Sunday 19 May 2024

GBA-GBOS LIVE NO DUPLICATE! TRADE TRADEMARK

                          LOCAL AND FOREIGN

                          FOREIGN

SON: Dad and mum, l had a dream last night and l am very excited about it men!
I saw policemen coming towards this our bungalow in their dozens. Men, it was a marvellous sight with their uniforms well iron, men!

DAD and MUM: Congratulation, my son! It is an indication that we are well protected from all forms of danger.
Kudos men, it is a very good and happy dream boy!

                                LOCAL

JUNIOR: Daddy, mummy, l had a dream last night. 
I saw a lot of policemen coming to our house.

DADDY AND MUMMY: Junior, holy ghost fire!
Not our portion, my son!
They can never succeed.
High fever is coming your way! 
Take this money and go to that chemist store.
Tell them to give you, malaria, typhoid, body pain, cough and catarrh.

Then go to meet our pastor for prayer and dry fasting.
Police in dream means bad luck, sickness and enemies.
God forbid bad dream.

GBA-GBOS LIVE NO DUPLICATE! THIEF PASS THIEF!

                            HE DON RED AGAIN O

                         AT  VIGILANTES' OFFICE

COMPLAINANT: Please, officer, l need your help urgently.
For the fear of robbers, l welded an iron gate to protect my house. But one morning as l woke up, it has been stolen.
So l employed the services of four security guards to protect me.

I heard a shout in the night and l got up.
Only for me to get to the gate and met a crowd of people.
They told me that they came out when they heard the guards shouting for help as they were been taken away after they were stolen by unknown gun men.
I know that the next thing for them to steal is myself.
That is why l am here to get protected.

VIGILANTES: Sir, this your case is more than us. Go to the police. They have more equipment and powers to give you an adequate protection.

COMPLAINANT: I am a police officer myself. We can no longer protect ourselves hence l came to you.

GBA-GBOS LIVE NO DUPLICATE! AFRICA FOR REAL!

                            ABROAD AND LOCAL

                                        ABROAD
XHOSA: Jane, do you know that my husband, McCarty doesn't take care of my daughter and I as a father? Despite, his wealth. He owns three manufacturing companies and yet he can't Cater for us. What is your advice on this? I am fed up men! Oh, gush!

JANE:  Bullshit men! Take him to court men! He can't continues to violate your fundamental human rights and go scot free.
The law is there for you to vent your grievances.
The court will put him in his right place in the family.

                                  LOCAL

MAMA RITA: Ese my sister. Do you know that my husband, Papa Rita doesn't care for me and the children?
With all the money, cars and industries he has, I still manage to feed myself and the children. He spends money on small girls outside. What do you think l should do?

ESE: Mama Rita! Mama Rita! How many times I call you?
Two times. I nor know say you still be mumu like this.
Oya, get up. Na Baba Karagabaga aka OKUKUMAIKU shrine we dey go so.
Haba!  Why you never tell me since.
OKUKUMAIKU go make am like mumu just now and he go come dey pack money give you like  osusu.
Na wah for you O.
He go make am and he go come dey hate all those small small girls. Nor play with Baba OKUKUMAIKU O.

You nor see as my husband dey worship me like God?
If my husband dey go out, he go take excuse from me first.
All na the handiwork of OKUKUMAIKU.

Saturday 18 May 2024

AFRICAN TALES!

Long ago, the heaven refused to send down the rain to water the earth due to the people's evils. Life became unbearable for mankind. There was a heavy drought and famine set in.
If nothing is done, mankind would extinct!

Now, the king of the earth became really worried.
He then consulted an Oracle which revealed that the only solution was for them to carry a sacrifice consist of a meal cooked with dog and he goat meat, fresh palm wine and a maracas to the abode of the rain god in the fourth spiritual realm.

Now, the king searched for a messager who will carry the sacrifice to the abode of the rain god but none! As nobody could dare to go on the perilous journey of about a billion mile! Now, the King was in a state of despair. At last he gave up. He told every living creature to get ready for the inevitable, death!

Few hours after this announcement, the vulture came to the king and said, "Thy O Your Majesty! May it please you to listen to your subject. 
I am the vulture.
The sky navigator!
The squadron of the birds!
I can go on the journey, your Majesty.
No how far, it may be, l must navigate my way down there.
But you must promise me, what my reward will be".

