hug my rifle or my belt or my horsewhip or l break your spinal cord with a hard kick.

GUY: Officer, please, it is a mistook identity, sorry sir, l mean mistakingly identification. Or is it mistake identity or mistaking identification. Please sir, l am an undergraduate but due to the fear l have lost my use of the English language. I don't even know whether it is English language or Swahili language that l am speaking again.

She looks exactly like a colleague of mine hence the kissable huggedness on her lips. Is that English language correct Sir?

Please hugging the rifle will be an instant death. And hugging either your belts or horsewhip will makes me skinless like a roasted pig meat. Oh, dear! what shall l do?

NA THE LEAF WEY DEY SWEET GOAT PASS, NAIM DEY KILL AM. 24th July 2025, 11:34am

NO SINNER WILL GO UNPUNISHED!

All these terminologies are used for different types of death according to the activities of the victim on earth.

(1) HE OR SHE DON KPAAE!

It means the victim died as a result of atrocities such as sleeping with people's wives and using money to oppress the poor, snatching of people's husbands. Carrying of fake rumours from one place to the other. Terrible judgement awaits him or her!

(2) HE OR SHE DON KPUFF!

It means the victim died from law enforcement agent gun as a result of robbing, kidnappings, raping of women and all purposes wickedness! Terrible judgement awaits him or her!

(3) HE OR SHE DON DELETE!

It means the victim died from a protracted ailment such as stroke or diabetes as a result of forceful taking of people's lands and properties and preparing charms to destroy their neighbours! Eviction of tenants regularly to put new ones as to collect landlord drink and caution fees for the house that was built by your forefathers! General wickedness to fellow humans! The earth would have no alternative than to delete such evil souls!

(4) HE OR SHE DON LEGHOLE!

It means the victim died as a wasted generation whose aims is only to do evil. Such as a land owner who would sell the same land to many persons. A car dealer who after selling out his car would gang up with robbers to trace the address and steal the car. He or she is always a friend to law enforcement agents and using them to intimidate people and also using corrupt lawyers and judges to carry out their evil ways! Terrible judgement awaits him or her!

(5) HE OR SHE DON DIE!

It means the victim died abruptly from either accident or cardiac arrest or hypertension as a result of heinous crimes and disrespectful to the laws of nature. A lady who agreed to marry a man but after the man had spent a fortune on her, then he is no longer your march! Men who deceive ladies to sleep with them and later refused to pay for the services rendered and resort to beating them! Since the earth is fed up with such a person, then the law of the wages of sin is death follows. Harsh judgement awaits him or her!

(6) HE OR SHE DON PASS ON!

It means the victim died from a protracted ailment such as excessive intake of alcohol, drugs abuse, lack of medications and hard malnutrition through cancer and vision problems!

Passing on to face a hard judgement for the disobedience of natural laws!

(7) HE OR SHE DON GO!

It means the victim is going straight to punishment having laundered public money, abandoned projects after collection of funds, duping and scamming people, harming innocent people due to jealousy, lied in the name of God and general recklessness! Punishment you must go!

(8) HE OR SHE DON SLEEP!

Yes! This is a blessed death! The victim died in his or her sleep peacefully without oxygen, urinating and excreting on his or her body! This victim have done his or her best to obey the creator and also to fulfill his or her concept of coming into the world! Bosom of father Abraham will he or she be!

NOW, NA WHICH ONE BE YOUR OWN WHEN YOUR TIME GO COME? NA YOUR PRESENT DOINGS GO TELL YOU YOUR PORTION!

REMEMBER THAT NO HIGH AND THUNDEROUS THE SKY MAY SOUND, IT CAN'T BREAK THE EARTH!

A THATCH HOUSE IS ON FIRE AGAIN! WHO CAN SAFELY PUT OFF THE FIRE?

BETWEEN THE POLICE, THE PASTOR AND THE PSYCHIATRIC DOCTOR, WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CUSTODY OF THIS MAN?

UP POLPADOC! UP POLPADOC!! UP POLPADOC!!!

Once upon a time, a certain man abused drugs and he became demonically possessed and later became mad and he killed several persons. Due to his menace a psychiatric doctor was called to take custody of him because of the madness. The doctor came and found out that he was possessed by demons and he called a spiritual church pastor. When the pastor found out that he had killed several persons, he called the police because it was a murder case.

