OTURUGBEKE

Dear Oturugbeke, my name is Oguma Ibeni. I am 42 years old man from Bayelsa state. I need an urgent advise.

Some years back, l returned to Nigeria my country from Botswana where l was living. Things were very difficult for me on arrival. I went to my home town but there was no house in our family's compound where l could stay. The place was full with grasses. Although we have a lot of landed properties. I found an accommodation in a church for a month before a man took me to a certain caretaker.

The caretaker took me to a very big compound with a lot of vacant two and three bedroom flats. He told me that the landlord has a policy of accommodating his tenants for only twenty years. After the twenty years he quits you and put a new tenant. He said that the landlord just quits all his tenants who had lived for twenty years hence there were a lot of vacant flats. I believed him. I took a two bedroom flat for thirty thousand naira monthly. He asked me to pay for a year. Agent fee, a hundred thousand naira, landlord fee and drink a hundred and twenty thousand naira and caution fee a hundred thousand naira. The total money I paid was about six hundred and eighty thousand naira.

I packed in immediately. But surprisedly, barely a month later, a company came with law enforcement agents and quit me on the ground that they had bought the compound to be used as a production company hence they gave all the tenants a three month quit notice. They said that they were very surprised to see that l haven't packed out. It was then it occurred to me that l have been duped! I packed to my church premises once more. The caretaker from that moment began to avoid me. I continued going to his house but he was never at home.

I became familiar with his family. They were angry with him for how cruelly he treated me. About three months later, l fell in love with one of his daughters and l impregnated her! We then got an apartment off town. When it dawned on him that what l did seems like an avenged, he came to me and said that l have to pay the bride price before the girl gives birth or else the child will not be mine.

He sat down in his room and wrote three pages of requirements for their traditional marriage rite. Everything total five million naira! I later got the actual marriage rite requirements list. The requirements were not more than two hundred thousand naira! I have no choice but to cough out the money! I then told him to refund the house rent money to me. He told me that my money had entered voicemail! 

After the marriage, my wife gave birth to triplets, all males! One day my wife told me that her father was looking for about an acre of land closer to any swamp where he would build a fish farm. I took him to a land in my village and l used my brother as the landlord. He told him that it will cost him three hundred million naira. I arranged with my brother in all that he would say because that land belongs to the army. They wanted to build a barrack there. He secured a loan in the bank using two of his buildings as collateral.

Immediately we got the money, l took my wife and my children and my brother and we fled abroad. He went to the farm to start the project but the army held him. He began to argue with the army and they beat him to a state of coma and he later died. Now, his burial ceremony is coming up soon. And according to the tradition, l the in-law would be the first to pour drink on the coffin and the grave before his children and then he would finally be committed to mother earth. According to the tradition if that is not done, my wife and the children will die. 

Last week, he appeared to me in the dream saying that he is waiting for me by his grave side on his burial day. He said no Jupiter would stops him from going to the grave with me. He said that l have already gone because l am just a walking corpse! What would l do? The only thing that would prevent my death is to allow my wife and my children to die. Should l die for my wife and children to live or they should die for me to live?

Please, l am on my knees begging you to do everything possible to help me, l don't want to die and leave behind this enjoyable earth and my millions! I await your urgent advise.

DEAR OGUMA, it is said that we should not pay one evil with another evil. It is cleared that he was a very cruel and greedy man. But since you have gotten married to his daughter and also have kids, you shouldn't have avenged the past. The two options before you are very difficult to meet. Since your case is a spiritual one, we have to consult the great ORACULUS-OPARAMULUS, the spiritual dictionary for an advise. 

Here are his words! That you should write all the wrongs that he had done to you and the resson why you did that to him on a plain sheet of white paper using a new red pen. After burn the pen. Then take the paper to the mortuary where his body is and place it on the corpse for twenty four hours then take the paper and bury it in a notable cemetery on top of a male grave. You can then go to the burial ceremony. These are the words of the great ORACULUS-OPARAMULUS. They are sure!

                     MR CRIMINAL AND THE POLICE.

There is this man named Criminal. He has a wife named Prison and two daughters named Gun and Bullet respectively. He goes to a daily job at a place called Kill. One day his wife, Prison left home very early in the morning to an unknown destination. All efforts by her husband and daughters to find her proved abortive. Finally, her husband, Criminal decided to go to the police to make an official report. The following took place at the station between Criminal and the police officer on duty.

CRIMINAL: Good morning officer.

POLICE: Good morning my friend. Yes, how may l help you?

CRIMINAL: I am looking for Prison sir.

POLICE: Are you a criminal?

CRIMINAL: Yes officer, l am Criminal.

POLICE: Where is your gun?

CRIMINAL: My Gun is at home.

POLICE: What about bullet?

CRIMINAL: Bullet is also at home.

POLICE: Do you go to kill?

CRIMINAL: Yes sir. I go to Kill everyday. I even went yesterday.

POLICE: You are really looking for prison.

CRIMINAL: Yes, l am looking for Prison. That is why l am here.

He was dully arrested, tried and sentenced to prison.

REMEMBER THAT, Those destined to captive, captivity will they go!

July 26th 2025, 6:34pm

ONE OF THE GREATEST INTERVIEWS EVER CONDUCTED UNDER THE EARTH!

BETWEEN A JOURNALIST AND MISS GOGOGOFUKA!

JOURNALIST: Miss Gogogofuka, we learnt that you are the one organising this sex competition. Now, how do you term to handle all the thirty men you are challenging? I mean, it is somehow bizarre for a single lady to take thirty men under an hour.