                           TO BE CONTINUED

Then the king said to the Vulture, "Thy O Vulture. This is not a mere flying in the sky. It is a journey of about a billion mile. It is a journey full with many unknown dangers that one can't imagined. But if you are so confident that you can go and return successfully, then you will be considered the saviour of the earth.
I can't promise you any reward all alone. My wife the Queen must be here". 

And so, the Queen was called. She came and the king told her the words of the Vulture. She was very happy to hear the words of the Vulture. She thanked him and told him to name whatever thing he may want as a reward. 
But the Vulture said that the Royal family should think about a reward which they think will be best for him as a young man.

The Royal family unanimously agreed that one of the princesses should be given to him as a wife if he made it successfully.
And they told him what they had agreed on.
The Vulture was very happy to hear the promised of the Royal family. He bowed before the Royal throne and he told them to get the sacrifice prepared.

The king sent messengers and town criers to go round the earth and announce to them, that hope has come.
In no time, the sacrifice was prepared!
It was very delicious with an irresistible aroma!

Everyone came out to witness the Vulture's departure.
He carried the food, the Palm wine and the big Maracas and off he flew towards the sky. He must get to the abode of the rain god within seven days because after seven days, the food could go bad and that means the journey would be futile!

They baded him farewell with clapping, singing and prayers. They waved to him as they looked on.
Soon, they could no longer see him and everyone dispersed. 

The Vulture knew that he must cover at least a million mile per a minute if he must get to the abode of the rain Maker in seven days.

                      TO BE CONTINUED!

Now, after the Vulture had left the planeti earth, he balanced his flight ability and increased his speed. It became almost impossible for the eyes to see him because of his speed. He was covering about a million mile in a minute. On the second day in the night, he arrived the abode of the wind! This was an abode where hurricanes, tornadoes and whirlwind reigned supreme! No living creature can come closer to it. The Vulture was just like a dried leaf in the midst of a storm!

As he got closer to the gate, they issued him a warning to get nowhere closer to the gate or else, he would be blown off.
And the Vulture said: 
I am the Vulture!
The sky Navigator!
The squadron of the birds!
May nothing stop me!

And he pierced through the abode with an unprecedented invisible speed!
Before the hurricanes and their agents could know what was happening, he had passed!
He continued on his mission. On the fourth day, he arrived the abode of the Sun! This was a very dangerous abode of fire and brimstones! Woe to any living creature that dares to get anywhere closer to it! 
The heat from this abode could be felt millions of Miles away and it was almost unbearable.
When the Sun saw the Vulture approaching its abode, it smiles for the little food he would soon consumed.

When the Vulture saw that this abode was impassible, he said: 
I am the Vulture!
The sky navigator!
The squadron of the birds!
May nothing stop me!
And with a speed of an invisible wind, he pierced through the furnace abode!

Before the Sun and its agents could know what was happening, the Vulture had passed!
He was now very weak! But he must continue.
On the early morning of the fifth day, he arrived the abode of the elemental beings! The fallen angels!

TO BE CONTINUED

Now, these elemental beings perceived spiritually the aroma of the delicious meal and the palm wine and they approached the Vulture and welcomed him. They told him that they have been expecting him with the sacrifice. They told him to give them the sacrifice and immediately they have eaten they would open the door of the clouds and the rain will come down to earth. He reasoned that he was sent to just one spiritual god and not thousands of them at once. They sense the Vulture's reasoning through their spiritual vibration.

And they tried to cajole him to give them the food. They tried all tricks but failed. They became hostile towards him. "Yes, if this being proves to be stubborn to us, then we will make sure he gets no further. We will make sure, he dies here", they said to one another. And the Vulture tried to manoeuvre his way through the back of the abode.
But they blocked him. They said to him, "Thou Vulture, the son of the lower beings! No one passes here without our agreement.

Our mouths are watery! All we want is the delicious meal and palm wine. Give it to us and your heart's desire will be granted".

When the Vulture saw that he had wasted enough time already and the journey may become fruitless, he balanced himself and flew backward. And they said to him,"Too late, son of Life. We have already known your plan and it won't works here". 

The Vulture began to watch their flights ability and movements. He then plucked off two of his feathers and threw them forward. They thought he threw the sacrifice at them and they rushed at it.
The Vulture immediately said as they struggled after the feathers:

I am the Vulture!
The sky navigator!
The squadron of the birds!
May nothing stop me.

And with a whizz of noise, he pierced through the abode in an unprecedented invisible speed.
They only heard the whizz of his flight!
He was off.