Later, the police, the pastor and the doctor stood closer to the man and they began to argue on whose custody he supposed to be.

POLICE: Since he is demonically possessed, l think the pastor should be the best person to handle him.

PASTOR: Since he is mad due to drugs abused, l think the doctor should be the best person to handle him.

DOCTOR: Since he had killed several persons means he is a criminal and l believed the police should be the best person to handle him.

As the argument continues, the man came forward with an iron bar. They all fled and left behind the following which the man took.

The policeman left behind his handcuffs and rifle. The pastor left behind, anointing oil, incense and Bible, the doctor left behind his stethoscope and syringes.

Now, armed with the policeman's rifle and handcuffs and the pastor's anointing oil, incense and Bible with the doctor's stethoscope and syringes, he began to shout, "Everybody listen, any problem that you are having, just come to me; the new Messiah in town! My name is POLPADOC, THE GREAT. POLPADOC is a new Trinity being created from POLICE, PASTOR AND DOCTOR= the abbreviation of POLPADOC".

REMEMBER THAT WHEN FIRE RAZES DOWN THE JUNGLE. EVEN MR LION, THE KING OF THE JUNGLE MUST RUN FOR HIS DEAR LIFE!

"CANCEROUS BACTERIA"

THE FOLLOWING ENSUED BETWEEN JUNIOR AND HIS FATHER WHO IS A LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENT.

JUNIOR: Dad, last week, uncle Emma from the UK and aunty Bosede from the U.S. both sent you pounds and dollars for you to start a good business. Both of us went to the bank where the money was converted into our local currency and it amounts one hundred and fifty million naira. But surprisedly, on my way to school this morning l saw you and your colleagues at your usual roadblock doing your normal collection of fifty and hundred naira from motorists, tricycle operators and motorcycle operators.Dad, with all the millions in your account. Are you mad?

FATHER: My son, you see, l am not mad at all! The only problem is that the bribery and collections have been institutionalized into my DNA. It is like the proverbial case of the rat. No how small, big or old a rat may be, it can't abandon stealing because it is already in the ancestry DNA. My son, it is like a terrible disease!

JUNIOR: Dad, Infact, not just a disease but a cancerous bacteria!

"SATAN IS EQUAL TO A MOBILE COURT. INSTANT JUDGMENT".

There was this pretty looking lady who works in a business centre. She types and photocopies documents for customers. One rainy afternoon, she was all alone in the office when a huge looking man came in to photostat a document. As he entered the office, he saw the paragon of beauty all alone in the office. The front of his trousers started to raise and bulges up. It swelled out mightily.

The lady became suspicious of the man's ulterior motive and she became afraid because she was all alone. She told him that her photocopying machine was not functional. And the man said,"All things been equal. If yours is not working, mine is working excellently. Just take a look at the front of my trousers and a trial will convince you". The lady then fled the office leaving behind the man.

When her boss came, she narrated what happened to him. He told her that in case of next time, if she feels threatened then she should immediately hangs the photographs of military officers on the walls.

Another time the same thing happened and she also fled the office. Her boss asked her why didn't she hang the military officers' photographs as he directed her. She said that the man was a military officer. And the boss told her that next time if it is a military officer, then she should hang the photographs of heavy weight boxers like mike Tyson and other notable boxers. Another time, the same ugly history repeated itself and she fled as usual.

She told her boss that the man was a heavy weight boxer. And he told her that should he returns again, she should hang the photographs of Jesus Christ and that of the heavenly angels. Another time she fled and she told her boss that the man was a pastor. And he advised her that should he returns again, she should hang the photographs of Satan.

After that, no more threat again! She was surprised and she asked her boss why do people fear Satan than God. And he said, "You see, Satan is equal to a MOBILE COURT, INSTANT JUDGMENT!"

THE WITCHES AND THE WIZARDS IN ANY FAMILY NEVER TROUBLE ANYBODY WHO IS MAD IN THE FAMILY BUT THE RICH AND PROSPEROUS ONES!

SCAM OR GHOST?

Once upon a time, the authority of a certain school asked all the students to fill a form for a proper documentation. Each of the students was given the form. The below were what three sisters filled.

FORM

NÀME OF STUDENT: Scam!

FATHER'S NAME: Scam!