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: Nothing bizzare about it. That is my calling. The more you look, the less you see, that's all!

JOURNALIST: Do you have any regret on earth as a lady?

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: Yes! My greatest regret was I never knew that something remarkable, spectacle, enjoyable, comfortable, intriguing and satisfactory like sex exists! Had it been l knew, l should have requested the creator to fix twelve private parts on my body! Had it been it was so, then you would see me handling a dozen men at a go!

You see, nothing is so exciting to me like when a man is on me! If it is possible for me to find anywhere to add to my organ, l would be there in a twinkle of an eye!

JOURNALIST: For how long can you have fun?

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: As long as you the man can stay! I often sleep with a man on me!

JOURNALIST: Talking about heaven and hell, which side do you likely to go?

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: Look and let me tell you. Immediately l died, l will examine the activities of both heaven and hell. I was told that one side is the headquarters of hymns singing, daily worship with white garments and praises! The other side is the headquarters of alcohol, tramadols, Colorados, India hemp, gambling and most of all sex galore!  I prefer to go where there will be an abundant of sex and enjoyments. Hell, here l come!

JOURNALIST: Thank you, l hope to see you some other time!

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: You see, you can't visit me and go away empty handed without entertaining you. Please come in.

JOURNALIST: For what? Whatever gift that you have for me, give it to me here.

MISS GOGOGOFUKA: A goat which is inside the den of Mr Lion has no option but to dance to the whims and caprices of Mr Lion. My friend come inside in peace! The rest became history because to obey is better than sacrifice!

REMEMBER THAT THE MONKEY WHICH SAYS THAT IT MUST SEE THE SIZE OF THE HUNTER'S GUN WHICH HE USES TO KILL THEM WILL DEFINITELY SEES IT BUT WILL NEVER RETURN TO TELL THE OTHERS THE SIZE!

"YOU CAN COME WITH YOUR KID IF YOU HAVE ANY".

A certain woman was invited to her daughter's school end of year party. In the invitation, it was stated: YOU CAN COME WITH YOUR KID IF YOU HAVE ANY.

She then asked her daughter what did the word 'kid' means. She told her that kid is a small goat. Now, on the day of the party, she dressed up and carried a small goat and tied it on her back like a baby and off she went to the party. 

When everyone had seated, the head of the school asked all the mothers to come forward with their kids to collect gifts for them. And this woman untied the little goat and she carried it to her. She was shocked and she shouted, "My God! What is this?" And the mother said, "Which one is my God! What is this? Is this not a kid? Are you not the one who wrote in the invitation card that we should come with our kid. Is this not a kid? What it eats is grasses and cassava and yams peels. Put them in that paper bag for her".

Everyone lost his or her composure as they roared with laughter!

EX RAYING THE JUDGMENT DAY FOR SOME OF THE UNFORGIVABLE CRIMES IN THE SOCIETY TODAY!

A MAN IS FACING THE JUDGMENT SEAT AFTER HIS DEATH TO GIVE AN ACCOUNT OF ALL THAT HE DID ON EARTH.

JUDGMENT LORD: Mr, you are welcome to the judgment panel. From the record of your life before me shows multiple of unforgivable sins! Strings of iniquities are fastened to your body from different spheres! First of all, let's look at your life history.

First of all, when you were in school, you took part in nocturnal groups activities. You and some of your fellow classmates took part in the raping of teenage girls. You impregnated several girls and you denied responsible for their pregnancies and the girls were forced to abort them. You later joined the law enforcement agency. And you were very brutal. Collecting illegal money from people by force. You killed a lot of people who refused to give you bribe in the name of accident discharged.

You arrested and imprisoned many innocent people because they dared to challenge you. You were dismissed from the force and you later joined a kidnapping gang. You were very brutal! You abducted law abiding people and blindfolded them. You subjected them to excruciating pains. You rape people's wives and forced people to pay ransoms. Those who couldn't pay were brutally executed by you. Even after ransom, you still killed some. 

You later joined a "one chance group" where you pretends to be a commercial driver. You and your gang abducted women, beat them mercilessly, ganged raped them and forced them to call whosoever they know to send you money after you have emptied their bank accounts. Those who could not pay you threw them out of the moving car to die in pieces. You killed some and sell their parts to ritualists. I can go on and on because the chain of your atrocities is endless! What do you have to say?

DEAD MAN: Your Holiness, l was forced to commit some of these crimes. Like the extortion at the roadblock, l was making a huge returns to my Oga at the top. I was given a target on the amount to settle or else no way forward. In the kidnapping gang and the one chance, l have a bigger Oga who free us whenever we were arrested. Please your Holiness, temper justice with mercy.

HIS HOLINESS: Did you know anything like mercy when you were carrying out your evil machinations with the greatest cruelty? When your victims were begging you, have you in a single moment felt for them? Your permanent abode is hell where the worms never die! You are going to experience a billion times what your victims suffered. But yours will be endless! From this moment continuously you are going to suffer forever! Your so called Ogas are coming to join you!

DEAD MAN: Your Holiness, l don't want my Ogas to come and join me in hell. They will punish me there for implicating them.

HIS HOLINESS: Who told you that they are coming here to join you? Their permanent abode is lake of fire! That punishment is a trillion times more excruciating than yours!

Ladies and gentlemen! Remember that KARMA doesn't forget any sinner's house address.  You are happy now kidnapping, killing, raping, one chance, scamming, robbing, ritual! KARMA is coming to your home address! Repent now!

REMEMBER THAT "EVIL IS A MILLION YEAR MORE EXPERIENCED  THAN GOOD ".