They clenched their fists in a powerless range.
On the seventh day, very early in the morning, the Vulture arrived the abode of the rain god!

But the danger was far from been over!
The Vulture is now facing the greatest danger ever! 

TO BE CONTINUED

He then heaved a sigh of relief. At last, he has reached the end of the journey so he thought for now. Joyfully, with a smile on his face, he flew towards a spot where he believed the gate was. And a voice came to him like a thunderbolt, "Thou, O son of life, where art thou going? There is no road here. Go back now".

He became frustrated and angry. He was almost collapsing due to dehydration
Please, l beg you O knowledgeable one. Be merciful.

I am on an important mission from the earth. May it pleased my Lord to show me the way to the abode of the rain god. I beseech thee, my people are on the verge of death. Today is the seventh day since l left the planet earth. I have neither tasted food or water nor stopped for a second. If l don't get to the abode within the seven days, my journey and suffering would be in vain".

And the voice answered him saying, "I feel for you, son of life. Had it been there is anything that I can do to help you, l should have done it since".

And the Vulture looked round, everywhere looked the same.
The top seemed to be sealed with nowhere to go.
And he said to himself, "I must accomplish the journey come what may. I know what to do. With a speed of lightning flash, l will be gone! And he said: 

I am the vulture!
The sky navigator!
The squadron of the birds!
May nothing stop me!

But this time around, the incarnations did not work!
He remained where he was!
It then dawned on him, that he had reached his wits' end.

WHAT WOULD HE DO NOW?

TO BE CONTINUED.

Time was no longer on his side. He thought about the initial words of the king when he said that "the journey was more than mere flying in the sky but a journey full with many unknown dangers that one can't imagined" and at that time, he assured him of his ability to go and return successfully. It would a disgrace to his reputation as the sky navigator if he failed the people.

He then examined the thick walls of the sky properly. As he did that a voice said to him, "Thou Vulture, you have to sacrifice your blood before you can gain entry into the abode. A sacrifice which will forever be seen and remembered".

He decided to try another method of approach. He flew backward about two millions miles. He then spread out his two wings and flew towards the walls with an unprecedented vigour and hits the walls with his bushy head that has a lot of plumes. And the walls cracked with a loud noise. Behold, it was broken opened! Thereby creating a wide passage for him.

He flew into the abode but Alas! The damaged has been done. His head was broken opened and his many plumes pulled off revealing his bleeding skull! He was in an agonizing pains, as blood drifted down his body. But he tried to protect the sacrifice as he could to avoid the blood touching it. 

When he had gone deeper into the abode, he got to a roadblock mounted by spiritual angelic armies. They halted him. And a Holy one said to him: "Who are you and why are you here?" "I am the vulture, the sky navigator! The squadron of the birds! I am on a journey to the abode of the rain god to deliver a sacrifice to him as an appeasement for the evils of the earth planet. May it pleased my Lord to grant thy servant a safe and a quicker passage".

And the Holy one said to him, "Thou Eagle, the sky navigator! The squadron of the birds!
You can't see the rain god because of your numerous evils on earth. Sinners are not allowed in here. This is our position".

What would the Vulture do now?

TO BE CONTINUED

And the Vulture said: May it pleased my Lord to look at the record of thy servant. I was never amongst them in perpetrating those evils. I know that I am Worthy to come here hence l embarked on the journey. He who goes to equity must have clean hands.  

And and a book was opened and the Vulture's name was not found. And the holy one said: You may not have committed any atrocities on earth but you just committed one now by breaking into this abode unauthorized. Do you know the damaged you have done to this abode? This is enough for you to be killed. Or what do you think?


And he answered: May it pleased my Lord to temper justice with mercy. A hungry man is an angry man. We were dying on earth. We must do anything humanly possible for us to be alive! That was why l have to break into the abode to deliver the sacrifice. The messenger can't be killed even if the message is false. I am only a messenger trying to help my people. I have suffered more than necessary. My beautiful plumes have pulled off and my head has become Bald! I am in great pains and l am almost collapsing due to hunger and thirst. May it pleased my Lord to consider my plight and grant me a safe passage.

"Very well, said the holy one. You may go to the abode of the rain god but you must give us the palm wine to drink".

"You know that will not be possible. They are meant for the rain god and l can't grant you what belongs to him. My time is almost up! Please", the Vulture shouted.

" Thou son of the lower beings, We are sorry, your request cannot be granted", the holy one said.