MOTHER'S NAME: Scam!

FATHER'S OCCUPATION: Scam!

MOTHER'S OCCUPATION: Scam!

PARENTS' ETHNIC GROUP:Scam!

PARENTS' HOME ADDRESS: Scam!

PARENTS' PHONES NUMBERS: Scam!

The principal was surprised and she summoned the three sisters to her office. She asked them the reason why they filled the blank spaces with scam. And the eldest of them said: We don't have parents. We live by the grace of God. We usually close from school at 5:00pm and we get home by 6:00pm daily. After preparing food, we take our bath, eat, watch movies and go to bed at 9:00pm and wake up at 6:00 am. We then prepare food, bathe and eat our breakfast and then go to school.

Whenever we need money for anything, we would write the amount on a piece of paper and drop it on the table. The next morning, the money is on the table. Someone told us that our father comes from work at 11:30pm and our mother from market at 10:30pm hence we don't see them and every morning, our father goes to work at 5:00am and our mother goes to the market at 5:30am, hence we never know them.

And the principal trying to explain their parents attitude to them as to help them said, "You made a mistake by using the word 'SCAM' the appropriate word you should have used is 'GHOST'. Your parents are ghosts not humans. And the girls collapsed!

REMEMBER THAT SOME REMEDIES ARE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE ITSELF!

"I BEG MADAM, GO SITDOWN YOU NOR GET HUSBAND NA EMPTY PACKAGING YOU DEY"

When a woman has a husband and when she hasn't.

WITH A HUSBAND?

GUY: Good morning, madam akara. I saw you and your husband yesterday afternoon. Both of you were talking under an upstairs.

WOMAN: Yes, l remember. He is my customer not my husband. He is a very good customer of mine. So till today you still haven't known my husband. He is the first mechanic by the left once you enter Lasisi road. That is where my Darling husband works.

NO HUSBAND!

GUY: Good morning Sister Bridget, how are you? I saw you yesterday with your husband at the front of a mechanical workshop. Both of you were talking.

BRIDGET: God forbid! God forbid! He is not my husband. Do you think l will open my eyes to marry that kind of man? Alcoholic man? He is just a customer of mine.

GUY: But who is that your husband self? I would like to know him one day. Where does he work?

BRIDGET: My husband? Em, Em, he doesn't come out as such. Nothing really concern me and him much. Everybody dey cane e line. Eem bros, should l come to your house during the weekend to collect that thing? I hope you will prepare a nice meal wait me?

MADAM, I BEG MAKE I HEAR WORD, YOU NOR GET HUSBAND. YOU BE CHEERFUL GIVER!

THE BELOW SCENE SHOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHEN A MAN IS OWING A WOMAN MONEY BASED ON PHYSICAL GOODS HE BOUGHT FROM HER ON CREDIT AND WHEN HE IS OWING HER MONEY BASED ON SEX HE HAD WITH HER ON CREDIT.

ON PHYSICAL GOODS ON CREDIT.

WOMAN: Oga, l don come for my money. Oya, nor waste my time.

MAN: Madam, l beg l will pay you. Just bear with me.

WOMAN: No, no, no! I need my money now so that l can go market to buy other goods. If everybody should buy on credit, then how can l sustain the business? I beg you, give me my money for peace to reign or else you will beat me because of the money O. E be like say l go call my husband come meet you make una do am man to man.

MAN: I beg madam, e never reach so now! I promised you. I go pay you.

SEX ON CREDIT

WOMAN: Oga sir, how now? I nor come see you again? You nor just show up as you promised at all. All this your promise and fail is not good at all O! God dey see you O. If you like you pay, if you like make you nor pay. Another time dey. I don go.

And off she goes!

WHEN A MAN CRUNCHES ON A LADY AND SHE TURNED HIM DOWN VERSUS WHEN A LADY CRUNCHES ON A GUY AND HE TURNED HER DOWN.

When the lady turned PATRICK down.

FRANCIS: Patrick, there something l observed about that boutique lady. Anytime both of us pass the front of her shop, she looks at you somehow. Honestly Patrick, I love that lady. She is the woman of my dream. I am planning to woo her.

PATRICK: Francis my friend. Don't ever go there. She is nothing but a mercenary prostitute! I once caught her red handed inside her boutique with a man making love in a broad daylight. She then begged me to also sleep with her but l refused. She even begged me with money but l also refused hence she looks at me with shame on her face.

When the guy turned ESTHER down.

MARIA: Esther, that guy who works in that new bank seems to hate you. He looks at you disdainfully anytime he passes here. What is the matter with you people. I am saying this because l am admiring him.

ESTHER: Don't mind him. He thinks l am one of those cheap harlots in town. One day he lifted me in his car. And wanted to make love to a whole me in the car. He begged and begged and l warned him. He is such a wayward man. Don't give him face at all. Once he calls you don't ever go or else we will become enemies. I don't follow wayward men and l don't expect you my friend to do the same. I warned you.

WHO IS THE GREATEST LIAR AMONGST THEM?

These four guys shared their worse encountered since their birth at a time when they were at their wits end!

FIRST GUY: As a proud owner of a new Prado Jeep. I was on my way to Anambra state in Nigeria. On getting to the famous Onitsha bridge, l saw some armed robbers just by the bridge waiting for a car to snatch to use for an operation. I was just a stone throw from them. Immediately, l opened my mouth and swallowed my Jeep. And l walked past them across the bridge to the other side. I vomited it and entered into my car and continued on my journey safely.

SECOND GUY: I got a job to clear a piece of land for a hundred thousand naira. But the law was that the job must not take me into the night hours. I must complete it when the sun was still shining! And the job would takes seven hours and l started at 4pm. When it was six O'Clock and the weather was getting dark, l just stretched my hand toward the sky and l commanded the time to remain in 6pm till l would be done with the job. And so the sun remained standing in a particular position. Every hour, it asks me if l have done. When l was done, l thanked him and as a Nigerian, l tipped him some amount of money to buy beer. It was very happy. It took the money and closed the day. I succeeded!

THIRD GUY: My father had lots of properties. After his death, five years later, there was a power tussle between us the children in regards to who gets what! I am the eldest son. The younger ones refused to listen to me. When it came to a climax, l called a family general meeting. When we have all assembled, l walked to our father's grave and l called him to come out to share the properties because he didn't make a will before his death. My father just walked out of the grave looking very healthy. After greeting everyone, he asked us to entertain him and we presented, wine, kola nut and supported it with some money according to our tradition. And he shared the properties amongst us peacefully and he returned to his grave.

FOURTH GUY: I was living in South Africa. I then had a misunderstanding with the locals. My building was the biggest and the most beautiful amongst all the buildings in south Africa. The locals were jealous of me. They made everything to provoke me so that l Will either flee away and leave the building for them to inherit or sell it to them. It came to a time and they gave me a week to leave the city or l will be dead! They were looking forward to my departure so that they can go and take possession of it. On the night before the ultimatum given to me to leave would expired, l uprooted it and carried it on my head down to Nigeria. Because it was bigger than any ship or aeroplane, l have to put it on my head and walked down to my village. I planted it in my village and my enemies were disappointed!

NA WA FOR WIRE ROAD O! DEM NOR DEY PLAY WAYO FOR WAYO HOUSE O!

OTURUGBEKE

Dear Oturugbeke, my name is Oguma Ibeni. I am 42 years old man from Bayelsa state. I need an urgent advise.

Some years back, l returned to Nigeria my country from Botswana where l was living. Things were very difficult for me on arrival. I went to my home town but there was no house in our family's compound where l could stay. The place was full with grasses. Although we have a lot of landed properties. I found an accommodation in a church for a month before a man took me to a certain caretaker.

The caretaker took me to a very big compound with a lot of vacant two and three bedroom flats. He told me that the landlord has a policy of accommodating his tenants for only twenty years. After the twenty years he quits you and put a new tenant. He said that the landlord just quits all his tenants who had lived for twenty years hence there were a lot of vacant flats. I believed him. I took a two bedroom flat for thirty thousand naira monthly. He asked me to pay for a year. Agent fee, a hundred thousand naira, landlord fee and drink a hundred and twenty thousand naira and caution fee a hundred thousand naira. The total money I paid was about six hundred and eighty thousand naira.