TO BE CONTINUED.

The Vulture became angry and frustrated!
For him, his mission was already a failure.
And he decided to adopt a system of flight he was used to from birth. He circled navigated this abode seven times in a very desperate and an unprecedented speed.

The holy one became concerned and interested in the Vulture's ability,  eagerness and agility in his movements.
And he said to him: 
Thou the son of the lower beings. 
Go in now to accomplish your mission. Your eagerness and compassion to save your people shows that you are your neighbours' keeper and promoter of mankind's continuous existence on earth.

And with a speed that the lightning flash would have envied to add to its speed, he whizzed into the abode of the rain god. He was there at the last second!
And he stood before the silver throne of the rain god and said:

Thou O the Lord of the abode.
I am the Vulture,
The sky navigator, 
The squadron of the birds.
Let my Lord accept the sacrifice from the earth to him as an atonement and appeasement for their evils.
May it pleased my Lord to have mercy on the earth and release once more the normal regular rainfall to it.
This is my supplication.
I am just a messenger,
Let not the words of the messenger angers my Lord.
I am loyal to your benevolence, thy O the rain giver.

And he bowed his head before the throne.

TO BE CONTINUED.

The rain god looked at the Vulture in a satisfactory manner and he spoke to him using the spiritual airwaves medium:

Thank you, the son of life for your effort and huge sacrifice of both your life and time to come to my abode.
No living creature had ever been to this abode from earth because they can't really make it alive.
I am surprised to see you the son of life with blood in my abode.

It shows that you are not an ordinary living creature but a very special breed of life.
Bring fort that sacrifice so that I may perceive it to know whether it could be accepted or not.

And the Vulture stretched it forward and the food and the wine and the maracas hung on the air. 
And the irresistible delicious aroma of the meal filled the air. And the rain god said to the vulture through the airwaves medium:
I the rain god have accepted your sacrifice of appeasement and I will therefore open the windows of the cloud to resume its normal distribution of waters to the earth as usual.

But since you the messenger have broken opened my abode to get here, you can't go without receiving the punishment.
Here now is your punishment.
There shall never grow again hairs and feathers on your head after it is healed! You shall henceforth remained bald!
Secondly, you shall not find it ease to get back to earth. Except you seek the wisdom of nature, you can never get back to earth again.

You shall be thrown to a bounded planet of KUNKUNMUNDUNDUN. You are to fly round it seven days and seven nights without stopping for a second.
If you stop for a moment, you will start all over again.

Now, go!!! 
And the Vulture was cast out into the bounded planet of KUNKUNMUNDUNDUN.

What would the Vulture do now?

TO BE CONTINUED.

Back on earth. Now, when the seven days had past and the Vulture hadn't returned, the king became really worried. He then sent for the chief priest. 
Without wasting time, he was before the king.
The king asked him to immediately consult the Oracle to know the fate of the Vulture.

The chief priest tried all he could to speak with the gods but they were silent. The Oracle showed nothing!

The king asked him why was the gods silent.
He told him that the action of the gods showed that the fate and whereabouts of the Vulture was beyond them!
There was a huge crowd at the palace to know the outcomes of the Vulture's journey. 
But they were rather disappointed after they were told the outcomes of the Oracle.

Both the king and the people feared for the safety of the Vulture. They just hope their fears shouldn't be compounded. All they hope was seeing their saviour back hale and hearty.

Back to KUNKUNMUNDUNDUN.

The distance between this planet and the abode of the rain god was about fifty million miles! 
It took him about two days in spiritual journey to get there in an unconscious state. But the extremely cold nature of this planet revived him. He got on his flight to nowhere in particular. When he had flew for twenty four hours, he became exhausted and he collapsed down.

After sometimes, he revived and began the flight. When he had flew for two days, he became exhausted and he collapsed down again. After sometimes, he revived and began the flight. When he had flew for three days, he became exhausted and he collapsed down, once more.

Once again, he revived after sometimes. He began the flight looking dehydrated. He was on the verge of dying from thirst, hunger and tiredness. But he mustered his strength and began the flight. But when he had flew for four days, he became exhausted and he collapsed down.
So it continued till he collapsed down for the sixth time.

This time around, he didn't revive as usual!
FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
TO BE CONTINUED

                         MAN'S INHUMANITY TO MAN!