I packed in immediately. But surprisedly, barely a month later, a company came with law enforcement agents and quit me on the ground that they had bought the compound to be used as a production company hence they gave all the tenants a three month quit notice. They said that they were very surprised to see that l haven't packed out. It was then it occurred to me that l have been duped! I packed to my church premises once more. The caretaker from that moment began to avoid me. I continued going to his house but he was never at home.

I became familiar with his family. They were angry with him for how cruelly he treated me. About three months later, l fell in love with one of his daughters and l impregnated her! We then got an apartment off town. When it dawned on him that what l did seems like an avenged, he came to me and said that l have to pay the bride price before the girl gives birth or else the child will not be mine.

He sat down in his room and wrote three pages of requirements for their traditional marriage rite. Everything total five million naira! I later got the actual marriage rite requirements list. The requirements were not more than two hundred thousand naira! I have no choice but to cough out the money! I then told him to refund the house rent money to me. He told me that my money had entered voicemail!

After the marriage, my wife gave birth to triplets, all males! One day my wife told me that her father was looking for about an acre of land closer to any swamp where he would build a fish farm. I took him to a land in my village and l used my brother as the landlord. He told him that it will cost him three hundred million naira. I arranged with my brother in all that he would say because that land belongs to the army. They wanted to build a barrack there. He secured a loan in the bank using two of his buildings as collateral.

Immediately we got the money, l took my wife and my children and my brother and we fled abroad. He went to the farm to start the project but the army held him. He began to argue with the army and they beat him to a state of coma and he later died. Now, his burial ceremony is coming up soon. And according to the tradition, l the in-law would be the first to pour drink on the coffin and the grave before his children and then he would finally be committed to mother earth. According to the tradition if that is not done, my wife and the children will die.

Last week, he appeared to me in the dream saying that he is waiting for me by his grave side on his burial day. He said no Jupiter would stops him from going to the grave with me. He said that l have already gone because l am just a walking corpse! What would l do? The only thing that would prevent my death is to allow my wife and my children to die. Should l die for my wife and children to live or they should die for me to live?

Please, l am on my knees begging you to do everything possible to help me, l don't want to die and leave behind this enjoyable earth and my millions! I await your urgent advise.

DEAR OGUMA, it is said that we should not pay one evil with another evil. It is cleared that he was a very cruel and greedy man. But since you have gotten married to his daughter and also have kids, you shouldn't have avenged the past. The two options before you are very difficult to meet. Since your case is a spiritual one, we have to consult the great ORACULUS-OPARAMULUS, the spiritual dictionary for an advise.

Here are his words! That you should write all the wrongs that he had done to you and the resson why you did that to him on a plain sheet of white paper using a new red pen. After burn the pen. Then take the paper to the mortuary where his body is and place it on the corpse for twenty four hours then take the paper and bury it in a notable cemetery on top of a male grave. You can then go to the burial ceremony. These are the words of the great ORACULUS-OPARAMULUS. They are sure!

MR CRIMINAL AND THE POLICE.

There is this man named Criminal. He has a wife named Prison and two daughters named Gun and Bullet respectively. He goes to a daily job at a place called Kill. One day his wife, Prison left home very early in the morning to an unknown destination. All efforts by her husband and daughters to find her proved abortive. Finally, her husband, Criminal decided to go to the police to make an official report. The following took place at the station between Criminal and the police officer on duty.

CRIMINAL: Good morning officer.

POLICE: Good morning my friend. Yes, how may l help you?

CRIMINAL: I am looking for Prison sir.

POLICE: Are you a criminal?

CRIMINAL: Yes officer, l am Criminal.

POLICE: Where is your gun?

CRIMINAL: My Gun is at home.

POLICE: What about bullet?

CRIMINAL: Bullet is also at home.

POLICE: Do you go to kill?

CRIMINAL: Yes sir. I go to Kill everyday. I even went yesterday.

POLICE: You are really looking for prison.

CRIMINAL: Yes, l am looking for Prison. That is why l am here.

He was dully arrested, tried and sentenced to prison.

REMEMBER THAT, Those destined to captive, captivity will they go!

July 26th 2025, 6:34pm

ONE OF THE GREATEST INTERVIEWS EVER CONDUCTED UNDER THE EARTH!

BETWEEN A JOURNALIST AND MISS GOGOGOFUKA!

JOURNALIST: Miss Gogogofuka, we learnt that you are the one organising this sex competition. Now, how do you term to handle all the thirty men you are challenging? I mean, it is somehow bizarre for a single lady to take thirty men under an hour.

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: Nothing bizzare about it. That is my calling. The more you look, the less you see, that's all!

JOURNALIST: Do you have any regret on earth as a lady?

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: Yes! My greatest regret was I never knew that something remarkable, spectacle, enjoyable, comfortable, intriguing and satisfactory like sex exists! Had it been l knew, l should have requested the creator to fix twelve private parts on my body! Had it been it was so, then you would see me handling a dozen men at a go!

You see, nothing is so exciting to me like when a man is on me! If it is possible for me to find anywhere to add to my organ, l would be there in a twinkle of an eye!

JOURNALIST: For how long can you have fun?

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: As long as you the man can stay! I often sleep with a man on me!

JOURNALIST: Talking about heaven and hell, which side do you likely to go?

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: Look and let me tell you. Immediately l died, l will examine the activities of both heaven and hell. I was told that one side is the headquarters of hymns singing, daily worship with white garments and praises! The other side is the headquarters of alcohol, tramadols, Colorados, India hemp, gambling and most of all sex galore! I prefer to go where there will be an abundant of sex and enjoyments. Hell, here l come!

JOURNALIST: Thank you, l hope to see you some other time!

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: You see, you can't visit me and go away empty handed without entertaining you. Please come in.

JOURNALIST: For what? Whatever gift that you have for me, give it to me here.

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: A goat which is inside the den of Mr Lion has no option but to dance to the whims and caprices of Mr Lion. My friend come inside in peace! The rest became history because to obey is better than sacrifice!

REMEMBER THAT THE MONKEY WHICH SAYS THAT IT MUST SEE THE SIZE OF THE HUNTER'S GUN WHICH HE USES TO KILL THEM WILL DEFINITELY SEES IT BUT WILL NEVER RETURN TO TELL THE OTHERS THE SIZE!

"YOU CAN COME WITH YOUR KID IF YOU HAVE ANY".

A certain woman was invited to her daughter's school end of year party. In the invitation, it was stated: YOU CAN COME WITH YOUR KID IF YOU HAVE ANY.

She then asked her daughter what did the word 'kid' means. She told her that kid is a small goat. Now, on the day of the party, she dressed up and carried a small goat and tied it on her back like a baby and off she went to the party.

When everyone had seated, the head of the school asked all the mothers to come forward with their kids to collect gifts for them. And this woman untied the little goat and she carried it to her. She was shocked and she shouted, "My God! What is this?" And the mother said, "Which one is my God! What is this? Is this not a kid? Are you not the one who wrote in the invitation card that we should come with our kid. Is this not a kid? What it eats is grasses and cassava and yams peels. Put them in that paper bag for her".

Everyone lost his or her composure as they roared with laughter!

EX RAYING THE JUDGMENT DAY FOR SOME OF THE UNFORGIVABLE CRIMES IN THE SOCIETY TODAY!

A MAN IS FACING THE JUDGMENT SEAT AFTER HIS DEATH TO GIVE AN ACCOUNT OF ALL THAT HE DID ON EARTH.

JUDGMENT LORD: Mr, you are welcome to the judgment panel. From the record of your life before me shows multiple of unforgivable sins! Strings of iniquities are fastened to your body from different spheres! First of all, let's look at your life history.

First of all, when you were in school, you took part in nocturnal groups activities. You and some of your fellow classmates took part in the raping of teenage girls. You impregnated several girls and you denied responsible for their pregnancies and the girls were forced to abort them. You later joined the law enforcement agency. And you were very brutal. Collecting illegal money from people by force. You killed a lot of people who refused to give you bribe in the name of accident discharged.

You arrested and imprisoned many innocent people because they dared to challenge you. You were dismissed from the force and you later joined a kidnapping gang. You were very brutal! You abducted law abiding people and blindfolded them. You subjected them to excruciating pains. You rape people's wives and forced people to pay ransoms. Those who couldn't pay were brutally executed by you. Even after ransom, you still killed some.

You later joined a "one chance group" where you pretends to be a commercial driver. You and your gang abducted women, beat them mercilessly, ganged raped them and forced them to call whosoever they know to send you money after you have emptied their bank accounts. Those who could not pay you threw them out of the moving car to die in pieces. You killed some and sell their parts to ritualists. I can go on and on because the chain of your atrocities is endless! What do you have to say?