He went into a trance and found himself in a city which was totally out of this world. He was brought before a spiritual leader. The spiritual leader looked at him and wept. "Why are you weeping, wise one?" The Vulture asked. "Who are you son of life?" The spiritual leader asked him. "I am the Vulture, the sky navigator and the squadron of the birds", he answered. "My dear. Just as the Messiah who came to save mankind suffered and was rejected by the world also would you be rejected by those who supposed to reward you.

To help mankind is not worthwhile! Mankind always reward good with evil, hence the creator has mapped out a judgment for his creatures. I know what you have suffered to get here. If not that you volunteered your life to save the earth, by today none of you would have remained!

The worse humiliation is ahead of you! But the beauty of it all is that you are going to create an unforgettable event and history in the existence of mankind forever. 
Go yee now and use your wisdom to free yourself from the bondage that you have found yourself. You don't belong to this land for now. So therefore, go yee now and enter back into your fleshly body and use the ancient wisdom to get out or you remain unconscious for ever", he said.

The Vulture became conscious. He stood up looking haggard and dehydrated. He managed to spread his two wings and continued his flight for the seventh time.
He flew for seven days without stopping!
Suddenly, a voice said to him, "Son of the lower beings. Look at your back". 

He then turned and saw a very long and narrow tunnel.
And the voice said again, "Fly through it and go down to your abode. You have done well and your history will never be forgotten".

He tried to fly through it but it was very narrow. He then forced himself into it and with a great difficulty he flew through it for seven days and seven nights.
On the seventh day, he came out on the planet earth!
He was more than happy. 
His body became immediately healthy!

He looked downward and it was raining heavily.
He bowed to the earth and thanked those who had  contributed to his success. 
He began his journey down to the dwellings of mankind.
After about twenty four hours, he flew into the rain. For the first time for years, he opened his mouth and drank water to his satisfaction. 
His spirit returned! 
The earth welcomed him and told him that he has been away for seven years!
He was surprised.

TO BE CONTINUED.



Friday 17 May 2024

AFRICA, THE AFRICA! NO DUPLICATE!

                     OSISINAGBOYAYA for real!

There was this lady who came from America to visit her parents here in Africa. This lady left her parents at the age of four years to stay with her uncle in the U.S.

At the age of twenty four years she came to visit her parents for the first time since her departure.

Now, her parents were very happy to see her back looking very healthy. The parents gave her long gown and wrappers to tie and remove her Jeans trousers and flip flaps ladies' top.

She became angry with her parents and she said, "Gaddem culture of yours can't stand here men! I am an American not your local fibre. Piss off my side or l disowned and cut off you as my Gaddem forsaken parents and change my maternal and paternal names. Then l go back to God's own country".

PARENTS: Come, if you dis small rat of yesterday talk to us with your nose, na our ancestors naim go deal with you. You never sabi anything. Na we born you and you go must wear the wrappers and the gown".

DAUGHTER: Gaddem fuck shit men! 
You gat not do such fucking bitch!
I am changing my names immediately and if you violate my fundamental human rights, l gat to contact the INTERPOL and get all of you arrested and lock up in the chimpanzees zoo. Fuck shit men!

PARENTS: Come, nobody dey fuck shit here.
Look if you venture change our names like una dey do for America, your eyes go clear. Na Osisinagboyaya we go take deal with you. We go see how you go fit go back to America again.

DAUGHTER: Go and try your Gaddem God forsaken juju and see what l will do to him with my Beretta pistol.
I ganna shoot off his ugly lifeless face, men!

And the parents brought two blunted and rust cutlasses, hammer, human shaped carved images and they said:
Dis na Africa. Pinkin nor dey change him papa and mama names come dey take another person names.
Make una show this our pinkin small lesson of Africa.

During the midnight hours she saw a creature without feet coming towards her and she ran.
The next morning without greeting anybody, she carried her belongings and left for the airport. But her visa suddenly expired! Her passport couldn't be traced.

She was mad at her parents and she said, "You Gaddem God forsaken OSISINAGBOBABA. So you blocked my visa and travelling documents, right? Now, release them or l blow off your fucking head men".

PARENTS: Nor be Osisinagbobaba but Osisinagboyaya the Africa traditional deity".
When you don come down from your high horse, he go cooperate with you.

She shot at it several times but no answer.
And she said, "Okay! Okay! Take it easy, take it easy!
Osisinagboyaya! No problem, l gat to do all my parents said. I am gat to put on the long mazi gown and tie the wrappers. Please, take it easy with me".