DEAD MAN: Your Holiness, l was forced to commit some of these crimes. Like the extortion at the roadblock, l was making a huge returns to my Oga at the top. I was given a target on the amount to settle or else no way forward. In the kidnapping gang and the one chance, l have a bigger Oga who free us whenever we were arrested. Please your Holiness, temper justice with mercy.

HIS HOLINESS: Did you know anything like mercy when you were carrying out your evil machinations with the greatest cruelty? When your victims were begging you, have you in a single moment felt for them? Your permanent abode is hell where the worms never die! You are going to experience a billion times what your victims suffered. But yours will be endless! From this moment continuously you are going to suffer forever! Your so called Ogas are coming to join you!

DEAD MAN: Your Holiness, l don't want my Ogas to come and join me in hell. They will punish me there for implicating them.

HIS HOLINESS: Who told you that they are coming here to join you? Their permanent abode is lake of fire! That punishment is a trillion times more excruciating than yours!

Ladies and gentlemen! Remember that KARMA doesn't forget any sinner's house address. You are happy now kidnapping, killing, raping, one chance, scamming, robbing, ritual! KARMA is coming to your home address! Repent now!

REMEMBER THAT "EVIL IS A MILLION YEAR MORE EXPERIENCED THAN GOOD ".

Thursday, 13 March 2025

"ANOTHER LESSON WHICH THE POLICE WILL NEVER FORGET IN A HURRY! ( Part Two )

Once upon a time, there was this police roadblock along a popular busy road. This road is very crucial owing to the fact that it leads to eight rural commercial villages.

People come from far and near to buy meat, garri, plantains, cocoyams, yams, fish, crabs, crayfish, oysters and many others edibles in these villages markets!

Because of the commercial activities in these villages, the police makes a brisk business in the roadblock. Many of the commercial vehicles overload their vehicles with goods and since they knew that it is an offence, they come down to settle the police before passing. Daily, the police makes fortune at this roadblock!

At a time, their activities was reported to their Superior officer and he began to monitor them by paying an unscheduled visit to the checkpoint. On such a visit, he checks all their pockets for money. Woe to any officer whom a large sum of money is found in his pockets!

Because of this the policemen at the roadblock device a tactics. Behind the roadblock is a thick forest with mighty trees! They bought a wide and deep plastic container with a cover. They hid it behind a tree. Whatever money they got, they keep it inside. Then came a time of crisis between two of these villages. A lot of gunrunners began to supply weapons to the two warring communities!

Because of this, the crisis lingered on for a very long time.

And so the authority deployed a detachment of soldiers to this very roadblock to check the movement of arms into the villages. Most of the soldiers were deployed directly to the warring communities. Only seven soldiers were deployed to the roadblock to join the police. The soldiers sat down while the police did the collection of money.

In the evening when they are to handover duty, all of them would go to where the container is and open it in the presence of everyone of them and share the money amongst themselves, But later, the police saw it as a cheat for them to do the collection only for them to share the money with the soldiers. And so, towards the evenings, when they are about to handover duty, any of the police who takes money to keep in the container would pack a substantial amount from the money and hide it far.

When they had shared the money in the container and the soldiers gone, they would quickly bring out the ones they have hidden and share it among themselves. After all, monkeys can't be working and bamboos are eating!

But very soon, the soldiers found out secretly what the police are doing! And they decided to beat the police to their game. One day, they have a huge amount of money because that was the day after peace was brokered between the two warring communities and they lay down their arms!

For the first time after about a year, commercial activities resume in these two communities again!

That was why they got a huge amount of money that day.

Now, towards the evening hours, one of the soldiers with a motorcycle told them that he wanted to go to a neighbouring village to buy palm wine. When he had gone far, he parked off the road and trust soldiers when it comes to sneaking! He crawled through the forest down to the roadblock and moved to the container. He took a big sack along and he emptied the whole money into the sack and placed the container back in its position and covered it.

He crawled back to his motorcycle and rode off!

He gave the sack to the lady who sells the palm wine to keep for him. He told her that it contains his property and nothing should come closer to where she keeps it.

He then rode down to the roadblock with a keg of fresh palm wine which they all enjoyed!

Then, came the zero hour! The hour when all of them usually go into the bush to share the money.

On getting there, the police opens it with much enthusiasm because that was the day they made the highest money. But alas, no money!

It was like a miracle or better still a horror movie that is not real!

They continue to stare at one another as to what is actually happening? Where is all the money?

Then the soldiers pretended to be angry. They told the police that they are the ones who usually go there to keep the money; which means they have to account for the missing money. But in all these, the seven soldiers knew what they have done. The police then begged them to exercise a little patient with them that when they received their salary at the month end, they would from it give them their share. The police finally received their salary. They took from each of their salary to pay the soldiers.

Meanwhile that day, after closing, the soldiers went to the woman's shop and collected the money which they shared among themselves with each of them getting a whooping amount that could be up to their salaries of two years then!

The police smelt rat! They suspected that the soldiers may have something to do with the missing money because for years they have been keeping money there, they had never lost a dine! They then decided not to be posted together with the soldiers again. They formed another roadblock far off from the soldiers.

Now with the police gone, the soldiers found it difficult to stand on the road to collect money from motorists.

They then found a young man of about twenty years of age. They gave him a camouflage T-shirt and a cap. He stands on the road to collect money for the soldiers. He became very proud in his area. He moves around with pride putting on the camouflage T-shirt and cap. He talks to people with impunity! Like the saying that "When you give a local man uniform, he becomes a problem to his community". Some of the community's elders went to the young Man's mother to complain to her about her son's attitude. They told her to caution him.

But she became angry with them. She said that the villagers were jealous because her son was chosen to be among the soldiers. She asked them to go and drown in the sea because her son was already a soldier. She went and told the soldiers about all that the villagers are saying. The soldiers came to warn the villagers.They said that the villagers should know that the young man is a soldier and that means his mother should be respected and treated with dignity because she is a mother of a soldier man. When the soldiers had gone, she told them that she has been vindicated when she referred to her son as a soldier because the soldiers themselves have confirmed it.

She began to mock at the people with the following song:

As E dey pain dem, E dey sweet us! As E dey sweet us, E dey pain them. Fools! Your useless sons are not even fit for common voluntary organizations such as boyscout and MAN' O WAR BAY. Whether they like it or not, he is already a soldier!

The police reported the soldiers' and the boy's activities to the military authority. The head of the military then beams his searchlight on the activities of the soldiers at the roadblock by paying an unscheduled visit to the roadblock regularly. One day, he was in his car coming towards the roadblock when he ran into a chaotic traffic jam! He enquires from motorists on what was causing the gridlock. They told him that it was as a result of the military roadblock. He got down from his car and walks down to the roadblock only for him to see this young man collecting money from motorists.

He asked him if he was a soldier man to which he says he was not. He asks him where did he get the camouflage T-shirt and cap from. He said that they were given to him by the soldiers for him to collect money for them. He turns towards the soldiers who were all presenting their arms in a general salute! They denied knowing the young man let alone to have given camouflage T-shirt and cap to him to collect money for them. He then commands the soldiers to fire him since he is denting the image of the military.

In a second, they open fire on him and he died flat!

Now, when the commander of the army had gone, the soldiers went to the young man's mother. They told her that as being a soldier man goes with dignity and pride, also does it go with death. They told her that her son died in a crossfire with enemies. That is, he died in an active service to his father's land. She asks them when would the government pay her, his son's gratuity as a force man who died in an active service. They told her that he is an unknown soldier because his name hasn't been sent to army headquarters. That means he was pre-korofo. That is suffer-suffer for world, zombie of no recognition!

She collapsed on the macadamized thoroughfare and the villagers burst into what they called, "He who laughs last, laughs best. As E dey sweet us, E dey pain them. Omo, as E dey pain them, E dey sweet us!"

THAT IS THE END OF THIS STORY!

AFRICA NATURAL STORIES

Categories

Saturday, 21 June 2025

AFRICAN LIBRARY, THE HOME OF WONDERFUL STORIES

THE FOUNDATION OF STORIES! YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS THEM!

THE FULFILLMENT OF THE DREAM

OTURUGBEKE

Thursday, 13 March 2025

"ANOTHER LESSON WHICH THE POLICE WILL NEVER FORGET IN A HURRY! ( Part Two )

About Me

Total Pageviews